Chapter Text
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
now that its been confirmed that hes the real deal, i would like to publicly apologize to mr ultraman for my speculations about the appearance of his unmentionables. im not sorry for my uncouth behaviour but i am extremely sorry that you had to see it
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@fumikosspamss i am also sorry that i had to see it
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
it will never happen again sir i swear this on my mother's future grave. i am now a child of light
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@Ultraman I would also like to apologize for my initial hostility. But in my defense i had no way of knowing it was you fr fr because you never said anything even though you've been on here for like 20 years? So actually it's kinda your fault
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
doesnt really sound like an apology but thanks 👍
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@Ultraman thats true tho what were you even on here for if not to reveal yourself to the world
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
am i not allowed to lurk
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@Ultraman You do a lot of yapping for a self-proclaimed lurker
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
ok damn. sorry for having things to say. sorry for trying to get a crumb, a little smidge, of human connection
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
You had 17 years to "connect" brother. Why are you blowing up the internet NOW
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
bored
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
Ok great. So you're not a TROLL troll but you are A Troll
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@Ultraman how do you even type? its gotta be hard to use a phone when ur your fingers are on average ~2.16m long
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@fumikosspamss uhh
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@fumikosspamss Being able to put two decimal places on that number is fucking bonkers.
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
at the risk of scarring myself for the rest of my significantly long life, how did you estimate that
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
areeeeeeee you saying it's accurate...? :))
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
im saying im equal parts disgusted and impressed
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
if you think that's good wait till you hear the rest. i've got a laundry list of other measurements you could corroborate if you're so inclined ;))))
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
verging more into disgusted now.
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@fumikosspamss Barf
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@Ultraman sorry, brief relapse. i'll behave. how are you liking twitter?
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
i am not
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@Ultraman Then leave?
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@rasputiiiiin did i step on one of your relatives. what is with the attitude
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
I'm just saying if my head was as big as a house and I could shoot energy out of my hands, I wouldn't be wasting my time on social media platforms I don't even like. Don't you have kaiju to wrestle or something
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
what do you want me to do, send them an e-vite? i cant fight kaiju when there are no kaiju in the city. anyway this was my dads acc, im just using it to pass the time
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@Ultraman if youve got free time tho then why not....idk. spend it with ur daughter?? ur fam??? why go to social media at all
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
fair question. kinda hard to say. i guess i just wasn't really into the whole hero-ing thing at first which i think hurt the Ultraman reputation. i want ppl to know im taking the role seriously now
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@Ultraman And you thought the way to do that was by joining the virtual circus.
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
id talk to reporters but its hard to do press releases when the interviewers look like ants. besides, this is safer
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@Ultraman safer?
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
i suppose i could sit on a rooftop and answer any questions people scream at me, but id rather minimize my public appearances just incase the KDF is still trying to nuke me.
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
SPEAKING OF, why have they not been arrested yet???? that was fully attempted murder
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@fumikosspamss They cant just arrest everyone who works there, they've gotta do a whole investigation. The only person they could feasibly have charged has been blown to smithereens
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@fumikosspamss plus there arent many laws in place to protect hybrid human-ultra entities. there are precisely 0 actually. whats even more unfortunate is the people who mightve been inclined to propose those laws are also the people that that kinda legislation wouldve been protecting me from ;-;
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@Ultraman you dont mean the KDF??? youd trust them to suggest a bill with your health and safety in mind????
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
well you know how the KDF was initially a research-oriented organization that sought peaceful resolutions to the kaiju problem
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@Ultraman Yeah
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
yeah yeah for sure, of course. obviously i have heard of that very commonly-known piece of KDF lore. but i dont think @rasputiiiiin knows abt it so could you explain anyway
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@fumikosspamss No it's fine I've already read about it
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@rasputiiiiin dont be embarrassed, its OK not to know things. pride is the antithesis of knowledge
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
I SENT YOU that article fumi. You promised you'd read it
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
i did!
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
So??
