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The forest on Nepenthe is beautiful. Soji is in her reinvention era, and so she’s doing her best to compartmentalise her ‘memories’ about bleak family camping trips and leaving them in the fiction part of her history. She’s a woman who loves nature now. She’s sure of it.
‘Ooh, look at this!’
Soji looks up, but Kestra swings down from the branches and lands with the faintest thump behind her. And then there’s a… tickle on her shoulder.
‘It’s an Ardanian poisontongue fangrachnid! Isn’t it cool?’
Soji can’t even look before she’s shaking her arm frantically. ‘ Get it off !’
Kestra darts in the direction the spider that Soji tossed the spider, but not seeing anything, twirls around to scowl at her. ‘He didn’t mean you any harm, Soji.’
‘You said it was poisonous! And had fangs. ’
‘Okay, well, it’s poisonous, not venomous, like I said, and you should know that that’s a difference, you’re a supergenius. And second of all it’s just a name I made up.’ Kestra puts her hands on her hips. ‘ Obviously .’
Soji is very good at regulating her heartbeat, thank god. She calms herself quickly. ‘Okay. So what is it?’
Kestra shrugs. ‘Just your basic Nepenthe woods spider. And even if it was venomous it’s not like you’re going to get taken out by some measly organic spider bite. You’re Soji .’
Soji shivers. ‘I really don’t like spiders.’
‘Real don’t like or pretend don’t like?’
They’ve talked a lot, late at night, lights out, everyone in the house pretending that ‘the girls’ are asleep. Kestra has never had friends her own age to have sleepovers with, at least not after Thad. Soji remembers sleepovers, but even the ones with Dahj never happened. So it’s part of healing the wounds of the past. And if it means Kestra’s a little bleary eyed and grumpy when Will makes them pancakes for breakfast, so be it. Their late night discussions vary wildly in topics, but one thing they always come back to is Soji’s sense of self. Figuring herself out.
‘Both,’ Soji says, after a pause. ‘I didn’t realise it was a real ‘don’t like’ until now.’
‘Lots of people don’t like spiders, that’s okay. But if you find one somewhere you don’t want to see one, can you come get me and I’ll save it for you? Instead of you squishing it?’
‘I’ll keep that in mind. There won’t be so many spiders on the Enterprise , though.’
‘Yeah. It’s so sterile and boring on starships. Maybe in the arboretum?’
‘Maybe.’
‘So maybe when you’re on the Enterprise , I guess you’ll need another spider-saving friend.’ Kestra contemplates the people she knows on board. ‘Seven will be too busy, I guess. Maybe Jack? I bet his mom taught him to save spiders instead of kill them.’
‘Sounds like a good plan.’
Kestra looks down, and digs her toe into the soil. ‘I guess I’m going to have to get used to sterile and boring places too.’
‘Hey. Living in San Francisco won’t be like living in a spaceship.’
‘But it won’t be like here.’ She leans back against a tree and sighs, looking up at the canopy. Soji has come to recognise that as Kestra’s way of holding back tears. ‘That’s the whole point, right? They hate it here, so we’re moving somewhere that isn’t like here. Doesn’t matter that it’s my home. That it’s not just Nepenthe, it’s Ardania. But they don’t care.’
‘Have they said that?’
Kestra keeps looking up, and the blinking is quicker. ‘ No . Of course not. But they’re showing me with their actions. That matters too.’
‘It does,’ Soji allows. ‘But have you told them how you feel?’
‘No. But they should know .’
‘Didn’t you tell me your mom specifically doesn’t sense your emotions to give you privacy?’
‘Well yeah. She said it was gross when she was a teenager and Imi would listen in on her,’ Kestra clears her throat. ‘Um. Private thoughts. Let’s never relive that conversation again.’ Contemplating Lwaxana’s intrusive approach to parenting seems to have eased her despair a little. Or at least changed its tune. ‘But still. They should know.’
‘They’ve had a lot going on too, Kes. I’m not saying that you’re wrong. But I think you need to talk to them. Or at least let your mom in on how you’re feeling. To start things off.’
‘But I’m still going to have to leave. We’re not going to stay just because I want to.’
‘That’s probably true. Maybe you can still visit? Or hey, you’re sixteen. Let things grow a bit wild. Give it a couple of years and you can come here and live your life in the treetops.’
‘True,’ Kestra muses. She crouches down and places her hands in the fallen leaves. ‘I don’t want Ardania to be forgotten.’
‘We won’t let it happen,’ Soji promises.