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I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised that it happened eventually. After over a century of involuntarily standing on the front line against the enemies of mankind, my luck was bound to run out.
The last thing I remember was seeing a heretic raise their lasrifle in my direction. Really, I should have ducked, tried to step behind cover, or something else to protect myself. But, Amberley was standing next to me. I was overcome by something. I don’t know if it was a momentary bout of insane bravado, chivalry, or merely a deeper fear of seeing her take the lasround than myself (combined with the knowledge that her displacer field had already activated recently).
Whatever the reason, instead of stepping away from danger, I stepped toward it. The shot took me slightly to the left of center mass in my chest. Right over my heart. It was a direct hit and so punched right through my flak vest. There was a brief flash of dull pain that was quickly consumed by the encroaching cold darkness. Some part of me registered the brief appearance of concerned blue eyes before there was nothing but darkness.
And then there was light. I was standing… No, not standing. Floating in an incomprehensibly large chamber clad in glowing gold. In the center was a light more intense than any star. So intense that it nearly blinded me. But the light did not hurt to look at. Instead, it gave me a soft feeling of warm comfort.
Dimly, I registered that I wasn’t the only one there. Streams of other people were appearing at the edge of the golden chamber and slowly floated toward the light. I followed them and, as I drew closer, I began to make out the appearance of a figure in the light. A massive humanoid form sitting on a resplendent throne. The souls that streamed towards Him seemed to merge with him and become a part of the light that emanated from the figure.
If I still had a throat, I would have gulped. Often, I had thought about how I would explain my life of cowardice to the Emperor when the time eventually came, and it seemed that now was the time. A part of me hoped that I would disappear into the crowd and simply sneak through to join His light with the rest of them. But I was not so lucky.
As I approached, His head turned to gaze directly at me and he raised a massive arm for me to settle onto his palm instead. I returned His gaze and found that, despite the brilliant light that emanated from him, I could still make out his features.
To my surprise, His face felt familiar. After a moment, I realized why. In his face, I recognized the features of Amberley, Colonel Kasteen, Major Broklaw, and even, to some extent, Jurgen. All people that I trusted and cared for. It struck me that it was likely that everyone would probably see familiar faces in His. I wasn’t seeing a personal connection, but rather a figure that represented all of Humanity. I wasn’t seeing my close companions reflected in Him, but I had been seeing Him reflected in the humans I was the closest to for my whole life.
I braced myself to speak. To justify my long life of mistakes. To apologize for the people who had been hurt by my fear and cowardice. To beg forgiveness for the ways I had failed. But He spoke before I could.
“MOOD KINDRED.”
The words did not come from his mouth, but seemed to reverberate from the light itself and echo through my soul. I was so overwhelmed by the intensity of the words that it took me a moment to process them. I didn’t understand.
“Mood kindred?” I asked.
“A PHRASE TO REFER TO THOSE WHO ARE OF A SIMILAR EMOTIONAL STATE.”
“How are we similar, your… Emperorness?”
“YOU ARE CONSUMED BY REGRET. A DEEP SELF-LOATHING THAT STEMS FROM THE FACT THAT NO ONE BUT YOURSELF HAS HELD YOU TO TASK FOR YOUR GREATEST FAILINGS. YOU EXPERIENCE IMPOSTER SYNDROME FROM THE FACT THAT YOU ARE HELD IN HIGH REGARD BY THE PUBLIC FOR YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS, BUT NO ONE SEEMS TO NOTICE ALL OF THE TIMES YOU HAVE FAILED AND FALLEN SHORT OF YOUR GOALS. ALL OF THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE BEEN HURT. ALL OF THE WAYS YOU HAVE PROVEN INADEQUATE. AT TIMES, YOU FEEL LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT.”
“Ye-yes,” I said with a shaky voice. “That’s true.”
“IT IS ALSO TRUE FOR ME. YOU AND I ARE FAR MORE ALIKE THAN YOU REALIZE.”
I blinked non-existent eyelids. “You…you also feel like a piece of shit?”
“YES.”
“If I may ask, what do you have to be ashamed about?”
“THE IMPERIUM.”
“The Imperium? I thought that one of your greatest accomplishments.”
“IT IS. IT IS ALSO ONE OF MY GREATEST FAILINGS. I DREAMT OF AN IMPERIUM THAT PEACEFULLY UNITED ALL OF HUMANITY. A UNITY SO STRONG THAT ALL XENOS COWERED IN FEAR AT HUMANITY’S MIGHT. A STRENGTH OF WILL SO STRONG THAT THE STRONGEST DEMONS OF CHAOS WERE BANISHED INTO THE DEEPEST PARTS OF THE WARP. A CIVILIZATION FREE FROM THE TAINT OF CORRUPT CHURCHES AND DEMAGOGUES.
INSTEAD, HUMANITY IS SPLIT BY STRIFE. CHAOS SEEPS ITS WAY INTO EVERY CORNER OF THE GALAXY. XENOS PICK APART UNDEFENDED WORLDS. ALL WHILE I SIT HERE, TRAPPED. UNABLE TO HEAL FROM WOUNDS INFLICTED BY MY OWN SON. YET, THE IMPERIUM STILL SINGS MY PRAISES AS A GOD.”
I didn’t know how to respond. The God-Emperor of Mankind, the greatest human to have ever lived and protector of countless billions, saw himself as not good enough.