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
i forgor :(
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
Youre gonna make a piss poor lawyer you know that
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@fumikosspamss not rlly much to say. the KDF used to primarily deal in xenobiology. they studied kaiju instead of fighting them bc they wanted to find a non-violent way to contain threats. so i guess, ironically, the only ppl i'd trust to accurately determine what would & would not be dangerous to aliens (moi) would be the KDF of 30ish yrs ago
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@Ultraman You seem to have a lot of info about the inner workings of the KDF
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@rasputiiiiin well ofc my father worked with them for decades - actually im pretty sure they have a decent understanding of our biology from him alone. my mother also had ties to the KDF when it was still a startup
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@Ultraman ultramom mention no way!! does she have a twitter too???
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
shes dead
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
so no
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
yeah.
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
ok cool. my bad for that. carry on
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
Out of curiosity @Ultraman what kind of biology are you talking abt?
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@rasputiiiiin basic stuff i think. body composition, behavioral patterns, mating cycles etc etc
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@Ultraman what are your mating cycles. jsut for science
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
id like to discontinue this line of questioning.
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@fumikosspamss Seriously. Right after bringing up the man's dead mother
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
@rasputiiiiin i APOLOGIZED. and im not the one lingering on it am i?
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@fumikosspamss im lingering on it too. as i recall you made a promise on YOUR mother's grave
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
look im sorry, sliding back into old habits was only a matter of time. the soul is willing but the flesh is weak. speaking of flesh.....
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
@fumikosspamss Oh Christ do not finish that sentence
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
LOOKKKK if @Ultraman isnt gonna give me numbers he could at least give me some other details. like if it's snipped or not
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
Dude.
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@fumikosspamss or i could just block you
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
cmon, just the color plsplspls
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
thumb hovering over the button rn
no longer horny on main @fumikosspamss
just tell me if it's red or silver. or maybe patterned?
[@fumikosspamss: You're blocked. You can't follow or see @Ultraman's Tweets. Learn more]
blocked by Ultraman @fumikosspamss
:(
rah rah @rasputiiiiin
Deserved.
Karaiaiai @callmehotnotpretty
Must confess I didnt have 'Ultraman confirms on twitter that he is a single father to his & Gigantron's lovechild' on my 2024 bingo card #UltramanQ&A
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
@callmehotnotpretty gigantron and i have a STRICTLY PLATONIC coparenting dynamic. we take turns teaching emi life skills valuable to both human and kaiju society but biologically, emi is all hers. i love my child but she is not A Lovechild
Karaiaiai @callmehotnotpretty
Mr. Man, I need you to understand that describing the relationship between you and the monster lady the way one would describe the relationship between two divorcees with shared custody of their child destroys any credibility you may have had when you say that you did not fuck that kaiju.
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
please. please. someone needs to believe me. PLEASE. im not interested in kaiju like that. im not interested in ANYONE like that. i dont even have the EQUIPMENT to do that with a kaiju!!
WE GO JIM @workoutguru
@Ultraman love you bro but that is clearly false. if ultras didn't have "the equipment" then you wouldn't even be here rn. you are the proof of concept
SWK Defender @monkieeboy
@workoutguru WAIT THAT'S TRUE. Does that mean the first human-alien interaction to ever occur on this planet ended in the devil's dance??
spider hater @RCandjack
@monkieeboy Ultradad fr wasted no time getting his freak on. Good on Ms Ultraman for meeting an alien as tall as a skyscraper and deciding she was in fact DTF
Walls @whiteboywest
@RCandjack i mean when you really think about it.........wouldnt Ms Ultraman, from Ultradad's perspective, be the alien in that situation
spider hater @RCandjack
So Ultradad fucked an alien too?
Karaiaiai @callmehotnotpretty
@RCandjack Must be genetic
Ultraman (yes, really) 🔹 @Ultraman
everyone in this thread is getting sued for libel and emotional damages. i will be seeking compensation in the form of 2 billion US dollars. expect to hear from my lawyers
Any old port @justonemorething
Is it just me or is it incredibly obvious to anyone else that Kenji Sato of the Yomiuri Giants is Ultraman
spider hater @RCandjack
@justonemorething Ok elaborate?? Don't just drop this and leave wtf
Any old port @justonemorething
1) Came back to Tokyo around the same time as Ultraman Jr made his debut 2) Appeared & played with a mysteriously injured shoulder following Ultraman Jr's battle w Neronga 3) Announced he was taking a 1 month hiatus IMMEDIATELY after Ultraman was seen throwing himself on a bomb; later was seen with his arm in a sling.
mama mia @feyriefam
@justonemorething thats it?
