Chapter Text
Nothing really changed.
Sirius saw the man at parties; he went over to Grimmauld Place to talk with Sirius’ father, and they had more tutoring sessions.
The first day he saw the man again, Sirius couldn’t even utter a word due to how frightened he felt, but to his relief, nothing seemed to change since that day. The man didn’t touch him like that again; there was not even the slightest sign of what had happened, so nothing changed. Except maybe, for Sirius.
He didn’t tell anyone, and the man never acknowledged it. That should be good, but since that day, his stomach felt constantly heavy, and there were days in which breathing was hard.
It all started with nausea. Sirius felt a gradual, horrible feeling that grew stronger; the nausea sat heavy on the pit of his stomach. Sometimes it was so intense that it felt as if a ball was growing inside his middle, taking up so much space that it started to reach his lungs.
The ball made it hard to eat, which caused Sirius’ parents to snap at him for not touching his plate and being rude at the table.
“My stomach hurts, mother.” It was a partial truth; the nausea sometimes came with stomach pain. His parents accepted it, but they were growing annoyed at his insolence during meal times.
The nausea kept growing to the point he couldn’t even really enjoy when Kreacher got Regulus a treat from the kitchen.
“It’s delicious. Why are you not eating it?” His brother gently nudged him in the ribs.
Regulus was enjoying the treat; it was a chocolate dessert that Kreacher sneaked out for Regulus, and his brother always shared it with him. They usually giggled and hid while eating and enjoying the food, but Sirius's throat felt closed when raising the spoon to his mouth.
“You eat it. I don’t really want it.”
“Are you still sick?” Regulus asked worriedly while finishing the dessert on his own.
“Yeah, I feel a little sick. But I’m okay,” he reassured his brother.
The man stopped tutoring him for a bit, but Sirius nausea was still prominent. It grew so big that it pushed on his lungs, making it hard to breathe.
He was running around the house with Reggie when he crashed into his father. It sent Sirius to the floor, and both he and his brother were silent, waiting for their father’s reaction.
“Careful Sirius!” His father shouted at him, but that wasn’t a terrible reaction. Then his father grabbed him by the hand and pulled him up. His father’s hand was similar to the man’s.
“Are you okay, or did you hit yourself too hard?” His father asked, confused as to why Sirius grew so limp and silent.
“Sorry, father, I-I’ll be more careful.”
His father gave him one more confused look and announced he had to leave.
“It’s okay, he wasn’t mad.” Reggie tugged at Sirius’ arm, pulling at it to keep playing, but Sirius felt his heartbeat on his throat.
His chest felt like it was closing; the feeling in his stomach was enormous, causing him to almost gasp for air. Sirius' hand trembled when he rubbed at his face; his brother realized something was wrong, so he tried to pull himself together to avoid scaring Regulus.
At that moment, Sirius wondered if this was all because of what happened that day. It made acting the same around Regulus so difficult; he was trying his best, but he felt different from his brother. It was as if the capacity to be normal wasn’t there anymore, because he didn’t feel like it– normal.
“I don’t want to play anymore. Sorry Reggie.”
“But you said the same thing yesterday.” Regulus complained, but Sirius managed to walk to his room despite his brother scowling because Sirius quit the game.
“Sorry, we’ll play tomorrow.”
Regulus groaned and rolled his eyes. Sirius stared at him for a few seconds, recognizing that he was not like his brother anymore. He was different now, but not like before. There were things that separated Sirius from Regulus; being the eldest being the main difference. Now, there was a stain over Sirius, like a layer of filth that separated him from his brother.
It kept getting worse.
Sirius felt on edge every week, not knowing if the man would return to their tutoring or not. The anticipation was making him nervous, so much so that his hands shook slightly every Monday.
What was very strange was that Sirius wasn’t still sure of what had happened–all he knew was that he didn’t like it and that he wanted to forget it ever happened. He tried to bury it deep inside his skull, but he was painfully aware of how he was carrying something strange inside of him.
His parents were getting more and more annoyed at his behavior. Sirius didn’t want to attend parties or family meetings–it made his chest even tighter, and not wanting to attend was misbehavior in his parents’ eyes. He kept saying he felt sick, but healers cast diagnosis spells on him, and he was physically fine, which led to his parents thinking he was putting on an act to get away with family duties.
“I don’t feel good, I swear.” Sirius would tell his parents, but they still force him to attend social events.
At one event, he stayed close to his brother and his cousins. Andromeda was casting worried glances at him when Sirius’ gaze kept darting around, trying to see if the man was there or not.
“What’s the problem with you today?” Narcissa asked him when Sirius kept fidgeting and acting weird, and he said there was no problem.
“Are you not feeling good?” Andromeda gently asked him, squinting while analyzing him.
“I just feel a little sick.” Sirius smiled at Andy; she was his favorite cousin.
After a few months went by, Sirius thought that it wouldn’t happen again. But right there, when he was only with Bella after Andy went to talk to someone, his father came with the man to announce they would return to the tutoring classes.
There was something in the man’s eyes that gave it away. The man smiled, and Sirius forced a smile too. He felt weird; he didn’t think too much about it, but Sirius questioned himself for feeling special by the man’s treatment.
Was he never special? Was he not good?
He wanted to know if everything was a lie or if that part was true.
Going back to tutoring devastated him; he was just starting to feel safe again, but all his feelings were proven right.
Two days later, Sirius was almost expecting it. Each night he would lie in the dark and feel his lungs burning with anticipation; it was hard to sleep.
Sirius was back again in the same room, with the door shut and the man by his side.
He tried his best to focus on the books in front of him, but it’s so hard when he was afraid to breathe too loudly or to move too sharply. He was next to the man, but he didn’t want the man to see him. Sirius thought that if he remained obedient and quiet, the man would not see him in that way, and things wouldn’t go that way.
