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The True Meaning of the Wootteo x RJ Collaboration

Summary:

Wootteo implements an algorithm to plead for RJ’s forgiveness, namely, lovingly shaving his fur and getting him laid.

Notes:

Kicking off the Wooltteo ship tag with a bang! ROLO

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Work Text:

On May 28, 2024, Wootteo finally came home.

Technically, the alien was standing in front of his dad’s apartment at [REDACTED], South Korea. But with a quick portal connection, he flew through the space-time continuum to phase through the door soundlessly.

Unfortunately, Wootteo’s efforts to remain quiet were futile.

“Welcome home, cheater!” RJ the alpaca shouted as he marched out of the kitchen brandishing a knife.

Wootteo beep beep boop booped in panicked confusion.

“Yes, cheater!” RJ spat. “Look who’s been gallivanting across the globe, canoodling with Christ Martin, while I’ve been at home for nearly two years, waiting very patiently for our dad to return!”

Wootteo frantically waved his little arms but froze when RJ pointed the knife straight at him and started rapping faster than Yoongi’s tongue technology.

“Of course you’d deny that, but I’ve seen the pictures! I’ve seen videos! Don’t lie to me and say you’re doing this for ARMY, because you know who’s been comforting ARMY? Who’s been uploading monthly messages for dad? Who’s been dropping shirtless pics of Uncle Namjoon when ARMY is having difficult days? That’s right. Me!”

Hot tears streamed down RJ’s face, just like in those Argentine telenovelas Wootteo would binge-watch with Christ Martin. And just like the wrongful idiots in those telenovelas, Wootteo failed to generate a response.

“You abandoned us! You abandoned me!” RJ shrieked. “I know it’s important to be there for ARMY, but have you thought about being there for me? Hyung has sent you so many care packages, only to get nothing but cold, telepathic emails!” His eyes flashed for 6.13 seconds before dimming somberly. “It-it’s like you were gone, too.” And then RJ ran back to the kitchen in tears, leaving a trail of floury footsteps behind.

Wootteo stood in the foyer, shell-shocked. He had not registered that RJ’s social levels were that low. Had he miscalculated his priorities? There were millions of ARMY in thousands of cities, so Wootteo thought that he would supervise them from space (and Buenos Aires) while RJ commanded operations in Korea.

But Wootteo didn’t abandon RJ! Each time he received a care package with heart-shaped cookies and a note saying “Hyung misses you! Wish you were here <3”, he sent RJ a telepathic email expressing his utmost thanks. How was that cold? Emails had no internal temperature. If RJ wanted Wootteo to reciprocate gifts or visit Earth, then RJ should explicitly state so. It wasn’t Wootteo’s fault that he had trouble processing implicit social cues.

No. The alien shook his head. “Fault” was for the past. “Responsibility” was for the present. And if Wootteo wanted a miniscule chance to repair his relationship with RJ, he had to take full responsibility immediately.

Cautiously, Wootteo peeked inside the kitchen, where RJ was cooking like a chef. He’s a 5-star Michelin, whisking a bowl of batter with his bare paws faster than a stand mixer. Wootteo patiently waited for RJ’s anger levels to decrease.

RJ hastily hid a sniffle. “Go away, Wootteo! I don’t want to talk to you right now.”

The alien let out a questioning beep.

“Fine! After I put this in the oven. That’ll be twenty minutes.”

Wootteo booped in acknowledgement, before beginning preparations to plead for RJ’s forgiveness.

Skipping into Jin’s bedroom, Wootteo procured some electric shears and a clean kimchi bucket (to store alpaca fiber). He also searched through his brain’s knowledge bank for ways to communicate love and repentance.

Candles and roses always worked in telenovelas, but he didn’t have either, so Wootteo arranged bouquets of churros around the room and turned on Jungkook’s Mikrokosmos Mood Lamp. So pretty… So mesmerizing… The tiny BTS symbols were floating in a galaxy of blues and purples. Like stars, like his dad and uncles, watching over them from above…

“Wootteo? Oh, you’re here.”

The alien perked up. RJ was standing at the door, noticeably calmer now that his paws were clean, though still somewhat miffed.

“I’m free to talk now, but I still haven’t forgiven—are those churros?” RJ devoured one of the bouquets with literal stars in his eyes. “Mmm, this is so delicious! You did this for me?”

Wootteo beep beep boop booped happily (the makeshift candles and roses were a success!). He then gestured towards the shears.

“Ah, you want to shave my fur? I guess it has been a long time…” RJ trailed off nostalgically.

Beep boop!

“Just like the good old days,” RJ agreed, smiling as he joined Wootteo on their dad’s bed.

RJ’s breathing rate was a steady 70 beats per minute, so Wootteo knew he was allowed to proceed. After carefully removing the red bandana around the alpaca’s neck, Wootteo sheared the arms, then the legs, and then the most intimate part: RJ’s body. With every stroke of the shears, RJ’s stress levels decreased while the volume of the alpaca fiber bucket increased.

“This is nice,” RJ quietly admitted, suppressing a pleasant shiver. “I miss spending time together like this.”

Wootteo asked how RJ was feeling.

“Good, happy.” RJ paused for a few moments, letting the soft buzz of the shears fill the silence. “I am still a little angry, but right now, I want to focus on feeling loved.”

Love! The most nebulous of RJ’s status levels. There was so much to learn, but Wootteo already knew that quality shearing time was good for RJ’s love levels, as well as…

Once there was no more fur to shave, Wootteo put down the shears and used his mind powers to project a holographic image onto the wall.

