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I'm not angry (I'm in pain)

Chapter 2: Chapter 2

Notes:

Our traumatized boy has grown into a traumatized man.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

They received a scholarship to Palmetto University and joined the Foxes sports team. Aaron's relationship with Andrew remained tense and neither of them wanted to take the first step forward, limiting themselves to a cold truce.

Without drugs, Aaron's ADHD symptoms worsened and became more noticeable, especially if you knew where to look.

...

Kevin returned Aaron's laptop, swearing under his breath.

"It's simply impossible! Why do you need so many open tabs?!"

"None of your business!"

Aaron barked back, not admitting that he opens all these tabs to look through them and forgets about it, distracted by something else.

"Because of these stupid tabs, the laptop freezes and I can’t watch the game properly!"

"I don’t care, don’t touch my tabs, I need them!"

Aaron knew he would never look at them. Most of these files were already over a month old or even older.

He did not notice the attentive gaze of his brother watching them from the sofa and pretending that he was reading a book.

Aaron's clutter, both in his life and in his room, progressed exponentially. When the scattered things became too much and he began to attract not only the attentive gaze of Andrew, but also the worried glances of Nicky and Kevin, Aaron cleaned up. More precisely, he took out a large box and threw into it everything that was out of place and prevented him from going about his business. Then he hid this box away, leaving it for later and promising to take it apart later. He'll remember about it in a couple of weeks, when it's time to clean up again, or if he's lucky earlier, when sudden inspiration hits him. Aaron called this state of his, the mood of “purity.” On such days, Aaron was full of strength and energy. He cleaned like crazy: he washed windows and floors, scrubbed old stains on clothes and scrubbed everything that caught his eye.

...

Meeting Katelyn changed his life before and after.

He met her amidst the chaos of jocks, cheerleaders and other students. Tall, slim and stunning. She stood next to the punch table alone. Plucking up courage, he calmed his nervous trembling and took a step forward.

"Hello!"

Oh My God. Aaron could die just for her bright smile.

"Hi, I'm Katelyn!"

She embarrassedly straightened a curly red strand that had escaped from her careless hairstyle and extended her hand to him.

"Aaron. And you are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen."

Aaron blurted out without having time to think about what exactly he said. The girl opposite's face lit up and she smiled again, risking killing the poor guy.

"It's very nice, thank you."

...

Betsy guessed about his diagnosis almost immediately, as soon as Aaron, having forgotten himself for the first time in her office and began to jerk his leg. She tried to help him with his diagnosis. But Aaron snapped at her every time she raised the issue and refused to help.

"Aaron, what's happening to you?"

She asked every time Aaron sat down in the armchair in her office. Sometimes he was silent, completely ignoring her condition, and sometimes, on the contrary, he poured out his soul to her, later regretting it.

"It seems to me that I am on the edge of an abyss from which no one can pull me out. And no one even knows I'm there. I just want the pain to go away. My mom died and I can't breathe. I'm in so much pain that I can't breathe. I don't want this to continue. I want it to end!"

Betsy nodded, listening to him carefully and not interrupting.

"It's like some voice in my head says: “No, you're doing everything wrong! You're not good enough! You're a loser!” "

Aaron pressed his fingers to his temples, pressing as if trying to silence the voice.

"Can you close your eyes?"

Betsy asked him, observing his actions and redirecting his energy. Aaron nodded, leaning back in his seat.

"That's it, good. Now try to relax and listen to that voice in your head."

Aaron closed his eyes, honestly trying to complete the task.

"Who is saying this: one person or more?"

Aaron frowned, listening to himself.

"One."

Betsy nodded, even though Aaron couldn't see her.

"Fine. Who is this person: an adult or a child?"

Aaron didn't hesitate to answer.

"Adult."

"Man or woman?"

"I don't know..."

He frowned and began to play with his pant leg, tugging at the fabric.

"Tell me what came to your mind first."

"Previously it was always a woman, but now it seems to me it’s a man."

"Can you remember when this change happened?"

"Maybe when my mother died..."

"You can open your eyes, Aaron."

Betsy smiled softly at him as Aaron blinked in disorientation.

"You did great."

"What does it mean?"

Aaron asked, oblivious to the praise.

"Your mother used to say these words, but after her death you replaced her. You have become your own chief executioner."

"But I don't want this. Help me fix this."

Betsy adjusted her glasses and looked at him carefully.

"Tell me Aaron, how would you describe yourself?"

Aaron shrugged, starting to bounce his leg up and down again.

"Drug addict, selfish, narcissistic freak, aggressively sarcastic asshole..."

"Continue."

Betsy encouraged him, not the least bit frightened by such epithets.

"Idiot, trash, depressive, stupid, vile, dirty, pest, monster, loser."

