Chapter Text
Anthony had gone to bed early, which was extremely uncharacteristic of him. Kate couldn't help but worry.
He hadn't seemed ill, but he had spent a lifetime hiding his own problems in order to care for others, so she couldn't confidently rule out sickness.
She was constantly fearful that her husband would drop of a deadly illness that he was completely aware of, but told no one about, and hid the symptoms for god knows how long. She loved him, but he was terrible at taking care of himself.
She excused herself earlier than she typically would, but still stayed long enough for Penelope to tell her all about the latest book she was reading, and how excited she was to see Eloise and tell her all about her book, which Eloise had also been reading in Scotland. They'd been sending letters to each other constantly, and the book seemed to be a frequent topic of discussion.
Kate loved seeing her sister-in-law so passionate about something, particularly something that society had told her she was wrong for enjoying. But Penelope was far too intelligent, and far too headstrong, to listen to how well-read a lady 'should' or 'shouldn't' be. It was also something her and Colin had in common, although the books they read were rarely the same.
As Kate made her way, as quietly as possible, to the bedroom she shared with her husband, her worry for him set back in. Was he simply tired? Upset? Unwell? Worse? Her mind instantly went to the most awful scenarios possible.
She opened the door as gently as she could, attempting to avoid stepping on any floorboards that she knew would make a sound. It didn't matter how quiet she was, however, because Anthony already knew she was there. The sight of him made her heart speed up, in a way that made her dizzy. Not the kind of butterflies she usually got when she saw her husband. She was truly on edge.
He was still completely dressed, and looked as if he hadn't moved in hours, though he wasn't gone so long. He was sitting up, on the very edge of his side of the bed, staring at the wall opposite. His eyes had flickered over to his wife as she entered the room, before quickly settling back on the wall.
His face was pale, as if he'd seen a ghost or was about to vomit. His hair had fallen over his forehead, loose from sweat and from Anthony running his own hands through it. He looked as if he hadn't eaten or slept in days. Kate's heartrate spiked again.
"Anthony?" Kate whispered, making no steps towards him. She was worried that if she got too close, he'd bolt.
"Kate." His voice came out dry and raspy. She hated it.
"Why on Earth are you..." The words died on her lips the moment he met her gaze, and stretched his arm out towards her. He had never looked at her like that. With all they'd been through together, she'd never seen him like that.
Like...
Like he was afraid of her.
Benedict had spent another night with David, and a peaceful day with him and Sophie, gently needling each other and amusing him to no end. He absolutely adored their dynamic, even more so as it was somewhat rare in their society. And by somewhat rare, he meant almost entirely forbidden.
Of course, no one in the Ton was aware that David and Sophie Beckett lived together. But, their neighbourhood was much more discreet, and was home to many different kinds of people, with much more unique situations than a male and female best friend pairing.
Ben appreciated immensely that he had been lucky enough to find himself a part of this kind of society, the society that suited him extraordinarily well.
As the three of them chatted the day away, Benedict couldn't believe how fortunate he was. David touched him, hugged him, kissed him all throughout the day, and Sophie just smiled, or made a little comment about David's supposed clingy behaviour. Not an ounce of fear surrounded them.
Well, not an outwardly expressed ounce of fear.
Benedict could feel himself becoming incrementally more nervous as the day went on. He felt as if he'd been snatched up with the intention of being married off, and part of him really detested that feeling.
But, the other part of him didn't want to let David go. He enjoyed his company, and didn't want to do anything that might jeopardise that. And, as he kept reminding himself, they couldn't get married even if they wanted to. So, really, he had nothing to worry about. It had only been one day.
Eventually, he had to peel himself away, so that he may ease his family's concerns for him, and so he may ruminate on the past few days. With one final firm handshake from Sophie, and one final kiss from David, he set off for home.
But, he needed to make just one pit stop first.
"Anthony, please speak to me." They hadn't ever suffered communication problems since getting married and Kate wasn't planning on starting now.
Other women may have assumed that a stunned, fearful silence insinuated that their husband had been unfaithful, or had swindled all of their money and possessions. Kate knew that neither could be the case. She knew her husband better than that, better than anyone, but even still. She couldn't place what was plaguing him so terribly.
But she wasn't going to stop until she figured him out (as was the case for most things in their marriage).
"What happened? You seemed just fine throughout dinner." Though, he had always been so good at hiding. Kate had been getting incrementally better, day by day, at learning his tells. Unfortunately, Anthony had been perfecting his hiding for most of his life, if not all of it. She had a lot of catching up to do.
"Kate..." He croaked out her name as if he were allergic to it. He reached out for her, and the moment she took his hand, water began streaming down his already tear-stained face.
"Darling, what-?"
"Kate, would you still love me if I-" Anthony choked on his breath. Kate knelt in front of him, holding his face with her free hand. "I think I should tell you something, something important to me, but I'm worried that you might not..." Anthony's voice devolved from a stammer into an outright sob, "that you might not love me after I tell you!"
He buried his face in his hands, pulling away from her again. Kate had never seen him cry quite like this. He was outright sobbing, and it was thoroughly breaking her heart into a million tiny pieces.
Kate reached up to gently remove Anthony's hands from his face. He let her, and he eventually made eye contact with her as she ran her thumbs over the backs of his hands, as softly as she could.
"Anthony... No matter what it is you choose to share with me, I will always love you. Unless you... God forbid, unless you murdered someone!" Anthony cracked a small smile and shook his head. "Then I promise I will still love you. My darling," she cradled his face once more, "we have seen the worst of each other. And we are still here, aren't we?"
He nodded, and eventually was able to meet her eyes again.
"What is it you want to tell me, love?"
