Chapter Text
Buck stared forward, unable to get the vision of Devon falling out of his mind. Again and again, he reached his hand out, shoulder aching as he did so, fingers reaching to snag his grip on the other man. Again and again, Devon let go, plummeting to his death feet below. He remembers his knees shaking, the feeling of being so far above the ground that sent his heart pitter pattering faster than normal. He hoped he’d never get used to it.
Give me your hand. Buck had told Devon, back straining as he reached forward for the other man, futilely watching in horror as he let go, telling Buck, I can’t, before letting himself fall.
He covered his ears, trying to block out the sound of Devon hitting the ground over and over again. It was like he was forever harnessed in over the rollercoaster, cursed to relive every excruciating moment every time he closed his eyes.
For some reason he’d thought Devon would make more sound while falling than when striking the ground. Yet all he could remember was the blank look on the other man’s face followed by the dull thud that haunted Buck’s every waking moment.
He clutched his phone in his hand, scrolling through his contacts. Who could he call? Bobby was battling his own demons. Hen had a family. Chimney had a date with Tatiana. His finger hovered over the new contact. He and Tommy had exchanged texts a few days that week. Buck had promised the other man a beer after all.
Buck hadn’t even realized he called the other man until he heard a voice rough with sleep on the other end.
“‘van?” Tommy asked through a yawn, “You okay?”
“Did I wake you?” Evan asked, sniffling into the receiver.
“A little bit.” Tommy hummed, “I have to be up for a shift in two hours anyway so no worries.”
“I’m sorry.” Buck whispered, voice cracking as he did so.
“Woah, what’s going on?” Tommy asked, sounding more awake. Buck heard rustling from the other end of the line as it sounded like Tommy got out of bed.
“Bad call.” Buck told him, worrying his lower lip with teeth to try to hide the tears that began to fall down his face.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tommy asked.
“I want to stop reliving it.” Evan bit out, choking back a sob.
“Are you at the firehouse?” Tommy asked.
“No, I’m at some park by my apartment. Being inside was driving me crazy and I didn’t want to wake up my roommates.” Buck told him, waving as a jogger passed him.
“What park?” Tommy asked, sounding like he was fiddling on his phone as Buck answered, “Okay, I can be there in 20 minutes, just sit tight.”
“What?” Buck gasped, looking down at his phone as the call disconnected. He put his head in his hands, staring resolutely at his feet as his vision blurred with his tears. They ran hot down his face, burning as they fell.
He lost time as he stared at the ground, the word dull colors as he stared downwards. He was afraid if he looked up he’d feel the sensation of falling, joining Devon in his plummet.
Soon enough, the sound of soft footfalls startled him out of his thoughts. He felt Tommy sit next to him on the bench, felt the heavy press of the other’s arm around him as he cried.
After a few minutes he felt himself go limp, sagging against Tommy’s body in exhaustion. He hadn’t been able to sleep since the call, hadn’t been able to eat, hadn’t been able to do much more than breathe and regret every inhale.
“Can I take you home?” Tommy asked after a few more moments of silence.
“Don’t want to go back to the house.” Buck told him, frowning as he felt Tommy shift him so he could pick him up in a bridal carry.
“My house.” Tommy clarified, carrying Buck to the parking lot where he had idled his truck. Tucking him in the passenger side, he buckled him in, stripping off his hoodie to cover the younger male in. Buck snuggled into it, grip tightening as he saw Tommy watching him.
“Okay.” Buck told him when he saw Tommy staring at him from the driver’s side, “Take me to your house.”
The drive was either shorter than Buck realized or he lost time again, because before he realized it, they were pulling into the driveway of a modest Spanish style rancher. Tommy rounded the side, opening the passenger door before Buck could do much more than grasp at the handle, unbuckling him and helping him slide to the ground.
Tommy directed him to an overstuffed couch in his living room, sitting him in the crook of it and bundling him in a blanket, a small, one eyed dog laying on his lap.
“Delilah will keep you company.” Tommy promised, pausing to ruffle the dog’s fur and then Buck’s hair before retreating further into the house.
“Hi, Delilah.” Buck told the small dog, scratching behind a black and gray ear.
Tommy returned a few minutes later with two steaming cups, placing one on a coaster on the coffee table, keeping hold of the other as he sat in the armchair across from the couch.
“I hope you like tea.” He told Buck, gesturing to the table, “Its a blend of chamomile and mint.”
“Do those flavors go together?” Buck asked.
“I hope so.” Tommy shrugged, taking a sip out of his own cup. He didn’t seem repulsed by the concoction so Buck reached a hand out to his mug, taking a delicate sniff before chancing his own sip.
“Not bad.” Buck told him as he let the warmth of the mug lull him into a calm.
“I’m sure you’re not just here for my tea making skills.” Tommy said, catching Buck’s gaze, “Evan, what happened tonight?”
“I-I,” Buck tried to stutter through the sobs building in his chest, “I couldn’t save him.”
“Save who?” Tommy asked, laying a concerned hand on Buck’s knee, rubbing soothing circles with his thumb.
“Devon.” Buck pitched forward, letting Tommy gather him in muscled arms, the older man squeezing. “He just… He let go, Tommy. I was right there. All he had to do was reach for my hand.”
Tommy frowned, grip tightening around Buck’s waist, “I’m sorry, Evan.”
“I’ve never lost anyone before.” Buck cried, shoulder shuddering, “I want it to stop feeling like this.”
Tommy rubbed large hands up the knobs of Buck’s spine, letting the other sniffle into the side of his neck, “I’m sorry, Evan, I wish I could help-”
He was cut off by Buck pulling back, crashing their lips together, the other bullying Tommy’s mouth open with his tongue.
Tommy pushed him away gently, stiling him with a hand on his shoulder, “Evan, we can’t.”
“Why not?” Buck whined, looking up at him with wet eyes, pupils blown, the blue just a ring around black.
“I’m not going to take advantage of you while you’re in a vulnerable state.” Tommy told him, stilling the other’s move to get up with a firm hand, “When I have you, it’ll be because you’re happy, not sad.”