"What about the good things?"

Betsy tried to redirect him in a different direction.

"Nothing. There's nothing good about me."

Aaron shook his head, absolutely sure about this.

"Listen to me, Aaron. You won't be able to move forward if you don't accept and love yourself."

It was impossible. Aaron knew for sure that he couldn't do this.

"What if I can’t?"

"Then you will remain forever the same as you described yourself, without a single good quality. Angry, lonely and sad. Because you still believe what your mother told you. Don't you think that's enough?"

"I want to change this..."

Aaron admitted in a whisper.

"Then close your eyes and repeat after me: yes, I am a drug addict and selfish..."

Aaron snorted, unimpressed, but Betsy wasn't offended.

"If you want to change your old beliefs, admitting they are wrong is the first step on the path to yourself."

"OK. I'm a drug addict and selfish..."

He repeated half laughing.

"But I’m still brave and smart."

"But I’m also brave and smart."

Aaron duplicated it, not at all believing what he was saying.

"Yes, there is bad in me, but there is also a lot of good. And one does not cancel the other."

Crap. Something inside Aaron clenched at this phrase. He wanted to believe it.

"Yes, there is bad in me..."

"But there is also..."

Betsy helped him.

"But there is also a lot of good in me....."

Heavy sigh.

"And one does not cancel the other."

"I can be different: evil and kind, anxious and calm, selfish and caring, successful and not."

Aaron gripped the arms of his chair, trying to keep himself from shaking.

"I can be different: evil and kind....anxious and calm....selfish and caring....successful and not very...more often, of course, not very much."

"Shh"

Betsy shushed him.

"And all this is me. I am who I am."

A lump blocked Aaron's throat and he took several shuddering breaths.

"And all this is me..."

Aaron sobbed, ashamed to open his eyes.

"And I...am...who...I am."

"You're doing great. Come on, a little more. And I admit that I deserve love, affection and recognition."

"And I admit that I deserve love, affection and recognition."

"And I forgive myself for everything that I consider bad and accept all the good that is in me. I forgive myself."

"And I forgive myself for everything that I consider bad and accept all the good that is in me. I forgive myself."

Aaron slowly opened his eyes.

"Aaron, your ADHD is not just about lack of attention. This is about how you live in this world, where everyone around you, and most importantly you by yourself, equates your difficulties with laziness. This is about learning, even if brushing your teeth is sometimes an impossible task. It's about being incredibly smart to do something amazing, but sometimes you can't answer even the easiest questions, right? ADHD is about when everyone says “everyone is like this” and “don’t make this up”, but you know if you let go of control a little, then the whole structure, everything that you so diligently built will collapse. ADHD is about living when you believe that in order to be loved you have to pretend to be someone else. Knowing the diagnosis helps you accept yourself, it won't change you Aaron, but you will learn to understand when you need help to live, not survive."

After this conversation, he cried for half an hour in the arms of Katelyn, who gently hugged him and stroked his back. Having calmed down enough, Aaron whispered into her collarbone.

"How did I get so lucky with you?"

Katelyn laughed softly.

"Just like I was lucky to have you. I think we were just made for each other."

Aaron took a deep breath and looked into her bright blue eyes.

"Why do you love me?"

"Because, Aaron."

She answered simply, but Aaron shook his head.

"I mean, for what? What did I do to make you love me?"

Katelyn knew the whole story of Aaron's difficult childhood. They had no secrets from each other. And she knew the trauma Tilda had caused her boyfriend, so she spoke up.

"I love you because you are so smart."

Katelyn smiled tenderly and kissed Aaron's temple.

"Because you are so brave and strong."

Another kiss on the cheek.

"Because you are so kind. Funny. Sincere. Romantic. Caring."

Katelyn peppered his face with light kisses.

"I love your strong hands. A piercing gaze. These little freckles that no one knows about except me. Your bright smile. Your ringing laugh. I love you for everything and nothing at the same time. I love you as you are, Aaron. I love you so much."

Katelyn whispers against his lips and Aaron pulls closer kissing her.

...

Everything began to change with the appearance of a hidden boy in a dark sweatshirt and with a sports bag slung over his shoulder.

Crows

Seth's death

Moriyama

Mafia

Andrew is bleeding at Thanksgiving

His first kill

Court

Butcher from Baltimore

Nathaniel Wesninski

Victory over the Ravens

And finally Andrew, looking at Neil with those stupid loving eyes of his. He could hide it from anyone, but not from him. Aaron knew that look well, it was the way he looked at Katelyn.

Having appeared in their lives, Neil did perhaps only one good thing. As angry as Aaron was about his and Andrew's "non-relationship", he was glad that he could now date Katelyn without fear. She didn't resent him for Aaron's displeasure over breaking the deal for that redheaded idiot.