“IT IS WHY I AM OVERJOYED WHEN I FIND SOULS LIKE YOURSELF. SOULS WHO DO MY WORK, NOT OUT OF OBLIGATION, BUT OUT OF A LOVE OF LIFE AND HUMANITY. A LOVE THAT I KNOW WILL BE USED WELL IF THAT SOUL IS MADE A LIVING SAINT.”
“Woah! Wait!” I held up non-existent hands in front of me. “You want me to be a Saint?”
“I DO.”
“I’d make a terrible Saint.”
“YOU WOULD NOT.”
“I’m a coward.”
“YOU SHOW HEROISM IN SPITE OF FEAR.”
“I’m a hedonist.”
“YOU ENJOY THE FINE ART OF HUMANITY WHEN THE OPPORTUNITY PRESENTS.”
“I call your worshipers ‘Emperor Botherers.’”
“THEY DO QUITE BOTHER ME.”
I fell silent. What else could I say? The Master of Mankind saw in me a kindred spirit and wanted me to return to the world to further his will.
“If I become your Saint, what would I need to do?”
“SIMPLY RETURN TO THE MATERIAL PLANE AND CONTINUE TO ACT AS YOU ALWAYS HAVE. JUST DO IT KNOWING YOU HAVE MY BLESSING AND A BIT OF MY POWER.”
He paused and, I swear, squirmed in His throne a bit.
“FROM A METAPHYSICAL STANDPOINT, IT IS, UNFORTUNATELY, NOT THAT UNLIKE HOW THE RUINOUS POWERS TURN THEIR SERVANTS INTO DEMON PRINCES. THEY FIND A FOLLOWER WHO IS CLOSELY ALIGNED WITH THEIR TRUE GOAL AND HAS PROVEN ACCOMPLISHMENTS. THEY THEN TAKE THE SOUL OF THAT FOLLOWER AND REFORGE THEM INTO A METAPHYSICAL BEING IMBUED WITH THEIR POWER.”
He paused and winced.
“I DO THE SAME THING. JUST, YOU KNOW, LESS EVILLY. I TRY TO ENHANCE THE BEST PARTS OF HUMANITY, RATHER THAN THE WORST.”
“So…” I started slowly. “Hypothetically speaking…If I had a past encounter with a Slaaneshi sorceress who turned into a demon that keeps trying to eat my soul, this would put us on even footing?”
“AGAIN, MOOD KINDRED. I HAD A BRIEF ENCOUNTER WITH SLAANESH WHEN SHE FIRST EMERGED AND SHE HAS LONG HELD A GRUDGE OVER HOW I TURNED HER AWAY. YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH EMELI IS REMARKABLY SIMILAR. I EXPECT SHE WILL STILL OCCASIONALLY MAKE A PLAY FOR YOUR SOUL AS SLAANESH DOES FOR MINE FROM TIME TO TIME. BUT, YOU WILL HAVE THE TOOLS TO FIGHT HER AWAY. JUST AS YOU DID AS A MORTAL MAN WHEN SHE WAS STILL A MORTAL WOMAN.”
“Jurgen helped,” I said pitifully.
“JURGEN DID HELP. I DON’T WANT TO DIMINISH HIS CONTRIBUTIONS TO YOUR LONG CAREER. BUT, AT THE MOMENT YOU REJECTED EMELI AND ENDED HER MORTAL LIFE, YOU DID NOT HAVE HIS AID. HE WAS DEALING WITH OTHER ISSUES AT THE TIME AND YOUR RESISTANCE TO HER SEDUCTIVE MAGIC WAS ALL YOUR OWN. THAT ABILITY TO RECOGNIZE CORRUPTION AND FIGHT AGAINST IT WILL SERVE YOU WELL IN THE DAYS TO COME.”
I nodded. “I think I understand,” I said. I took a deep breath, or at least as close as I could to one. This sounded like it was going to be another “Commissar on the General’s Staff” situation. On paper, very prestigious and certainly something that will get me invited to a number of fine dinners. But also the kind of role that will have me thrown into the most dangerous situations possible. A part of me just wanted to say no and accept a coward’s fate, but how could I reject the Emperor when he so clearly thought of even my worst features as being much like himself?
I straightened myself to attention and gave me a crisp salute. “Ready for deployment, sir!”
He did not respond and simply flung the hand I stood upon outwards. I flew across the chamber in an instant and through the golden walls surrounding us. There was a brief flash of darkness before the light returned.
Light that I now saw through my physical eyes once more. I glanced around as I took stock of the situation. Guardsmen looking at me in awe. Heretics looking at me in fear. And Amberley, who I now could see more completely than ever before as I looked directly into her soul, looking at me with both.
After a moment, I realized that the light I saw was not ambient light, but a glow emanating from me. My skin and clothing shone with a faint portion of the brilliant light I saw from the Emperor. Not only that, but my feet were not on the ground but instead hovered about two feet above the solid surface.
Not wanting to show how dumbfounded I was with the situation, I drew my chainsword, waved it through one of my favorite showy flourishes, and simply said, “The Emperor Protects!”
The heretics broke and ran as a cheer rose from the guardsmen around me. Lasrifles barked out shots as they cut down the fleeing enemy. Distantly, I could hear officers barking orders as they organized a counterattack.
I turned to Amberley, who still felt a mix of awe and fear, though she did not show it on her face. The fear was less now, but still there. I gave her a hesitant smile, and I saw the fear reduce a little bit more as she gave a hesitant smile of her own.