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The Apex Horus, whom Nemesis had chosen and perfected, spread its tentacles as if trying to bring as much destruction to the tortured earth as possible. He did it.
Kotallo clenched his jaw, looking down. So many deaths for the sake of life.... They had already defeated the Horus together, on the Burning Shores, but this machine was different; it seemed that there were no vulnerable points on it: focus beeped thoughtfully, signaling this.
Finally, they landed at the blunt-nosed muzzle of the Great Metal Devil.
Erend indicated with a circular gesture that he would fly around the perimeter. Kotallo was walking forward towards the vast mouth that was bringing down the Specters in an endless stream.
Fatigue rolled over with a wave of despair when he looked up, where Nemesis's anger had burned with a hellish flame before: now the torn interior bared its teeth and Kotallo widened his eyes with horror and faint hope.
“Erend!” he called to the Oseram as he climbed onto the ruined mouth of the machine. “I found her!”
He had never seen her in such a state: covered in oil, burns and blood. Practically naked and sprawled out, Aloy laid like a broken doll next to the enchanted core, holding the spear in a last desperate grip.
“Commander… My love…”
She had been his love for a long time, but for the first time these words burst out of him now, when his heart was pounding wildly and his blood was destroying him in an icy stream. He hadn't seen her chest rise, even in a short breath. With fear, Kotallo touched her face, brushing away the braids tangled with blue and white beads, trying to keep from trembling when he felt the coolness of her skin.
He felt for the pulse point and squeezed, trying to feel at least a faint blood beat…
Kotallo took his trembling hand away and pressed her limp body to him, feeling the moisture destroy the remnants of his paint on his face.
She's dead. She was dead. He couldn't protect her. He couldn't die for her, couldn't share his last moments with her.
She gave her life for them.
He never told her that he loved her.
Pain twisted his stomach, making him tremble and growl into the ashen air.
Aloy crumbled into bloody sparks in his hands, leaving only a devastating void.
***
“Aloy!” He sat up abruptly, screaming and gasping for air. “Where...?”
The chirping of insects and the crackling of campfires with the whispers of the settlement broke through the veil of his awareness. He snapped his fingers at his temple, turning on the faint focus light, still trying to calm the icy trembling and even out his breathing.
A faint velvet light illuminated his High Marshal's room, highlighting a grinning old mask in the shape of a Clawstrider's jaws lying on a low table next to brushes and cans of paint, and racks of weapons and armor.
He swallowed, sitting back and roughly stroking his face.
“A nightmare.. Just a nightmare...”
“Just a nightmare" was with him for six months. One of thousands of similar ones. He cringed, trying to remind himself that Aloy was safe and learning to live the life of an ordinary person.
They all.
He didn't know why this dream was bothering him. In reality, a year ago, he made it in time and picked up his Commander. There was barely a tiny drop of life in her. And this drop would have almost disappeared if Kotallo hadn't had time.
***
It's hard for him to admit it, but it all breaks him down from the inside. Dekka scolds him, sleepy and inattentive. The man is stretched out in the shade of a wooden canopy and carefully drinks a thick and rich drink. Coffee with rare sugar, a luxury delivered from Meridian. But it's so delicious, especially with those sugar candies that Alva left for him on her last visit to the Grove.
“Have you been in contact with Aloy for a long time?” old Chaplain looks at him accusingly with her arms crossed over her chest.
“We are constantly in touch and see each other regularly,” Kotallo remarks dryly and takes a scalding sip.
“Have you told her about your problem?” She bent her line, leaning menacingly over him.
“I haven’t, it's not about her.” Kotallo says wearily. “She has her own quiet life, despite minor troubles with the rebels from the cult of Nemesis. She doesn't need to know that I'm bothered by bad dreams.”
“But she's your friend. And these dreams about her!”
Kotallo is angry, rather at himself, because he cannot control the loud name of his Commander on his lips when he searches for her in his nightmares.
“It's possible that this will be solved in only one way...” Kotallo jerks up from his seat, sets the cup aside and salutes his Chief. Hekarro approached them quietly, despite his size. The man's voice envelops and makes you listen to every word. “You will obey my order. I'm giving you a vacation, indefinite, until you regain your sleep and regain your peace.”
“Chief, I’m...” Kotallo feels himself blushing under his paint.
“You're hurting yourself. And it affects your work. A poorly slept Tenakth, the Marshal - is not a soldier. Your health is important to us. For me.” Hekarro comes closer and his larger palms find their place on the shoulders of the one-armed man. Attentive eyes narrow confidentially. “And it's important to her. Maybe if you spend some time with my favorite Champion, it will help you. And your nightmares will go away.” He pauses for a moment before grinning disarmingly. “And maybe you'll finally stop acting like an idiot by denying you're in love.”