"This is silly. I'm happy. We can finally be together."

"Aaron, the fact that you are happy, that now we can be together without worrying that your brother will find out about us, does not cancel your other feeling. You can be angry. Do you hear me? You're allowed to be upset about it."

Aaron sighed tiredly, rubbing his face.

"I don’t understand what’s wrong with me?"

Katelyn took his hand.

"The worst thing is to deceive yourself. Pretend that everything is fine with you and that you are not alone and not angry at the whole world. But dear. You don't have to pretend with me, Aaron."

"I love you."

He whispered, hugging Katelyn and inhaling the sweet smell of her berry shampoo.

"Have you thought about telling Andrew about how you feel during one of your general sessions with Betsy?"

"What if he doesn’t understand?"

Aaron responded hesitantly, without unclenching his hands.

"He doesn't even know that I have ADHD."

Katelyn chuckled and rolled her eyes.

"Honey, do you really think that Andrew hasn’t figured it out on his own yet?"

Aaron pulled away, looking at her face in disbelief.

"What are you talking about?"

"Don’t be upset, but you are not the most secretive guy and if a person cares about you, it won’t be difficult for him to understand and put together the missing puzzles."

"Do you really think...?"

He squeezed out uncertainly.

"Yes. I'm sure of it. Aaron, no matter what happens between you, Andrew is your brother and he cares about you."

Katelyn gently smoothed his blond bangs.

"I wouldn't be so sure about that..."

"Aaron"

Katelyn sighed, she could be stubborn too. Looking down, she noticed how Aaron nervously clenched his hands into fists from the need to stim and shook his leg again, releasing excess emotions. It didn’t bother her, but he himself didn’t like to do it and tried to get rid of it. Quickly rummaging through her purse, she handed him a small fidget spinner, allowing Aaron to redirect his energy enough to focus on the conversation. He gratefully accepted the item, but did not have time to say anything.

"Listen to me carefully, Aaron. You've gone through such worse things together, right? Do you really think he won't understand this?"

"No, but...Betsy continues to insist on treatment and if I tell Andrew, I’ll tell Nicky too. Andrew may not tell Neil, but Nicky will still spill everything to the other guys and then everyone will know."

Katelyn nodded in understanding.

"What will they know?"

"All this."

"Remember what Betsy told you? Knowing and accepting a diagnosis will not change you, but will only help you cope with your symptoms. Besides, it seems to me that some of your team already guess everything."

"Maybe you're right."

Aaron agreed with his girlfriend.

"You know that they will accept it as soon as you tell them, right? And the fact that you are now stressing yourself out is just your anxiety. And you should definitely discuss this with Betsy."

She suggested in a calm tone and Aaron nodded in agreement again. Why not agree with a smart woman?

"You are right as always."

Katelyn winked at him playfully.

"As I always say: even if I..."

"Wrong, I’m still right!"

They finished together.

...

Who would have doubted it, but Katelyn was right and his brothers and team took the recognition of his diagnosis well. Aaron even talked through his fears with Betsy, but when Andrew brought up the topic of treating his ADHD at their next joint session, Aaron lost his temper.

"I’m doing great as it is, okay?! Don't interfere in my life!"

Andrew fell silent, staring at his mug of hot chocolate and completely ignoring his brother.

"Aaron, Andrew is right, treatment for ADHD should be comprehensive and include behavior correction methods, psychotherapy and neuropsychological correction. Usually, due to the many side effects, drug therapy is resorted to only if the above methods are ineffective. But I think we could try. CNS stimulants are now widely used, with methylphenidate and dextroamphetamine usually recommended as first-line drugs. We cannot take the most common drug, Ritolin, because its stimulating effect increases dopamine levels in the brain. This helps improve concentration. But dopamine is also addictive and has similar effects to cocaine."

Aaron froze on the spot.

"Or we can try atomoxetine hydrochloride, Strattera, it is not a central nervous system stimulant, the main mechanism of its action is associated with the blockade of norepinephrine reuptake, which is accompanied by an increase in the content of norepinephrine in the synoptic cleft and leads to a weakening of the manifestations of ADHD."

"Did I screw up? Of course, I did. This is what always happens. I ruin everything all the time. Maybe I'm just not trying hard enough?!"

"Aaron, it's not what I..."

"Maybe I'm just not that good?!"

"Aaron, you're good."

"No, I'm not."

The despair on his face gives way to laughter.

"Apparently not."

"Trust me, Aaron. You're doing well."

"Then why are you...why are you?!"

"Sit down, Aaron."

