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The lights were too harsh as Claire opened her eyes and tried to figure out where she was. She had seen patients come out of anesthesia countless times, but she never would have imagined it would feel so bad. Her head was aching and she was nauseous. It took her a few minutes to remember why she was lying after all these years in a hospital bed in St. Bonaventure.
Claire was well aware of the fact that prevention was better than cure when it came to her health. After Neil almost died in an earthquake and it took him months to recover, she became even more conscious. She did a breast self-exam usually once a month and was taken aback, when she found a lump in one of them. She debated whether she should tell Neil about it or just go see a doctor alone and not to worry him, but there were no secrets between them and she knew she wouldn’t be able to keep it from him anyway. Finally, they decided to come back to San Jose to do all the necessary tests. In case something was wrong, he wanted her to be in the best hands possible.
They’d been together for 4 years and got married a year ago. Unfortunately, their co-workers at Bonaventure weren’t as supportive regarding their relationship as they’d hoped they’d be, so after Neil’s recovery they decided to move to the East Coast. They were incredibly happy together and planning on adding to their family. She was scared, but still holding out hope cancer wouldn’t get in the way.
Neil was sitting in the chair beside Claire’s bed, he hadn’t noticed yet that she was awake, so she took a moment to observe him. He always tried to hide his worry and stay strong for her, but now he looked weary and stressed. She thought about how much she loved him and wanted to protect him from having to watch her slowly fade away if she really was sick.
„Hey.” he said, when he caught her staring at him. His gaze was so soft whenever he looked at her and despite his concerns his smile was genuine. „How are you feeling?" he asked, brushing his lips against her forehead.
„Like crap.”
„Are you in any pain?"
„No, just tired.”
„Go back to sleep.”
„No.” she said shaking her head and sitting up in bed. „Did they tell you when the biopsy results would be in?”
„A couple of hours. I’ll wake you up, when we get them.”
Neil took her hand and just looked at her. She was his whole world and couldn’t imagine his life without her. He never would have imagined falling in love with her, but is was the best thing that ever happened to him, although their relationship didn’t have an easy start due to his injury and now it looked like it was his turn to take care of her. He was terrified.
„You’re gonna be okay Claire.” he said softly trying to calm her racing thoughts.
„You don’t know that for sure.”
„I do.”
She smiled at him. „Always so confident.”
They were lost in their own world, when they heard a knock on the door and then Audrey peeked in.
„May I come in?” They nodded. „I hope I’m not interrupting anything.” Neil wasn’t sure what to make out of the look on her face. „We’ve got the pathology report.” she remained silent.
„And?” Neil prompted, Claire’s hand still in his.
„The results are positive. The tissue samples contain abnormal cancerous cells indicating invasive ductal carcinoma. We need additional testing for staging, then we’ll develop your treatment plan. I’m so sorry.”
Claire did her best no to react. She couldn’t believe this was really happening.
„Redo the tests.” Neil said trying to maintain his composure.
„Neil.”
„It’s my wife we’re talking about.” he added angrily.
Audrey gave him a look. „I know. I’ll come back later to check on you.” They both watched her leave, then he went to sit on the edge of the bed.
„Neil…” Claire said looking at him, finally breaking down, unable to stop her tears from falling.
He immediately wrapped her in a tight hug and started to cry, when he heard her sobbing.
„I knew it.” she struggled to say.
He was at a loss, but tried to comfort her. He knew how horrible breast cancer was and he wanted to protect her from all of this. And the thought of losing her terrified him.
They stayed in each other’s embrace for long minutes swaying back and forth. Wiping at his eyes, Neil pulled away slightly, then gently caressed her face.
„We’re gonna get through this together.” She shook her head no. „Yes, we are.” he squeezed her hands. „We’re gonna grow really old surrounded by our children and grandchildren. And I’ll tell them every chance I get how terrible you were at bowling when we got together.”
She couldn’t help laughing. She remembered his teasing from years ago, when roles were reversed and he was the one in the hospital bed. Then her smile faded. Something had been bothering her since the moment the lump was found and she was afraid her fears would become reality.
Neil seemed to know she was thinking about something and jumping way ahead.
„What is it?” he asked softly.
She was unsure of whether to tell him or not.
„What if… what if I need a mastectomy?” she whispered. „How will I look without…” she couldn’t finish the question as she started to cry again and looked down almost ashamed. She was afraid of how it would impact her relationship with Neil. And she knew he deserved better than a woman without breasts.
„Claire…” his eyes filled with tears, his heart breaking for her. He placed his hand under her chin and made her look at him. „Please tell me your not worried about that.” She remained silent. „It won’t happen. But even if it happens you’re still gonna be the most beautiful woman in the entire world. I love you and nothing’s gonna change that.”
„But if it happens, I’ll fail our future kids too.”
„How?” he asked in disbelief.
„How will I breastfeed them? How will I provide for them?”
„Claire... You won't fail anyone. ” he pulled her into is arms again, kissing her temple. Moving slightly, he added: „We’ll figure it all out together. I’ll be here with you every step of the way.” he kissed her gently. „I love you.”
„I love you too.” she said shakily.
The rest of the night was a blur. They lay in bed together and Claire tried to focus on Neil beside her. She constantly thought about the upcoming months and the odds of her beating cancer. She knew she had to fight and she was relieved she wouldn’t do it on her own. Neil was there for her.