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Cameron really didn't want to be here.
Truth be told, he'd first heard rumours of an all-star season before production of Revenge of the Island had even finished. And Cameron had been really, really hoping he didn't get in. As far as he was concerned, he'd reaped all the possible benefits of being on this show, and he did NOT want to stomach any more of the bad stuff. He'd had his fill, thank you very much. Won the game, won the million, come out of his shell, left his bubble behind, made new friends, defeated enemies, and become reality TV famous. Though he could do without that last bit. Fame was... stressful.
So when Chris' assistant had reached out to him with news that Cameron would be part of the select few featuring on Total Drama All-Stars... he was more than ready to refuse. Until the assistant had bluntly told him that Cameron was obligated to be brought back for as many seasons as Chris demanded.
"Trust me," the assistant had said in a flat, nasally voice, "it's all in those contracts. God knows McLean exploited mine enough times for me to know that. Why d'you think I'm still working for him? It's not for the salary, let me tell you."
But upon discovering that the entire season was scripted, meaning all danger would be simulated, Cameron felt a lot more optimistic. He was a guy who liked routine, liked to know exactly how things would go. So he was actually looking forward to this! Coast through, play his part on set (couldn't be as bad as fighting giant biologically improbable Venus flytraps), and then kick back and relax with his friends behind the scenes. Maybe meet the original cast of the show - that might be fun! And then simply get eliminated and pick up the healthy sum of money they were all getting paid to partake in this season and keep it zipped about the scripting.
Should be fun, right?
HAHAHAHAHA. No.
Between needing to act as gullible as possible to make the Mal plotline work and getting harassed by Sierra 24/7, Cameron was having the absolute worst time of his life. Which... stunk. Mal seemed like an alright dude behind the cameras, even if he didn't appear to like him, and Sierra... well. They'd actually kind of started to bond - she was clearly just as much of a geek as Cameron, just in a different direction, and he'd actually enjoyed chatting with her behind the scenes for the first couple of days. But then the 'CamCody' plotline was unveiled, and things just got too weird. Even if he knew it was all pretend, and she would always come up to him and apologise when filming wrapped, it just became too uncomfortable. So that potential friendship fizzled out.
And now Chris had been kidnapped.
It was the 100th episode special. Chris had probably had something big planned, and Cameron had been nervously awaiting it when a very shaken Zoey had burst into his room to tell him that Chris was gone. And that was it.
This wasn't in the script. Chef was hiding in the interns' lodge, utterly inconsolable, so the teens were on their own. Flying blind. And that was why, instead of whatever the episode was supposed to be, Cameron, Gwen and Zoey were crawling through an extremely cramped, unhygenic underground mine filled with toxic waste.
Cameron blinked as he saw a light reflect off his glasses. It looked cold and bright, like a... camera flash?
"Are... are you still filming?" He squinted through the darkness at the shape of who he could guess was an intern, holding a camera and pointing it at him and his two companions. "Given what just happened, I think the episode is on hold for the time being."
"Uh. No, actually, probably not." The intern lowered the camera sheepishly. "I'm kind of contractually obligated to keep filming no matter what happens. I've kept this thing rolling through horrible storms, other interns dying, volcanoes erupting - you name it, I've filmed it. If and when Chris becomes un-kidnapped, he'll be out of his mind with fury if there's no footage for the episode."
Gwen whistled. Zoey and Cameron stared at each other in horror. "Chris is so messed up."
"You just now realised that?" joked the intern. "But yeah, that guy is something else. Can't say we didn't all throw a party when he got arrested last year."
"Chris got arrested?!" Gwen burst out.
"Dude, where have you been?"
Whatever Gwen was about to say, it was cut off by a low growling sound coming from just behind Cameron.
"Ah. Here he comes." The intern started frantically trying to switch on their camera. Gwen and Zoey scrambled back. Cameron's stomach dropped as he heard the wall behind him crack and crumble.
A clawed hand shot out of the aether and grabbed him, pulling him backwards into the darkness.
Yep, today was officially the worst.
He could hear Zoey's cry of shock growing more distant by the second, mostly drowned out by his own screaming. Everything was rushing past him a million miles an hour, he was being dragged deeper and deeper into the mine by god knows what sort of horrifying creature, he could HEAR it snarling and hissing, see its mottled green feet skittering across the dirt floor, feel its vice grip on his arm, but for the life of him he couldn't identify what on earth it was. The walls were closing in around them, and Cameron snapped his mouth shut to not inhale a ton of dirt.
Finally, after what felt like a million years but was realistically just a few seconds, the tunnel opened up and Cameron was thrown out into the clearing.
In the half-moment as he flew through the air, one coherent thought entered his mind: KEEP YOUR HEAD UP! He quickly twisted in midair and lifted his head in the direction he hoped was 'up'.