Aaron was shaking. He was thrown into a cold sweat and everything inside was twisted with anxiety. He felt something sour rising up his throat, burning him. Aaron burst into the bathroom, not remembering how he got there, and fell to the floor in front of the toilet with a crash, hitting the tiled floor of the bathroom painfully.

The attack of nausea did not come suddenly, but Aaron was still not prepared for it. He was in a fever from an avalanche of memories.

Andrew found him a couple of minutes later, curled up and crying on the floor of the bathroom. He silently sat down next to him, leaning his back on the wall and froze. Andrew listened to his twin's clear, shuddering sobs in the silence of the bathroom, but made no attempt to initiate conversation. Almost an hour later, Aaron found the strength to speak.

"I can't... I can't"

Andrew moved for the first time in an hour, getting closer to his brother without touching him.

"Now you can."

Aaron gasped, curling up tighter and hiding his gaze.

"You do not understand."

"I do."

"No, you don't. Mom...she...she.."

Aaron croaked and Andrew tried his best to restrain himself from harsh words, clenching his fists.

"She always... and I..."

"Breathe Aaron....breathe."

Andrew knocked loudly on the tile next to Aaron's head, distracting his brother from his dark thoughts and drawing attention to himself.

"Breathe."

Aaron, to the surprise of both of them, obeyed him, convulsively drawing in air.

"That was always the worst. It’s not that I can’t remember basic things and not these my..."

Aaron shook his hand and Andrew realized that he was hinting at stimming.

"It was always THIS!!! This paralysis."

"Aaron..."

"I know I have strength. I have to. I must achieve something. I can do it and I am starting, but I am so insignificant that I cannot complete it. And I'll think about it for fucking weeks, but I won't do anything. Even though I can do it in just 20 minutes. But instead I....why can't I just do it? Maybe I’m one of those who dream, but it’s an impossible dream and my mother was right, I’m a nonentity."

Andrew hated that hesitant tone that Aaron got every time he remembered his mother. Tilda not only physically hurt him, but also psychologically suppressed him, destroying his self-esteem and self-confidence. If he could, he would resurrect this bitch and kill her again.

"Aaron, you don't owe her anything. What she did to you was not out of love."

"I know, I know. But it made me stronger."

Andrew looked at his brother, who was crying on the bathroom floor, and raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

"You were just a child. You didn't need to get stronger. You needed care."

But Aaron did not accept this.

"I don’t...I’m lying here while I have so much to do. There are so many things that I really WANT to do, but I can't. I just can't move, Andrew. Everything inside me is in agony, but all I do is panic. And I tell myself: "Get up! Just go and do it! Go and do it! Don’t be so lazy!!!""

"Aaron, look at me. You're not lazy. Your brain is playing a game with you. And it's scary when you can't trust yourself. I..."

Andrew took a breath.

"People think I like being the way I am. But this is not true. Sometimes I just lose my temper and the emotions are too much, but I never liked it. This helped and continues to help me distance myself from those who are dangerous. "Fight or flight" and I prefer to fight. But sometimes we don't want to "heal" because the pain we feel is the only connection we have with what we've lost."

Aaron relaxes on the floor feeling like he's been pulled out of a skeleton and unable to move.

"I'm so tired of this... tired of doing nothing... but damn I'm exhausted."

"I won't apologize for anything I've done. But I'm ready to make a new deal with you."

"We have a bad experience with deals."

Aaron snorted sadly.

"Then a promise. Look at me, Aaron."

Andrew ordered in a firm voice.

Aaron opened his eyes, red from tears, looking at his brother. And suddenly it seemed to him that he was looking at another person. Before, he had always thought that his brother's face was completely emotionless. But now it was as if he was looking carefully for the first time. At first glance, Andrew's face was as calm and impenetrable as always. But Aaron noticed a barely visible worried wrinkle between the eyebrows, slightly compressed lips and eyes. Aaron had never seen Andrew look at him like that. As if he cared. This is how his brother looked at Neil and Aaron did not expect that someday he, would receive such a look too: alarming and loving at the same time. Aaron exhaled raggedly, not believing what he saw.

Was Andrew really worried about him?

Could it be that Andrew really cares about him?

Crazy but.....

Andrew loves him?

"Aaron, I promise I will be there for you. You don't have to go through this alone. Do you hear me?"

Other tears. Clean and bringing relief appeared before his eyes, but Aaron no longer had the strength to erase them. Andrew slowly, as if handling a wild, frightened animal, raised his hand to his face.

Aaron held his breath and Andrew's hand froze a few centimeters from his face.

"Can I touch you?"

Aaron shrugged, but Andrew didn't move.

"This is not an answer."

"Yes."

Andrew's hands, unlike his own, were warm and slightly rough with calluses. But his fingers gently touched his cheeks, wiping away the tears. Aaron closed his eyes and leaned forward. He couldn't remember the last time someone other than Katelyn had touched him like that.

