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Curtains pulled shut. Noise-canceling headphones on. Eyes drooping.
Head swimming. A bleak, sinking feeling in her chest. Unbearable exhaustion. Self hatred.
Even moving the cursor to close a tab on her browser was a hassle when Candace felt like this. It definitely wasn't her idea of a perfect Saturday afternoon.
A couple dozen more tabs loomed on the screen – all of them were various half-filled applications for scholarships, college admission forms, and pre-law degree requirements. It was almost September now. Senior year was already underway. If she didn't get on the ball with her applications, she would fall behind, and then she might not get accepted to any schools with good law programs (if she got accepted anywhere at all ).
And she was trying . She'd set aside her entire weekend to focus on this, and she had submitted two scholarship essays that morning. But there was still so much to do, and it was already two o’clock.
She had hit a mental wall. She couldn't even make herself fill out the easy stuff, like her name and address. It was like something seized her hands every time she tried to type.
Her room was dark. The only lights were her night light and her dim laptop screen. The ambiance probably wasn't helping her mood, but turning on the ceiling light now would make her eyes hurt.
She couldn't nap. The Ducky Momo throw blanket wrapped around her shoulders made the idea tempting, but she had to keep working.
Maybe if she just rested her eyes for a moment, she could get back on track. If she didn't lay down, she wouldn't fall asleep. Besides, with the way she was feeling, the stress would keep her awake even if she laid down.
Just for a moment…
She shut her eyes and propped her head up in her hands, letting the music from her headphones wash over her instead of letting it fade to the background. It was an older Bettys song, one from their first album that didn't get much airtime on the charts. Candace had always liked it, though.
The song faded out on a guitar solo, and there was a few seconds of silence before the shuffle began playing a song by Jeremy’s band. Breath. One that he had written about her before they were boyfriend and girlfriend.
She considered skipping it. It wasn't that she didn't like the song – anything her boyfriend came up with was a masterpiece, as far as she was concerned, especially when she was the muse – but it was reminding her of anxieties that she had been trying to ignore all day.
During Jeremy's senior year, he had decided to take a gap year before he started college. He claimed he wanted time to focus on his music and get a full-length album written and recorded. This put him in the position of going through the application process at the same time as Candace.
They had daydreamed together about going to the same university multiple times before. It was fun to talk about walking across campus, pulling all-nighters at the library, and going to college parties together.
But what if they weren't accepted to any of the same schools? What if they ended up hours apart? Would their relationship survive?
Did he even want to go to the same school as her? Was he just trying to spare her feelings when they talked about being freshmen together?
And now that she was thinking about it, his music had never gotten in the way of his academics before. Was the gap year because of her ?
Was she… holding him back?
A light touch on her shoulder startled her and made her shriek.
The adrenaline wasn't pleasant, but it woke her up, and she saw Jeremy standing by her bed with his hands up in surrender. The initial annoyance she had felt at her interrupter quickly dissipated and panic took its place.
“Oh, Jeremy. I didn't see you.”
He eased up. “Sorry. You weren't picking up your phone, and I tried knocking…”
She glanced at her phone, realizing she had set it to silent in anticipation of her productivity. Stupid. She had told him and her family that she was trying to get stuff done today, but she hadn't told them ‘do not disturb’. No wonder he came to check on her.
She pinched the bridge of her nose. “No, I should be the one apologizing. I didn't mean to scream at you.”
“It's alright. It was justified.” He frowned. “Hey, are you okay? You looked kinda intense there.”
“Sorry, I'm just…” She removed the headphones from where they had slid down her neck and set them aside. As she did, her hand grazed her hair, and she was suddenly very self-conscious about the fact that she hadn't brushed it since last night. “I'm just frazzled.”
As if he could read her mind, he crossed the room to her vanity, picked up her hair brush, and motioned for her to scooch over. “Here, let me help.”
It was both a relief and a stressor to set the laptop aside to make room. She couldn't keep doing this. She couldn't keep needing help. Eventually, nobody would want to help anymore.
The mattress shifted as she turned around and he sat behind her. She shut her eyes again as he methodically began combing the tangles out of her hair, starting from the ends. Sometimes she forgot that he did Suzy's pigtails every morning, so he wasn't completely clueless about hair like some guys his age were. When the time came, she wouldn't even have to teach him how to do their daughter's hair–
There she went again. Letting herself fantasize about things that weren't a certainty. Things that might not even happen. She shouldn't put so much faith in daydreams. It was only going to lead to–
“Have you eaten anything yet?”
She blinked at the wall. “My mom brought me a sandwich.”
“Cool.”
“Why do you ask?” Oh, no. What if she had ruined his plans to ask her out to lunch?
“Just making sure.” He pulled a section of hair over her shoulder. “I know I always work better on a full stomach, and you said you were gonna be hard at work today.”
She felt her entire body droop. “I don't think I've gotten anything done in hours.”
“You want me to hang out for a while? I bet we could knock those applications out in no time.”
“I don't know… shouldn't you work on yours first? Secure your own mask before helping others, right?” She laughed weakly.
