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“Are you sure about this?”
Jaemin doesn’t bother looking up at his friend Mark, focusing on properly and quickly tying his shoelaces that had come undone just outside their destination. He’s not trying to be rude by ignoring his friend but after being asked the same question at least 5 times in the last hour, he is honestly sick and tired of it.
“Yes, I will be fine I promise.” He still gives an answer, standing up to his full height and walking past the older, leading their way into the already bustling frat party they were invited to. The music is loud, vibrating into his bones, and the house feels stuffy with so many people there, a faint haze from the different kinds of smoking the other students succumb to.
It doesn’t take long for them to run into familiar faces and even when Jaemin and Mark are pretty close friends for being roommates majoring in different areas, they naturally separate and Jaemin doesn’t have to continue feeling that worried and pitiful stare following him.
He appreciates Mark trying to look out for him, really he does, lord knows he has been there over the last couple months including the times Jaemin would just sob into his pillow wishing he could die.
Ok, maybe desiring death was a bit dramatic but he had gotten his heart broken when the man he swore would be his husband one day down the line suddenly decided to dump him.
Jeno breaking up with him the day before midterms, so out of left field, seriously hurt him and Jaemin has slowly but surely healing from all of it, blocking him back in every social media he could find (even spotify), compiling into a zip file all their pictures and hiding that file at least 10 folders deep in his laptop, and unfortunately distanced himself from someone he considered one of his best friends.
He can’t say he is surprised that Donghyuck turned out to be that friend of your ex who makes it his goal in life to silently torment you by sending you the coldest glares no matter the distance between you, even across the whole open area in the library.
As if Jaemin had done anything wrong and it was not Jeno who woke up one day and decided he wanted nothing more to do with him.
It may be true that in their relationship neither had the most brilliant skills of communication, heck Jaemin is not sure when did they exactly start dating -was it the night he crossed the line between friends and more when he leaned in to kiss Jeno after pretending to not notice the heat in his stare, the raw longing in his gaze that Jaemin shared? Or was it the week after when Jeno told one of their friends they wouldn’t be able to join them on their outing as they were going to have a date that very night?- but he never considered it a flaw, he could tell Jeno loved him and he was sure Jeno could say the same for Jaemin’s love.
So yeah, Jaemin may have been a bit of a pathetic mess over the last couple months but the semester is ending soon and he will take a plane to visit home. He has high hopes summer break will help him move on properly.
But he didn’t want to end his school year, giving the impression he was utterly broken by Jeno, only seen in lecture rooms, the library and the cafeterias spread across campus.
And that is how he accepted his friend’s invite to the party his frat house was hosting, hoping to have a good time that will not only convince others but himself that he is doing much better. He dolled up to come here, his skin is glowy, hair combed and slicked back, the graphic tee he grabbed hugs his frame in all the right places just as the tears in his jeans show the right amount of smooth skin on his thighs. His makeup was collecting dust before tonight but he didn’t want to look like he was trying too much so he only went for a bit of mascara and a tinted lip balm.
“Jaem!” He flinches, startled by the sudden call of his name loud enough to not be drowned out by the music. Turning around he sees the friend that invited him, Yangyang, making his way through the crowd to get to him, that bright gummy smile of his full on display. “You did make it after all!” He says once he stops in front of him, offering him the cup he had on his hand and without questioning it Jaemin grabs it.
He takes a swing of it, holding back a scowl from the bitterness. “I told you I would,” he answers one he has downed half the cup, crossing his arms and quirking an eyebrow at the taiwanese. “Did you seriously doubt me?”
Yangyang shrugs. “Would you blame me? We all know that break up was one sided,” always blunt, with not an ounce of malice in his voice. “But that doesn’t matter, you’ve come here and I’ll make sure you have fun!”
Jaemin smiles, an honest smile as something warms up inside him and it's not solely from whatever strong drink Yangyang had given him. The two of them talk for just a few minutes, catching up after not seeing each other in the past week, when a flash of white catches his attention a few meters behind Yangyang.
Standing there, sipping on a drink while a pretty girl places her dainty hands on his chest, is his ex-boyfriend Jeno, his bleached white hair making him unmistakable but even without it, Jaemin has no doubts his eyes would have found him regardless.
Yangyang is quick to catch how Jaemin’s attention is no longer in their conversation and looks over his shoulder, just a quick glance to find whatever has made Jaemin zone out and then he is turning back to him, shifting in place to hide Jeno from his sight.
In his big eyes, Jaemin sees a sparkle, something that twinkles with mischief, knows that look means he has an idea that he will swear on everything is nothing short of brilliant but most people wouldn’t agree.
“Do you want to make him jealous?”
There is no need for Jaemin to ask him to elaborate on how he will put that offer into action, Jaemin can see the way the corners of his lips curl, smirking and licking his lips giving them a light sheen, making them look inviting.