"I promise, Aaron. You won't be alone anymore. Tell me what do you need?"

"My brother."

Andrew tensed a little, and then, quite unexpectedly for Aaron, he picked him up from the floor and pulled him into his strong embrace.

"Then it’s good that you already have one."

...

"Betsy assigned me Stratter."

Aaron began, collapsing on the couch next to his brother a week after the bathroom scene. Neil looked up at them with an interested glance, looking up from the TV on which they were showing another game of Exy. Aaron tried not to notice how he and Andrew looked at each other, communicating even without words. Andrew promised him to be his brother, there was no need to be more jealous of his boyfriend.

Nodding to something that only these two knew, Neil rose to his feet and went into the kitchen, also without saying a word. Andrew followed his path with his eyes and turned to his twin, completely focusing on him.

"Dose?"

He demanded and Aaron answered.

"Initial dose 25 mg/day, then after a week gradually increase to 60 mg/day."

Andrew nodded, taking this information into account.

"Fine. I read about atomoxetine hydrochloride."

"You did?"

Aaron blinked in surprise at this statement. He didn't know what to expect from his brother after his promise, but certainly not that he would actually be concerned about his treatment.

"Unlike tricyclic antidepressants, atomoxetine does not produce anticholinergic side effects and does not have a significant effect on the functional parameters of the cardiovascular system."

Aaron fought back his initial surprise and shrugged sheepishly.

"Well, you’re right that there are no serious adverse events during long-term treatment with atomoxetine. But to be honest, this is a pretty impressive list."

Andrew held out his hand and Aaron awkwardly handed him the instructions.

"Decreased appetite, dry mouth, nausea, constipation, insomnia, decreased libido, dizziness, tachycardia, fatigue, chills, weight loss."

Andrew glanced at his brother, who was red with embarrassment. Aaron had always been thin, not that Andrew himself had an impressive physique, but still borderline healthy.

"I want to try."

Aaron kicked his leg and immediately, wincing, stopped himself, starting to twitch his hands. Andrew nodded without indicating any nervous movements, knowing how embarrassed Aaron was about it.

"Do I need to pick up your pills?"

"For what?!"

Aaron cried out in insult.

"Atomexetine is not a psychostimulant and is not an amphetamine derivative, if that's what you're worried about!"

"I know. Aaron..."

Andrew looked into his eyes as Aaron quickly wiped away the angry tears.

"Hey"

"I won't lose my temper."

He squeezed out and Andrew nodded.

"I believe you."

"Then why do you want to take it from me?"

"Won't it be hard for you to take them on time? And not to forget or get distracted by something else?"

Aaron chewed his lip, thinking.

"Maybe."

He admitted.

"I do not insist. I'm just offering my help. I told you, you don't have to go through this alone."

"Thank you."

...

After everyone found out about his diagnosis, it became much easier. The Foxes seemed to have finally seen what he really was and accepted him.

Allison noticed how Aaron periodically bit his nails and offered to paint them for him to help control himself. Shyly, Aaron agreed and was now the owner of beautiful dark blue nails. He chose this color for a reason. Katelyn's eyes were exactly the same shade at the very edge where the light blue turned into a darker shade.

Renee, smiling softly, gave him special stimming toys. Aaron already had a spinner, which Katelyn kept because Aaron himself kept losing small things like that. He tried to refuse the gift.

"Most likely I will lose them"

But Renee just shrugged.

"Then we'll buy new ones."

Aaron lost every last one of them in almost 2 weeks, but unexpectedly for himself he began to notice that in all the places he visited there were always a couple of such trinkets. Smiling, Aaron realized that the senior students were laying them out especially for him.

"Aaron What's happened?"

Matt whispered as he entered the dorm and stopped looking at his upset friend. But Aaron did not answer him and continued to cry.

"I ruined everything! Again!"

He squeezed out. Matt hurriedly came closer, not knowing what to do or how to calm him down. He and Aaron had never been particularly close.

"What...dude, what happened?"

To his luck, Aaron pointed to a piece of paper lying on the table in front of him. Matt, perplexed, took it in his hands.

"So what’s here... fuck"

He saw uneven notes, dancing letters on the lines and small drawings in the corners. It looked like it was a small sketch of human anatomy. Matt looked at him sympathetically.

"Don't tell me it was your exam?"

Aaron nodded back, sobbing, and Matt groaned.

"Hey, it's okay. You shouldn't kill yourself over this. It's just an exam, you can always retake it."

Aaron shook his head.

"I can not! I'll screw it up again! I always do this..."

Matt fell silent for a while trying to figure out how to get out of this situation. Inspired, he jumped up from the couch and pulled Aaron along with him.