Jeremy combed his fingers down a lock of her hair that had been fully de-tangled. “Well, if I help you first, I'll know exactly which schools I should apply to.”
He was waiting on her. She was holding him back .
She fake-laughed again. “Oh.”
“Candace, are you sure you're okay?” He sounded so concerned. “It's not just the college stuff, is it?”
“Well, college is a big chunk of it, that's for sure.”
“Okay, so let's tackle that first. Do you wanna take a break? We can go downstairs and get some ice cream or something.”
“No, I need to get something else done today so it’s not a total waste. At least one admission form.”
“Something else? What did you do already?”
She rolled her eyes. “A couple of essays for some scholarships I'm not even going to get.”
“Hey, that's great! That's two essays more than what I've done.”
“And there's that , too.” She balled her fists out of stress. “Ugh, you're the perfect boyfriend!”
“I would say thank you, but given the context, I'm gonna need you to elaborate.”
“Jeremy, you found me sitting in the dark in my bedroom after not answering your phone calls, wallowing in my anxiety, and you're still sitting here, brushing my hair and trying to make me feel better.”
“Okay…” He set the brush down, having just finished the task anyway. “...did I make you upset?”
“No!” She turned around to face him, pulling her legs up to sit criss-cross. “I mean, you didn't upset me. I just got upset because… ugh, I don't know how to explain it without sounding like a crazy person.”
“Try me.”
“See, this is what I'm talking about.” She sighed. “Do you remember that argument we got into a couple Christmases ago?”
Jeremy nodded. “Yeah. And I think I understand why you were upset. I didn't understand back then, but I thought about it a lot afterwards.”
“It's kinda like that. Does that make sense?”
“A little.” His brow furrowed. “Are you worried about not being ‘perfect’? Because I promise, Candace–”
“No, it's not that. Nobody's perfect, even if I believe you are.”
“Ditto,” he replied with a smile.
“The thing is, that's impossible.”
“What is?”
“You liking me as much as I like you.”
His smile turned to a frown. “Of course that's possible.”
“It just doesn't make any sense.” She began counting on her fingers. “I'm way less confident than you, I’ve ran out of more dates than I can remember to chase some inane pipe dream, I'm obsessive to an off-putting degree, I constantly inconvenience you–”
“Now, hang on.” He laid a hand on her knee. “None of that is true–”
“And I know that you've told me that none of that is true, I know that you've helped me through this more times than I can count, and I have no reason to still think like this, but I can't help it. It just sticks in my brain like a radio I can't turn off. I can muffle it sometimes, but it's always there, and you deserve better than that, because it's not your fault that I have this stupid voice in my brain telling me that everything good in my life is a lie."
There was a heavy pause before he replied. "Well, it's not your fault, either."
"Either way, I need to be handling it, and I'm not handling it. I'm just making my loved ones’ lives harder. I mean, don't you ever get sick of taking care of me?”
It was at that moment that Candace noticed her hands trembling and tears welling up in her eyes.
Right before the waterworks started, Jeremy pulled her towards him and wrapped her in one of his cure-all hugs. She broke down as soon as her cheek hit his shoulder.
“I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.” Her voice crescendoed into a sob. “It’s only a matter of time.”
“Oh, Candace…” His voice was thick with pity. She was pitiful.
She couldn’t speak for a minute or two. She just cried, and Jeremy just held her. He was probably trying to think of the nicest way to agree with her.
“I’m right here. I’m not going anywhere.” He really did have the voice of an angel.
Once she caught her breath, she continued. “And it’s not just you. It’s Stacy, and my family, and everyone that’s ever cared about me or done nice things for me.” She inhaled deeply, her whole body shuddering. “You and everyone else are gonna figure out what’s wrong with me eventually, and even if they care about me now, they’re gonna wonder why they ever cared in the first place.”
“Well, first of all, your friends and family all love you. They would be doing exactly what I’m doing right now if they were in this room. Second of all, to answer your question, no.”
“Huh?”
“No. I don’t get sick of taking care of you.” He tightened his embrace. “Do you get sick of taking care of me?”
“What?” She was so flabbergasted by the question that she pulled away to look him in the eye. “What are you talking about?”
“Well, for starters, you’ve booked most of the gigs for the Incidentals. You’re pretty much our manager at this point, and a great one at that.” He tapped his chin in thought. “Every time I get sick, you bring me the best care packages ever . And do you remember last year, when Mandy was talking about me behind my back?”
Candace narrowed her misty eyes. “So I sabotaged her science project. Obviously . What would you have done?”
“My point is,” he wiped a tear away from her cheek, “when you really care about somebody, taking care of them never gets old.”
Heat crept into her face despite her blue mood. She felt like crying again. “But there’s a difference between me bringing you chicken noodle soup when you have a cold, and you having to pick up the pieces every time I break.”
“Candace, you are not broken.”
“And what about the gap year?”
He blinked. “What about it?”
She gesticulated with her hands. “You decided to take an entire year off after graduating, and now you’re having to wait around for me to get my life together before you can even decide where you wanna go!”
“But I just wanna be with you.”
