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The deep frown lines on the lad’s face used to disappear when he was asleep. He used to look so peaceful, so content, that Butcher had felt almost guilty for tainting that innocence by gawking at it in the past. But he’d never stopped watching Hughie when he was sleeping. He’d needed to know when that light, that innocence would start to weather. He’d needed to know when he’d corrupted all the light and brightness in the sweet, young man he’d so violently ripped from his quiet and sheltered life all these years ago.
He'd needed to know so that he could take himself out of Hughie’s life once and for all when it got to that point. No matter how he would achieve that.
Of course, Hughie had bad nights, where he’d twist and turn with nightmares and whimper in his sleep. Like he was fighting the darkness that would try to hold him down. He’d never let it.
The last time he’d seen the lad, that light had still been there. When he’d told them he was dying.
Tonight, he looked different.
It wasn’t often that he stayed in their headquarters anymore. Neither did Butcher. Hadn’t seen the lad in too long. Hadn’t expected to see him here tonight.
And he hadn’t expected the way he lay on a too small air mattress, curled up tensely under a scratchy blanket. He didn’t move, but looked like he was straining to. The only light in the room was the moon shining in through the windows. It starkly highlighted the deep lines on Hughie’s face, the sunken in eyes, everything that Butcher had never wanted to see on the kid’s face.
And, for better or worse, he hadn’t been the one who put that there. He should have been, looking at it reasonably, with everything he’d put the lad through. But whatever had happened to Hughie in the last week had done worse things to him than Butcher had ever been able to.
He deserved everything that was happening to him for the glimmer of jealousy he felt at that.
His steps echoed heavily in the room when he slowly walked over to where Hughie was lying. None of the noise he made jostled the lad, even though he was usually a bit of a light sleeper. Wasn’t a surprise with all the fucked-up shit that kept happening to him.
Now he didn’t move in the slightest when Butcher lowered himself onto the mattress next to him. Didn’t even notice he was there.
All of Butcher’s instincts screamed at him to leave, to leave the lad the last sliver of innocence he had. To not dare get close to him, when he would be dead before the week was over. One way or the other.
But no one else was here. And he couldn’t leave Hughie like this. Not with that pained, fearful look on his face.
Not with desperate tears running down his cheeks.
He reached out to gently tangle his hand in Hughie’s hair.
“Lad?” he whispered.
He didn’t get much of a reaction, but Hughie’s face seemed to soften ever so slightly. So, Butcher continued. Started carefully carding his fingers through Hughie’s curls while gruffly whispering for him to wake up.
Hughie shifted slightly closer to Butcher at that, and Butcher drew his hand away as though burnt. Wasn’t even fully sure why he was so startled. He’d wanted to comfort the lad, hadn’t he?
Part of him, he realized, just hadn’t expected him to still trust him.
“Don’t stop,” Hughie’s tired voice interrupted his musings. He sounded more exhausted, rougher than he’d ever heard him. Like someone had rubbed down his throat with sandpaper.
“You okay, lad?” Butcher asked quietly, as he complied with Hughie’s request. He tried to suppress the slight flutter in his chest when Hughie leaned into his hand.
“I’m not,” he replied hoarsely. Opened his eyes too look at Butcher with a little bit of an angry frown, that was only undercut by the way he pushed his head back into Butcher’s palm. “Why weren’t you there today?” he asked, and Butcher looked back at him, confused.
Hated the judgment in the lad’s voice.
“I was busy.” Wasn’t the best way to handle it, but fuck, he wasn’t even sure what he’d missed.
That earned him a few swats to the side as Hughie started flailing to get away from him. Swats that wouldn’t have done anything to him just a few months ago. That now had him doubled over and coughing his fucking lungs out.
“Fuck, Butcher,” he heard Hughie’s voice through the ringing in his ears. Realized that the kid had stopped flailing and had sat up on the bed instead. Was rubbing his back now.
Hughie like he lived and breathed. Always caring for others before himself.
“’m fine lad,” Butcher said as soon as he was able to draw a breath again. He could feel the way Hughie wanted to protest, but he cut him off by speaking first. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there. Dunno what happened. But I’m sorry I didn’t stop it.”
“Not your fault,” he heard Hughie mumbling. Heard the lad shifting and when he looked back at him, he had both arms wrapped around his torso, hugging himself. “Just- please don’t disappear like that again?”
“I can’t stay lad.”
“Please?”
Hughie’s pleading sounded almost panicked. Like any blow, however soft, would tip him over an edge he could never return from. Butcher turned slightly, looked at the kid with wide, sincere eyes. “Alright, I’ll stay,” he lied. “However long you’ll need me.”
Hughie hugged him then. A real, almost too tight embrace, that Butcher returned. At first reluctantly. But after a few moments, he was holding Hughie to his chest like both their lives depended on it. The lad was sobbing softly into his shoulder, and he wished he knew what had happened to him, so he could break whoever did it in half.
He softly started rocking them back and forth, made quiet shushing noises into Hughie’s hair. Started rubbing light circles on the lad’s back. And, like a miracle on his last day on earth, he felt Hughie relax against him. Felt the way his shuddering breaths started to even out.
Heard the softly mumbled “I love you,” as Hughie continued to cling to him like he was his anchor.
And in that moment, he didn’t care how much Hughie would hate him the next day, when he’d find a note saying that they shouldn’t grieve for him. That it’s better this way.
That at least he won’t be holding any of them back anymore. That they’d be free of him.
“Love you too, lad.”