Anthony sucked in a harsh, sharp breath. "When I was in uni... It was the first time I had truly been granted any kind of freedom. I wasn't a viscount, I wasn't an older brother, I wasn't a parent. For the first time in my life, I could just be... Just Anthony. No one else. No one expected me to be anyone else."
He ran his hands down his trousers, and leant further into Kate's hand that was still holding his jaw. He reached out to hoist her up by the waist. She laughed as he lifted her up and sat her on top of him. Her weight was a comforting and welcome pressure, pushing down on his thighs. He pushed his face into her neck, and left a kiss there before he lowered her down to sit beside him on the bed.
"And part of that experience... I got around a lot. With not a ridiculous amount of people, but enough to earn me a certain reputation. One that rightfully followed me into adulthood. And... Part of that university experience was learning that my... my own personal attraction doesn't... isn't, uh, contained," Anthony cleared his throat as Kate held her breath, "to just women."
Kate was caught off guard by how quickly her held breath shot out of her mouth. That was all? Thank goodness, he had her worried.
But, truly, if that was all, why was Anthony so scared to tell her? So terrified that he had worked himself towards genuine illness?
"Anthony, why would you-"
"I am still attracted to men. I can't do anything about it. It won't affect our marriage, I swear on my life." He gripped her hands tight as they rested in her lap.
"Darling, I know that you-"
"I haven't acted on it in years, God forbid anyone found out. I couldn't put our family through that."
"So you would comprise yourself to save face?" Kate knew the answer was a resounding 'yes', but she had to hear him say it.
"Yes. I've done it for 10 years. I barely even notice anymore." His voice was so small, a result of fear rather than shyness or contentment. Kate barely recognised him.
"I understand self-preservation for your family's sake, to protect you from further ridicule. However, as your wife, I hope for you to feel as safe as possible with me. We are happy, are we not?" Anthony nodded. "Then I expect you to be able to be honest with me. We are a family. And we do not hide from our family."
"We do not." He still sounded beyond solemn; emotionally congested.
"You know I do not mind. It is not as though I could blame you. I too find men attractive." Kate kept her tone as light and jovial as possible, trying her best to lift the mood.
The corners of Anthony's mouth twitched upwards. She could his eye dimples, a sure-fire sign of his impending grin. She kissed his cheek, and he rested his head on her shoulder with a waited sigh.
"Should we attempt to sleep?"
"We should, dearest. We should." Kate kissed the top of her husband's head, and inwardly prayed that she had done enough to assure him that her love would not wayver. "I love you, Anthony."
"I love you too, Kate. Thank you." He looked up at her, a quiet smile spread across his lips.
After they settled, Kate couldn't help but ask. "What kind of men?"
Anthony rolled his eyes as he lay on his side to face her. "I will not dignify that with a response." They grinned at each other.
Kate indulged in the way her husband curled up against her chest and promptly fell asleep. He looked so at ease.
She knew this conversation wasn't entirely over, but they arrived at a healthy enough place to ensure a peaceful night's sleep.
"Benedict?"
"Tilley. Sorry to bother you, I just-" Benedict looked over his shoulder, hoping that no one heard anyone call Lady Arnold her given name, "I need some advice, if you'd be willing to-"
"Of course. Come in, come." She beckoned him inside her home, closing the door behind him. "What is it you need help with?"
They hadn't spoken many times since he turned down her idea of courtship, but luckily, there was no hostility and very little tension between them. Ben cared deeply for her, and valued the friendship she still gifted him.
"If this is in any way insensitive, I grant the opportunity to slap your hand over my mouth and tell me off, but..." Benedict had been desperately attempting to gather his colourful thoughts on the walk to Tilley's, and as he stood before her, all that meticulous planning seemed to fly out the window.
Tilley offered him a smile of support. He wrung his hands and tried to focus on the task at hand, and not on how clammy he was becoming.
"I, uh... I have begun a relationship of sorts, with someone I value very highly. Neither of us, uh, neither of us wish to get married. Well," he chuckled sadly, "we couldn't even if we wanted to, as he is a man, but... and I'm sorry if this is uncomfortable, but you seem to be very well versed in unique relationships. And I could use your help."
"Interesting." Tilley smiled, a genuine smirk that put Benedict at ease. "Go on."
"Well, we have recently spent quite a lot of uninterrupted time together, along with his best friend, who he lives with, and I enjoyed every moment. Truly. But I... I worry that he might want things from me that I don't know how to give."
Tilley invited Ben to sit beside her on the bench seat by her staircase. "What things?" She prompted.
"Singularity? I have never settled down with just one person, and as much as I care for David, I do not intend to shut myself off from new people for him."
"Does he expect that from you?" Benedict shifted to face her.
"That's... I do not know. I..."
"Would you bar him from meeting other people whilst he was promised to you?"
Promised? Neither of them were promised to anyone. But, he understood why she meant.
"No. I cannot possibly have different standards and rules for myself that I do for him. That's the very definition of unfairness!"
Tilley chuckled fondly. "You truly are one of a kind, Bridgerton."
"How do I tell him?" He asked, ignoring her comment. "What if we want different things? What if I've completely misjudged everything?" He was thinking out loud, which wasn't necessarily the best option, but he had no better ideas.
"I cannot answer any of these questions for you."
"I know!" Benedict buried his face in his hands. He knew he was being dramatic. He felt he'd earned the right. "I should really be getting back to my family. I would hate for them to worry about me." He stood, but wasn't alone on his feet for long.
Tilley wrapped him in a hug that felt so comforting and safe that he wanted to cry. She was such a special person, despite the two of them only being acquainted for a short time. She was a strong presence, and definitely not someone to fear.
"Thank you." He whispered into her hair.
"Of course."
Benedict knew he had to get home, make himself known, and check on Anthony, but he didn't want to let Tilley go just yet.