He was wrong.
Almost at the end of the session, he felt the man’s grip on his wrist again, and his hand was dragged onto the man’s lap. Sirius was repulsed, horrified, sweat soaking his back. He wanted to get up, scream, and go away, but he felt frozen in his spot.
He couldn’t move an inch; his eyes were fixed on the book in front of him, avoiding looking at whatever was happening on the man’s lap.
He knew what it was. He knew, he knew. He felt something warm and wet, and Sirius gagged.
The man temporarily stopped and held him, getting his face close to Sirius’.
“Hey, it’s alright. I know this is new for you, but you’ll like it.” The man said it in a soothing tone.
“Relax, Sirius. It’s alright. You are so good.” The man stroked his hair, and Sirius' vision got blurry from tears.
He had yearned for something like that for so long. For his parents to talk softly to him, to caress his face, and to be nice.
This is what you wanted, a mocking voice told him. Aren’t you happy?
He wasn’t. He didn’t want what came with that love and affection. He didn’t want it at all.
“Relax.” The man kissed him on the cheek and almost hugged him. Sirius never wanted to be loved so less.
His mind seemed to go away after that. He barely remembered the man moving Sirius’ hand up and down and something wet tainting Sirius’ palm and arm.
It kept happening, and the man kept being affectionate with Sirius before and after doing anything.
Life became strange for him. He looked at everyone and felt so othered from them. Did that happen to anyone else too? Was it normal despite it being horrible? Sirius experienced many things he would classify as horrible, so maybe this was another one of those experiences.
“You are special, Sirius. You really are.” The man would tell him, and Sirius didn’t feel special.
“I know you want this, Sirius. I knew from the first time I saw you.”
He didn’t feel special. He wasn’t good–good kids don’t provoke this. Good kids don’t somehow get themselves into a situation like this.
_
The man stopped for periods of time, and now Sirius was slightly older; he was ten, not nine like the first time it happened. The man got so close to Orion, that he stayed for drinks at night–it terrified Sirius on a new level because he couldn’t let that man near Regulus.
Every time he saw the man interacting with his brother, his stomach bottomed, and all he wanted to do was yank Regulus away from the man and put distance between them.
“Don’t get jealous, young Black.” The man would joke when Sirius would get in between Regulus and the man.
Sirius smiled politely but remained by his brother’s side at all times.
One night, when Walburga, Regulus, and Sirius had gone to their respective rooms, Orion and the man stayed on the couches, drinking.
He couldn’t sleep. Sirius kept wondering if his father was like the man. His father never touched him like that, and he was sure Orion didn’t touch Regulus either, but was he like that with another boy? Orion was so close with the man that it was almost like a betrayal, like Sirius’ father was okay with what was happening to him. Was that the case? Sirius’ mind kept spinning.
He didn’t know.
That night, he couldn’t fall asleep with the man in his house. He stares at the ceiling, avoiding sleep because he wanted to make sure to be awake if the man was there.
He felt deeply tired, though, so the dark shapes were playing tricks on him–he thought he could hear the doorknob turn more than once. Right when he thought it was just his mind making it up, he did hear the doorknob, and his door was slightly squeaking open.
Sirius bolted upright, his mind not comprehending that the man was in the room. His silhouette in the dark was one of the scariest things Sirius had seen.
It was so bold, so public and so risky. It sent a shiver down Sirius’ spine, and he started to shiver like a wet animal. He was unable to comprehend that something may happen now in the middle of the night.
He kept shaking uncontrollably, especially when smelling the alcohol reeking out from the man.
“Shh..” The man was suddenly next to Sirius’ bed.
“No, stop–” Sirius said out loud, and the man quickly put a hand over Sirius’ mouth.
“You can’t let anyone know about this, Sirius.”
He is stiff, his eyes desperately darting between the man and the door. He was desperate to scream and tell his parents; he never felt brave enough to do it, but at that moment something was taking over him.
The man’s face was harder than usual–he was stone cold, unimpressed by Sirius struggling.
“You can’t, Sirius, Because you know…Maybe I then will have to start giving your brother special attention too…I wouldn’t want your brother to feel left out, you know?”
And just like that, Sirius forgot how to breathe.
The idea of that man getting close to Regulus and giving his brother special attention was frightening, vile. Everything in his body screamed at Sirius to stop that from happening, to protect his brother.
He vehemently shook his head. The man carefully removed the hand from Sirius’ mouth.
“Please , no.” Sirius whispered with unshed tears in his eyes.
There was a disgusting smile taking over the man’s face. It was sinister; Sirius never saw the man act like that before.
“You won’t tell anyone?”
“I won’t. I–I won’t tell.”
Sirius could not believe he was cornered into this.
The man was satisfied. Then he did something he never did before, he held Sirius by his neck and forced a kiss into Sirius’ lips. It was hard, the mustache touched Sirius’ face; the man's breath reeked, and Sirius felt his entire body shaking. It had such an animalistic fervor that it made Sirius’ mind freeze.
He stayed right there in the same position when the man left, not able to snap out of it.
Sirius felt his stomach churning, so he bolted to the bathroom and gagged with his knuckles gripping the cold sink.
Grimmauld Place was so big that no one was able to listen to his pitiful sounds. After being sick, Sirius went to Regulus’ room instead of his–he didn’t think he could handle being in his bed at that moment.
“Brother?” Regulus mumbled when feeling Sirius’ in his bed.
“Shh, go back to sleep. I had a bad dream, can I stay with you?”
Regulus nodded and quickly relaxed again, sleep taking over. Sirius rested his cheek on his brother’s arm, trying his best to take air in and out.