Any old port @justonemorething
"thats it"???? Don't you think it's a weird amount of coincidences?
mama mia @feyriefam
your argument is that its strange that a professional athlete got injured. and that it's odd a man would visit his home country.
Any old port @justonemorething
He did not JUST "visit his home country." He SWITCHED TEAMS a few games before the Dodgers were set to win the championship, which, might I add, would've been Sato's first. And a lot of his injuries line up eerily well on a timeline of Ultraman's fights.
mama mia @feyriefam
correlation =/= causation this is literally statistics 101. what you have is circumstantial at best
Any old port @justonemorething
There is literally VIDEO FOOTAGE of Ultraman saying gigantron "messed up [HIS] GAME" during the New Tokyo Dome debacle.
mama mia @feyriefam
so
Any old port @justonemorething
So wouldn't it make sense that HE IS ONE OF THE PLAYERS.
mama mia @feyriefam
not necessarily. hes already said hes a giants fan, most likely he was attending the game as a spectator.
Any old port @justonemorething
It's like you didn't even watch the vid. He DECKED Gigantron !!! For messing up "MY" (HIS) game!!!
mama mia @feyriefam
sports fans can be very possessive. haven't you heard of anyone talking about a team they like as "their" team?
Any old port @justonemorething
Then how do you explain Ultraman and Sato having the EXACT SAME VOICE AND DORITO-SHAPED TORSO .
mama mia @feyriefam
ok but the voice is subjective asf. for example i find Ultraman sounds more like that VA chris sean
MSI <3 @JUSTLIKEMYMETAL
@feyriefam me when im delusional
mama mia @feyriefam
@justonemorething anyway body shape doesn't mean anything, lots of people have dorito bodies
Any old port @justonemorething
To that extent??? Name one.
mama mia @feyriefam
chris evans
spider hater @RCandjack
@justonemorething Chris Evans
MSI <3 @JUSTLIKEMYMETAL
@justonemorething captain america
Tsuruta Fanclub President @matsuimylove
@justonemorething Chris evans
Any old port @justonemorething
SOMEONE BESIDES CHRIS EVANS.
mama mia @feyriefam
@justonemorething you cant seriously be saying you think that famous baseball superstar kenji sato is secretly ultraman (??) because "tHe ShOuLdErS mAtCh"
spider hater @RCandjack
@feyriefam Idk... there might be something to it. Has anyone ever seen them in the same room together?
MSI <3 @JUSTLIKEMYMETAL
@RCandjack nobodys ever seen Ultraman in any room, ever. hes too goddamn big to fit inside most buildings.
Any old port @justonemorething
@feyriefam Im saying that IN CONJUNCTION with the other evidence presented.......it's POSSIBLE. Perhaps even LIKELY.
mama mia @feyriefam
@justonemorething but what are you suggesting, then? ultraman is a giant fucking alien. kenji sato is a scrawny human. how could one possibly be the other
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
@feyriefam Scrawny is a bit harsh.
spider hater @RCandjack
@feyriefam Maybe it's like those russian nesting dolls yk? Maybe Ultraman is like a giant flesh suit and when you remove that you find Ken Sato inside
MSI <3 @JUSTLIKEMYMETAL
@RCandjack gross
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
@RCandjack I'd love to be inside Ultraman.