Kotallo holds back his exasperated sigh.
“I can't. She's never shown any interest in me and...”
“You both have an increased stubbornness that borders on idiocy,” Dekka purrs cheerfully.
“Do you understand my order, Kotallo? Get out of the Memorial Grove and go to your gang.” Hekarro waits for a weak agreement and slaps him on the shoulder, so much so that Kotallo staggers. “Go ahead, son. I think you deserve happiness and a good night's sleep.”
A warm wave colors him. Being called the son of this man is incredibly pleasant and he carries this title with honor. Kotallo salutes and leaves, wondering in his head exactly how he will explain his desire to stay at the Base for a while.
***
He is greeted by the taste of purified air and the slight coolness of air conditioners. Dropping a bag of things near the entrance, he examines the place that was his second home.
Everything is surrounded by greenery, scrolls are lying on the floor somewhere, covered with Beta's notes - she is working on a medical encyclopedia. A few toys for a grown-up Vana on a low table and neatly packed figures and pieces for playing Strike complete the picture.
“GAIA...?” He calls carefully. “Is there someone at the Base?”
“Welcome, Kotallo. I'm glad to see you here. The Base is currently empty. Aloy is hunting and I have told her that you have arrived. Are you feeling alright?”
Muttering “Yes” in embarrassment, Kotallo walks towards his cabin. He wants to sleep. But after thinking a little, he decides to wait for the Commander. Moreover, he needs to get settled, update his bed and, perhaps, visit a cool lake on the mountainside.
***
Clean with the updated paint, Kotallo feels more awake. He talks with GAIA for a while, cleans up the great hall and now just stands in the strategy room, looking at the updated map of the West and East. A cheerful voice distracts him from his thoughts.
“So I thought that I would have to fly to the Memorial Grove myself to talk or train with my Marshal, but no. He's here.” She smiles toothily at him, tossing her travel bag aside. It seems that she is glad to see him, since she quickly approaches, crosses her arms over her chest and looks up at his face. “Have you grown up or have we just not seen each other for a long time?”
The picture has been familiar to them for a long time; before Nemesis, she had been here so often that at some point he began to seem that she was looking for and longing to meet him. Curious and defiant, she sharply condemned what she did not like and seemed wrong, and listened with genuine interest to his first reflections on the world of the Old Ones or old stories.
“Or have you shrunk, who knows?” Kotallo smiles back at her and salutes. “Hello, Commander.”
“Hello, my Marshal. And hey, I'm shorter than you, but I can still beat you in a fight, do you remember?”
“MY.” Kotallo cherished the idea that this was a sign of her liking for him, but it was hardly possible.
“Until we get together in sparring, I prefer to think that your luck is to blame. And my inattention.” he teases her, even though they both know that Aloy is capable of rolling him into the floor of the arena so hard he forgets his name.
She snorts, but calls him to follow her. Both are engaged in conversation and he is surprised that there is almost nothing left of the former closed huntress in her. Sure, she's still quiet and withdrawn with strangers, but so bright with friends, like a dancing flame.
They chat until she yawns, stretching her lithe body.
“I'm going to bed, Kotallo. I hope that we will hunt tomorrow. Or maybe sparring....?”
“It's an honor for me, Aloy.”
It hasn't been more than a couple of moments since she left. Kotallo can barely move his legs, afraid that nightmares will overtake him here.
If that's the case, he just hopes she doesn't hear anything.
***
He hopes that this time the nightmares won't bother him. Rhythmically counting down to ten, Kotallo breathes slowly and deeply, hoping that this will help.
Despair swallows him, squeezing him to the bone and leaving him helpless. He loses her again, this time pierced by the arrow of another fanatic, another cult that no one will remember in a century.
The arrow pierces her neck, leaving her gasping in his arms.
“Aloy... Aloy, look at me...”
Her palm caresses his cheek, leaving a mark with her palm. She chokes, but still the words get him used to this dream.
“Tell me...” her voice rings in his head. “Before it's too late....”
“What? What should I tell you?”
Her palm falls on his chest and her green eyes, with a bright spark of life, go out, leaving him alone.
***
Fear flutters sharply in his heart as he sits up abruptly in his bed. The frantic pounding of the heart is trying to cope with heavy and convulsive breathing. A crazy thought regains its brightness.
What if she's dead now? Not breathing? Those seconds when he’d found her and squeezed her, asked her to breathe and listen to his voice remained burned into his soul forever. Now his own nightmares dictate irrational rules to him. He needs to know that she's alive.