"We can talk to the dean and explain everything to him. You can ask for an oral test."

"What?"

"Come on, let's go, we need to make it before training. Otherwise, Kevin won't give us any peace."

...

"Hey, Aaron, what do you think..."

Neil stopped himself when he noticed Aaron leaning over his textbook with his headphones on. But he suddenly looked up at him and asked.

"What?"

Neil was taken aback and embarrassedly pointed to his ears.

"I thought you were wearing headphones. How did you hear me?"

Aaron simply shrugged.

"I didn't turn them on."

Neil frowned, not understanding what he was talking about.

"What do you mean?"

Aaron sighed and pointed to the headphone cord lying nearby and not connected to the phone.

"I didn't turn them on. I just wear them when I don't want anyone to touch me or talk to me. So everyone thinks I listen to music."

"Why not listen to music for real then?"

Aaron looked back down at the pages of his textbook.

"I can't concentrate. The thoughts in my head are too loud, and the music makes me sick."

"Clear."

Neil forgot what he initially wanted to ask and, looking thoughtfully at Aaron, left him to study.

...

Aaron, as a medical student, of course knew that the daily life of a real and serial doctor was radically different. But something in all this drama and fake relationships attracted him, and medicine was already a bonus.

Meredith was just shouting her famous phrase: "Pick me. Choose me. Love me." When, at the most interesting moment, the scene suddenly stopped. Aaron blinked several times and finally noticed his cousin.

Nicky took the laptop with the TV show paused and handed him a plate of sandwich in exchange.

"No screen time until you eat."

Nicky stated and Aaron groaned, trying to reach the laptop in his cousin’s hands without getting up.

"Later."

He shrugged off the concern. Nicky just tsked and walked back, setting the laptop on the table, away from Aaron, and came back again pointing at the sandwich.

"Now."

Nicky looked at him stubbornly, clearly not going to give up in his over-concern.

"What is this anyway?"

Aaron asked, giving up, picking up the plate. It was worth it, because the smile that appeared on Nicky's face was worth everything.

"Kevin said that an unbalanced diet contributes to increased symptoms of ADHD."

Aaron snorted as he took the sandwich apart and looked at what Nicky had put inside.

"Of course Kevin did it."

Nicky did not pay attention to the grumpy tone and continued no less enthusiastically.

"For example, insufficiency of proteins and micronutrients: vitamins, folates, omega-3-polyunsaturated fatty acids and macro-microelements such as magnesium and iron."

Nicky began to list and Aaron looked at him in surprise. Although Aaron studied medicine, he rarely paid attention to his health and did not bother to find out the characteristics of his body.

"And let him drink water!"

Kevin shouted from somewhere in the kitchen causing Aaron to roll his eyes in annoyance. All he had to do was lose consciousness once, and now he was under watchful observation forever.

"Right! And drink at least half of this bottle."

Aaron sighed, resigned to his fate and hid a satisfied smile. He feigned displeasure and took a bite of the carefully prepared sandwich and only now realized how hungry he really was.

"Tasty?"

Nicky asked, watching his reaction, and Aaron’s warmth in his chest did not allow him to snap back. Aaron chewed thoroughly and nodded to his brother with a smile.

"Tasty."

...

Aaron sat silently staring at the wall in the dorm living room. Nicky sat next to him on the couch, looking at his profile. Neil froze in surprise, looking at them from the passage. Andrew took a quick glance and fell next to him.

"What are you doing?"

Nicky shrugged, never taking his eyes off Aaron.

"He's already sitting like that..."

Nicky checked his watch.

"Wow, it's almost an hour already."

Neil frowned in concern and waved his hand in front of Aaron's face. It wasn't that they became best friends, but their relationship began to improve and Neil cared for Aaron as a friend

"Is he okay?"

Nicky nodded a little hesitantly.

"As far as he can. At first I was worried, but now... I'm just wondering what's going on in his head right now."

Andrew leans towards his brother and whispers loudly in his ear.

"Aaron. Is anyone home?"

Aaron blinked and turned to his twin.

"What?"

He croaked.

"What did you do?"

Aaron looked around at them and leaned back on the couch, closing his eyes.

"I wanted to take a shower..."

Neil chuckled.

"But that was in the morning. You still haven't taken a shower?"

"No."

Aaron squeezed out a confession.

"Why ?"

"I don’t know, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. I sat down for a while and lost track of time."

"Have you eaten at all today?"

Andrew asked.

"Yes. I think I ate those cereals."

"Again?"

Nicky cried out in frustration and Neil supported him.

"Kevin says it's harmful to eat the same thing."

"I don't eat the same thing."

Aaron snapped irritably.

"You've been eating these cereals all week."