Cameron landed on his back with a thud and the remaining air was knocked out of his lungs. But at least he was still conscious. He took a few seconds to focus on his breathing, doing his best not to panic over being kidnapped and dragged into a radioactive mine with absolutely no idea where his friends were or how to get out.
A shadow fell over his face. (Wait - shadow? That meant there was light down here, that made no sense. Unless the mutant creatures had gained enough intelligence to create fire... ooh, that was a fascinating concept.) Cameron opened his eyes, slowly, gut twisting in terror as he expected to see an unspeakably awful creature about to devour him whole...
And was instead met with a scraggly green humanoid, bald, clawed, with sunken bloodshot eyes and wearing a threadbare hoodie.
Cameron's eyes snapped open as wide as saucers. "Oh my gosh. You're Ezekiel!"
The creature hissed at the sudden sound, but Cameron was undeterred. He shifted back and got to his feet, holding up his hands in a calming gesture. "That's your name, right? Or, it was? If you still use it, of course. Wow, this - is incredible! Meeting you at last!"
Ezekiel's hostile, defensive posture seemed to soften. He looked at Cameron, eyes widening at the word 'incredible'.
"I mean it! Wow, you're - an absolute breakthrough in terms of research into the durability of the human body! Clinging to a plane, surviving a volcano, living down here for I'm guessing months, if not a full year..." Cameron could barely contain himself. But then a realisation hit him like a truck.
"Ah. This makes sense."
Ezekiel tilted his head curiously.
"Well, I didn't see it, but apparently something - someone - kidnapped Chris. And now I'm guessing that someone was you."
A slow smile spread across Ezekiel's face. He beckoned Cameron towards a large crack in the wall, motioning for him to look through it. Already having a suspicion of what he would see, Cameron obeyed.
Through the crack, Cameron could see a massive cavern, with a pit of sizzling green acid at the centre. A horrible stink emitted from the acid pit, like eggs and vinegar, which didn't make sense as vinegar was an alkaline. And suspended from a rope, hanging upside-down and dangling directly above the acid, was Chris.
Ezekiel gave a raspy cackle and rubbed his hands together excitedly, like some kind of comic book villain.
Right. Cameron scratched the back of his neck awkwardly and tried to remember How to De-Escalate Situations 101. "So, Ezekiel."
The creature glanced sideways at him.
"Um. You can't kill Chris."
Ezekiel hissed in disgust.
"I know, I know!" Cameron added frantically. "You have every reason to want him dead - if I were in your position I might've already killed him, skipped out on the acid pit and rats and just gutted him myself." He could see Ezekiel considering this idea, so he quickly carried on. "But- but logistically, I mean, think about it. Right now, if you got rescued and rehabilitated, you could just go home." He noticed Ezekiel's ears prick up at that word. "Once you've killed Chris, though, you're a murderer for the rest of your life. That's it. Jail. I guess maybe you could plead insanity in court, but like... you seem pretty aware, or at least aware enough to construct this pretty meticulous method of- Well, you get the picture."
Ezekiel grumbled.
Cameron tried to gauge his reaction. "Did any of that register?"
The creature gave a very reluctant nod. Then he started making a weird retching sound, and Cameron's heart dropped before he realised Ezekiel was just trying to say something.
He breathed a sigh of relief. "Yeah, that seems right. If the extreme temperature of the lava and inhalation of volcano fumes didn't bust your vocal chords, being exposed to that much toxic waste'll do the trick. Sorry."
Ezekiel gave up and motioned to the nearby cave wall, before starting to etch something with his claws. Cameron squinted, taking off his dirt-smudged glasses to clean them on his hoodie before placing them back on his nose. He felt a bit like he was playing Pictionary as he watched Zeke etch a square shape and a lopsided triangle...
"A... house? Home?
Ezekiel pointed at him and nodded. Then he crept away from the drawing and gazed at it. Tilted his head. Crawled back towards it and touched it ever so gently with his hand. Turned, bowed his head and sloped away.
An immense well of pity started building inside Cameron. "I... I meant what I said. About you being able to go home."
The creature gave him a look.
"I'm serious!"
He didn't respond. Just held a hand up in front of him, turned it over, then gestured to the rest of his body. As if to say Look at me.
"Well..." Cameron thought hard. Realistically, someone who'd been physically transformed the same way Zeke had - how could they reintegrate into society? Were there hospitals for zombie creatures? Rehabilitation centres for irradiated mutants? Hypothetically, how did you even navigate this situation?
And then Cameron remembered something.
This wasn't a hypothetical - he'd seen this happen before. He smacked a hand to his forehead. "Of course!"
Ezekiel gazed at him curiously.