Jaemin should laugh Yangyang’s idea off, he should know better than stoop to something so petty, especially when there is no reason to believe Jeno would actually care if Jaemin is with someone else.
But in that moment, with the image of someone all up on Jeno’s space so fresh on his mind, knowing the other man is actually so close, Jaemin gives into the impulse, seeking for a kind of satisfaction if this pains Jeno just a smidge of all the pain he caused him.
He crashes his mouth against Yangyang’s, his hands naturally moving to cup his friend’s face and tilt his head just right for their kiss to deepen how he wants it. Yangyang grabs him by the waist and pulls him closer, his tongue sliding onto Jaemin’s mouth, kissing him stupid.
It feels good, feels great, Yangyang doesn’t kiss him with the love he could feel Jeno kissed him with but there was still care and tenderness underneath the heat and tingling pleasure. This kiss doesn’t mean anything more to either of them, he is perfectly aware of it when this is not their first time making out.
Just as something hot and hungry starts pooling in the pit of his stomach, Yangyang leans back and Jaemin barely stops himself from following after him, feeling just slightly embarrassed when he sees how his hands have messed up Yangyang’s hair.
He yelps when his friend squeezes his butt with a chuckle but before he can scold him for it, he notices Jeno standing but a few steps behind Yangyang and his body grows cold, acting on its own as he mumbles an excuse and all but runs away.
Jaemin wanted to hurt Jeno, not to have a confrontation. He knows his ex boyfriend used to be jealous over Yangyang after Renjun mentioned in passing how Yangyang and Jaemin were about to hook up the night they met and only didn’t do it because they didn’t find an empty room or bathroom for a quickie.
But still, Jeno dumped him, so why would he feel the need to come up to Jaemin for possibly hooking up with Yangyang? Not that the idea had crossed his mind, just some not-so-innocent making out.
He goes up to the second floor and places his bet on the third door he comes across, thanking all his lucky stars when it not only opens but turns out to be an empty bedroom with two twin beds. Jaemin lets out a deep sigh, allowing the relief coursing through his body to pull him to sit on the floor, back against the door.
Unfortunately, he doesn’t get a moment longer of peace, startled by someone knocking on the door. Jaemin mulls over what to do for a moment, to stay hidden or yield his newfound sanctuary to a possibly horny young adult. In the end, he stands up and opens the door, he might as well just go find another friend to catch up with, no kissing involved this time around.
Jaemin doesn’t get the time to process what happens next, unable to stop how Jeno walks inside, pushing Jaemin back further into the room with a gentle palm on the middle of his chest while he closes the door behind himself with the other hand, the noise of the lock ringing loud in Jaemin’s ears.
“You told me there was nothing going on between you and Yangyang,” Jeno says, cutting to the chase.
Jaemin’s eyes narrow, a flicker of anger replacing the initial panic that has his heart beating in his throat. “You don’t get to do this, Jeno.” He scoffs, crossing his arms over his chest.
“What?” Jeno’s voice is cold, but there’s a tremor beneath it, a hint of the pain he’s trying to hide and oh how Jaemin wishes he could feel the satisfaction he was seeking before but he doesn’t. He still loves Jeno, he does not want to see him in pain even after all the tears he has shed over him. “I saw you, Jaemin. I saw you two making out just moments ago and you looked ready to get your hands underneath his pants.”
Jaemin takes a deep breath, forcing himself to stay calm. “You dumped me, Jeno, I don’t see who I’m fucking is any of your business.”
Jeno’s eyes narrow, tilts his head slightly to the side and even if they’re basically the same height, he makes Jaemin feel as if he’s looking down on him, the curl of his lips smug. “Is that how it is, Jaemin? Moving on that quickly?”
Jaemin’s expression hardens, fingernails digging on the soft skin of his palms to stop himself from making any movement that could reveal how Jeno’s words sting “You don’t get to act all high and mighty, Jeno, you’re the one who ended things without giving me a reason.”
Jeno shrugs, leaning against the door, blocking Jaemin's exit. “Maybe I did but it didn’t take you long to find comfort elsewhere, did it?” his voice is almost perfectly nonchalant but Jaemin still knows him, he can hear the faint note of bitterness in his voice and that just frustrates him further.
Jaemin’s jaw clenches, glaring at his ex boyfriend with a venom he didn’t know he had in him but this all seems so cruel and ridiculous. “What do you want from me, Jeno? You made your choice. I’m just trying to move on.”
Jeno steps closer, his eyes dark with a mix of jealousy and something else. “You think I really broke up with you for no reason at all? Since when are you this dumb? I guess I was right after all.”
He bristles, uncrosses his arms but keeps his hands at his sides, rolling his shoulders back. “Don’t be so fucking condescending,” Jaemin snaps, frustration boiling over. “And right about what? That I wouldn’t sit around and pine for you forever?”
