Archive of Our Own ^beta

Gerard thinks this whole thing with Pete isn't going to last past the autumnal equinox. Pete's love is powered by the sun and as it starts to droop lower and lower in the sky, Gerard is sure Pete's affection towards his brother will start to wane as well. Not that Gerard is wishing for the demise of what might be the best relationship his brother has ever had (and isn't that something? Pete Wentz of Chicago scene fame makes his brother leave the bottle in the cupboard before going onstage, drunk on something stronger).

Gerard climbs onto the bus, craving a shower and possibly some peace and quiet. He's two steps in when he sees Pete pressed up into Mikey's side (fuck the heat and fuck the fact that they're both in jeans) in a way that Gerard knows is going to end with fingers pressed into pulse points, and laughs pressed into mouths.

He's been there. He sang that song, done that dance, broken his heart like that.

"Hey," he says to his brother, whom he loves and cherishes and has protected his entire life, "Whatcha doing there?"

"Nothin'," his lying brother says to his face.

Gerard nods. And then turns to leave them alone.

Sang that song. Doesn't want to hear the chorus again.

The next morning after they've pulled into stop one-hundred-and-whatever-the-fuck of this never ending summer, when it's just My Chemical Romance on the My Chemical Romance bus, as it should be, Gerard catches Mikey as he's pulling a jacket on.

"Are you happy?" He asks his brother. It's the best he can sum up his worries.

Mikey rolls his eyes, "It's Warped Gee, how happy can I be?" It's a non-answer, but it's not the words that tell Gerard the truth, but the flippant way he throws them out before running out the door to spend time with someone whose primary trait can be described as ‘A Lot’.

Mikey's got the reason he's happy waiting for him outside.

Mikey leaves Gerard smoking his cigarette. Not everyone might like Pete, but his brother seems to. Gerard's not sure how to feel about that. Both of them are getting famous in a way that will make it harder and harder to make friends. Mikey’s got someone to keep him out of the six square feet of bus they share.

Gerard waits. He's got enough shit in his own head to sort out, but he always stays looking at Mikey. Mikey in the stage right peripheral of his vision and waits for the day the Sidekick stops singing with messages.

He knows heartbreak and he's sure Mikey will be fine.

·

Gerard is not sure Mikey will be fine.

Gerard can only fix what Mikey tells him is wrong but his brother isn't talking. He isn't doing anything. He wakes up in silence – the only noises out of him are the strummed notes from his bass, then it's back to his bed.

The mattress is stealing his brother away from him as Mikey gets stiller and stiller as the days go by. Gerard is worried one day he won't move at all.

Ray says that Mikey just needs time. Time and distance and Mikey has the distance part down pretty good. Gerard would say England is pretty fucking far from Chicago. Ray might be Mikey's best friend, but Gerard knows his brother like the chorus of Turnstiles, and this isn't normal Mikey sad. This isn't like the time Gerard broke their Nintendo before Mikey could finish Crash Bandicoot. This isn't like the time Mikey failed a class or was caught sneaking back from a show or got punched in the face or had the Federal Bureau of Investigation questioning him or any of the other things Mikey's been sad about in the past. This is something Gerard can't name because Mikey won't tell him what's wrong.

Gerard does the only thing he has left in him. He gets angry.

Who is Pete Wentz to come in and ruin his brother's life? They are in Europe with their band. This is supposed to be their dream come true. Mikey has worked too hard and come too far to waste away over a guy who can't even apply eyeliner right.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Gerard went through this last summer so Mikey would never- Mikey is smarter than Gerard by a thousand times. He remembers the gut wrenching feeling of not good enough. The realization that someone isn't going to fight for you and that maybe, you're not worth the work. That you're Too Much.

Gerard wishes someone would have stood up and yelled at Ber- at him for Gerard. Wishes he would have done what it took to be with Gerard instead of giving up. Wishes that his past self was smart enough to know it wasn't going to be more than a casual thing. Wishes the Way brother's summer radio hit wasn't being left behind by guys with shitty black hair.

Gerard waits until Mikey is solidly asleep before stealing his phone from his disorganized pile of clothes. He steps out onto the street and thinks about how they should be eating strange pastries and talking Frank down from backflipping into a canal and not worrying if they are going to 5150 his brother, his little brother.

Mikey is not happy, so Gerard is not happy.

Gerard doesn't care what long distance minutes’ cost. His brother is worth however long it takes to make sure Pete is having just as shitty of a time as Mikey is. If Gerard has to haunt Pete Wentz as an AIM based albatross, then let him add it to the list of everything else he must do to forget the pain.

Gerard finds Pete's contact and rings it.

It rings once.

"Mikey?" Gerard's rage makes him miss the fact Pete's voice cracks.

"You're a piece of shit, Wentz. I hope you know you will never deserve anything as good as what he could give you."

Gerard is an artist and his masterpiece is the vitriol he spills over the phone line flooding the Atlantic to the shores of Chicago with the hatred he pins on Pete.
Hatred for Pete giving up his brother so easily.
Hatred for the sun bleeding Warped dry.
Hatred for himself for not dragging Mikey away as soon as he made eye contact with Pete across the bishop stage. It's a bishop checkmate, and Mikey lost the fucking game.

"I hope you never forget Wentz. I hope you are cursed to remember him forever."

He hangs up before he can get a response.

·

The response comes three days later.

Gerard and Frank are sitting on the bed opposite of Mikey. Or Gerard should say, Mikey's balled up form covered by blankets is dead to the world. If Gerard didn't know that the rotting smell emanating from him was the usual stench of touring, he would have been concerned.

Not that he wasn't two points short of terrified already. There are brief moments, when he and Frank are pressed against each other watching niche black and white German horror movies on pay per view, that Gerard forgets he's supposed to be filled with rage. He remembers, and then he's filled with guilt that he allowed himself to have fun while his brother is going through a heartbreak you never really heal from. He feels if he worries enough, Mikey will be fine. The occupancy of Mikey's hurt in his brain is a penance.

It's him and Frank and his guilt on one bed, and Mikey who may or may not be asleep on the other and the German vampire speaking German on the TV, when there's a knock on the door. Frank looks at Gerard for answers, but Gerard hasn't ordered anything and Ray has a room key. He gets up to see if maybe it's Brian or Worm or fuck it, Shaquile O'Neal.

