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Simon couldn’t really remember how they’d gotten into this conversation.
“Everyone had a cartoon crush growing up, Wille.”
“Correction,” Ayub said, sitting next to him on the fluffy couch, “Everyone had an anime crush growing up.”
It was a hot day in July, a few days before his birthday, and the first day of Ayub’s week-long stay at their apartment. The statement was, of course, predicated by the fact that he and Ayub had spent the majority of their childhood summers locked in either of their bedrooms binge watching any and all shōnen anime available to them.
Their summers had always been pretty uneventful; their parents usually had to work, and there was never much to do in Bjästard. Magical stories about young boys in fantastic worlds of magic and robots who held the fate of the world on their shoulders were the best escape. It was really only natural that they’d develop crushes on the 2d characters on their screen. If anyone asked, Ayub was in town for Simon’s birthday, but in reality this visit to Stockholm was, in many ways, an opportunity to recreate those childhood summer traditions.
The last few summers, Simon had run off with Wilhelm to various destinations. He hadn’t regretted it per se -- Wille had moved back to Stockholm and his mom had taken them to Gothenburg. They tried to visit each other during the year, but summers had been the only time they really, truly, were capable of being together.
Still, he’d missed Ayub too, missed how easy their friendship was, how it felt like home.
“Ok, then who was your anime crush ?” Wille asked, teasingly.
“Edward Elric”
“Who?” Wille asked, just as Ayub let out an incredulous “What?”
“Edward Elric, from Fullmetal Alchemist,” he said before turning to Ayub, “Why is that surprising?
His boyfriend made the unfortunate decision of saying, then: “I don’t know who that is.”
Simon figured as much since Wille hadn’t watched anime outside of a few Pokémon episodes as a child. Ayub, however, did not know that.
“What do you mean you don’t know FMA? Simme was like obsessed with it ” Ayub answered.
“Er..I don"t think I do?”
“Oh come on, surely you’ve heard of it, though. It’s the undisputed best anime ever made. You must have seen the memes though. You know the one with the guy crying saying “oh look it’s raining?”
At his silence, Ayub let out the most dramatic of sighs.
“And who was your crush in it?” Wille asked Simon, who found himself suddenly embarrassed by his earlier admission.
“Edward Elric, the main character,” he said sheepishly, as Wilhelm pulled out his phone to begin googling.
“Wait,” Ayub said suddenly looking pointedly between the two of them, “I get it now. He’s your type. Blonde, brown eyes, lanky, a bit of a temper.Will punch you if need be.”
“Me?” Wilhelm asked, not sure of what had just taken place,
“No, not you! Ed, Edward Elric. I am, however, connecting some dots there.”
“Oh come on,” Simon protested “ you’re so reaching,”
“Seriously?” Wilhelm said, interrupting “This guy?”
On screen, a 2D Edward Elric was smirking, his trademark red coat flowing from one of his hand, prosthetic automail arm was on full display.
“Yes, him! What are you talking about? He’s hot.”
“Dude, Ed isn"t hot,” said Ayub, “like the whole running joke is that he’s tiny as fuck.”
“Ok first of all, tiny guys can be hot. Also, he is, in fact, extremely hot. Especially after the Briggs arc.”
“So.... after his growth spurt, then? Come on, Simme.”
“Sorry, since when are you an authority on anime men being hot?”
“I’m just saying, if you wanted to simp over someone from FMA, Mustang is right there.”
“Mustang ? Wow, Apologize to Hawkeye for that one.”
Sensing that this fight could extend forever, Wilhelm decided to interrupt by asking an even more dangerous question: what the story was actually about.
Simon and Ayub tried to roughly explain the premise of the story: in a universe where alchemy existed, two young boys had lost their bodies while trying to revive their mother. With the help of an idealistic army colonel seeking to change things, they begin their quest to restore themselves, only to discover the dark underbelly of their militant nation.
“But it’s also so much more than that,” Simon said, enthusiastically, “It has a lot of characters, but they’re all so amazing and you manage to get involved in all their stories. It’s very goofy, but it also has a lot of commentary about justice, war, vengeance. It’s great.”
He and Ayub had been planning to watch some newer show, the latest buzz from last anime season. But at that moment, he saw a small glint in Wille’s eyes that indicated at least a level of interest he decided he would much rather do a rewatch of Fullmetal Alchemist. But in the end it was Ayub who brought it up, suggesting they start with the first few episodes, and then Wille could decide if he wanted to watch the rest of it.
Only that by the second episode, Simon wondered if they had made a huge mistake. It had been a while since he had rewatched it, probably not since the summer before Hillerska. It’d been long enough that he’d forgotten just how gut-wrenching the story could be, and how heartbreaking it was to watch young Edward bartering for his brother’s soul. Give him back, he’s my brother , Ed screamed, tears falling from his face, Take my arm, take my leg, take my heart!
