Chapter Text
After Greg made him eat the key lime pie, Alex tried to call it off.
Not because Greg had forced him to eat something – in fact, Greg hadn’t forced him to do anything, which was sort of the whole point – as that was well within their established dynamic on the show. No, it was because of how Greg had announced it.
There’d been little of his boyish excitement at knowing Alex would be doing something silly at his behest, and barely even any of his gleeful mock-cruelty. Instead he’d said it evenly, calmly, which coming from Greg felt more like a rebuke than anything. Especially after how painfully flat the banter section had been – or more accurately, how painfully flat Greg had made it, as if he’d been trying to demonstrate something, even if Alex had no clue what.
Which left him feeling surprisingly off-kilter, spending the rest of the recording trying to somehow suss out how Greg was actually feeling, an exercise in futility if ever there was one. Greg spent the episode much as he always did, which in turn had Alex reading into every pause, every brow furrow, every impatient tap of his pen.
And the only thing he had to show for it was key lime pie all over his suit and the beginnings of a stomach ache.
He half-heartedly wiped his hands against his trousers as he came off the stage, and only glanced up when he heard his name. “All right, then?” Rhod asked, skulking in the shadows like he’d been waiting for him.
“Fine,” Alex said, on instinct alone.
Rhod glanced sideways at him as they walked out together, heading back toward Alex’s dressing room. “Are you?” he asked. “You don’t sound it.”
Alex sighed, reaching up automatically to run a hand across his face, remembering at the last possible moment that he still had key lime pie smeared all over it. “Do you think we should maybe, er, call it off?” he asked.
“What?” Rhod asked
“This whole making Greg jealous thing,” Alex said. It wasn’t the first time he’d had the thought that they’d perhaps miscalculated with this plan, but Greg’s response in the studio today was the biggest red flag yet.
Making Greg jealous was one thing. Actually ruining their friendship was another.
For a moment, Rhod was silent, his expression unreadable. Then, in his usual gruff way, he asked, “Why?”
Alex frowned at him. “Because it’s not working?” he said, as if it was obvious.
Because if he’d had his doubts prior to this, the time he spent on-stage shovelling key lime pie into his mouth had certainly solidified it.
Yet Rhod looked at him like he’d lost his mind. “Mate, if you don’t think jealousy played a bit of a role in that—”
“I don’t know what that was,” Alex interrupted, a bit snippier than he’d intended. “That’s the problem.”
Rhod rocked back on his heels, a frown creasing his forehead. Then he shrugged as if entirely unconcerned by all of this. “If you want to call it off, fine.”
Alex breathed a sigh of something like relief. Not that he’d expected Rhod to put up a fight, necessarily, but he hadn’t been looking forward to explaining himself, to explaining that something felt like it’d been slipping away and he’d rather just be friends with Greg than not be anything at all. “I do, thank you—”
“Only we’ve got, what, three more instances of me getting your trousers down?”
Rhod said it casually and Alex winced at the memory. “Two, I think,” he said, as if that made it better.
Rhod nodded slowly. “That’ll make all the difference with the jealousy, I expect.”
It was a bad day whenever Rhod Gilbert had a point. There were four episodes left, and very little Alex could do about the pre-recorded tasks now. “Right,” he said, a little dully. “Never mind then, I suppose.”
Rhod glanced at him. “D’you want me to talk to Greg?” he offered.
Alex shook his head. “I think if anyone is going to talk to him, it should be me,” he said dismissively, carefully not mentioning the fact that he had absolutely no intention of doing so.
Judging by the look Rhod gave him, he hadn’t needed to anyway. “Yeah, because that’s worked out so well for you over the past few years,” he said dryly. Alex pulled a face and Rhod sighed. “Look, we’ve just got to see it out,” he said bracingly. “Trust me, mate, Greg’s as jealous as I’ve ever seen him.”
And maybe Greg was. Alex trusted Rhod to know Greg well enough to at least be right about that.
But this wasn’t the kind of jealousy that Alex had wanted.
He’d wanted…
Well, honestly, he wasn’t sure what he’d wanted.
Part of him had thought he’d wanted something cinematic, if one considered bad rom-coms to be cinematic, at least, had thought he’d wanted for Greg’s jealousy to get the better of him so that as soon as a break was called on an episode, Greg would grab him by the arm and drag him off somewhere to snog him senseless.
The smaller part of him more grounded in reality had half-hoped for no reaction at all, so that maybe he could actually just get over these feelings in peace.
But no matter what he might have wanted, Alex knew it certainly wasn’t this.
Just like he knew he likely would've spent the entire next day of recording obsessing over the subject, were it not for Jessica Knappett so gracefully falling off the stage.