It's neither.
It's Pete.
Gerard would have bet on Shaq being a likelier option.

"What are you doing here?" Frank asks from where he shadowed Gerard to the door.
Gerard is thinking that same thing.

"I uh", Pete must have had at least forty-eight hours to think of something, "I came to see if Mikey- if he could talk."

Gerard pushes Pete out into the hall and slams the door behind them. They stare at each other in absolute silence before Gerard turns around, opens the door, pulls Frank out, and slams the door again.

"What are you doing?" Gerard asks Pete as Frank stands next to him, eyeing Pete up and down.

"I need to see Mikey," Pete says, like some sort of factual statement. It's both an order and a desperate plea that sets Gerard on edge. He was not ready for this interaction. He's eternally thankful for Frank at his side. He's calm and collected, unlike Gerard who wants to spew FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. Frank raises his eyebrow in the way that says Pete is going to have to do better.

"You don't just get to see Mikey," Frank says, getting on board the anti-Pete train, no questions asked. Gerard's not sure how much Frank knows, but he does have eyes and more than two brain cells and has looked at Mikey in the past two weeks.

Gerard takes Pete in and notices that he kind of looks like shit. Fall Out Boy is too far out from touring for it to be the deep set ick of living on the road. This is a kind of grime that comes from the inside, from the sick desire to make your worst thoughts about yourself true. Gerard's looking in a mirror and he hates that for a second he feels something like compassion towards Pete.

Pete doesn't get to be sad. Pete broke Mikey. Pete caused all this so Pete should be sad, but not sad here, where Gerard can see and understand and Gerard would really like it if Pete went home now. This is complicating the narrative. If Pete is sad, that means he knows Mikey means something to him, that he wants Mikey the way most men want a wife. That means Pete feels the same way Mikey does, but if Pete loved Mikey – why the fuck are they in this shitty situation?

"You're right," Pete starts. "Mikey is the kind of forever you don't let run away- or go tour in Europe without like, promising he's not gonna run off with some hot Italian sound tech."

"Why did you break up with him then?" Gerard asks.

"Do we really have to talk about this?" Pete replies. Gerard can't help but notice he loves looking at the shitty carpet and not Gerard, or worse, Frank.

"Yes, otherwise I'm not letting you in," Frank says, putting himself in the doorway, acting as a five-foot bouncer. The best part is Pete actually looks intimidated. Gerard thinks that when this is over he needs to fucking, get Frank a Nobel Prize in Friendship or something.

"We weren't, it wasn't like that," Pete tries to explain. There's a desperation creeping into his voice. "We allowed it to be what it was, a summer tragedy."

Gerard flinches at that. "So you knew you were going to fuck up my brother from the beginning?" There's the rage again.

Pete seems restless, like his body is pushing to say something his words can't. "No! If I knew I wasn't going to be the one getting hurt in the end I never would have-” He can't seem to find something for his hands to do, “I thought I was the one who would write the album in the end, you know? I thought- no one ever gets heartbroken when I leave. When I leave the room it's a relief."

He looks at Gerard finally, so much pleading in his eyes for Gerard to understand. The black under his eyes not from a pencil, his greased out hair, the way his fingernails are bitten to the core, the sadness bleeding from him.

"I thought it would be nice for him, you know, I could treat him well enough, have a fun summer and then he goes and finds someone he wants to keep around. I'm… I'm the summer fling guy and Mikey's..." Pete pauses and murmurs the last part, a truth a little too honest for Pete, "Mikey's the guy you keep."

Pete has a case of hating himself, which in this scene is often seen as the romantic notion of a tortured poet. Gerard can't throw many stones from his glass house so he glares a little less self-righteously as he asks, "So what now?"

"Now I want to tell him the truth," Pete answers and Gerard wishes he was lying, but earnestness is rolling off Pete. He looks at Frank. He needs someone to be the bad guy here because Gerard is slowly starting to think that even if just for a moment, if he opens that door Mikey will experience a modicum of happiness.

"Which is?" Frank asks, because Frank is the best. Pete rubs his tongue along his teeth and once again looks like he is in pain. Which Gerard would be too if he had to have this conversation. But if Pete wanted an easy life he would have held onto Mikey with a grip that bruised.

Now, Gerard feels like Pete is stalling from saying his bit, "Do I really have to say it twice?" Pete asks.

"Give me the Cliff Notes version," Gerard tells him because despite what the internet thinks, he is not a soulless monster. He also is scared that Pete might actually be here to fix things and there's nothing more stomach turning then hope. He needs to be sure. He needs to be so fucking positive if he opens that door Pete is going to be able to fix all of this.

"I want to do this right. I want him to call me when he's sad and if I don't pick up, I'll always call him back,” Pete’s speaking too fast to be thinking, “and I want to see him for his birthday, and I think I love the little moments specifically because he's there. I want to be his person. I want to be his."

Gerard feels bile pile in the pit of his stomach. Oh fuck. He can't turn Pete away now, with his heart bleeding in his hands and his broken glass words vomited between them. Pete's serious, and Gerard has never seen him be this serious except for things he knows to be true: his band, Patrick's singing, and his unwavering desire to love Gerard's brother. So there's a chance Mikey can get the forever he deserves, but there's no guarantee Mikey will take him back.

"He might say no. You left, didn't call," Gerard feels like he owes Pete the out, as a final test. Frank looks at him like he's crazy. And maybe he is. But he's the same kind of crazy as Pete who showed up here, and fuck it, showing up has to count for something.

"He might. Fuck, he should. But he'd know then, he'd know it's not because I don't love him," Pete says.

"It's because you're a fucking idiot," Frank says.

"Yeah," Pete murmurs and has the decency to look slightly ashamed.

Gerard knows now that Pete's not here for himself. Pete's here for Mikey. Pete loves Mikey past himself, past the vibrado and the tabloids and is offering himself up for rejection in the hopes Mikey knows he deserves to be loved. What more can Gerard ask him to say?

Gerard opens the door.

If Pete is going to fight to keep his brother, who is he to stop him. Mikey deserves someone who would fly thousands of miles to beg for him. Mikey deserves a movie moment and Gerard is going to let him have it.

Gerard leads them in and can't help but feel like he's walking into some creature's gaping maw. Gerard is made of hope even when he doesn't want to be, believing in the best things like happy endings.

“Hey Mikey,” Gerard says softly, “Someone's here to see you.”