MSI <3 @JUSTLIKEMYMETAL
@ImKenSato gross x2
Tsuruta Fanclub President @matsuimylove
@ImKenSato I know you're benched rn but don't you have something to do besides thirst after Ultraman on twitter
Any old port @justonemorething
@matsuimylove HE IS ULTRAMAN. HE'S THIRSTING AFTER HIMSELF. HOW IS NOBODY SEEING THIS
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
I'm flattered you think I've got the strength and/or courage to wrestle kaiju but unfortunately I've never even met the guy :')
Any old port @justonemorething
BECAUSE YOU 👏 ARE 👏 HIM !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
spider hater @RCandjack
@ImKenSato If it's not too personal, why did you come back to Japan? I know Ms Wakita already asked but you took off before you could answer. The timing of you and Ultraman Jr's appearance does seem a little coincidental...
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
It is a little personal, but that's alright. My father, Prof. Hayao Sato, was having a difficult time managing his responsibilities in his advanced age. My mother didn't want him left alone, so I came back to help out.
spider hater @RCandjack
Aw. That's very sweet of you
Any old port @justonemorething
@ImKenSato Yes I can imagine after 10,000 years of being alive his knees would be suffering from some wear and tear
MSI <3 @JUSTLIKEMYMETAL
@ImKenSato what abt your "mysterious" injuries
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
Less mysterious, more embarrassing. I pulled a muscle in my shoulder trying to move a wardrobe while refurbishing. The sling is because I tripped over my dad's cane and fractured my forearm trying to break the fall.
MSI <3 @JUSTLIKEMYMETAL
so it wasnt from a death fight with neronga or the KDF?
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
Not to my knowledge.
mama mia @feyriefam
@justonemorething you can put the tinfoil hat away now, hes answered all your burning questions
Any old port @justonemorething
@feyriefam HE LITERALLY CAME BACK TO HELP HIS DAD UST LIKE ULTRAMAN DID. HISF ATHER WAS INJURED LIKE ULTRAMANS DAD. THEYRE LITERALLY THE SAME ITS LITERALLY THE SAEM!!!!!!!
mama mia @feyriefam
so explain how they can switch between appearances.
Any old port @justonemorething
I . DONOT. KNOW.
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
@justonemorething I'd love to be Ultraman. I bet his species has super-accelerated healing or something. I could do with some of that myself. :)
Any old port @justonemorething
@ImKenSato I KNOW WHAT YOY ARE.
mama mia @feyriefam
everyday on this app i lose more faith in the future of humanity.
Tsuruta Fanclub President @matsuimylove
@ImKenSato Question that isn't related to nutso conspiracies: obviously it seems like you wont be playing for the rest of the season, but will you be able to help out in training (or during games at all)? With pitching, coaching etc i mean
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
@matsuimylove I think I'll mainly be around for moral support. The amount of stuff you can do with one arm in a sling is pretty limited... These past weeks I've just been eating, watching TV, and trying to convince Shimura to make an official account for the Giants.
Tsuruta Fanclub President @matsuimylove
OMG PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I WILL NAME MY FIRSTBORN AFTER YOU IF YOU GET TSURUTA TO DO A Q&A
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
I'm afraid Tsuruta is the absolute worst person you could want to get ahold of via social media. He despises anything techy. He got a phone because Shimura told him that he'd need one in case a training session was rescheduled and we needed to reach him, but it's this old 2003 Nokia that's the size of an eraser. I've never even seen him text with it.
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
@ImKenSato That being said, I could probably get Fucile to persuade him into doing a livestream if I promise to set everything up.
Tsuruta Fanclub President @matsuimylove
I love you sm. If you ever need a place to stay or cash to borrow or your dick sucked or anything im there
Kenji Sato 🔹 @ImKenSato
1) I'm a billionaire, 2) I'm a billionaire, 3) Easy nope. But thanks for offering.
Tsuruta Fanclub President @matsuimylove
I gotchu 🤝
Any old port @justonemorething
@ImKenSato You might have everyone else fooled with your baseball redirect but not me. i see you for what you are. I am ONTO YOU.
[This is the start of a direct message conversation between @justonemorething and @ImKenSato. Please remember to be respectful and adhere to Twitter's chatting guidelines!]
Kenji Sato: They'll never believe you.
Any old port: WHASFJHASKJHASKHW ???!?!?!??
[@ImKenSato has ended the conversation. Click here to send new messages!]