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Chapter 3: 3

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

He wakes up alone in bed. That had been the best night's sleep he's had in years, he doesn't know if it's early or late but he feels like he probably got a lot of sleep. His heart is light, he feels a deep tranquility that he can swear he had never felt in his entire life. He can smell fresh bread from afar, Mikasa is probably in the kitchen.

Eren sits on the bed and blinks his eyes a few times to wake up completely, he remembers last night perfectly, he remembers being on top of Mikasa and he remembers her hands on him, it's strange but not because it's actually strange, but rather because he never imagined he would be able to accept her love and reciprocate it in this life.

Loving her was like a distant daydream some time ago. The love he felt for her was always with him, he knew that, but realizing that fact took a while. Eren had many burdens to carry and this disturbed his mind to the point that he could no longer have goals for his personal life, the only goals that he and the others could have for him were to work for the liberation of humanity, exterminate the enemy and go to the end of this problem, but nothing was actually about him, he was an easily replaceable part, it wasn't him, it was his power. Eren himself was not a hero and never was.

There was nothing else on his mind. Nothing beyond his obligations. In a cruel world like that, being in Eren's shoes, thinking about himself was very selfish and ambitious, but what could he do? After seeing his own amazing destiny at the hands of Historia, he became a more closed-off boy, he couldn't talk properly to the people around him so he had a lot of time to think. He analyzed every part of his life, every action, every mistake and success he made, every word he ever uttered echoed in his mind every day, he sank into the memories of his own life.

And then he had time to feel.

And he felt so much, he just didn't know, because it was routine, you don't notice the air you breathe because you're always breathing. But Eren loved differently, because Mikasa was different, no other girl would do a third of what she did, and no other would love as much either.

Mikasa had attitude, she was strong, more so than him, she was exaggeratedly passionate but strangely silent, she was bold even though she was discreet, she was delicate being a meat cutter. She was fiercely protective, and he was jealous of it all.

Eren wouldn't be able to provide all these qualities back to her and this revolted him to the point of eating him up inside, so it was difficult to love and envy someone at the same time and distinguish between these two things.

Almost ten years ago when Eren saved Mikasa's life in that cabin, it was the first time he felt he had strength. He felt big, it was like an instinct, he instantly wanted to protect her, wanted to take care of her, even though he was just a child, it was so natural for him, there were no remorse about it, it was what had to be done. When Mikasa arrived at the Jaegers' house, she seemed like a helpless and shy animal, she didn't talk much, she didn't have many reactions and that was curious to him, of course, he knew that living through all that trauma had left her disturbed. She was quiet and closed off, she was without a doubt a sweet girl, very polite and so delicate that she fascinated him. He always found a way to talk to her in his own way, he was always a little clumsy with his words and somewhat insensitive in an unintentional way, but she always answered him. After she felt comfortable enough to start playing with him, she ended up meeting Armin and some time later Mikasa became another girl, it was as if she had always lived in that house. Grisha and Carla treated her like a daughter, they were always very affectionate and welcoming towards her, she felt comfortable acting like she belonged to that family and they lived well like that, because in a way she belonged, and always has.

Even though Eren's parents treated Mikasa like their daughter, he never saw her as a sister or a relative. Mikasa was the girl he had saved, he felt like he had taken a princess from a ruined castle and brought her home safely and that was all. It bothered him when someone treated them as if they were brothers, because they weren't, Eren was a man to her and he always knew that, they never needed to talk about this subject but sometimes he got into it with her. He didn't like this insistent protection she had for him as if he were a child, as if he were her little brother, just imagining this could make him feel sick, especially after they got older, because that was when when he actually saw Mikasa as a woman.

A remarkable woman, so remarkable that it wasn't just him who saw it too. Even though she didn't give a damn, Mikasa was coveted by several boys, in the locker rooms and in the cadet dormitories, if the subject was girls she was always the first to be mentioned, everyone found her attractive, her sullen and closed manner made her mysterious, interesting, charming, it caught the attention of any teenage boy, not only that, she was so talented and efficient. Mikasa was a goddess with her stunning black hair, with her muscular body and a full bust.

And he saw it, he saw it every day and it was torturous in a way he couldn't realize. Seeing her being targeted and desired by a line of boys was cruel, he felt so angry that he didn't know where to put it. Now, occasionally he thinks that this is why he was sometimes so harsh and ignorant towards her at times, he directed the rage of jealousy he felt towards her.

And it was frustrating. Thinking about all the times he was rough with her.

He was so stupid.