Mikey's head picks up, squinting in the light. He looks at Gerard before recognizing the figure beside him. Even blinded, his eyes know Pete. Mikey peels himself off the hotel mattress, the memory of Pete keeping him pinned to it – while real life Pete is pulling him off, caught in both directions by one man.

"Pete?" Mikey says, his voice scratchy and new.
Pete, never one to let silence run dry, lets a helpless smile curl onto his face as he looks at his brother.

"Hey, Mikey."

Gerard opens his mouth to make a polite bow out but Mikey shoots him a look that reminds Gerard that before Mikey was a heart throb bassist he was his little brother. He stays standing just inside the room, Frank pressed to his side.

"What are you doing here?" Mikey asks. He crawls into a standing position and Gerard notices him casually trying to pull himself together, to look like he's cool and aloof and unaffected. Mikey and Pete; twin disasters staring at each other.

"I don't want to have a summer fling," Pete blurts out.

Mikey looks like he was slapped. "Well, it's a little late for regrets Pete. I'm sorry if you-"

"No, that's not-" Pete cuts him off loudly. He rubs his hand through his dark hair sending it in all directions, the hairspray old and stale. "Mikey..." It's a whine for help in a language Gerard doesn't speak. It's a call for Mikey to understand Pete in a way that transcends language. They've been apart too long and the fluency stutters.

Gerard almost feels bad for Pete, for someone in a so-called emo band Pete is very bad with his emotions.

"Pete I can't, I can't do this again. Please don't make me-" Mikey shoves his fingers into his eyes to stop himself from crying and Gerard wants to open his mouth to stop the whole thing. He bites the inside of his cheek, hard, and knows it will be difficult to sing tomorrow. Mikey sits down on the edge of the bed and just takes one long breath that catches at the very end.

"Mikey, " Pete says again. He sits down on the bed next to Mikey, reaches out to hold him, to ease his pain, and Gerard sees the horrible realization dawn on his face that he is the pain.

"Mikey," Every time Pete says his name it's with a little more heartbreak in it and Gerard's worried he's just going to see The Pete and Mikey Break Up 2: Electric Boogaloo.

Pete leans into Mikey, pressing himself against his side in a way only they find comfortable. His head clicks into place, forehead pressed to Mikey's cheek and Gerard sees that Mikey eyes are closed and his fists are clenched, but the white knuckle grip twitches towards Pete.

"I want you for it all Mikey," Pete speaks in a whisper meant for Mikey only, and Gerard wishes he had more hearing loss so he could give his brother this moment alone, "I want you in summer and in winter and every Halloween until I'm fucking old and gross. I want you on tour and when I sell out and host reality TV shows. I want you when you can't eat anything and when I can't stomach my meds and I can never decide on anything but Mikey," Pete takes Mikey’s hand. Mikey lets his tight grip fall away, their fingers sliding together like legs between sheets. Pete pulls back to look Mikey in the eye, determined, like he's already convinced Mikey and this is just the encore, "I know we said it wouldn't work, and it would all end with us hating each other, but I can't be just friends with you anyway and I can't lose you without saying I gave it my everything. I want you past the summer, past when it's easy. I want you, in all seasons."

That must have been what Pete was working on for the past 48 hours.

"I can't believe you flew here. What is this? The Family Man?" Mikey chokes out.

"I'd run through an airport for you. You don't think I would?" Pete's grinning at Mikey, looking at him like he's in love with the sun.

Mikey snorts, "Like you could run for any amount of distance," Pete laughs at that. He takes Mikey's other hand, and Mikey lets him; lets Pete into his space again, and releases a breath like he can finally breathe.

"Say fuck it with me Mikey. Let's try, and if it all blows up in our face, then we know we gave it what we had. But I can't spend my life wondering if I could have had you forever. I'm not going to give you up mway."

"Pete," Mikey's always been realistic and Gerard can see the wisdom of the world bleeding out along with the tears in his eyes. He's always played it safer than the rest, played it all quietly where no one could see him fumble, "Pete, there are things-"

"Fuck the labels, and fuck the tabloids, and fuck the scene. It's just you and me, Mikey. The only thing I want is for you to try. I know that's a lot," Pete squeezes Mikey’s hand and shakes his head, "I know I am a lot, but everything feels smaller next to you. It feels like a world I can manage and if that means being fucking gay, then I will be gay for you-"

Pete gets down on his knees in front of Mikey, both of Mikey's hands clasped in his, holding Mikey's spindly fingers in his own. Knelt in front of him Pete looks up and asks, unafraid to be desperate for Mikey,

"Please. Please, just let me love you."

Gerard holds his breath and looks at his brother. Gerard wants to scream at Mikey, tell him to grab Pete and sew their bodies together, but also to push him away and never get hurt again and Gerard realizes he has no control. Mikey has to make the choice. Mikey, who is openly staring at Pete.

"Okay," Mikey chokes out. "Okay, I can do that."

Pete's smile could crack open the Earth, all crinkles around his eyes as he grabs Mikey. Mikey who he can now hold and touch and hug. Mikey wraps his arms around Pete, muscles pulled tight in a show of strength Gerard never sees when they’re carrying amps on stage. He pulls Pete not so much to him, but inside him, pushing his body like he wants their chests to go through each other.

"Fuck it," Mikey whispers into Pete's cheek, "It's just us."

·

Mikey gets married in the summer.

Patrick calls it a shotgun wedding, but Gerard's not sure if that works. Call him delusional, call him a romantic, call him a fucking fag on the cover of Spin magazine, but despite Pete Wentz's track record, he doesn't think this is a spontaneous decision.

Gerard has watched them closely, through Warped and the sailless sea after where, if not for Pete's specifically channeled mania, they might have stagnated into the doldrums. The longing becomes a sea too deep to cross.

There is a discernable pattern behind Pete, the hurricane of emotion that crashes onto the beaches of whatever venue he's at.

When it comes to Mikey this much is true: Pete is careful.

When he said he'd try, it was not in the sense that he would give it the old I-dropped-out-of-college try and two-blow-jobs-and-a-love-song later would be out. There's a distance he keeps between the truth and the public. Between the MikeyandPete that exists behind closed doors that threatens to spill out of his lips in interviews, Pete shows things like: restraint, hesitation, and thought.