Wilhelm cried-- he and Ayub cried too-- but his hand tightened around Simon’s hand with a bit too much strength and Simon felt his heart drop, just as Edward loudly screamed in Japanese: Give him back, he’s my only brother .
He’d almost paused it then and there, but before he could do much the show’s utterly bizarre intermissions came on, scaring Wilhelm, and making them all laugh for a brief second. Before they knew it, the scene had shifted, and by the time the episode ended, Wilhelm was the one that said he wanted to keep watching.
The next day, they began following Ayub’s perfectly calculated binge-watch schedule. Ayub, seemingly off the top of his head, knew perfectly well what plot points were in what episodes, and had accordingly organized them so they wouldn’t get stuck on a cliffhanger from one day to the next. Their goal was to watch it all before Simon’s upcoming birthday party, only four days later. However, it wasn’t long until Wilhelm began disrupting Ayub’s plans. He very quickly got hooked on the story, and kept asking them questions that could not be answered without spoiling stuff. This meant that turning down his requests to watch one more episode were proving difficult.
Simon, too, had messed with the schedule, insisting they sit through the entire Third Laboratory arc after they’d started the one before it. This was due to his boyfriend’s incorrect opinion regarding one colonel Roy Mustang. Was the story intentionally leading the audience to think he was horrible, only to then shock you with how clever and cunning he was? Absolutely, but he refused to humor Wille’s blasphemy and insisted they watch all of the next leg, when all the cards for Mustang and his team finally were on the table. Thankfully, this was also when Wille decided to stop referring to Hawkeye as ‘discount Malin’, an offence for which Simon had not yet forgiven him.
“I can’t believe you were watching this at eleven, ” Wille said late one night, “Like … didn’t so much of it go in over your heads? ”
It was late, and Ayub had already crashed in the sofa bed they’d laid out for him. He and Wille were attempting to clean up some of the mess they’d left behind. Still, he could see the wheels turning in his boyfriend’s head. They’d just watched the episode where Hawkeye explained to Ed what had happened in Ishival, and the very real parallels to real-life war and invasion became more and more clear.
The question had taken him by surprise a bit, because he wasn’t quite sure how to answer it. He remembered the summer he and Ayub watched the show very clearly. He remembers that they started the show, and that he loved it so much almost from the start. He remembers it was all he and Ayub could talk about it for days. But a lot of the clearest memories had nothing to do with the story itself.
He remembered how intense the sense of relief was every time he crossed the threshold of Ayub’s house, knowing Micke wouldn’t be there. Even though his own father was at home, very likely drunk or on his way there, he’d related a lot to Ed and Al"s relationship with Hohenheim. Sometimes he felt like Ed, who’d taken the abandonment and the pain and transformed it (transmutted it?) into anger. Other times, he felt more like Al, like he loved his father enough to forgive him.Towards the end of the show, he’d secretly been jealous. He liked that Hohenhiem had a big bad evil reason for why he left, wished that Micke could get one of those as well.
There were other, happier memories, too. How he and Ayub cried alongside Mustang at his best friend’s funeral. That had been sad and all, but then they’d made eye contact with each other, covered in snot and tears, and for reasons they still couldn’t quite understand, they burst out laughing at each other’s swollen faces. He remembers how they both genuinely screamed at the television during the last arc, when for many a moment it looked like the bad guys would win.
There were other things he remembered, little moments that began pushing him to self-awareness -- how he’d been happy that there was no fanservice so he didn’t have to pretend to like it in front of Ayub. How fucking cool he thought Ed’s prosthetic automail arm and leg looked, which was, of course, the only reason he liked seeing Ed without his shirt on.
Did he understand the story was filled with multiple parallels to real-life imperialism, genocide, and war? Did he understand, then, what the story argued about redemption and forgiveness?
He couldn’t really recall. He suspected he understood enough, but every time he rewatched a new element it clicked in his head.
“Honestly, I don’t really remember,” he said, going back to Wilhelm’s question, “Like I was never confused , but I wasn’t picking up on everything you are right now. But I think that’s why we kept rewatching it. Like every new time we were able to get more from it”
“That makes sense,” Wille said, “And I suppose it’s not too complicated to get it. I just..I don’t think I would have been interested in this as a kid.”
“I don’t think you would have been allowed to watch this, honestly.”
Wilhelm replied with a sarcastic chuckle.
“That’s kind of the point though," Simon added, "you’re not getting dragged into the complicated stuff from the go. Ed, Al, and Winry are meant to be like the connectors for the audience-- they’re kids too. And by the time you’re questioning if vengeance is ok, you’re already too invested.”
“Hmm, maybe,” Wille said, “I still think you were cleverer than me, though.”
Simon’s birthday arrived, and they had dutifully binged all of Brotherhood . They had sat through most of the last arc in one sitting, since Wilhlem had been effectively stressed about the outcome of his favorite characters.