From that moment on, the only thing he was going to be obsessing over for the rest of the day was how badly things could have gone.
Greg was nice enough to bring him a coffee during the break between recordings but Alex couldn’t even find it in himself to really appreciate it, not with everything else going on. Just like he wasn’t able to appreciate that the final two instances of Rhod getting him out of his trousers were in the next episode.
He was just ready for the day to be over.
But of course, Rhod had other ideas, intercepting him as he tried to make a hasty escape back to his dressing room. “Can we talk?” he asked, his voice low.
Alex sighed. “Now’s not quite a good time for it—”
“I’ll be quick, I promise,” Rhod told him. “I said I’d meet Greg anyway.”
Alex sighed again but nodded, and Rhod tugged him into his dressing room, closing the door after them. “What’s going on?” Alex asked cautiously.
Rhod crossed his arms in front of his chest. “I think you were right,” he said seriously, and Alex blinked at him.
“What about?”
“About ending this,” Rhod said. “Since I think Greg’s got the wrong end of it. Can’t do anything about the VT, of course, but we should stop the rest of it.”
Alex rubbed his forehead. “Did we do any of ‘the rest of it’ at all today anyway?” he asked tiredly.
Rhod raised both eyebrows. “Mate, I made you wheelbarrow walk me down the stage.”
“I genuinely don’t even remember that,” Alex said, huffing an attempt at a laugh. “Though if that’s what you’re considering something meant to make Greg jealous, that may explain some things.”
Rhod scowled. “Oh, I see. This is the thanks that I get, then, for everything I’ve been doing.”
Alex just gave him a look. “It’s been a long day, Rhod.”
“Fine,” Rhod said, still scowling, but he sounded surprisingly earnest when he asked, “Then can we talk tomorrow before the first recording?”
“Fine,” Alex said, echoing Rhod sarcastically. “Looking forward to it.”
“Greg finds cheek from you charming, not me,” Rhod called over his shoulder as he left, and Alex managed to refrain from rolling his eyes, but only just.
Thankfully, the next morning found him pulled in too many directions ahead of that day’s two recordings to have any conversations with Rhod. Even his customary meal with Greg before the recording was cut short.
Ordinarily, Greg would’ve given him grief, jokingly or otherwise, for not prioritising him, but he seemed in a surprisingly good mood, all things considered, so much so that for the first time all week, Alex managed to relax for five minutes.
So much so that when Greg grinned at him and chided him to actually chew his food like he’d done a dozen times before, Alex almost forgot about everything that week that had led them there.
Greg’s good mood carried into the recording, which made for a decent end to the series, all things considered. He was even generous with his scoring of Rhod, defending Rhod’s satsuma manoeuvre, among other things. Alex wasn’t sure what, if anything, had changed, but he wasn’t going to question it.
In fact, he felt tentatively hopeful that Greg might be in a good enough mood that Alex might finally be able to have the conversation he’d been putting off for far too long.
Naturally, that hope was dashed by Rhod cornering him after the finale.
“Need your help with something,” he said and Alex tried very hard not to groan.
“Rhod, now’s not really—”
But Rhod had already taken his arm, was already steering him down the corridor, and Alex figured he may as well just go along with it.
“Er, Rhod,” he said cautiously when they’d seemingly reached their destination, “this is Greg’s dressing room.”
“Observant, aren’t you,” Rhod muttered, opening the door and practically dragging Alex inside. “I got him a present for the end of the series and I need your help with it.”
“Right,” Alex said. “Only, er, if it’s to do with that horrible picture—”
Rhod flicked the lights on and instead of anything related to that picture of Greg, Alex was treated to the sight of several piles of cords and rope. Rhod gave him a sharp smile. “One last task, then,” he said, patting the back of the chair he’d pulled to the centre of the room. “Come on, have a sit, haven’t got all night.”
There was absolutely no reason on earth for Alex to sit down. He was executive producer and creator of the show, he’d already put himself through hell this week, and if he was a smart man, he’d tell Rhod to sod off and then go get changed for the wrap party.
Then again, if Alex was a smart man, he wouldn’t have found himself in this situation in the first place.
He sat.
“Tying me up again, is it?” he asked wearily.
Rhod’s grin widened. “Well, you know what they say,” he said, kneeling down to start working on tying Alex’s ankle up. “Third time’s the charm.”
Alex just sighed and tipped his head back, staring up at the ceiling. As the other saying went, even a broken clock was right twice a day. Maybe this was one of Rhod’s times.
He hoped so. For Greg’s sake as much as his.
Rhod poked his head out of Greg’s dressing room, making sure the corridor was clear. Then he slipped out, whistling cheerfully to himself as he shut the door after him.
