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The cloak of night hung over us, almost smothering, were it not for the piercing light of the moon. Because of these conditions, we hadn’t travelled too far from the Temple of Kronos, but we were far away and isolated enough to set up camp for at least the rest of the night. I unpacked our things from Argo and unrolled our furs while Xena gathered branches and wood to start a fire. This was part of our routine.
Next, Xena would hunt some game — at the very least, something like rabbit — and I’d be in charge of cooking it while Xena sharpened her sword. She always looked faraway while doing this, the reflection of the flickering flames and stray embers juxtaposed against her icy blue eyes. Sometimes, I wonder, if she gazes long and hard enough, if her cold stare will melt away and all of her well-damned thoughts would come pouring out. But I know that’s just my wishful thinking.
I would like to pride myself on being able to read people and, as a result, being able to craft my words accordingly based on what I know they want to hear. When it comes to Xena, though… no such luck. She’s a riddle, wrapped in an enigma, shrouded in a dark, brooding, mysterious past. Before I can even speak most times, she’s already figured me out, and ready to shut me down.
•*•*•*•*•*•
”What’s the matter?” I asked rhetorically, looking for a fight.
“Nothing, I just…” Xena managed to sputter out before I cut her off.
“Thought I did something without thinking?” I shot back accusingly, the heat of anger rising in my chest.
“… Well, if you did, it’s none of my business.” She gritted her teeth and turned her back to me, trying to maintain a semblance of calmness.
That just enraged me even further.
“Yeah, that’s right, it isn’t!” I seethed, surprising myself.
The anger had crept up into my throat, leaving my chest feeling tight as I let my emotions overcome me.
Xena sighed and turned around again to face me “Look, if this is about what I said before, I was tired.”
”You think I’m just a kid.” I fumed.
“No, I don’t.” She replied, her voice low “I just don’t have the time to convince you right now.”
I knew she was being sincere and I could see something amiss in her eyes. Pain? Sadness? I couldn’t quite pin it for sure, but I definitely noticed it.
•*•*•*•*•*•
Recalling what happened… I didn’t care for what Xena had to say in that moment, though. And I ran off, essentially serving myself on a silver platter to the Titans, because I thought I knew better.
•*•*•*•*•*•
”Why did you risk your life by going into that cavern alone?” Xena questioned me, her voice stern but caring.
I scoffed, feeling as though my intentions should’ve been obvious “I wanted to make up for what I did so that you wouldn’t hate me.”
She was turned sideways, focusing on tying something that didn’t matter, but I saw her demeanour soften “For your information, I could never hate you. Your heart’s always in the right place.”
•*•*•*•*•*•
Thinking about our interaction once more, I smiled while simultaneously feeling silly for all the rage I had harboured against her. I thought she didn’t trust me, that she didn’t think I was capable of holding my own. Meanwhile, once we got back from sealing the Titans away yet again, I overheard some of the villagers talking as we packed up to leave. Saying that they couldn’t believe Xena was right, that I was able to distract the Titans long enough for reinforcements to arrive. How brave (if not reckless) I was, to do all of this for strangers. Just as I think all Xena wants to do is undermine me, or consider me a burden, I find out later from other people, or herself, the extent of my misjudgements. Every time, she’s never angry with me for it. And I don’t know why that is, because if it were anyone else throwing around those accusations, she’d make them eat their own teeth.
“Something on your mind? Or someone, rather?” Xena’s voice rouses me from my internal dialogue, an amused look on her face.
“Phyleus, perhaps? You two seemed to be getting… friendly.” She teases, but I catch that melancholy look in her eyes again.
“What?” I blurted, embarrassed I had been caught lost in my own thoughts.
“Oh, uh, it’s just that… well, you were smiling to yourself, so…” Xena’s words were unsure, the complete opposite of her usual behaviour.
“Anyway,” She coughed awkwardly “your food’s getting cold, so you should probably —“
“Are you jealous?” I ask suddenly.
Xena coughs again, for real this time, and chokes on some water she went to drink from her pouch.
In all honesty, I was just as surprised by my words as she was. But I was feeling bold, and I wanted to know what was going on with her.
“I don’t court men who haven’t finished going through puberty.” Xena mumbled into her water pouch, raising an annoyed eyebrow at me.
“I didn’t mean jealous of me.” I continue prodding, my gut churning anxiously.
Xena’s eyes widened, and I couldn’t tell if it was the light off of the fire or her proximity to the heat of the flames, but her face was suddenly flushed.
“Jealous of what, then? The thought of you, with a temple monk who has less body hair than I have under one armpit?” She snorted, having composed herself “What you do and to whom you do things to is none of my concern.” Once again, she echoed her sentiments from earlier.
“Maybe there are parts of both of us that want to believe that, but the other parts of me know that isn’t true.” My words cause Xena to look away, pretending to focus on her blade pierced into the ground in front of her.
“I want to protect you.” Came her weak, ramshackle reply.
There she goes. Lying to my face. I laughed grimly to myself, the feeling in my stomach transforming into a heated rage that I could feel throughout my entire torso. I felt betrayed. I wanted her to be honest with me. No matter what I had to do to pull it from her.
“You expect me to believe that? You know I don’t need to be protected, I’m a grown woman for Zeus’ sake!” I yelled over the crackling fire, throwing my arms up in frustration.