“Jeremy, I don’t even know if I’m gonna get accepted anywhere yet. You want to be a music teacher, and you can’t even pursue your dream until I’m ready! I’m just holding you back!”
“Education and music theory programs are a dime a dozen. They’re everywhere. Trust me, you're not holding me back.” He held her by the shoulders. “And yeah, I wanna be a music teacher, but I wouldn't say that's my dream.”
Candace crossed her arms. “Well, what is your dream, then?”
“I don't really have anything set in stone, but… whenever I think about the future, you're always there.” It was his turn to start blushing. “The only plan I have aside from that is having kids one day. I wanna be a dad. And I know you wanna be a mom, so… white picket fence, you know? That's my dream, and going wherever you go is my plan.”
“Oh, Jeremy…” More tears threatened to spill. “Are you sure?”
“I've certainly thought about it enough to be sure,” he said as he reached down to take her hands. “And speaking of, let's circle back around to that list you just gave me.”
“Huh?”
“The reasons why you think I couldn't like you as much as you like me. Starting with you being obsessive.”
“Oh, yeah. That.”
She watched as he idly began playing with her hands. Tracing the lines in her palms and the divots between her fingers.
“I like that you have a plan. I wouldn't call it obsessive. You just think ahead, and I really admire that about you.”
“I guess you could call it that if you were being generous.”
“I mean, you've had baby names picked out for ages .”
Candace blanched. “You know about that?”
Jeremy smiled. “For a while, yeah. Xavier and Amanda.”
“God, I'm gonna kill Stacy one of these days.”
“I've got a baby name I like too, you know.”
“Really?” That caught her off guard. “What is it?”
“Fred.”
“Fred?”
“Yeah, Fred. After my granddad.”
“That's perfect.”
“It was between that or Hildegard.” He chuckled.
“No, I love it. If you love it, I love it. Xavier, Fred, and Amanda. It's got a nice ring to it.”
“You see?” He squeezed her hand. “You just know what you want. Not that I don't know what I want, but I'm pretty flexible. As long as we're together, I'll be a happy camper.”
“That's a lot of pressure, though,” Candace lamented. “What if I make a decision you don't like?”
“Then I'll tell you and we'll talk it out.”
“Okay, Mister Perfect, since you wanted to talk about the list, what about the whole busting thing? It ruined our last anniversary dinner!”
He shrugged. “I don't think it did. We got to watch some pretty sick fireworks.”
She frowned and huffed. “Yeah, after I ran off for twenty minutes.”
“Hey, do you think I'd still be your boyfriend if I didn't expect some busting along the way? Besides, that's another thing I've always liked about you.” He poked her in the chest, around where her heart would be. “You're the most driven person I've ever met. When you have a goal in mind, you see the line from point A to point B, and you follow it. I've never been able to do that.”
“Oh, come on. When we're not hanging out, you're either working with your band or at a charity event. At least you're productive.” Her laptop taunted her from where it sat on her pillow.
“And without you, the Incidentals would still be playing the same couple songs once every few months and not doing much else. You're ambitious.”
A heavy sigh. “And what good does that do me when I can't even get a stupid form filled out?”
Jeremy placed a kiss on her forehead. “You're just stressed out. It's a lot of work.”
“Yeah, I guess. Especially by myself.” Candace allowed him the display of affection. It was comforting, but her mind was still going a mile a minute contradicting everything he had said so far.
His tone was quiet, but assured. “It's a good thing you're not alone.”
If she didn't know better, she might have imagined a halo popping up over his head. He always knew exactly what to say. He really was perfect.
She wanted to take him at his word. And she did, but it was hard to internalize. He wasn't the problem here. Her irrational emotions were. It was infuriating to both believe him and doubt herself at the same time.
“We’re gonna do this hand in hand,” he continued. “I’m in this for the long haul, okay? And I know you are, too.”
“Of course I am,” she said with a sniffle.
“And since we’re a team, I need you to have a little trust in me, just like with Stacy and your family. You gotta believe me when I say I love you, and know that if something was wrong, I would tell you.”
“I do .” Her lower lip trembled. “I do trust you. It’s just hard , and it's me that I don't trust, not you. I’m probably gonna do this again at some point, and I’m afraid of things falling apart, because everything falls apart for me eventually–”
Jeremy pulled her into another hug. “Well, how about I love you enough for the both of us? We’ll get there, Candace. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere. We’ve got the rest of our lives to figure stuff out.”
That was certainly a comforting thought. She hugged him in return, her fingers curling into claws on his back. “I love you, too.”
He rubbed circles into her back. “And if something falls apart, I’ll be there to help, because you’d do the same for me. We can take care of each other, okay?”
A smile crept across her lips for the first time in over twenty-four hours. “Yeah. Okay.”
“Now, I think you need a break from thinking about applications.”
“Alright, you've convinced me.”
“Do you feel any better?”
“A little.” She pursed her lips. “I’ll let you know when I’m a hundred percent okay.”
“Perfect.” He cupped her face in his hands and kissed her. “Let’s go see a movie or something. We can worry about college when we get back.”