Kotallo gets out of bed and wanders into the common room. He can't do it anymore. His thoughts are racing feverishly in his head. What is he afraid of? Her death? Or is it the fear of being left alone? But he has a tribe! His own…
He absently examines the familiar decoration of the hall. His gaze comes across the stones that have been standing there since he came here and dragged the pieces of the Bulwark. There are a lot of things that he left behind as further proof of her prowess and strength.
He freezes in front of the door, not daring to enter.
“GAIA… Is she asleep?”
“Yes, Marshal Kotallo. Should I wake her up?”
“No… Thank you.”
“The doors of her room are always open for you, Marshal Kotallo. It's on the priority list.”
If he had been more collected and less sleepy, he would have thought about her words. Instead, he goes inside because he needs to make sure the huntress is okay. That her wounds had healed and that she was breathing. It may not have been right, but he needs to know that those nightmares remain nightmares.
Kotallo takes a few steps forward and cautiously peers at the woman curled up on her own bed. It's not the first time he's seen her sleeping and knows that she likes to hug a big and thick blanket. And her mouth is open as always, while this formidable woman snores in her sleep. Curls scattered over the pillows, hiding the upper part of her face.
Kotallo hears her loud sigh, a small hoarse snore. She twitches her fingers on the blanket and grumbles something. Tenderness drowns him.
This is enough to calm his heart.
He goes back to his room and falls asleep.
***
They both have a quiet conversation over the next few days. These conversations are filled with memories of bygone days, the warmth of the future and a taste of the present. It's all so cozy, as if this is the point of life where he should be.
At some point, he realizes that she knows that something is wrong with him. It's hard not to notice that he drinks coffee more than usual, and his movements are slowed down during their workouts. Sometimes Kotallo takes a nap, sitting on the couch in the common room or frowns sleepily. It happens that he does not immediately hear her questions or does not immediately answer.
The Marshal is desperate.
He sees how the fire-haired huntress restrains herself, does not ask questions, and is partly glad that this is happening. It's possible that Hekarro was right and he was an idiot. Unfortunately, the idea does not occur to him that his Commander was also afraid to ask about many things. Her behavior has changed. She tries to make more contact with him, sometimes gently touching his forearm with her fingers, trying to draw attention to this or that dialogue.
In the evenings, he feels more cheerful, blaming the fact that checking her sleep at night, he sleeps a little better and longer than before.
“Can we play a game of Strike?” she smiles charmingly one day. “I promise I won't threaten you if you don't give in...”
The Marshal grins, pulling out his little set with the figures strumming inside.
“What is life without your threats, Commander?”
Aloy squints and smiles broadly, arranging the landscape tiles on the board in such a way as to create the best conditions for his figures.
“Ahhh, Aloy. So bad,” he purrs. “You are a fraud.”
“Really? What about ‘strategy planning’?”she laughs warmly, so lively and warm that for a moment it seems to him that this will be enough for his mind.
“Strategy during the game, not adjusting the “best” conditions for your figures.... It won't help your Tremortusk.”
“Let's see. It will be a challenge to you. If I win, will you tell me why you're so sleepy?”
Kotallo twirls the Bristleback figurine in his hands and considers her offer.
She looked at him with hope, with a kind of longing, as if she was urging him to trust her and as if she knew more than he was saying. And at the same time, it was clear that she wanted to give him a choice. He could have. But he doesn't want to. Because for the first time in his life, he's afraid it will scare her away. He should admit that he comes to make sure that she is alive and breathing. But the Ten will curse him... he can't.
“I'm sorry, that is too personal.”
There are too many emotions on her face, it seems to him that he sees even chagrin and slight resentment. But she smiles quickly, holding her hands up.
“You're right, Kotallo. I know what personal comfort means, but let me remind you of what you taught me. It's not worth staying alone with your nightmares and demons. If you want to… I'm here.”
“Whatever you say, my Commander. And now let's make sure that the advantage of arranging the landscape did not help you...”
She laughs merrily, but even sleepy he manages to beat her in the first game, making Aloy loudly indignant.
***
A few days pass and each time it is stronger for him. Every time he wakes up, listening to the silence, and hoping that Aloy did not hear him muttering in his sleep.
Is it possible that his consciousness is playing a cruel joke on him, deciding to beat his “nobility” so that he could not help but go to her? Pushes him to the obvious solution. He needs her and he has to tell her how he feels.
Exhausted, he trudges back to her. The doors open on their own, he doesn't have time to think about it while hesitantly standing in front of the entrance.
He convinces himself that this is the last time. Maybe it's wrong, he wouldn't want her to feel awkward if she finds him here.