He dug in his pocket for his mobile as he strolled casually down the corridor. He’s all yours, he texted, followed by, Also, you’re welcome.
Greg’s response was almost immediate. If you’re waiting on a thank you, mate, you’re going to be waiting a long fucking time.
Rhod just barked a laugh and shoved his phone back in his pocket as he headed toward the green room to join the rest of the cast, now that he had something worth celebrating.
Greg took a deep breath and squared his shoulders before opening his dressing room door, ducking automatically to step inside. “Erm,” Alex said from where he was tied to the chair, but Greg ignored him, stepping around him to toss his suit jacket on the sofa, followed soon after by his waistcoat.
Only then did he lean against the worktop and arch an eyebrow at Alex, taking his cuff links off and setting them down. “Well?” he prompted, when Alex just stared up at him.
“It was Rhod’s idea,” Alex blurted, and Greg hid a smile, nodding slowly as he rolled his shirtsleeves up.
“I sort of figured as much.”
Alex’s ears were red, the only outward sign that he was flustered. “He said he wanted to give you an end of series present and asked me to come here to help him with it.”
Greg’s lips twitched. “And then he beat you into submission and tied you to the chair, did he?”
Alex’s flush spread deliciously across his cheeks. “Not, er, not quite,” he muttered, squirming against the ropes. “And then he told me that I was his present to you and I sat down rather voluntarily while he tied me to the chair.”
“And why would you do that?” Greg asked, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
“Because– Ah.”
Alex shook his head, avoiding looking at him, and Greg prompted, “Ah?”
“He told you,” Alex mumbled, his flush darkening. “About our, er…”
“Nefarious plot to make me jealous?” Greg provided.
Alex’s eyes flickered to his and away again. “Not sure nefarious is the word I’d use,” he muttered. “Or plot, for that matter.”
Ordinarily, Greg wasn’t inclined to indulge Alex when it came to pedantry. But he needed to buy himself some time, if only to stop himself from grinning like an idiot. Not that he hadn’t believed Rhod about their little plot, but hearing it from Alex had finally lifted something in his chest that had been weighing him down all week. “And what words would you use?”
Alex pulled a face as he thought about it. “Well-intended scheme?”
“Hm,” Greg hummed mildly. “Well, we’ll see about that.” He straightened and took a step toward Alex, whose throat bobbed as he swallowed. “Of course, I’m not sure quibbling over the verbiage is doing much to answer my original question.”
“Which was?”
Greg cocked his head. “Why you would voluntarily sit down and let Rhod tie you to a chair.”
Alex wet his lips. “Because I wanted to.”
“Put that together when you said ‘voluntarily’, mate,” Greg said, taking another step closer. “But it also doesn’t answer the question of why you wanted to in the first place.”
Alex swallowed again, his flush now spreading all the way down his neck. “Because I—” He broke off, giving Greg a baleful look. “Are you really going to make me say it?”
Greg bent down to rest his hands lightly on the arms of the chair, not quite touching Alex. “I had to spend the last week, in addition to his usual torture, being subjected to my best mate flirting rather deliberately with you,” he said calmly. “I think I deserve to have a little bit of fun.”
Alex squirmed for a moment before sighing and tilting his head back to stare at the ceiling as he said, so quietly that Greg almost didn’t hear him, “Because I like you.”
“Sorry?” Greg said mildly, just to be an asshole.
Alex sighed and looked at him. “Because I like you,” he repeated sourly. “Happy?”
Greg grinned, “Just like I am whenever you get cross with me,” he said. He hesitated before asking, “But before we go any further, I do have to ask – what does Rachel think of all this?”
Alex screwed his face up in a way that told Greg were his hands free, he’d be scratching the side of his cheek like he did whenever he was truly uncomfortable. “The words, er, ‘fucking finally’ and ‘I told you so’ and ‘ages ago you thicko’ may have been used.”
Greg barked a laugh. “Smart woman.”
If anything, Alex looked even less amused than before. “Yes, yes, I’m quite fortunate in that regard all around,” he huffed. “Now will you kindly untie me?”
Greg moved his hands so that they were resting on Alex’s bound wrists, but he made no move to loosen the knots that Rhod had to practically be an expert at by now. “Oh, Alex,” he chided with a smirk, “why would I want to do a thing like that?”
“We, er, we need to get to the wrap party,” Alex managed somewhat breathlessly.
“And we will,” Greg said. “But don’t I get to enjoy my present first?”
Alex’s eyes met his. “Depends on what you mean by enjoy, I suppose.”