“That maybe you never really cared as much as I did.”
Jaemin’s heart aches at the accusation, but he refuses to back down. “Of course I cared, Jeno! I wouldn’t care this much if I didn’t love you but no amount of love can turn you into a mind reader so how was I supposed to know you were getting those stupid ideas if you didn’t bring them up to me?”
“Love? Not loved?” Jeno whispers, eyes wide and no longer cold and mean. Jaemin bites on his tongue, cursing himself for such a pathetic slip-up but he prides himself in never having lied to Jeno and he is clearly not going to start doing so now, so instead of acknowledging it he tries to carry on.
“You should have talked to me,” Jaemin continues, his voice steady despite how his stomach feels a mess, anxious over this unintended confrontation. “We could have worked through it, but you didn’t give us that chance. You just assumed and left.”
Jeno steps closer, the previous smugness completely gone. “So, you still love me?” His voice is soft, almost vulnerable and it tugs on Jaemin’s heartstrings because he cannot quite let him go no matter how hard he tries
Jaemin looks away, trying to compose himself. “What difference does it make now, Jeno? You’re the one who ended things. I’m trying to move on, even if it’s not easy.”
Jeno reaches out, gently touching Jaemin’s arm. “It makes all the difference to me. I thought you were done with me, that you didn’t care anymore. Hearing you say you still love me... it changes everything.”
Jaemin shakes his head, pulling away slightly. “It’s not that simple, I still don’t know what I did for you to think I didn’t love you anymore and you’ve hurt me, so deeply, by not only not trusting my feelings for you but also deciding to end things with me without giving me a chance.”
With a sigh, Jeno nods and moves to sit down on the twin bed on the left, patting beside him for Jaemin to sit down too. He considers the offer for a long moment, giving in when Jeno gives him that look with his doe eyes that he never figured out how to deny.
“You started canceling our plans,” Jeno begins, his voice low, filled with a mix of sadness and frustration. “First it was because of school, then your internship, and then just being tired. I tried to understand, but it felt like I was the last thing on your mind.”
Jaemin opens his mouth to respond, defending himself with how they’re graduating next year so of course he has been busy but Jeno continues.
“You stopped texting me first,” Jeno says, his voice trembling just slightly. “I’d wake up to nothing from you, and when I’d reach out, your replies were short, like you were just too busy to bother.”
“I didn’t realize,” Jaemin says softly, his anger fading into bitter regret.
“And then there were the nights,” Jeno continues, his dark brown eyes now glistening. “You used to call me before bed, tell me about your day but then it stopped.” Jaemin’s hands itch to grab one of Jeno’s, try to ease away the blatant heartache Jeno is now revealing to him. “You’d say goodnight hours before you actually went to sleep, and I’d see you online, talking to others but not to me.”
Jaemin feels a lump in his throat, guilt washing over him. “Jeno, I-”
“I felt like I was losing you, bit by bit,” Jeno says, his voice finally breaking. “And then our anniversary came and you didn’t say anything about it, that was what made me decide to get away from you because I couldn’t handle it anymore.”
“Our anniversary?” Jaemin drawls, leaning in closer and hooking a finger underneath Jeno’s chin to turn his face to him, his heart aching with longing at how Jeno’s reaction is to lean into the barely there touch. “Jeno, we never asked each other out officially, we went from friends to boyfriends from one day to the other, I don’t have a specific date in mind for the beginning of our relationship.”
Jeno’s face pinkens, the tips of his ears becoming a brighter shade near red, and he looks away mumbling under his breath that their first day is obviously the night Jaemin finally kissed him.
He smiles, endeared by how adorable Jeno looks when he gets shy but he shakes his head to focus on the main issue at hand, needing to respond to everything else Jeno just confessed to him. “I didn’t mean to make you feel that way, I was just overwhelmed with everything, and I didn’t see how much it was affecting us.”
“I just wanted to be with you, Jaemin. I still do.” Jeno whispers, his gaze lowering from Jaemin’s eyes to his lips. It takes everything in Jaemin to not give into the silent request. They really need to start working on their communication skills if there’s any hope for them to have a future together.
“I still want to be with you Jeno, we can try, okay? I’ll do my best.” Jeno brightens immediately. His smile is slow at first, and then Jaemin blinks twice and Jeno is beaming at him, giving him that moon eyed smile that makes Jaemin’s heart ache, his chest feeling too small for his tender heart.
“I will too, Jaeminie,” nobody else has dared to call him that, because no one can do it as sweetly as Jeno does, he doesn’t fight back the grin that grows on his face, his eyes quickly welling up with tears. “I promise.”
Their relationship may not have been as perfect as Jaemin initially thought but he doesn’t doubt for a single second that it's worth it, all the heartache over the past few months, the future arguments they may have, it is all worth it if he gets to have Jeno at his side.