His luck has turned against him. Or the Ten. It is possible that now she will get angry and drive him away.
“Kotallo...?” her voice is calling him. “You came.”
“I... I'm sorry, Commander,” he tries to find an excuse for his action. Instead, he babbles like a child. “I...”
“Come here. Please...” there is a softness in her hoarse voice. She's sitting cross-legged in her bed and she's staring at him. “You came here every night...” her eyes twinkle in the dark. “GAIA didn't tell me anything, but I know you're doing it. I wake up every time you leave.”
The silence is too long and he needs another moment while he clears his throat. It's a shame.
“I apologize for being rude. I have no excuse, Commander.”
She sits down more comfortably and wraps her arms around her knees, tilting her head. Her hair is scattered over her shoulders and the warm look from sleep lures him like a magnet.
Now his Commander is very soft and sleep-cozy.
“And I also hear you mumbling at night when I leave the room, and sometimes you wake up screaming,” she ends the sentence meekly. “I... I thought I heard my name.”
He's a dead man.
“Kotallo… I talked to Hekarro. You haven't been sleeping well since we defeated Nemesis. And in the last couple of months, it's gotten really bad. I'm sorry if I'm pushing you, but don't make me order you around. I cherish you and if you have problems, then...”
“I have nightmares. A lot...” he awkwardly shifts from one foot to the other and his hand reaches out to his injured shoulder to distract himself. “They're all about...” He can't finish this thought, but it's necessary. He needs to be honest with her. “About you...”
“About me? Will you sit closer to me? Nearby...”
Nearby? He cannot resist her and sits down in front of the pallet, her bed.
“No; here, closer.” She clasps her palm in front of her.
Another minute's hesitation and he's here, he can almost feel it: the smell of flowers and smoke envelops him, luring and tying him to himself. The semi-darkness behind them seems grayish, but the light around them, due to the sweet-smelling candles nearby, becomes soft.
The impatient huntress squints and arches an eyebrow, waiting for an answer.
“My thoughts... they are about you. Most of the time my nightmare is about the day of the battle when I found you...”
“When you saved me,” she finishes with a smile. “You carried me out from the ashes in your arms...”
“Yes...” the man nods his head and immediately sighs, turning gloomy. “But this nightmares, it's different. In these nightmares you die, always. And I was... left alone. I'm sorry about some things...”
The last words are difficult for him, they hurt his throat and he is afraid that it will frighten her. But understanding is reflected in her eyes and she bites her lower lip, trustfully examining his features.
“What kind of...?” she asks impatiently.
“When this darkness meets me in a dream... your death is on my hands, I... I wake up...” he no longer wants to be silent. She was here listening to him. If she sends him away… He's ready to accept it. “I lost you in my dreams, Aloy, and I needed to know that in reality...”
“And that's why you came to me. Are you.. Are you afraid that you'd find me dead, like in your dreams..?”
He nods his head and looks away. All around, outside her bed, the light is gray and cold, the darkness swirls around. It is possible that he was mistaken, and it was not the candles that gave warmth around him, but the woman in front of him. Her skin is softly shimmering with gold dust, and her green eyes are filled with something familiar. Kotallo closes his eyes, shuddering. His last nightmare is catching up with him.
“Hey, Marshal. I'm here. I'm near. You're not in your nightmares anymore. Do you know why you're dreaming about this?” She moves closer to him, her hand gently resting on his shoulder. But Kotallo does not notice this, immersed in his shame.
“Because I...” these words should have been in another place and at another time. Before, before the battle with Nemesis. Kotallo knows that. Will it be meaningful now? “I love you. I should have said it earlier, but now...”
Small, strong arms wrap around him, and she clings to him with all the warmth he needs.
“The Goddess… Thank you...” Aloy whispers it and strokes the back of his head, shoulders, pulling away. “Say it again… Please...”
“I love you...? Or should I have said it earlier?”
“The first one. I... damn...”
“I love you,” he purrs dully, and his palm reaches out to her left shoulder, stroking until it finds a place at the back of her head in the fluff of her hair. “I love you, I'm sorry that I was silent for so long... I...”
“Hush… I wanted it to be true so much. Do you know whose voice pulled me out of the cold eternity?”
They press their foreheads against each other and their breath merges into one. Both are whispering, it seems that the crackling of the wood wicks in the candles is louder than their words.
“Tell me...” Kotallo's heart is pounding against his ribs.
“Yours… Your voice... when you didn't call me by my title, but by my name… When your voice made me stay here in this world… I didn't tell anyone. I heard you. I felt your warmth and the beating of your heart when you held me to your chest. And... Kotallo… Now you need sleep. I'm... sorry, I'm talking about myself, but...”