“… You’re right. I’m sorry.” Xena merely replied, the look on her face baring her shame.
“Then tell me the truth!” I demanded, taken slightly aback by my own behaviour but quickly hiding it. “You know what, don’t bother. Clearly I don’t mean enough to you for you to tell me the truth.” I scoffed and stood up, turning to walk to my bedroll.
That did it.
Like lightning, Xena was behind me in a flash, tightly gripping my wrist. Almost startled by her own action, she loosened her grip considerably. I whipped around, ready to let her have it, when I saw the look on her face.
Despondent. Crestfallen.
“Don’t ever say that again.” Her voice cracked “Please.”
I’ve heard the tale of Atlas holding up the sky, but this simple request felt heavier than that by tenfold.
“Okay.” I answered without second thought.
We stood like that in silence for a few moments before Xena turned me around to face her. Her hands lingered on my shoulders slightly longer than a friend would do, then she slid her hands up my neck to cup my face. She leaned in, pressing our foreheads together.
“Gabrielle, you mean more to me than you could ever know. If I ever lost you… I fear I’d lose myself.” She took a deep breath and swallowed hard “But I know one of these days, some kind-hearted, doe-eyed man is going to sweep you off your feet and take you with him, away from me. And I know I can’t stop that from happening.”
I felt a lump in my throat and I was at a loss for words. All I could do was listen, her rough, calloused thumbs absentmindedly running over the skin of my cheeks.
“You have more faith in me than I could ever have in myself. Everywhere we go, the shadows of my past follow me, and you bear witness to them. You remain steadfast — unflinching, unwavering in your support and dedication to me. I don’t deserve it, and I haven’t earned it, yet you’re still… here. Despite everything.” Xena’s voice was shaky, her words conveying any and all vulnerability she was capable of “You make it easy to be a better person… I can only pray to the Gods that one day I can be as good as you.”
“Xena, that’s not true!” I protested, causing a newfound feeling to blossom in my chest. It was still a type of burning, but… softer, a lot lighter.
Xena’s eyes widened, taken aback from my sudden outspokenness. But, she quickly regained her composure.
“It is true, Gabrielle. You will someday settle down, and live out the rest of your days in a peaceful lull. Because of the previous choices I made in my life, I don’t get to have that kind of luxury. I will be on the run for the rest of my days. And however many of those days I get to spend with you, each one is a blessing that I don’t have the wherewithal to be able to take for granted.” Xena reaffirmed with a sad smile, wiping away a tear that I didn’t even realize rolled down my cheek.
“Why does everything have to be an act of martyrdom with you?!” I raised my voice at her, gripping her forearms in frustration. Hot tears were now streaming down my face.
“Because I made a martyr out of every man and woman I killed, out of every child I made an orphan! I bled innocents like pigs and razed their villages to the ground. I took perverted pleasure in the sounds of their screams and wore the smoke of their burnt houses like it was the finest of perfumes.” Xena’s voice raised in turn, a mix of pain and anger hanging off of every word she spoke.
“You changed, though! You’re not that same woman, that much I know.” I pressed on, squeezing her arms for emphasis.
She sighed, her eyes closing for a moment while she stayed silent. “The point is, Gabrielle, I’m just as capable of senseless violence now as I was back then. Everyone has their limits. One thread that holds the weight of the world, and if that thread frays, then,” Xena moved her right hand away from my face and snapped “it’s over. You know I’m right, especially after witnessing what Ares made me do —“ She paused, her brow furrowing before she continued “— what I did with encouragement from Ares.”
“But you’re also capable of acts of kindness and incredible feats of justice. Why do you discount that?” I managed to say through sniffles, trying to subside my tears.
“Even though I do those things because it’s the right thing to do, it’s also my atonement. My burden. If you do something wrong, it’s viewed as a mistake. If I do something wrong, I risk being seen as a cold-hearted tyrant. And I can’t fault anyone for seeing me that way.” She answered softly, letting go of my face and pulling away from me.
Xena… It hurts to see her think so little of herself.
As she goes to turn away from me to lay on her furs, I grab her by the wrist. I felt her jump out of her skin a bit, not expecting my action. Xena lifts and turns her head to make eye contact with me, and I realized she was trying to hide her own tears. Not a blubbering mess like I was, but the silent, stoic flow of tears that somehow hurts more to witness.
“The day I joined you was the day I decided to take on that burden as well, Xena. It’s not just about you anymore.” I stated, my hand sliding down as I intertwined our fingers.
“Gabrielle…” Xena murmured, her eyes barely meeting mine.
“And who has a say in what you deserve from me, if not me? I believe you deserve a second chance at life, and then some. You have a good heart, Xena. I wish you could see yourself the way I do.” I continued.
“… I’m not quite sure what to say.” She admitted while I saw a pink tinge settle across her face.
I don’t think I’ve ever seen her flummoxed like this before. It’s kind of… endearing.
“A ‘thank you’ would do nicely.” I joked.
Xena rolled her eyes and squeezed my hand. “… Thank you, Gabrielle. And I mean it.”
To my surprise, she leaned in and placed a quick kiss on my cheek, coughing and letting go of my hand. By the time my brain processed the event that had occurred, Xena was turned away from me in her bedroll. I raised my hand to my cheek and gingerly touched the spot where her lips had made contact, feeling my skin heat up.
What in the fires of Tartarus was that?