So Patrick might be seeing Pete chuck his bass into Andy's drum kit every weekend as Fall Out Boy climbs the charts and America's social interest, but Gerard sees Pete in a habitat no one else has enclosed him in: the sidelines.

For Mikey, Pete has learned to be quiet, out of sight. Gerard sees him wearing a Carhartt jacket, sitting next to the lighting guys, just another tech for the show. He's flushed himself against the background, his full attention on Mikey playing bass onstage, a smile stuck on his face and a sickening look of love in his eyes. After the show Pete will stay later then he should, pushing Mikey’s hair into a bird's nest and wearing the skin of Mikey’s cheek down with his thumb, awestruck still.

"You're gonna miss your plane man," Frank tells Pete from where he's sitting on the couch, fucking with a distortion pedal.

"Eh, I can always get another," Pete says, even as Mikey pulls him towards the door by his belt loops.

The thing he can't replace is left unsaid, but Gerard looks at Pete and knows he understands. He's got something and he's not going to ever lose it again.

For Pete, Mikey has learned how to plant his feet. To allow himself to stay long enough to grow roots. To pick up the phone and call when he's lonely. Mikey is giving himself to Pete, letting Pete take parts of him, raw and wet flesh in his hands, dripping out the door. His heart walks away with Pete each time and he has this unfathomable trust that Pete will bring it back.

They're somewhere in Australia when it happens, because of course they are, Gerard can never have familiar scenery to have a breakdown in. They're all still riding the high from the Grammy nominations as Fall Out Boy, and thus Pete Wentz (unofficial groupie of MCR) is now "Grammy Nominated". Gerard thought Pete was more fuck-the-man than that, but Mikey seemed thrilled by it. And if Mikey is happy, Gerard is happy.

Until Mikey shows up one night wearing a ring.

It clicks so loudly into place Gerard doesn't know how he didn't think of it before. Everything shifts into its final takeoff position.

That night on stage he's singing into a wall of screaming noise, blinded by the reflection from his brother's left ring finger. He pushes Mikey around stage, the beat still steady, his hand pushing against the fretboard and Gerard wonders how no one else can see the spotlight emanating from his hand. Mikey says nothing and Gerard says a lot of words into his microphone, none of them the ones he really wants to say at the moment. His voice is so loud yet he can't talk to his brother six feet away from him, who feels more distant then the teenagers in the crowd.

When did it get like this?

He feels like Mikey should have told him and wonders if he lost his little brother.

Afterwards, they go see the opera house instead of talking about it. Gerard and Mikey are sitting on a bench facing the channel watching a cruise ship sail away while Frank and Ray get vegan gelato. Mikey has his hands in the pocket of his sweatshirt, which he's wearing despite the fact it's the middle of summer down here, and Gerard is sweating uncomfortably, not all due to the heat.

Gerard has so many questions spinning in his head. Have you called mom? When did this happen? Is it like, legal? Are you having some sort of service? If so when? Did you already? When did this happen? But the only one that comes out is.

"Are you happy?" He feels the words coming out of his throat before he knows what he's getting himself into. He's exhausted and scared and just wants to know if Mikey is happy, or did Gerard fuck up his brother's life by wanting to start a band?

Mikey freezes next to him, looking at him eyes wide and caught off guard. Gerard waits, Mikey gets to decide what this conversation is. If he laughs Gerard off, says something to diminish the abominable weight, Gerard thinks they might forever be bandmates instead of brothers, and he doesn't know if he can handle that. But it's Mikey's choice and Gerard has to let him make it.

He watches as Mikey's carefully constructed face, always in a position just left of apathetic, stutters for a second before falling apart into a smile that breaks across his face like the fucking dawn, it's so bright.

Mikey's nods vigorously and inhales on a hiccup and then suddenly he's got a couple tears running down his face and Gerard can't help but pull him into a tight hug, letting out a gasp of relief. Mikey just keeps nodding into Gerard's shoulder, his stuttering chest hitting Gerard's.

"I want to be this happy for a long time Gee," Mikey whispers, "I am tired of not feeling like enough," he takes a breath, "and with him I am everything. Even the worst bits about me, he loves them too."

He feels wetness run against his own cheek and realizes he's crying too, because of Pete-fucking-Wentz of all people.

"I know we can make it Gee. I know I'm never going to have to be anything other than myself to be happy," Mikey finishes, his grip tight around Gerard.

Gerard wonders what that kind of love must feel like.

"Are you mad?" Mikey asks, so childlike it breaks Gerard's heart.

"No Mikey," Gerard squeezes his brother tighter, "Of course not. I just want to be part of your life. I don't want you to hide."

Mikey pulls back and Gerard allows his brother a moment to pull himself together. He wipes his face dry with the sleeves of his sweatshirt which Gerard realizes is a Clandestine hoodie, because of course it is. His brother is sewn together by Pete Wentz. Mikey lets out a laugh and says, "Really emo now, aren't we."

“I think we're allowed a little emo," Gerard says laughing back. Mikey snorts out a laugh.

"So?" He looks at Mikey expectantly and Mikey looks back at him in confusion, "Are you gonna let me see the ring?" He says slowly.

Gerard has not had the esteemed opportunity to properly embarrass his little brother in years. Being a superbly cool older sibling who lives in the basement like the Baba Yaga had Gerard skipping out on embarrassing Mikey in public. He now is very excited to be able to cash in his checks.

Mikey pulls out his hand and sticks it out. Gerard leans over and dramatically inspects it.

"Wow, so nice to see it for the first time and not on stage while I'm trying to sing an entire setlist," Mikey laughs at that, which was the point, this should be a happy moment.

"Sorry," Mikey says blushing.

It's a band of gold and black and it's so Pete, but it's Pete's love for Mikey and Gerard wonders what's wrapped around Pete's finger right now.

"We can't get married for real," Mikey starts, "so it's... it's for us. It's all made up anyway. It's real because we say it is."

Gerard wants to ask The Big Question. The one that would change the most things. Gerard would never deny his brother anything, but this one would make Mikey talk about things not as a person, but as a bassist in a band.

"Are you going to tell people?" Gerard asks. He wishes he didn't have to ask. He wishes they could post the news on their MySpace. He wishes Mikey didn't have to choose between having a husband or being famous.

Mikey's quiet for a second. He spins the ring around in his finger.