Greg leaned in and kissed him. It wasn’t exactly the first real kiss with Alex he’d been imagining for the better part of a year now – the angle wasn’t quite right, his back was beginning to ache from having to bend over so far, and the ropes under his hands were rough and prickly.
But then Alex’s mouth opened against his with a sigh, and none of that seemed to matter anymore.
“I like you, too,” Greg told him when they finally resurfaced for air.
Alex’s answering grin was blinding. “Well, good, or this could’ve been rather awkward.”
Greg laughed and stood upright, rolling his shoulders to stretch his back muscles. “D’you remember when I described one of Rhod’s task attempts as fairly structured torture?”
“It does ring a bell,” Alex said.
Greg gave him a look. “That’s been this past week for me,” he said, a little grimly. “Watching that bellend bend over backward to flirt with you at every given opportunity did things to my blood pressure that I don’t think my cardiologist is going to be pleased about.”
Alex winced. “I’m sorry.”
“Why are you sorry?” Greg asked. “I can only assume it was that idiot’s idea.”
Alex shrugged. “Yes, but I went along with it.”
Which Greg had known, of course, but again, it felt different to hear it from Alex directly. “I get why you did.”
“Do you?” Alex asked.
“Telling someone you have feelings for them is always a nightmare.”
Alex nodded slowly. “Is that why you waited so long?”
It was a fair question, though Greg hadn’t prepared an answer to it, other than the truth. “I waited so long because this isn’t the kind of thing you just blurt out and hope for the best,” he said after a moment. “Not when there’s so much at stake.” He shook his head. “I didn’t want to risk losing all of this.”
“All of this being…?”
Greg gestured vaguely between them. “This very strange friendship, and this very strange little show, and the most fun I get to have twice a year.”
Alex’s expression softened. “Ah,” he said. “I thought you might’ve meant me tied to your chair.”
Greg barked a laugh, grinning as he bent down to kiss Alex once more. “Now that you mention it, I’d rather not lose that, either.”
Alex laughed lightly, resting his forehead against Greg’s. “Thankfully I’m not going anywhere.”
“No, I imagine Rhod saw to that quite thoroughly,” Greg said sweetly, tugging lightly on the rope that Rhod had wrapped around Alex’s chest.
“Mm,” Alex hummed, significantly less amused than Greg. “I am starting to lose circulation in my hands, though, so perhaps if you’d like to get on with the untying—”
But Greg again made no move to untie him. “Can I just verify one other thing?”
Alex stopped squirming against the ropes to look up at him. “Anything,” he said without hesitation.
Greg looked pointedly down at the various ropes Rhod had used. “You saw how Rhod did his tasks.”
“Yes?”
Greg arched an eyebrow. “And you still trusted him to somehow pull this off?”
Alex gaped at him as if the thought hadn’t occurred to him. “I—”
Greg shrugged. “Just wanted to make sure I was dating an absolute idiot,” he said, not even trying to stop his slightly smug grin..
Alex huffed a dry laugh and shook his head. “Fairly certain I’ve proven that many times over the years.”
“Well, there is that,” Greg murmured fondly.
But Alex didn’t smile, worrying his lower lip between his teeth before asking, in a voice too strangled to be casual, “Also, dating? Is, er, that what we’re doing?”
Greg just shrugged. “You tell me, mate,” he said bracingly, if only to avoid telling Alex that he’d take whatever Alex was willing to give him. Which, while true, was a bit much even for him.
Alex tilted his head as if considering it. “I don’t mind it,” he said finally with a small smile.
A smile that Greg returned with something like relief. “Good,” he said firmly, before leaning in to kiss him once more. “Then it looks like something good came out of this after all.”
Alex hummed contentedly, and Greg was just about to suggest finally untying him so that they could do this properly when realisation hit him like a lorry. “Fucking– fuck.”
“What?” Alex asked, his brow furrowed.
Greg heaved a sigh that felt like it came from the very depths of his soul. “Rhod was right,” he said mournfully.
Alex blinked. “About?”
“I am going to owe him a thank you for this,” Greg said grimly.
“Ah.”
Greg gave him a pointed look. “At least I’m in good company.”
Alex frowned. “Oh?”
Greg tapped him lightly on the forehead. “You’re going to owe him one, too.”
Something like horror flashed across Alex’s expression. “Fucking hell.”
“Nightmare, I know,” Greg agreed.
Alex took a deep breath before looking back up at Greg, something determined in his expression. “How about neither of us think about Rhod Gilbert for the time being?”
A slow smile spread across Greg’s face. “Why, have something better to do?” he teased.
Alex smiled as well, his eyes dark as he tilted his head up toward Greg. “I do, actually.”
Greg’s grin widened as he bent down once more. “Go on, then,” he said, his voice low. “What did you have in mind?”