Andrew said and there was no way Aaron could compete with his eidetic memory.

"I ate other food too."

"Which one?"

Aaron opened and closed his mouth. Deciding not to answer this obviously rhetorical question, he rose from the sofa, working out his numb legs.

"Where are you going? In the shower?"

Nicky asked.

"No, I don’t have the strength for this. I'll do it tomorrow."

Andrew exchanged glances with Neil and Nicky, neither of them knowing exactly what was going on in Aaron's head. They could only be there and support him.

...

"Damn it."

Aaron said closing his laptop.

"What."

Andrew responded without taking his eyes off the book he was reading.

"I just lost my hyper fixation on Grey's Anatomy."

Nicky came up behind them and gently ruffled his brother's hair.

"Oh but, you still have many other interests, right?"

Aaron shook his head slowly.

"You don’t understand... it’s like a roller coaster, for which I stood in a huge line, and then rode it for hours and broke down. And now I have to look for something else and again stand in a kilometer-long queue."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

Andrew finally closed the book and turned to his brothers.

"I don't find any interests, Andrew. Interests find me. Understand?"

Neil chuckled, joining the conversation and falling into a bean bag chair. While Kevin, sighing, sat on the floor stretching out his tired legs.

"Like...like how it’s not you who chooses the wand, but the wand you?"

Nicky gasped, jumping up and down and clapping his hands. Neil just rolled his eyes.

"Aaaaah I KNEW IT!! I knew that the Harry Potter marathon would not be in vain! And you didn’t want to watch yet!"

Kevin looked at Aaron and frowned.

"Wait, wait... you want to tell us that you don’t have the slightest idea what to do in your free time now?"

Aaron nodded, frustrated.

"This series was the only thing that made me get up in the morning and go back to the dorm, and now it’s gone."

Nicky smiled again, amused by his cousin's sullen tone.

"Don't you think this is a little over...dramatic?"

Aaron raised his head indignantly.

"Don't criticize me! This was my method of self-regulation, okay?! My only reward at the end of a hard day. It was my way of releasing all these emotions that I can't allow to feel for myself, but can feel for a fictional character. And now I don't have that anymore."

Andrew nodded, bringing Aaron back.

"So what now?"

"Don't know. I ate and drank only while listening to this series."

"You know that this is not ok?"

Kevin said in an instructive tone, folding his arms over his chest.

"Watch attentively. That's where your stupid interests like exy are..."

Aaron lowered one hand to the level of his stomach and raised the other above his head as high as he could.

"And that's where my series is. Understand? This series was my life. I can say I built my personality on it. God, I even went to medical school just because of this series."

Andrew snapped his fingers near Aaron's ear, causing him to twitch.

"I seem to remember that you had the same crap with another series before. Why don't you just go back to him again?"

Aaron rolled his eyes.

"It's not that simple, Andrew. I exhausted all possible dopamine on the 8th viewing. And besides, I learned all the lines by heart and now it annoys me that they say what I already know in advance."

Neil chuckled.

"Okay, so how long do you have until the next hyperfixation?"

Aaron raised his eyes to the ceiling and clasped his hands in a prayer gesture.

"Everything is God’s will and it is not for us mere mortals to interfere with fate. WAIT! Should I start exploring different religions?"

"No!"

They shouted in unison.

...

Aaron felt protected and cared for. Nicky, Neil and Kevin tried to support him, as did the rest of the Foxes. Andrew, as promised, was by his side. He monitored his medication intake, nutrition, and even his bedtime.

Aaron gratefully accepted the help, even if he didn’t always show it. He was always inclined to plunge into things that interested him with excessive enthusiasm and quite often threw himself into his studies headlong. And while he was trying to make his dream come true and become a real doctor, studying many subjects and memorizing terms, time passed. He often neglected his physical and psychological health, devoting all his attention to his goals while he had the energy.

But every time he plunged headlong into something like this, sacrificing his sleep and rest, Andrew was nearby.

"Aaron, my personal copy and the problem for life."

Andrew called him, closing the genetics textbook right in front of his nose.

"Argh."

Aaron growled tiredly, opening another microbiology textbook and starting new notes.

"What is it like waking up in the morning to realize that you are the rudest bitch in this dorm?"

Andrew chuckled, amused by his grumpy tone.

"Don't know. I'll ask now. Neil!"

He shouted in the direction of the kitchen.

"What?"

Neil, chewing something, approached them, looking questioningly at his boyfriend.

"Aaron is wondering: what is it like for you to wake up in the morning and realize that you are the rudest bitch in the dorm?"

Neil confusedly turned his head to Aaron and asked.

"Is it time for someone to go to bed?"