"He wanted to thank me, if they win in February at the Grammy’s. He wants to thank me as his husband," Mikey says.

Gerard lets out an over the top sigh, "Oh good, we're safe then," Mikey shoves him. "But seriously, this is big, not bad big," Gerard makes sure to clarify, "but if you want to tell people we'll make it work." Gerard will kiss Frank on stage every fucking night if it means the homophobes will spit at him instead of Mikey.

"We talked and it's just, it's the thought, you know? I want to have a husband. I want to be a husband. I want him,” Mikey stresses, “I'm so fucking afraid of so much Gee, but him- shit, it's like, the one thing that I know I'm going to have forever. I can lose the band, I can lose myself but-" Mikey's looks at him and in his eyes is something domestic and peaceful, "I've got him. And we'll figure it out."

Gerard wants that kind of blind confidence, no, that kind of trust. The trust to walk into a storm and come out the other side unscathed. A thought runs down his spine – that maybe he hadn't been seeing as much as he thought.

"If they don't win, then he's married to me, and that’s the biggest win he could ask for. We'll know, and that's what it's for," Mikey finishes.

"Are those Pete's words?" Gerard asks.

Mikey grins. "I'm cutting out the part about how he wants to be the last person to blow me before I die, but yeah."

"Mikey, Jesus, don't say that shit," Gerard groans.

"Hey, at least Brian will never have to worry about a pregnancy scare from me," Mikey says. "Just a husband and maybe a dog. And I think that's good enough for me."

Gerard wishes for a lot, laser guns, time travel, the LIRR to run on time, but nothing more than to be able to give his brother a real wedding. A wedding and a life in the sun and an eternity playing at his right hand, but America sucks homophobic ass and they're about to head to New Zea-

He turns to Mikey, adrenaline suddenly shot through his blood, and asks, "How fast do you think Pete can get on a flight?"

·

They decide on Wellington. A summer wedding in the middle of January is a feat that fits so snugly around PeteandMikey, Gerard wonders if soulmates are real. If they are, Mikey is someone who deserves a soulmate. Deserves to be whole.

It's not a wedding but it's a real legal union between the two of them courtesy of the New Zealand government. There's paperwork. Nothing says everlasting romance like paperwork. That shit's forever.

The pyro tech, a funny Kiwi girl, turns out to be notarized. She gets the civil union paperwork and a gel pen. The other roadies pour out their pockets, coins they can't use and Blackcurrant Raro packets they can, all wedding gifts to the happy couple. It feels like the perfect guest registry, chaotic but so thoughtful Gerard feels like he might cry.

They're standing together surrounded by hardcore kids and scene junkies, the members of MCR and Fall Out Boy alike, people who can play drums and merch folks. People who love them and also Gabe Saporta.

Gerard's not sure how he's here.

The pyro tech, Gerard should really learn her name, she's marrying his brother, has Pete and Mikey join hands and asks if either of them want to say anything before. They both reach out and grab each other, pulling themselves closer, becoming one union, a single person in two bodies.

His brother smiles carefully, shakey and new like a foul, like he's allowed to be happy out loud. He's looking at Pete the way everyone wants to be looked at once in their life, with absolute devotion and admiration.

"Ashes to ashes Wentz."

And Pete's so still. He's frozen in place looking up at Mikey, the echo of stage lights splashed across his wide eyed stare. He starts to feel fear bubbling up in his stomach that Pete is going to back out and claim this was a mistake.

But then he sees how white Wentz knuckles are. How they are clinging to his brother. Gerard thinks Pete Wentz might hold onto his brother for the rest of his life. The thought isn't as terrible as it was six months ago.

"For all seasons Mikey," Pete says.

And then the rings are on.
(Again.)

And then Gerard doesn't share a name with Mikey anymore.

Gerard worries. Mikey's been called slurs before, they all have, but not with a wedding ring from another man on their finger. One clutched tightly before he goes on stage, spun round and round like a rotary landline calling home.

Life stays loud but their marriage stays quiet. Mikey didn't say much in interviews before, and he is certainly not giving out information now.

A month passes and then two and then six, and maybe the world cares less than he thought about the going-ons of two bassists from a dying scene.

·

Gerard didn't know he would have to cash Pete in so quickly. Which, yes, is a fucked way to think of it, but Gerard needs help carrying this problem from someone with stronger arms.

They're at the Paramour Mansion and Gerard can't believe the artistry of a place like this. Everything sings with someone's crafted hands and Gerard’s never been more inspired to create something, anything, to last as long as the delicate carvings on the mantles or the chandeliers.

Three Cheers was grief disguised as a concept, but now Gerard feels in him a fucking novel, a saga, a something Gerard will be proud of. He feels like he's found a way to keep his demons inside his chest. Here, surrounded by the macabre he feels fearless. He sleeps little and writes more, sometimes crashing into Ray's bedroom pointing at a piece of paper and asking him to play.

Pete sends Mikey letters, USPS letters, that Mikey waits by the post box for like some war widow- actually that's a good idea. Gerard should write that down.

Gerard sees out of the corner of his eye the stress and the drinking to cope again and the phone bill to Pete and the blog posts from Pete encouraging his brother; a poet speaking to an audience of one. He files away that his brother, newly married, should probably be with his husband but it's the band, and Gerard is his brother. Gerard knows Mikey can't give up the band. Gerard will wake up with Mikey passed out on the floor next to his bed and it reminds him of Mikey, so young and small, crawling into bed with him and asking Gerard to tell him a story. Gerard's voice would lull his younger brother to sleep, Mikey safe and sound.

Gerard keeps asking how Mikey is and not looking too closely at the cracks because everything has always been fine in the end.

Mikey’s fine.

Mikey is fine until Mikey is standing in front of him saying, "I can't be here" and all Gerard can hear is "I can't be here with you."

He's is standing in front of Gerard, eyes rimmed red, but this time with tears instead of eyeshadow. Gerard can't help but note he's wearing the same Clandestine hoodie as that night on the bench, pulling the now ratted sleeves over his hands.

"I can't do this anymore Gee. I just can't," Mikey says to him and Gerard doesn't know what he could possibly say to that.

Gerard wants to be enough for his brother, enough of a front man, of a person, to weather this storm together with Mikey. He feels Mikey and him are growing apart. Mikey is married, half of a whole, sewn into the seams of someone else's life, and Gerard... Gerard needs Mikey more than Mikey needs Gerard now.