Just like his first time watching it with Ayub, there was a lot of screaming at the television happening, only this time it was Wilhelm. This was one bit that he’d forgotten-- the absolute tension of watching this show without knowing its ending was almost unbearable.
It had all been so intense that Simon had forgotten the conversation that led them here to begin with. On screen, Ed-- now looking all grown up-- was about to board another train and say goodbye to Winry. But before leaving, Ed seemed to finally reach a decision of some sort:
Equivalent exchange! Ed shouted. Simon was briefly distracted by an incoming message on his phone, but the much-repeated first rule of alchemy was so familiar to him he didn"t need the subtitles. Once he looked back at the screen though, he was finally willing to grant Ayub’s claim one point: Ed, blushing and tall and embarrassing, was awfully like Wille.
I’ll give you half my life, if you give me half of yours , Ed said, at last, and he heard Wille mumble something like ‘Is he really?’
Winry responded in kind, saying he’s an idiot, because that principle is nonsense.
Never mind half, I’ll give you all of it , before it’s her turn to go red.
“Oh my god, I can’t. They’re so awkward,” Wilhelm said. Simon was slightly delighted to see he was blushing slightly.
Felice later asked if they’d taken Ayub sightseeing, which of course then forced to explain that no actually, we were very busy binge watching a decade-old anime. Sara, who had shown disinterest on the show from the start, based alone on the fact that this was a thing her baby brother liked, immediately began rolling her eyes at them.
She protested that Simon had always been way too obsessed with the show.
“You should watch it though. I’m convinced this is the show that helped form all of Simon’s life philosophy,” Wilhelm said, half-jokingly.
“Wait, how come?” Ayub asked.
“Cause the whole story is about people getting a second chance, finding redemption, breaking patterns.”
“That’s not..like sure that’s one part of the story,” Ayub replied, “But there"s all this, structural things that are going on too. Like Mustang was very much brainwashed by his government to think he was doing the right thing and Ed was just a kid. Like they’re not… they’re not really seeking forgiveness like that. If anything, they’re breaking the cycles that got them there in the first place.”
“Yeah but for the story to make sense, we as the audience have to believe they deserve that second chance, that they’ve actually learned from their mistakes and that they’re genuine in their desire to change. .”
Ayub makes a gesture, something that says he hadn’t considered that perspective but knew it wasn’t untrue.
Simon didn’t really know what to say. Yes, he knew he held a possibly foolish belief in anyone’s ability to change, and his heart’s tendency to easily forgive. Had his 11-year-old self absorbed this all form the show, merging it with who he was and his vision of the world. Maybe? He couldn’t tell really. . .And perhaps, sensing how serious the conversation had turned, Wilhem decided to shift it. “Also, you definitely had a crush on the one character that is kind of like me…”
“THANK YOU!” Ayub said, and the conversation returned again to cartoon crushes . Ayub confessed his crush on an immortal girl from a mecha anime, while Felice and Sara bonded over their mutual admiration for Flynn Rider, and the conversation drifted away to different childhood crushes.
Later, in the darkness of their bedroom as they cuddled each other to sleep Simon brought it up again.
“Had you not really thought of it before?”
“Yeah, of course I had. But I guess I’d never considered if there was a connection there. Like did watching this anime affect my worldview?”
“I was joking about that.I think it’s probably the other way around. You probably liked it because what it was talking about felt true to you.”
“You think so?”
“Of course,” Wilhelm said, putting some distance between them so he could place his fingers on Simon’s collarbone. “I kept trying to imagine what you thought about it then. Why you liked it, what you understood. Even if you hadn’t understood the more brainy bits, maybe you connected with the overall idea.”
“I honestly can’t remember. But…I kinda like your idea, honestly. I’ll take it,”he said, pressing a kiss to Wilhelm’s collarbone.
“Besides you remember the important stuff. Like the fact that you had the hots for Ed.”
“Shut the fuck up”, he said, playfully pushing him away.
“Should I grow out my hair? I can bleach it if you want..”
“Nope.”
“I get it though, by the last bit of it he does look quite hot.”
“You’re so mean, I wish I would have never told you.”
“But then I would have never watched it! Also I never would have known what your romantic standards were for proposals”
“Wille, I swear to God. If you propose to me with some bullshit like that I will actually say no.”
“And here I was taking notes,” he said, “You don’t want half my life then?”
Simon knew he was joking, of course. That it was a line from an anime and that alchemy wasn’t real, and neither was the principle of equivalent exchange. But still, he replied:
“Nah, I’m with Winry. It should be all your life, not half.”
“Ok, then,” Wille replied. In a way it was almost nonchalant yet tender, “All my life for all of yours.”
It was stupid, really, how that drew shivers down his spine. So he said it too, hoping it would draw shivers down Wilhelm"s, before pushing him down for a kiss.