“Say more… I like...” he grumbles and she giggles.
“Later. I want you to fall asleep now. You need this, do you hear? I want your nightmares to disappear, so that you understand that I am alive... and... can you... cuddle up to my chest, Kotallo? If it's not too much, I'm sorry if I put pressure on you...”
Even now, she's not sure how he feels. Kotallo grunts approvingly, waiting for her to throw blankets and pillows out of the way, adjusting them so that they form a comfortable nest for two. Kotallo stares blankly at her, at her concern.
“Is this a dream?” He exhales.
It seems to him that her inner fire drives away the darkness of nightmares.
Only now does he realize that he was afraid of the darkness around him. But this cold is receding, giving way to warmth and comfort.
“Let's check it out now, Kotallo. Come here...” she lies down and beckons him to her with her arms.
Slowly, not trusting reality just yet, Kotallo carefully moves so as to lie down next to her. The light is enveloping around. The darkness collapses behind him. He settles in next to her, accepting everything she gives. And she gives a lot.
Helps to arrange his head so that his ear is pressed against her chest. Kotallo hardly breathes, feeling not the intimacy of the moment, but the absolute trust she places in him.
He doesn't have the strength to think about her words right now, but he has the strength to listen to the voice enveloping him.:
"Can you hear my heart beating? It's because of you. For you. I'm fine, you're fine. We're doing well... You can sleep in my arms so you know I'm alive every time. We're both alive. That battle is over and now...” her hands stroke his shoulders and gently touch his head, fingers tangling with the strands of his hair. “Now, we can start all over again. We can live the way we want… You can love me, Kotallo. And I... I can love you too...”
He clings to her, finding solace in these warm words and hugs. It seems to him that something has torn inside, burst, leaving a faint twinkle of stars from inside. Squeezes her to her faint squeak and rises higher, rubbing his nose against her nose.
“Can you love me too?” his quiet whisper curls with tenderness around their hearts. “What do you mean?”
“You are not alone in your nightmares, Kotallo… You've saved me from these dreams so many times without asking for anything in return.… So many times I've seen your gaze, among others, strangers. And it seemed that I would not have it better.… I have loved you long before Nemesis, but time... it didn’t feel right. And I didn't know if you love me too.”
Kotallo kisses her. A soft and quiet kiss, appropriate here and now.
“Good night, my Kotallo. I'll be here when you need me. Your nightmares won't haunt you anymore...”
They settle down next to each other, she hugs him and strokes him, running her fingers through his soft hair. Her heartbeat is steady, so familiar, and it seems to him that their hearts find a common rhythm. It's better than lullabies and that's what makes him teeter on the edge of sleep and reality. The other hand settles on his right shoulder, gently stroking it, as if she doesn’t believe how comfortable it is here either. Her touch and gentle words healed him and banished the nightmares. Her light surrounding them dispelled the darkness inside him.
Or maybe it is all finally a perfect dream.
Later. He would think about it later when he wakes up in her healing arms. Kotallo falls asleep in her arms, smiling, noting that the feeling of horror from nightmares no longer bothers him. He listens to her gentle purring.
Now he knows that his dreams will be protected by her.
***
Aloy sighs, listens to her Marshal's breathing. She gently strokes him, feels his skin dusted with paint for the first time with her fingertips, and then her fingers gently touch the burning skin without paint next to the back of his head. She likes the contrast, but she'll explore it better later, when he finally gets some sleep.
Zo was right, Varl was right, Erend, Beta and Alva with Seyka were right. He loves her, and she was so afraid that he didn't. She knew that he needed something and she selfishly wished that it would be easier for him. She hoped that he would come to her at any time and tell her about everything that was bothering him.
The fact that he just wanted to know that she was alive and breathing hurt her. Because she needed to find out earlier, to help him back when Hekarro warned her that Kotallo didn't sleep well at night. It turns out he just loved her and was still afraid of losing her.
How desperate was Kotallo to do this?
So many times she wanted to call out to him, to ask him to stay, every time she was afraid that she would cross the line. He sighs heavily on her chest and Aloy purrs soothingly, cradling him. She selfishly wished that he would be the first to tell her about love. But she did not suspect that this would be the case, due to his concern.
"Sleep, my beloved... I should have realized earlier that pretending to be asleep was a bad idea. I should have stopped you earlier, helped you and told you. About everything... then you wouldn't have nightmares. But now everything will be different. We have each other." she whispers.
The weight of his body around her is pleasant and for the first time in her life she wants this feeling of security and warmth not to end. Just to be with him and love him. To love each other.This is what she wanted. And what he wanted. Now she would protect his sleep.