Gerard grabs the rotary phone off the entryway table and calls the other half of Mikey.

"Hello?" Pete says, voice distorted by the old phone.

"Mikey says he wants to leave the band," Gerard is trying not to weep at Pete, but he's willing to throw his dignity under the bus if Pete promises to help. "I don't know what to do."

"Gerard, what's going on?" Pete asks.

"Mikey said he wants to leave," If Pete makes him say it again he's going to start making ugly throat noises.

"Is he okay? Gerard, is Mikey okay?" Pete's voice comes out crackled with the sharp notes of panic.

"Yeah, he's- he's fine. He's out in the garden, but Pete, I don't know what to do," Gerard tells him.

"I'm not- I'm not following."

Gerard slides down the old reception desk, dragging the cord down with him.

"He's so quiet Pete. Why can't I be enough for him anymore? He's here and he can't sleep and he's cold all the time. He was smiling and warm and alive and I can't keep my little brother alive anymore," Gerard knows he's dramatic but right now all he is feeling is deep set grief that is hollowing him out. "How do you know what to say to him? I've grown up with him my whole life and he feels like a stranger. You know him better than I do now. How is that possible?"

"Hey, that's not true and you know it," Pete says and Gerard feels like a child, "You guys have that mind reading shit that no matter how much spit we swap is never gonna happen."

Gerard flinches, "Ew. Gross."

Pete laughs. "I think you're thinking about this wrong," Pete tells him kindly, "You know him as your little brother and I know him as Mikey. He's always just been Mikey to me."

How strange it is to have Pete Wentz talking him down from a panic attack.

"Did he tell you?" Gerard asks, because he loves to hurt himself.

Pete sighs, "He told me a lot. I'm- I'm coming tomorrow."

Gerard feels white hot panic wash through his veins. "Why didn't he tell me Pete? What did I do wrong? How did I let it get this bad?"

"He looks up to you Gerard. He doesn't want you to see how much he's hurting."

"That's my job!"

'Is it?" Pete asks, "Listen Gerard I'm not, I'm not the one who should be saying this, fuck, please just talk to him. You're not gonna be able to make him happy all the time. Fuck it, I'm not gonna be able to do that and I voluntarily signed up to try. But your only job is to make music, and if this is how you gotta do it, then do it – and let Mikey do what he needs to do in order to deal with things."

"Things are going so well," Musically he means, and he wants to pretend that means everyone is as happy and fucking passionate as he is, "Why can't he see that?"

"You are living in a haunted house Gerard. Have you ever thought that maybe Mikey's not you?" Pete asks, slightly exasperated.

"But he's my brother and I'm losing him,” Gerard cries. He feels ripped apart like he under some Roman torture, torn by two things he loves. "This is going to be the greatest thing this band does. I know it. I just need him to hold on a little longer."

"I'm not going to make my husband miserable Gerard," he says softly.

"What do I do?"

"You gotta let him go," Pete says.

"What if he never comes back?"

"Okay, I’m supposed to be the melodramatic one. He's your brother Gerard. He's depressed and freaked the fuck out by the ghost mansion you're making him live in," Pete says, exasperation seeping into his words. “He's not going to leave you forever.”

"How are you so sure about this?" Gerard wants to know when Pete started knowing everything.

"Because I speak fluent Mikey now. And, if anything happens to Mikey…” he trails off into a moment of silence, “I don't think I could ever forgive myself Gerard," Pete admits, "As much as I'm terrified of him walking away, I'm more terrified of what could happen if he doesn't. I don't-" Pete goes silent and Gerard wonders if the rotary phone has finally given out, "If I get the phone call from a hospital I- I would never recover from that."

Gerard knows, past the endless lagoon of anxiety, Pete's right. "Me either," He admits.

"Let me take care of my husband. You take care of the band. I promise I will bring him back."

Gerard nods, like Pete can see him. He knows what he has to do now.

Pete arrives the next day and Mikey comes out with his duffle bag, the strap biting into his boney shoulder. He drops the bag in favor of holding Pete in his arms. Despite being taller Mikey buries his face into Pete's neck and just lets Pete hold him, rocking back and forth slightly on the gravel, the sticky morning dew clinging to them all. Pete presses a series of kisses to Mikey's temple before looking at Gerard over Mikey's hunched shoulder. They nod at each other, knowing what has to happen.

Gerard passes off his brother and has to trust Pete. Trust that he will take care of him for the time being. Pete takes Mikey and promises Gerard he will bring him back. Pete puts Mikey into his car and they drive away.

Gerard goes back inside – and writes a song.

·

Pete, the fucking asshole, keeps his promise and then some. He goes and jumps on a grenade for Mikey; blowing himself up (spiritually and in the media) to allow Mikey to slip away, forgotten.

Mikey returns to Gerard with his quiet smile and the promise he'll play bass as long as there is a My Chemical Romance to play bass in. (He also makes him agree to put Disenchanted on the album, the little shit.)

Gerard wants to know what Pete did.

"He's just. He's Pete. He's my person. I needed my person." Is all Mikey says.

·

When Gerard marries Lindsey backstage after touring with her for three months, he suddenly understands Mikey. He understands the gut deep need.

He calls Mikey that night and over the phone whispers to him, I get it, I get it now.

·

The Black Parade tours for almost three years. That period of time is an indiscernible blur for Gerard. He remembers the smell of ginger tea, the sound of a train in Amsterdam, how his scalp felt with bleach on it. He remembers the poll held across the entire Decaydance clique that resulted with Mikey getting talked out of LASIK, and celebrating when his brother hit a million miles with American Airlines.

Lindsey gives birth and it is the best day of Gerard's life. Out of everything he's created, this small girl in his arms is the best thing by far.

Then, right as the Black Parade falls away as Gerard turns the page to a new album, Gerard finally thinks that he knows exactly where the band is going. He's confident nothing is going to break.

It's then, on a crisp fall day Mikey gets a call and says he has to get to Madison Square Garden.

He has to get there NOW.

·

Pete isn't in a band anymore which makes things both harder and easier for Gerard.

It's Patrick Stump of all people who pulls the emergency break and tells Wentz he won't sing again until they can do it with joy. A lot has been robbed of them, Gerard knows that much, but seeing Pete try to function without Fall Out Boy is like watching a millipede with no legs.