Aaron growled at them in annoyance as he grabbed onto his microbiology textbook and wrestled with his brother. He and Andrew fought over the textbook, pulling it in different directions, and tired Aaron predictably lost. Neil took advantage of the moment and picked up his notebook with notes.

"Microorganisms, most of which consist of...set an alarm clock and a simple biological organization...Fly to the moon and leave...when...ribosomes look like small grains, like...rice or better yet, buckwheat..."

Neil read aloud and closed the notebook.

"Aaron, you are writing some kind of nonsense. You really should rest and continue tomorrow."

Aaron groaned in protest, dropping his heavy head onto the table.

"Now I have to rewrite everything..."

Andrew chuckled.

"Have to. And all because you have again exhausted yourself with overwork. Didn't I tell you to stop being stupid and putting your health in danger?"

Andrew lectured him, but Aaron clearly heard hidden sincere concern for him in the depths of his words.

"Mmmm, I need to get ready. It is very important!"

Aaron justified himself without opening his eyes, but sitting up straight.

"I need to pass this exam."

Aaron felt his pulse pounding in his temples, indicating the beginning of a migraine, but did not pay attention to it. When Andrew noticed the painful expression on his brother's face that he had every time he had a headache.

"Is it so important that you are so careless with your health? You no longer need to prove anything to anyone. Everyone already knows that you are talented and smart."

Aaron, flattered by the compliment, opened one eye.

"I know that I don’t need to prove anything to anyone... I know that this is... irresponsible of me. I know that I should be more careful."

Aaron sighed.

"Maybe you're right. And I'm probably... putting too much pressure on myself..."

Andrew nodded, understanding exactly what Aaron meant. It's hard to break old habits. He looked him over quickly from head to toe.

"How are you feeling?"

Aaron shrugged.

"I'm fine."

"That's a dollar!"

Neil, who had been silent until then, teased him.

"You know the rules! And what? I'm not the only one who has to spend money because of this stupid rule!"

Aaron winced, but corrected himself.

"That's better. My head is still a little dizzy, but not as bad as before."

Andrew nodded and helped Aaron to his feet, gently but firmly guiding him towards the room.

"No! I'm not tired yet!"

He whined, trying to return to the table, but Neil grabbed him from the other side and he had no strength left to resist both of them. On the way to the bedroom, Andrew skeptically examined his brother's red eyes and his trembling fingers and frowned.

"Have you been drinking energy drinks again?"

Aaron couldn't hide his hands, but shook his head negatively when he was lowered onto the bed.

"No."

Andrew chuckled skeptically, not believing him for a second. He did research and knew that caffeine was a nervous system stimulant that increased alertness, energy and attention. Aaron apparently believed that it alleviated his ADHD symptoms and claimed that a cup of coffee in the morning and a jar or two or three in the afternoon helped him wake up and increased his focus, making him more productive. Aaron loved caffeine because it made him feel more "normal". Andrew did not deny these advantages, but he also could not help but notice the disadvantages. The high amounts of caffeine made Aaron's medications work less well and he became more nervous and depressed. Caffeine suppressed his appetite. And so Aaron’s slight difficulties falling asleep at night turned into a real struggle.

"Yeah."

Andrew crouched in front of his brother, taking off his shoes and pulling off his jeans as Neil ran out of the room to get a glass of water.

"I can not sleep!"

Aaron whined, allowing his brother to take off his shirt and put on a T-shirt.

"Why not?"

Andrew gently laid his head on the pillow and lifted his limp legs. Aaron sighed.

"I can’t and all my bones are rubbing inside and I can’t..."

"Do you want me to ask Nicky to bring that ointment? It helped you last time."

"Mhmm"

Aaron hummed, frowning and closing his tired eyes.

"Now."

Andrew rubbed Aaron's calves with a warming m to relax his muscles and turned on the first video he came across on his phone. Aaron fell asleep better with the noise.

"Andrew...stay"

He asked quietly as Andrew was about to leave.

"Move over."

Aaron sighed, falling asleep and feeling the presence of his brother nearby.

Notes:

The exercise that Betsy gave to Aaron I did myself more than once. It’s really cool, if you don’t know where you got your different beliefs from or you also judge yourself for something, try it - maybe it’s not your thing at all.

Andrew is a big kind-hearted and caring older brother to me. And yes, I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy about 10 times already and it’s my comfort show, so now Aaron is a fan too 💅
How do you like this work? I will be glad to see your kudos and especially comments!

Notes:

This turned out to be more pages than I expected. And I decided to divide this work into 2 parts. Don't worry, part 2 has already been written, so you won't have to wait long! Just need to edit and check for mistakes.

And I didn't go into detail about Aaron's bathroom scene because I don't think it's very important here and I also want to make a separate fanfic about it.

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