"I've got an idea. It's a little out there, but it ends with you getting the help you need, and-" He paused. Cameron didn't want to raise Ezekiel's hopes too high, but at the same time (looking around at this dark underground cavern filled with bones and garbage and the odd drum of toxic waste), the guy could use all the hope he could get. "And with you being able to go home. Or... rejoin society. Or whatever you want."
Cameron was cut off by Ezekiel bounding towards him in a flash, stopping inches away from his nose. His bloodshot eyes narrowed, studying every inch of Cameron's face, as though searching for a lie, a giveaway.
"I mean it," said Cameron. "I absolutely mean it. If you let Chris go, if you come with me, off this island - I'll make sure you get the treatment you need. I know how to get it. Friend of a friend. She'll be glad to help you."
Backing away slowly, Ezekiel stared at him. Uncertain. Hopeful.
He glanced down to the chamber where Chris was still tied up, and a murderous expression came over his face.
Cameron steeled his nerve.
Then, slowly, Ezekiel turned his head back towards the etching on the wall. The crude drawing of a home. His eyes softened.
He looked up at Cameron from where he was squatting on the cave floor. Cameron marvelled for a second at how he could appear like a ferocious monster one second, and a scared child the next. Then he just felt bad about thinking that in that particular moment.
Slowly, Ezekiel nodded.
And then the wall behind them was blown wide open with a CRASH. Smoke exploded into the chamber and there was a smell like burnt spaghetti.
Cameron shielded his eyes until the smoke cleared, then examined the substance that was now splattered across the cave. It was burnt spaghetti.
Ezekiel roared like a caged animal.
And out of the rubble, holding Chef's giant pasta cannon over her shoulder and revving it up for another go, stepped none other than...
"Zoey?!"
She gasped and dropped the cannon, which was quickly caught by Gwen, standing just behind her. "Cam! You're alright!"
Cameron barely had a second to respond before Zoey swept him into a hug. "Whoa! Yep, I'm... I'm good." He hugged her back tightly, before realising that the girls were going to need a bit of an explanation for the last five minutes. "Hey, you should know-"
Ezekiel growled and launched himself at Gwen, who yelled out in shock. Then wasted no time pointing the pasta cannon at him.
"WAIT!" shouted Cameron desperately. He scrambled away from Zoey and... threw himself directly in front of the cannon.
He had just enough time to think 'wow, being on this show made me reckless' before he was blasted in the stomach with boiling-hot carbohydrates.
"OOF!"
Cameron landed flat on his back, and once again the air was knocked out of his lungs. He blinked and waited for the world to stop spinning, as the sticky warm tomatoeyness of the pasta sauce seeped into his hoodie.
He'd never had deja vu for five minutes ago before, but there was a first time for everything.
Three faces swam into view. Gwen winced guiltily as she stared down at him. "Sorry, Cam. But you did kind of jump directly into the line of fire.
"S'fine." Cameron shakily got to his feet. The pasta projectile had done a number on him - how much velocity did that stuff have? He was still having trouble staying upright - but before he could topple over backwards, he felt a gentle nudge from behind.
Ezekiel burrowed his way under Cam's right arm and wrapped his own arm around his back, letting Cam lean on him for support. Gwen and Zoey seemed just as stunned about this as Cameron was.
"Hey, thanks." Cameron gave a dazed smile to Ezekiel, who nodded back.
Zoey blinked, incredulous. Gwen looked even more astonished. "So is anyone going to explain this, or...?"
"Oh, right." In the midst of things, Cameron had nearly forgotten his plan for Ezekiel. And the reason they were down there to begin with. "So Chris is tied up down there. Ezekiel's letting us free him, and then..." He looked into the creature's hopeful eyes and smiled. "We're getting this guy off the island."
"Like this?" Zoey gestured to Ezekiel's form. The creature hung his head.
"Yes. Absolutely we are." Cameron glanced around. "Remember Dakota?"
The cogs in Zoey's brain seemed to turn for a couple of seconds, before her eyes lit up. "Oh! Of course!"
"So there's absolutely a way we can get this guy the help he needs," grinned Cameron, patting Ezekiel on the back.
Gwen had beelined straight towards the crack in the wall, and was currently staring through it. "Wow, you weren't kidding about him being tied up. It's like a death metal album cover made by a Batman villain in there." She looked over at Ezekiel. "You set all that up, Homeschool?"
Ezekiel nodded proudly.
"Nice." She offered him a fistbump.
This seemed to utterly confuse Ezekiel, who examined the fist for a good few seconds, before uncertainly grabbing it with his free hand.
For some reason, all four of them found this insanely funny and burst out laughing.
"Alright, break up the giggle-fest. Did you find Chris?"
From behind the pasta-splatted rubble, the camera intern appeared. Huh. In the midst of... everything, Cameron had briefly forgotten they existed.