“Oh!” RJ pointed his bare arm at the image of Wootteo all bundled up while exploring an ice planet. “Isn’t that the scarf I made for you in December?”

Made with 100% alpaca wool, Wootteo confirmed, jumping into the bucket of fresh alpaca fiber. RJ giggled as Wootteo made happy noises while rolling around in the pile of fluff.

“I’m glad you like it so much. It makes me happy to see you wearing it.” RJ shivered, bashfully turning his head to the side. “Ooh, it’s a bit chilly here, don’t you think?”

Now this was an implicit social cue Wootteo understood! But it also made logical sense. Without his thick fur, RJ’s skin was exposed to the elements. And if Wootteo activated his heating technology, his body would be able to warm RJ up.

So he did just that.

Grabbing a bottle of Jin’s fancy lotion, Wootteo poured a generous amount on his rounded arm, heated it up, and massaged every inch of RJ’s skin. RJ sank into the mattress, fully relaxed; he always liked being pampered, and this was no exception.

Coincidentally, RJ’s love levels spiked the same time Wootteo brushed against his lower body. Coincidentally, Wootteo rubbed that area harder.

“Ahh, Wootteo!” RJ shuddered. “O-oh, that’s—”

RJ attempted to cover his mouth, but Wootteo pinned his skinny arms down, forcing the alpaca to let out a wanton moan.

“But Wootteo! It’s embarrassing!”

Personally, Wootteo thought it was very… borahae (he couldn’t generate a better word). Plus, the volume of RJ’s voice was a solid metric for Wootteo’s performance.

Still, he relented, letting RJ catch his breath as Wootteo fetched a bottle of Jin’s lubrication and played “The Astronaut” on loop. That way, RJ wouldn’t feel embarrassed about making noises. A brilliant compromise!

“Okay, but don’t you think it’s weird to be making love to dad’s music?”

Wootteo fired up an airtight rebuttal of beeps and boops.

“Nooo, I don’t want to hear about Uncle Namjoon and dad doing—What?! That’s how you learned about ‘Expensive Girl’?! I need a moment…”

Wootteo allowed a moment for RJ to dramatically faint on the mattress; then, he positioned his rounded arm (now sufficiently lubricated) at RJ’s entrance.

“Ah! Slow down!” RJ cried, though he didn’t stop Wootteo from pushing his arm all the way inside his pussy. “Be gentle. It’s… been a while…”

Nodding, Wootteo recalculated the optimal speed for RJ’s pleasure. Wootteo didn’t have fingers, but his arm had similar physical properties to oobleck, a non-Newtonian fluid made of cornstarch and water that thickened when enough force was applied.

RJ never really understood Wootteo’s scientific ramblings, but the alpaca did understand that Wootteo’s arm got harder the faster he thrusted, hard enough to strike his g-spot and make him gasp in heightened pleasure.

“Wootteo!” RJ’s love levels were skyrocketing. “Ah, it feels… feels good!”

But Wootteo wanted to excel, wanted RJ to feel so much better than good, so he used his other arm to massage his clit, humming in satisfaction when RJ got even wetter.

Sometimes, Wootteo wondered just how much liquid that pussy could produce, but there was no time to measure it, not when he was busy making love and watching RJ quiver like a leaf.

“Please, Wootteo, I’m… I’m gonna—oh—”

RJ’s love levels hit their climax, threatening to overflow past 100% as he cried and thrashed his skinny legs, and so much slick was gushing out, surely it wouldn’t hurt for Wootteo to have a taste?

The temptation was too strong, and Wootteo dove in headfirst, eagerly analyzing RJ’s flavor profile (semi-sweet with hints of vanilla and churros), his helmet inadvertently rubbing against RJ’s clit.

“W-Wootteo… you—you’re—” RJ whimpered, sensitive and overwhelmed. “It’s… too much!” He cried one last time, eyes wide open as his body shuddered uncontrollably before collapsing onto the mattress, dazed yet satisfied.

With affection coursing through his wires, Wootteo snuggled up against RJ, lightly bonking his head against RJ’s freshly shaved chest, letting out a soft trill.

“I love you, too, Wootteo.”

They laid there together, Wootteo contentedly listening to RJ’s heartbeat as their dad’s silvery voice continued to sing in the background.

Suddenly, the oven timer went off, and RJ sat up in alarm. “Ah! The cake’s ready, so—oh no, we got dad’s bed dirty! And the floor!”

Wootteo tilted his head. Why was RJ so worried? Jin wouldn’t be back for another two weeks.

“I suppose you’re right. I’ll wash it tomorrow. Oh, you want to do the laundry? And the sweeping? For me? I… thank you, Wootteo,” RJ murmured, evidently pleased, before scurrying off to the kitchen.

Wootteo let out a sigh (or rather, beep booped).

RJ’s love levels had gone down to 85%, not as high as Wootteo would like, but certainly higher than when he first arrived home.

But perhaps these things took time to grow, just like RJ’s fur, and soon enough, he could try strengthening their relationship again with a Shave & Chill session.

RJ’s head peeked through the bedroom door. “Aren’t you coming? Hyung will cut a big slice for you.”

Wootteo beeped excitedly, sprinting towards the dining table and cheering when RJ showcased his alien-shaped vanilla cake.

Imperceptibly, the love levels rose by 1%.

Notes:

Poll: If you were in RJ’s fur, would you dump Wootteo’s ass or forgive him and get that sweet love?

Edit 2024-07-11: Oh lordy, BT21 interns, please get inspiration from somewhere else, not here

Cooky shaving RJ

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