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Fucking Saga Anderson is habit-forming. More so than any liquor or drug Casey has ever tried. He thinks he’ll never tire of watching her unravel beneath him – or on top of him, as it happens. He should have stopped the affair before it began, but now that it has, Casey won’t – can’t – be the one to end it.
She had caught him when he was weak, as he is too often these days. Bright Falls stripped away every wall, every layer of self-preservation he’d built up, since the cult case in New York, since his divorce; it’s all gone, leaving him raw, vulnerable. And somehow Saga took advantage. Not that he blames her – Bright Falls had laid her bare and desperate, too. He could ask her why – why him, why now – but Bright Falls is as good an explanation as any.
It’s not like it’s just about the sex. He supposes it would be easier if it was. But Saga is gentle, tender, and loving. Not words Casey would use to describe his past relationships. He might even say Saga’s good for him, if everything else about the situation wasn’t fucked.
She’s never once stayed the night with him. It would be next to impossible with her family at home. He doesn’t mind – or so he tells himself. He knew what he was getting into when this started. But every time she gets out of the bed they too-briefly shared and he watches her get dressed, it’s another blow to his cold, carefully-preserved heart that he fears will eventually shatter it.
One of these days he’s going to fall to his knees and beg and plead with her not to go, to stay with him. Lately he’s tried to be the first out the door after their trysts, because he can’t imagine what she’d do if he did let himself fall apart. Maybe she’d end it with him forever. Maybe she’d choose him after all and leave David for good. Both options terrify him. He needs her too badly to let her go, but oh, God, doesn’t Saga deserve better than him? A lonely, middle-aged divorcee barely staving off an alcohol addiction?
The idea that he’s staving it off is wishful thinking. He really ought to quit cold turkey. But surely the amount of caffeine he’d rely on to manage that would stop his heart anyway.
Once upon a time, he’d had his drinking under control – improving, even. But, again, that was before Bright Falls, when he’d been ripped open and left that way, like a frayed wire.
Casey’s no stranger to injuries in his line of work. Saga’s always been one to make a fuss about it, despite his imploring her not to. This time, with his wounds far less tangible, he needs her. When he’s alone, the fear creeps in – fear of what else might steal into his mind when his guard is down. When he’s with Saga, it’s only Saga. Her soft skin under his fingers, her soft sighs in his ear.
She, miraculously, makes Casey feel safe. Steadies his ragged nerves. She makes him feel needed, too – not only needed, but wanted.
Any pleasure he gains from that feeling is short-lived, constantly at war with self-flagellation, the thoughts that come to him over a bottle of whiskey that he is so unrepentant and selfish that he can’t keep his hands off his partner. His partner, who is so many years his junior, and has been, as long as he’s known her, happily married. He knows what the dissolution of a marriage looks like, and it turns his stomach to think he’s wishing it on Saga – aiding and abetting it, even.
Self-doubt, guilt, and shame are not emotions he’s seen Saga struggle with often – if ever. It’s a foreign concept to Casey, intimately familiar with all three, that Saga can navigate the world so confidently. It gives him no joy to see her take on those demons now. A better, stronger man than Casey would end it and spare her that pain. But he’s afraid it’s too late – even if he could, even if he wanted to, he’s tied himself so tightly to her any efforts to extricate himself would cause lasting damage to both of them. He’s barbed wire cutting into her life.
Yet somehow, every day he comes to work and she greets him with a sweet smile and a bad joke. There aren’t many people in the world who light up when Alex Casey walks into a room. Like his presence makes things better.
They haven’t been sent on a case in the field since Bright Falls. Casey thinks their supervisor is being overly cautious – no one understands what happened in Bright Falls, so it’s easier to keep them on desk duty. Casey’s getting bored, and he knows Saga is restless. A few days on the road with her would be nice. A few days in a hotel, if he dares to dream. The idea of waking up next to her – now that would be habit-forming. In this case, he might be willing to risk the addiction taking hold.