"Found him," chorused Zoey and Gwen, pointing at the crack in the wall.
"Great," sighed the intern. "Any way to get to him?"
Ezekiel perked up, pointing vigurously at a small passageway in the opposite wall.
"That way, I guess."
"Cool. So, like. We got about five minutes' worth of footage for this episode, so once Chris comes out of that deathtrap, my hide is toast." The intern said this so nonchalantly it made Cameron wince.
Zoey's brow pinched with concern. "You sure there's that little? You had that camera on pretty much the whole time we were searching for Cameron. And even more before that. There's got to be something salvageable."
"I got, like, ten minutes of dirt tunnels. Do you think that makes for quality TV?"
Gwen's face suddenly lit up. "Hey, uh... you wouldn't happen to have a cliffnotes version of what Chris wanted to happen this episode, would'ja?"
Slightly confused, the intern pulled out a clipboard. "Got a criteria right here. Why?"
The goth girl gave a wicked grin. "I think it's time we do some scripting of our own."
...
As Ezekiel spewed out a wave of acid (seriously, he spit acid now, how was this guy real?) Cameron faked a terrified scream and jumped back as a wave of boulders crashed down right in front of him. From a certain angle, they'd look as if they'd crushed him altogether.
And the camera intern (whose name, he'd learned, was Maya) was filming from exactly that angle.
Cameron got to hide behind the pile of rocks and watch as the others acted out a heroic showdown against Ezekiel, who seemed to be having the time of his life playing the big bad of the episode. They had to do several repeat takes of Gwen shooting him with the pasta cannon, because he kept breaking character and eating the spaghetti before Maya had a chance to cut away.
The other contestants were equal parts relieved that Ezekiel was not, in fact, going to murder them, and a little annoyed that they had to sit in a cage basically the whole time. Chris, once he'd been freed (and Ezekiel was safely out of the way) had the gall to tell them they hadn't got enough dramatic material for the episode.
"C'mon, guys! We haven't even got any Mal moments, and this is right when his villainy streak is starting to get good! You couldn't have him commit one heinous action?"
"Ayo, what'cha want 'im to do?" snapped Vito, who'd ended up fronting when Mike's shirt was stolen by a gopher. "Commit a murder or somethin'? 'Cause he says that ship 'as sailed."
Cameron did not like the mischievous 'I just got an idea' glint that appeared in Chris' eye. "Hmm..."
...
So they ended up filming and adding in even more scenes. If Cameron didn't already hate this season, being made to kiss Courtney definitely sealed the deal. Nothing against Courtney - she seemed fine - but this was how Cameron decided that he hated kissing in general. Too close, too warm, too many germs. Plus, it being his new friend's girlfriend just made it even more awkward.
One minute of hanging from a sheer drop with his bare hands later and Cameron was fully ready to leave. He was just glad that the Flush of Shame was purely special effects - after how many times he'd been thrown around like a ragdoll that day, being spun inside a giant toilet might've made him physically hurl.
That done, Maya yelled out "CUT!" and everyone broke character with sighs of relief. Chris went off to get a refill of his coffee, the camera crew milled about and began packing up their equipment, and Cameron climbed out of his bubble and made the rounds of saying goodbye to his friends.
Zoey gave him another hug, Gwen ruffled his hair with a wry grin, and Mike (who was back in front by now) made him promise to tell him all about the cool behind-the-scenes stuff he'd missed that day. Cameron promised.
Farewells said, Cameron walked down the Dock of Shame and hopped into the boat, looking forward to not having cameras shoved in his face and needing to play out a character every waking moment.
What was more, now he had a mission.
Ezekiel poked his head out from behind a crate. Cameron nodded. "Yep, the coast is clear."
The creature grinned and scampered towards the front of the boat, poising himself at the helm like a gargoyle. Cameron couldn't help but laugh.
Neither could Maya, who'd offered to drive the boat. "Hey, don't draw too much attention to yourself. The whole point of this is Chris doesn't see you. Right?"
Ezekiel rolled his eyes, but hopped down off the stern and chose to lounge on a seat near Cameron. Satisfied, Maya started up the boat's engine. "I called in ahead, so they know we're coming. I'm told Dakota's excited to meet him!"
At that, Ezekiel sat upright like an excited puppy. If he'd had a tail, he'd definitely be wagging it. Cameron grinned and patted him on the back. "I reckon he's excited to meet her too. It's not every day you get to say hi to a fellow irradiated mutant."
Ezekiel nodded excitedly.
Maya revved up the engine and the boat took off. Taking a deep, calming breath for the first time in weeks, Cameron watched the shape of Wawanakwa Island dwindle into the distance.
He was looking forward to never going back there ever again, and he had a hunch that Ezekiel felt exactly the same.
"Next stop: the Playa des Losers, 2.0!"