"I'm sorry." He has no idea when he got up and went to the kitchen, but he is standing still in front of Mikasa. She’s still in her nightgown but is well groomed, she wears an apron around her waist and holds two cups in her hand which she intends to place under the well-positioned table.

She seemed confused by what Eren had said.

“What do you mean?” She rests the cups under the table and moves a little closer to him.

‘Oh, she might be thinking I’m talking about last night’ his mind responds instantly.

“About everything, I mean, I, about when I-” Eren starts to stumble over his words because he thinks he's giving her the wrong impression and that's making him desperate now because she's looking at him waiting for him to speak. “All these years, I was an asshole to you” It was the quickest thing he could think of to say.

“Why are you saying that?” She tilts her head to the side, she looks so innocent and it breaks his heart a little, why would he do something like that to her? She doesn't deserve any of these things.

“I…” He sighs frustrated and walks to the table, sitting on one of the two wooden chairs “I wasn’t the person I wanted to be with you during these years, now I don’t have time to fix what I did, the way I belittled your care and affection towards me, I… I'm sorry” He spits and watches her sit down facing him.

“Eren, there's nothing you need to apologize about” She seemed so sure of what she was saying, it surprised him. He didn't think about many reactions because he didn't think about anything when he said that, he just let himself be carried away by his mind.

“I just wanted you to know that…”

"I understand"

“Understand what?”

“You had a lot on your mind, and you were never the sweetest person in the world either” He exhales nasally and so does she as if they thought it was funny, it was true, he was never a caring person, not in the usual way. “I never felt belittled by you. Never." This deeply relieves him, even though he thinks Mikasa said that just to reassure him.

Are you sure?” He looks his eyes straight into hers. Her face is calm and loving, as always, which burns his heart, he doesn't know if it warms him or sets it on fire.

“Yes” She searches for his hand that was relaxing on the small table and places a soft caress on them. “I promise you.”

He returns the affection that Mikasa places on his hands, he watches her delicate thumbs rub against the back of his hand, the way she touches him is tender and somehow nostalgic. He closes his eyes. He feels her lips trace serene kisses across his fingers while she still holds his hand. He breathes.

“I just… I don’t deserve you” Eren whispers with his eyes still closed. He knows that this is the truth, but he is too selfish not to stay with her, there was not even a chance of this not happening now, but the remorse that he carries in his chest about all the things that have happened and even the things that could have happened would never disappear and he knew that very well.

“Hey” She calls him in the tone of the whisper he gave, he opens his eyes. “Don't say that” Now she's the one who looks for his shy eyes in the hope that he looks for hers too, and he does. "I love you." This also comes out as a whisper, but the house was so silent that Eren could swear that her words echoed everywhere in that cabin, in the curtains, in the firewood, in the oven, in the wood on the ceiling. At least for him.

She loves him, she actually did and he is more sure of that today than he was yesterday, and he will be more sure of that tomorrow than today. Her mind hadn't rested for a minute that night, unlike Eren who slept wonderfully well, Mikasa couldn't sleep even once. She couldn't stop enjoying the sensation of lying on the man she loves, she couldn't help but think about his tongue using hers, his hands taking an ethereal tour on her body which was full of new sensations that she didn't know she was capable to feel; It was as if she had spent her entire life climbing a mountain and then there, finally she reached the top and could have a panoramic view. It was pure feelings.

And while she thought about it, Eren could swear he was listening to their hearts beating in sync again, he lost his senses for a few moments. "Me too." He whispers back to her. She gives a disconcerted smile, she's not used to intimacy, neither of them are. They both have no idea what this is and how to live it.

She gently gets up from her seat, with Eren's hands still intertwined in hers, which makes him instinctively get up too.

They look at each other. It's strange.

It's so good. It's so suffocating. It's so tempting.

He's so handsome, Mikasa can swear his lips are shining.

She rests her hands on his face as she brings her body closer to his. She feels his breath on her face. She watches him close his eyes. She kisses him.

‘And she remembers when she met him. It was so clear to her that he was the only one for her. Both of them knew right away. And as the years went by, things became more difficult. They were faced with more challenges. And she begged him to stay. He was charismatic, magnetic, electric, and everyone knew it when he walked. Every woman's head turned, everyone stood up to talk to him. He was like this hybrid, this mixture of a man who couldn't contain himself. She always had the feeling that he had become torn. Between being a good person and losing all the opportunities that life could offer to a man as magnificent as him. And in that way, she understood him. And she loved him. She loved him, she loved him, she loved him. And she still loves him. She loves him.’

Notes:

pls this is not plagiarism of lana del rey's poetry, i just thought it fit well on the final of that 😭 see you in the next one <3