Actions

Work Header

The Cubs Chronicle

Summary:

The 1980 Hawkins Middle School Talent Jamboree was truly an afternoon to remember…

Notes:

My first excursion into the complicated mind of Jason Carver! For ginger (who gave us the prompt "performance review") and my friends in the fic club discord crew...you ALL continue to be the wind beneath my wings!!!

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

The Cubs Chronicle

LETTERS TO THE EDITOR, APRIL 30th 1980

 

My fellow Cubs,

As many of you know, we recently celebrated the twenty-third anniversary of our school’s signature spring entertainment event, the Hawkins Middle School Talent Jamboree. As a sixth grader, I am proud (GO CUBS!!) to have been part of this tradition myself for the first time.

Guys, like most of you I was excited to prepare for the Jamboree, always a high quality showcase of Hawkins talent…and I think we can all agree, our fellow Cubs are extremely talented! Greg Tasker’s daring impression of Principal Coleman was very realistic (better watch out for your job, sir!), and who could forget Sarah Meaney’s tribute to the Muppets or Senora Jackson and Coach Bradley’s debut as Sonny & Cher (killer legs, Coach B!)? And of course, your junior varsity team was proud and humbled to perform our lineup of trick shots. To quote the great Bobby Knight, “You don't play against opponents; you play against the game of basketball.” But most impressive was the stellar display of sparkling smiles and school spirit from the Hawkins Cubettes, led by our own Chrissy Cunningham. Ladies, who knew we had so many future stars among us!!!!

Regarding the shocking end of the Jamboree, I feel moved to write about what we all must be thinking.

First of all, let me say that I mean no offense to the organizers of this talent show, Vice Principal Haverman and Mr. Clark. They did the best they could with the resources they had. They also have to conform to what is currently popular. Unfortunately, there is a darkness growing in today’s music that goes by the name of heavy metal. Now, I am not complaining about modern rock music. It certainly has its place. If you saw my record collection you might even be surprised to find Golden Earring and a Steely Dan album or two — I guess you could say I’m not a stranger to “metal” either!

But something much darker came to the Jamboree last week. Something truly unwholesome, right here in our very own beloved cafeteria. It’s not my place to judge the faculty advisors who allowed these students to enter with a version of this particular song (I can only assume the name “Judas Priest” led them to believe it was going to be something more worshipful). Obviously, they deserve the benefit of the doubt! Could Mr. Clark have shown better judgment than to let the AV Club draw extra attention to “Coffin Corrosion” with flashing red spotlights? Yes. And I think we all question their decision to turn up the volume on the amplifiers to ear-splitting levels. No offense, Mr. Clark!!! But mistakes, it must be said, were made.

The band that took the stage after our outstanding Cubettes made the crowd wait during five full minutes of drum assembly (several expletives were heard from its members) and what I assume to be a “warm-up.” Followed by a performance that suggested they had never practiced a single minute before that afternoon! A slap in the face to those of us who spent weeks polishing our talents. But never mind. There is a worrying trend in parts of our society towards music that is nothing but noise, and a gateway to dangerous thinking. That’s right. Dangerous. If you embrace the idea that you will “taste the fire upon your tongue,” what comes next? Will we “stand by for Exciter, salvation is his task?” I don’t know about Mr. Priest, but that sounds awfully familiar to me from Scripture.

There’s only one man for whom I’m planning to “fall upon my knees,” and I think we all know who that is. I certainly won’t be spending any time on my knees in the Hawkins Middle School gym, I can tell you that. I’m not sure if anyone else was able to hear the lyrics over the awful screaming of the lead “singer,” Eddie Munson, but here is what else we heard in the gym that afternoon:

Looks around and make you see the light again
So much self-indulgence results in shattered eyes
Predominant complacency leads to beguiling lies

Come on, Cubs! We’re better than this. We need to rebuke songs like this as the Satanistic tools that they truly are. This is blasphemy in its most insidious form. Also, as a band, I think we can all agree that Coffin Corrosion fully sucks. Maybe guitar lessons should be added to our electives.

Should we tolerate “beguiling lies” in the same room where Jell-o is served on Fridays?

Must we accept the promise that “first you'll smoke and smolder, blister up and singe”?

Is it necessary to have our ears assaulted at jet engine-level volume?

DO WE REALLY NEED TO SEE WHAT EDDIE MUNSON’S NIPPLES LOOK LIKE?

Nothing about this kind of music requires any thought, it doesn’t inspire us to be better in any way, nor does it educate us. It doesn’t even require any dancing skill. Neither I, nor anyone else seated around me, had any desire to dance to this kind of music. Compared to the artistry of the previous acts, it was nothing but primitive and crude. Like a barbarian walking into a concert hall. In fact, some of the girls near me were obviously frightened, especially when the music caused the formation near the stage of what I am told is called a “mosh pit.” If I’m certain of one thing, it’s that no one had any fun at this year’s Jamboree.

I can only praise the actions of Principal Coleman, who brought the performance to a screeching halt (although I’m sure some would ask if it could have been slightly sooner) by cutting the power and booting the so-called band from the stage during what must have been the “guitar solo.” Brave actions are their own reward!

To once again quote the legendary Bobby Knight, “Most people have the will to win, but few have the will to prepare to win.”

We are Cubs! We are proud, we are virtuous, we are future leaders – trash and temptations of the flesh (apologies here to the editor for the strong language) can go right to hell where they belong! I’m sure we are all eager to put this year behind us, and will prepare to WIN next year over the forces of darkness!

Yours truly,

Jason C.
6th grade

(Editor’s note: The original version of this letter has been condensed in length for editorial purposes)

 


 

Dear Editor,

On behalf of the Cubettes Cheer Charmers, thank you so much for organizing the Talent Jamboree, Ms. Haverman!!!! We were blown away by how good everyone’s act was (shout out to Tammy Thompson, you are amazing!!) and we are already super-psyched to work on our routine for next spring!

You can tell that everyone tried really hard and did their best, and it was so neat to see everyone’s different talents — the girls and I danced like crazy to all the bands!!! There are some really neat, UNIQUE musicians here at Hawkins Middle. This Jamboree was a very, very, VERY unforgettable experience!!!!!

Sincerely,
Christine C.
6th grade

 


 

(Found stapled to the door of the Cubs Chronicle editorial office, 5/1/80)

 

“WHEN MY TIME ON EARTH IS DONE, I WANT THEM TO BURY ME UPSIDE DOWN SO ALL MY CRITICS CAN KISS MY ASS.”

— Bobby Knight

P.S. it’s CORRODED COFFIN. And you spelled Satanic wrong, fucknuts

XO
Eddie

Notes:

Bobby Knight was a legendary Hoosiers coach who won lots of championships between 1971-2000! He also has tons of colorful quotes (the “kiss my ass” one is real). Two good Indiana boys would definitely know a few of them. 🥹🏀

Also, Corroded Coffin rocked people’s faces off with a cover of Judas Priest’s “Exciter” from the 1978 album Stained Class! 🤘🏻

Series this work belongs to: