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James noticed that Aiden had been really quiet all day. He barely even left his room. That was quite weird to James because, after lunch, they usually go to his room and lie on his bed cuddling, talking, or being on their phone. So James got up from his bed and went to Aiden’s room to check on him. First, he knocked on the door:
- Come in - said Aiden in a sorrowful voice, just lying on his bed. Doing nothing.
- Hey Aiden, is everything okay?
But Aiden just made a “mmh” voice and didn’t give a proper answer. This made his caring boyfriend a bit concerned, so he slowly crouched to his bed.
- Sweetheart, talk to me! Are you okay?
- Mmm, no, it’s just… I don’t have a mood to do anything right now.
- Why, Do you feel sick? Or it is the time of the month already?
- No! Just… Ugh, I just want to lay on my bed and do nothing. I *sniff* don’t want to… My mind is just full of uncomfortable thoughts.
- Don’t worry Aiden, it’s okay - said James, putting his palm on Aiden’s cheek and just gently started to stroke with his thumb - whatever is bothering you, I’m here. Do you want me to stay here, or do you want to move to my bed so we can cuddle?
- It’s all sweet and gentle from you babe, but I just want to clear my mind at the moment and forget about *sniff* certain stuff.
James was able to tell from Aiden’s face and cracking voice that he was about to cry. He was so worried, he didn’t want him to stay sad or cry, so he was thinking about solutions of how to make Aiden forget about his sadness. He just wanted to see him happy as usual.
- Why don’t you go and take a shower? That always helps me forget about my current problem, and after it, I always feel so much better.
- Hmm, maybe I could indeed use a nice shower. Maybe it will help me forget about some… stuff.
- There you go! - said James and grabbed his boyfriend’s hand to help him get out of bed. Then he gave a quick kiss on his cheek.
- I just want the best for you baby, you know. It makes me so sad seeing you sad.
- I know and I’m glad you’re trying to help me whenever I need it - replied Aiden while trying to smile.
He put on his slippers and went to the bathroom. There he started to prepare for the shower, by checking if his towel and his shower gels were there. Then he started taking off all his clothes.
When he went past the mirror and looked at it, that’s when all of his angst came back again.
He was just looking at his body… More like staring at it. This made him to become sad and uncomfortable again because at that moment he didn’t like what he saw. Sadly, everything that bothered him all day, all of those negative thoughts came back. He couldn’t keep it in anymore and sadly started to sob pretty loudly.
He sobbed so loudly that even James heard it from the living room. Of course that immediately made him worried so he rushed to the bedroom and knocked on the door.
- Aiden! Are you okay?
But he didn’t answer. Just continued sobbing loudly.
Even thou he said nothing, James still opened the bathroom door and peeked in:
- Hey, is everything… Ooh, shoot! - said James when he saw that Aiden was naked and covered his eyes - sorry, I didn’t see anything! - then he went out and closed the door.
He started to blush a little, but he didn’t expect Aiden to just straight up stare in front of the mirror without his clothes on while sobbing. But thinking about it, it was quite unusual for him to do that. This of course made him worried, so he knocked on the door again, trying to get in again.
- Baby, is it okay if I come in?
- *Sniff* Yes - replied his boyfriend still in a cracking voice, now sitting on a chair.
So James slowly opened the door and once again peeked inside. The way Aiden was just sadly sitting on that chair, still sobbing, made him concerned again, so he slowly walked to him and put his hand on top of Aiden’s. He couldn’t decide if he should look away or look at him because he had no idea if Aiden was comfortable being seen right now.
Aiden then looked at James knowing he was confused about where to look, so he broke that long silence and said:
- It’s okay, you can look. Also, you have seen me naked already, so I don’t mind.
- Okay then, it’s just. I was afraid that I was invading your privacy or something.
- Don’t worry, I’m not shy around you anymore, so it’s fine.
James then looked at him and smiled a bit. But seeing that he still had that sad expression and was still sobbing, he had to ask him again:
- Is everything indeed okay baby? You had been this sad all day. What is it that bothers you this badly?
But Aiden still didn’t say anything.
- Please, talk to me, my love. I swear whatever it is I’ll try my very best to understand it and help you…
Hearing that sentence, Aiden just broke out crying. He put his hands on his face and just cried.
This just made James concerned even more, he didn’t know what to do, so he crouched down again, and just started hugging him gently. After a few seconds, Aiden broke the silence with one short sentence:
- I don’t like it…
James hearing this raised his head and replied:
- Don’t like what?
Aiden also raised his head and looked at him:
- My body.
This sentence genuinely shocked James who stood up and said:
- Huh? But why?
Aiden also stood up from the chair and continued crying:
- Just look at me! My body clearly doesn’t look like a real man’s!
- What? But you had been so confident about…
- Being confident is not that easy, okay? I may look happy, but on the inside, I have always been very unsatisfied with the way I look! Transitioning can be an absolute pain! Have you seen how fine your friends look with all of those attractive muscles and handsome faces? I’ll never look like them no matter how hard I try!
- But you don’t have to look like them! Every man is unique in their way! I see absolutely nothing wrong with you.
- It’s easy for you to say! I have been struggling all my life to feel like I belong among men! But it’s obvious that I don’t!
- No, baby, that’s not true! At that beach party yesterday, all of my friends were so supportive of you! I saw that you had fun, and you felt really manly. You even took your shirt off!
- I know, but still. I may have been pretty confident thanks to all of your support, but looking back at it, I was so out of line.
- I know you were the only one with scars on his chest, but that…
- IT’S NOT JUST ABOUT MY TOPSCARS, Okay? *sniff* - raised Aiden his voice while still sobbing - It’s about my… everything! I was the shortest, skinniest, and flattest of all among your friends, and I guess the whole party as well! Also, look at me, I’m short, I have no facial hair, my legs are too wide, and my face still doesn’t look masc enough! Unlike your friends who looked perfect and manly!
James couldn’t decide what to say. This is the first time seeing Aiden having this heavy type of dysphoria. But he was still there for him no matter what.
- I’m sorry, that I raised my voice I just… Gender and body dysmorphia fuckings suck! Even though I started using testosterone gel when I was 18 and had my top surgery last year, I’m still not satisfied with the way I look!
- Oh Aiden, baby, I’m so sorry to hear that! Is there a way that I could help even more?
- Don’t get me wrong James. I’ll forever be thankful that you’re supporting me and making sure that I’m valid, but there are things that I don’t think even you can help. But, you see, I have been struggling with dysphoria all my life. Those weird feelings haunted me since I was very young, I just didn’t know a lot of things, that there was something wrong with me. That I was born in the wrong body. When I first learned the concept of being transgender, everything clicked. Also, things got really bad once I hit puberty. My tween and teenage years were one of the most uncomfortable and worst experiences in my life. Also, things didn’t help that I was closeted all through high school. Only my parents and some online friends knew and that’s it. And when the school sometimes had those “educational programs” about the male and the female body… Ugh, being forced to attend those programs made my gender dysphoria ten times worse!
James hearing that, went closer to Aiden, to give him a hug.
- I hated the “womanhood pep talks” from the teachers. I hated how my body started to develop feminine features, I hated wearing a bra I hated being referred with she pronouns, I hated when people called me my dead name, I hated dressing for PE, I hated being called a “tomboy” when I started to dress masculine. You had no idea how much I suffered and how hard it was to be closeted just to avoid transphobia. I was so scared and felt very lonely, thinking I didn’t belong there. If I had only been born a cis man, I could have avoided these struggles!
This long venting just made Aiden cry even harder. James made sure he didn’t let Aiden go and tried to continue comforting him:
- I’m sorry that you had to be through all that my love. I can understand how difficult it was for you to be closeted that long. I’m sorry that you felt like you didn’t belong there. But at least now, that you’re not in high school anymore, things changed, right?
- Yeah. After I graduated I was able to get testosterone gel from my doctor, was able to get top surgery, to change my legal name and gender on my ID. These were also hard cuz they took a long time to accomplish all that, but at least now I look pretty passable and people didn’t even know I was trans until… That one challenge in season 2.
- That was honestly pretty screwed up from Kristal! But as I see, you don’t mind being open, do you?
- Well, now that I told it on national television, I think it’s fine because I fortunately see that many fans are supportive and respect me. I’m grateful for that. Also, I’m so grateful that, you still stayed at my side and didn’t change your mind about me, no matter what.
This made James smile.
- I'm glad to hear this baby. Don’t forget, no matter how your body looks like you will always be a real and handsome man to me - said James and gave a kiss on his cheek
- Haha, I’m so lucky that I have you sweetheart! - replied Aiden
- But now that you are on testosterone, your body is changing to appear more masculine. Am I right? - asked curiously James
- Yeah, that’s true, but it takes years to see massive changes, and sadly no matter what testosterone won’t magically make me grow a penis. Well… not that kind of penis.
- Huh? - this sentence kind of confused James.
- You see, after taking testosterone for a long time, the clitoris could grow creating a dick-like umm… Look. Some trans men count it as a “side effect” while others are cool with it. I don’t know personally how I would feel about it. They like to call it T-dick.
- And umm… Could trans men, pee with it?
- Haha, no - this honestly made Aiden laugh a bit - the truth is, I have always dreamed about having a working penis. Whenever I needed to sit down on the toilet or crouched outside to pee, I was always thinking “If I only had a dick, I could stand while peeing. Like the guys!” I tried to find solutions to that. Some trans men figured out ways where they can stand while peeing, but that’s complicated. Others use auxiliary devices like an STP.
- What’s an… STP? - Asked James
- It stands for stand-to-pee. It’s a realistic plastic dick that is empty inside so trans men could pee while standing and it also can be carried inside your boxer. A lot of transmascs, who have bottom or peeing dysphoria use it. I have always dreamed of owning it, but sadly they only can be bought online and are super expensive.
This made James have an idea, but he doesn’t want to reveal it to him, yet.
- I would do anything to own something like it, because one, packing my boxers with socks looks weird, two, I heard it works well with practice and 3, there is absolutely no way I’m getting bottom surgery.
- Another surgery? What kind of umm “bottom surgery”? What would it do?
- There is a type of bottom surgery called phalloplasty surgery, where the doctors can create a dick around the bladder opening using skin from your legs or arms. But I did research on this type of surgery, and based on the things I’ve seen, I don’t think I want it. It sounds so much more painful and scarier than a top surgery. I was already so scared of top surgery and I don’t want to go back to the hospital again! Also, the scar which leaves on your limb. I can’t imagine that on me! You see how uncomfortable I was revealing my top scars imagine how uncomfortable I would have been if I also had scars on my arm! And that would not be easy to hide.
- It’s okay Aiden, if you are uncomfortable with having that surgery, then you don’t have to get it. You don’t need that surgery just to be more manly!
- I know, and the thing is that most trans men don’t have that surgery, so it’s fine I guess.
- Don’t worry Aiden, it’s okay if you want some changes on your body, but don’t forget, you’re perfect the way you are, honey!
Said James and hugged him again, but this time they shared a sweet kiss as well.
- I’m so, so grateful that you are in my life babe! You mean the whole world to me! I love you so much!
- I love you too sweetheart! Tell me, what should we do, or how could I help you to feel more euphoria? - Asked James
- Hmmm…
- Are you comfortable with us having sex the way we do? - said James
- Yeah I am. Don’t worry, vaginal and oral sex doesn’t bother me. Also, you can keep continue playing with my vagina. It feels really good actually. But what if we try anal next time? I mean, that’s what gay men do right?
- Right! Noted! Anything else, umm… something related to your period?
- Naah, it’s fine! I’m not that dysphoric about my period tho. And if I continue taking t for many years, it could stop eventually.
- So, just the usual right?
- Right, I love it when you comfort me during that… period, haha! You can keep bringing the heating pad and meds we can continue cuddling on your bed, but keep avoiding buying pads with very girly decorations on okay? - laughed Aiden.
- Haha, okay, no problem!
The fact that James cares about Aiden this much and that he is willing to help him to feel more good about himself makes Aiden really happy.
- You mentioned your look. Should we go start hitting the gym to help you gain big manly muscles? The one that me and my friends have?
- Haha, I don’t know. Gyms seem scary.
- Don’t worry, they actually aren’t. The one I used to go to is chill and friendly. Everybody is minding their own business. If you're up to it, I’ll be your personal coach!
- Haha, that sounds actually pretty cool. Yeah, we could go sometimes. It would be quite useful to finally gain some muscles.
- That’s the spirit! Let’s see what's left, Oh yeah! That STP thing you mentioned. I could buy you one.
- *gasp* REALLY? - this pumped up Aiden’s mood.
- Of course, how much does that cost anyway? - Asked James
- The cheapest one I found was 80$
- That’s not a problem for me, I could buy you an even more expensive one than that.
Aiden couldn’t be more happy hearing that.
- OMG THANK YOU SO MUCH BABE YOU ARE REALLY THE BEST! - said Aiden and hugged him.
- Haha, anything for you, sugar!
- Can we order it right now?
- Of course, but first, it would be better for you to finally take a shower - said James, and grabbed his boyfriend’s towel and gave it to him, and then, said this in a teasing and smug tone - you stink!
- Hey, umm… you also stink! You would really benefit from a shower as well!
- Oh, you want me to join you in the shower huh? - replied James and gave Aiden an even more smug look, which made Aiden blush really hard.
- I umm… Well… Umm… - stuttered he - Just… Just get out and let me start it okay!
- Hahaha, okay whatever you want baby - said James in a humorous voice and went to the door. But before he left Aiden called his name:
- James?
- Hm?
- Thank you so much! I love you!
James looked back at him with a lovable smile and said:
- You're welcome, I love you too!
Then he closed the door and left.
—bonus—
one week later:
- BABE! COME HERE! - Shouted James
- What is it?
- Guess what came from the post today!
Aiden immediately got the hint.
- No way! HAS IT FINALLY ARRIVED? - shouted him with a very excited tone.
- Heck hey, has it!
- Holy shit! FINALLY!
Aiden was so excited, he couldn’t believe that the day had finally come, he now finally owns the thing he had been dreaming about for years. When James gave him a pair of scissors to open the packet, he started to cut the box like crazy. He finally grabbed it and took it out of the packing. He was so happy, that he was about to happy cry.
- I can’t believe I’m finally owning an STP! This is legit a dream coming true! And it also matches my skin tone! Aaaaaa this is so exciting! I want to try it now!
- Hey wait! Shouldn't we first quickly wash it before you use it? Just for hygiene reasons. - suggested James.
- It makes sense I guess.
- I swear it will be quick, and you can use it right after!
- Okay!
*After the quick wash*
- Finally! - said Aiden
- Umm, is there any specific tutorial on how to use it?
- I heard it is suggested to be used in the shower first, to see if it’s not leaking.
- Okay then, I don’t mind if you use the shower! If others suggest.
Aiden excitedly rushed to the bathroom to try his new STP out. After 3 minutes passed by, he came out and said:
- IT’S WORKING!
- For real?
- YES IT IS! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! It didn't leak at all! At first, it was odd peeing standing up, but after trying it felt SO GOOD!
- I'm glad to hear that babe!
- THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER INVENTED YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW HAPPY I AM!
- I do, honestly, you’re being so joyful right now, it actually makes me happy too! You can also carry it in your boxers, can’t you?
- That’s true. But as I put it in, it kinda feels weird walking around. It’s nice that it gives me a little bulge, but I guess I just have to get used to it, haha. Maybe I should watch tutorial videos about how to carry it in the most comfortable way possible.
- It’s so good to see you being confident again! On a 1/10 scale, how much euphoria do you feel right now?
- Easy 10/10! Even more!
- That’s really great!
- And that’s all thank you, you babe! - said him and hugged his boyfriend. I have no idea what to do without you! Thank you so much for buying this! And for everything!
- You’re very welcome my love!
Then they both looked at each other with a loving smile and shared once again a long, sweet kiss.