So Pete, unable to talk to his own band members, starts talking to Gerard's. Well, Mikey's, his husband's band, that Gerard just so happens to be a part of. Gerard has spent enough time with Frank to understand people who can't NOT be in a band and if Pete feels something positive standing over John the sound tech's shoulder, then John is just going to have to deal with it. Having Pete here makes Mikey happy and Gerard is not going to fuck with that.

Gerard will walk onto the bus and see PeteandMikey pressed together on the couch, Mikey running his hands through Pete's hair, and he will suddenly have a hot flash of the Arizona sun across a black top and feel the weight of a bulletproof vest across his chest. If he were to go farther back and run his tongue over his teeth he could taste ecstasy, cheap tequila, and Bert McCraken.

One time Pete is crying alone (the gross kind Gerard is familiar with). He's not sure if he should get Mikey or just sneak out the way he came. Then Pete apologizes for crying and chokes on the sorry, and that seems too sad even for Emo Sheriff Gerard Way, so he carefully sits down next to him.

“It's okay,” Gerard says, putting his hand on Pete's shoulder. “You're allowed to be sad.”

Gerard helps Pete get into things (besides staring at his brother's ass in his skin tight jeans, which still makes Gerard very uncomfortable five years later). He learns to cook. He starts learning French, murmuring things to Mikey before he goes on stage that make Mikey blush the same shade as Gerard's hair. Pete bleaches Mikey's hair once and decides to put a matching streak in his hair and calls it his "Mikey piece".

He learns to find joy in things again.

They move out of LA and to a small house in outer Jersey. It's close enough to Gerard where Mikey can come over for movie night but far enough that Frank isn't going to kill Pete for annoying him. Together they walk Hemingway through the park and no one trails Pete with a camera, or asks questions about two guys holding hands. It's as close to domestic as two rock stars could get.

As they work together, Pete talks to him. Guy won't shut up actually, and Gerard forgot how smart Pete is. That Pete, the guy who throws his body through holes in the wall, is really a business major who happened to be in a band. Pete has a charisma that pours from his body smoothing every bump in conversations that Gerard seems to build up into mountains with his social awkwardness. Pete sits with him and explains things to Gerard. Gerard learns that Pete knows more about the music industry than he does and that kind of floors him.

Gerard gives him a certain amount of respect when he sees him pointing out genuinely good ideas to their tour manager about how to do something with taxes or freight shipping. Gerard doesn't know. Gerard's not a business major.

If you asked Gerard before this, Pete has only really had one good idea in his life (marrying his brother). But maybe he's biased.

It isn't long before Gerard realizes he is friends with his brother in law. Who knew he would come to enjoy hanging out with Pete Wentz?

·

They're in Australia and Gerard's hair is red this time.

Mikey's wedding ring is worn now. No longer shiny and blinding on stage but a comfort that dulls the peaks – making life flow smoother. If he were to remove it there would be a stark line, a ghost ring taking its place. Mikey has been marked by the sun, blessed in his union.

The three of them are sitting on the grass at a park in Sydney. Gerard's organizing his notes app. Mikey is wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses and Pete is laying with his head in Mikey's lap, staring up at him. Mikey cards his fingers gently though Pete's hair as they talk about everything and nothing all at once. Just happy to be with each other.

"I talked to Patrick the other day," Pete says after a pause. Gerard can tell it catches Mikey off guard because he freezes for a second.

"A friend talk or a business talk?" Is Mikey's diplomatic response.

"He said he wants to meet in New York when we get home," Pete replies and this catches Mikey even more off guard.

"Whoa, Pete," There is a conversation happening here that Gerard can’t interpret.

"I know," Pete replies.

"What's the plan?" Mikey starts moving his fingers through Pete's short hair again.

"I don't know Mikey. I just don't know," Pete whispers, scared of his own voice or the truth in it maybe. He curls into Mikey more, pressing his face against Mikey's thigh. Mikey runs his fingers lightly up and down Pete's spine. “What if it gets all fucked again?”

"You should talk to them. Not as band members but as friends," Mikey says.

"I don't know."

"Just go, Pete. Your band needs you."

It's funny to see Pete deny Fall Out Boy is making a comeback on Twitter while he's sitting over a notebook filled with Fall Out Boy songs.

It's exciting when Pete plays him some songs and Gerard politely pretends not to know what demons they're about.

It's even more exciting when Pete tells them that they're just going to drop the whole album.

Watching Pete build his band back up from the ground up makes Gerard wonder about the reality of his own. He looks at these men around him, his best friends and his brother, and finds he doesn't have any rage left to burn. For so long there had always been another album in him, another song to scream until the memory didn't hurt anymore.

Gerard doesn't feel that pain. He's no longer afraid of living his life.

“What if we don't need it?” He asks Mikey one day. They're in a cramped hobby shop in the city, and Mikey's supposed to catch the train back at four so he can be home for dinner.

“Need what?” Mikey asks, flicking through a stack of comics.

“The band,” Gerard says. He thinks Mikey knows exactly what Gerard's talking about. Mikey just wanted him to say it out loud.

This isn't the first time they talked about it, or even the second, or third. Ever since their performance last summer (and their lack of any since) they've all known this day was coming. It feels like a graduation.

“I’m not sure I know what else there is, Gee,” Mikey says slowly. It's the way he speaks when he doesn't want to talk about something.

Gerard stops him from fidgeting with the comics.

“Your whole life Mikey. That's what else.”

·

The band ends.

As much as it feels like the mooring lines have snapped and cut off his limbs, it also feels like he's finally set sail. Boats are safe in the harbor, but they're not meant to stay there. Gerard, Frank, Ray, Mikey, all of them, are so much more then the sum of their parts and he can't wait to see what each of them will do next.

The day they sign the paperwork, Gerard asks Mikey how he’s feeling. Mikey laughs and says that after Pete spent four years playing band-wife, it's only fair he takes a turn. Gerard wasn't sure if he was joking or not until they’re packing boxes and moving back to LA.

Suddenly the decision feels very real.

Gerard doesn't tell anyone this, but the thing he didn't count on hurting so bad, was not seeing his brother every day.

Gerard sits on the couch in his house and realizes he doesn't have anything to do tomorrow, or the day after. There's an endless amount of possibility stretched out in both directions.

Gerard doesn't realize how far from shore he is until he gets The Call.

·

Mikey's an addict. Gerard knows addiction but he doesn't know how to help his brother. Pete, for all his words and poetry, is speechless.

The word addiction comes from the Latin addicto, meaning to give over or surrender. Gerard is waving a white flag.

They sit in the hospital together, missing some awards’ show that neither of them give a shit about now. It’s silent. Gerard holds his brother's hand and thinks about how it's Pete's heartbeat under his fingertips. Pete saved Mikey's life. And what a bitch that for all Pete's Avitan daydreams, he's on the other side of the bed now.

Pete was the one who found Mikey. Pete had to deal with the vomit and the blood and the milky eyes and the terror of not knowing if Mikey was going to make it. Pete is the one who's been by Mikey's side, season after season, for the past seven years. But it's Gerard who the hospital wants to fill out Mikey's paperwork, to answer the questions, to make the decisions.

Nobody enjoys the process of Gerard having to ask Pete what his brother's medical history is, parroting it back to the nurse, who looks at Pete and tells him she's sorry it has to be like this.

But the law doesn't think of Pete as anything to Mikey. It doesn't care that Pete's the love of Mikey's life, the person who knows him, who’s going to be the one to walk the road of recovery with him. It looks at Pete, shrugs, and asks for Gerard. It coats this already living nightmare in a film of just… humiliation.

"I need to call my mom," Pete says, breaking the silence. It feels like the first thing he said since calling Gerard that afternoon. "Need to tell her thank you. This is- Yeah. Wow. This is...."

Gerard knows about BestBuy, fuck Gerard had a BestBuy moment, but something terrible settles inside his gut knowing that now Mikey has a Before and After bookmarking his life into half. Mikey joins Pete and him in a club no one fucking wants to be a part of.

"I don't know where we went wrong. He-" Pete stops himself, looking up at the ceiling and taking a shuddering breath in. Pete's been crying. Gerard doesn't think he has anymore tears left, he's given them all for his brother, saved them for this moment.

"Gerard, I don't know how to come back from this," Pete says and he sounds so broken, all the words he ever wrote about heartbreak falling short at this moment, "I mean, this is a failure I did not know I was capable of."

"You didn't fail anyone Pete," Gerard replies.

"There is a tube down my husband's throat!" Pete cries at Gerard. Gerard knows Pete hasn't slept and doesn't want to pick a fight, so he lets it go because Pete's not actually mad at him.

Gerard knows it looks bad. Gerard knows it IS bad but fuck, if they give into sorrow and melodrama now they are never going to wade out of that. Stuck like The Neverending Story, drowning in their own tears.

"He told me he was okay. And fuck how did I miss- he's my husband, I know him!’ Pete's voice cracks as he doubles over from the weight of the pain. “Fuck, I am so fucking stupid. How, how the fuck do I fix this Gerard?" Pete is getting stuck, he's pulling on the horse and drowning himself.

"Mikey’s been sick for a really long time Pete," Gerard starts calmly, he doesn't know where this zen is coming from, yet for some reason he just has this belief that everything is going to be okay. Maybe this is how Pete felt, all those years ago.

"Yeah, but he's never fucking gone off on Oxy on our bathroom floor." Pete cries out. "If I hadn't gone home, Gerard. I- I didn't even know we had any left in the house. I didn't think to check." Gerard flinches and Pete just falls deeper into the spiral. "I can't help him on tour fuck, fuck I need to call Patrick. I need to cancel-"

"Stop. Pete, just stop," Gerard cuts him off loudly. "You are here. You haven't given up. You have chosen him over and over again and that's all I could ever want someone to do for my brother."

Pete looks like he is about to cry again. He takes a deep breath in through his nose and stares out the window with red rimmed eyes. "I swore I would be there in sickness and in health and Mikey is so, so sick and I can't, I can't see him like that again."

"You also can't just drop everything else, Pete," Gerard says softly.
Pete knows it, Gerard knows it, the contract Pete signed knows it.
“It’s only two months. You guys have done a lot worse than two months.”

"I worry about him so much," Pete whispers.

"Worry is just love leaving the body," Gerard replies.

Pete doesn't even say anything snarky back, he just reaches out and takes Mikey's hand and presses Mikey's knuckles against his mouth.

Gerard thinks back to Pete's white knuckle grip as he and Mikey were married backstage, in their element, playing for each other more than the audience. As if notes could say I love you more than words. He remembers the comfort that filled him up that now there was another person in the world who would look after Mikey. He was no longer alone in his vigil for the best life for his brother.

He sees that same grip holding onto Mikey's still hand now, and knows that Pete is still holding on. He remembers standing in the driveway of Paramour and watching Pete drive away with his brother. Gerard reaches out and puts his hand on Pete's shoulder. Just so he knows too, he's not alone.

"Let me take care of my brother. You take care of your band. That's what I'm here for, Wentz," Gerard gives Pete his own words back to him, so many years later.

It's quiet for a long moment and Pete lets them settle.

"You gotta promise me you'll keep him safe," He says, looking directly at Gerard. Gerard looks from his blood shot eyes, to his dead hair, to his sweatshirt with Mikey's vomit drying on the sleeves.

"Hey, he was my responsibility before he was yours. I've been doing this for a long time," Gerard has patched Mikey up from trips on the sidewalk and falls on the swing to his first hangover and black eyes from basement shows. Gerard has nothing but time now, and it's time he's giving to Mikey.

"I will get into bed and not get out if something happens to him. Do you understand?" Pete asks.
Gerard understands Pete is not being hyperbolic.

"It's going to be okay Pete. It always has been, in the end," Gerard squeezes his shoulder and stands up. His mind is already spinning, moving tracks from music to his brother's recovery. He's always been a dreamer and he's going to dream Mikey a future so saccharin they'll all be diabetic. "I'm going to get some coffee. Would you like some?” Pete just nods. Gerard excuses himself into the hallway.

Mikey can't get sober like Gerard. The drugs are a vice that's drowning Mikey and he needs something to hold on to while he catches his breath. He just needs a fighting chance. But Gerard is so fucking clueless and Pete is currently held together by Patrick Stump and several bottles of meal replacement shakes.

He needs help, fuck it, more than that he needs advice. He needs someone who understands what his brother is going through. Someone who knows addiction as a relentless onslaught and can tell them what to do.

Gerard does something he never thought he would do again.

He calls Bert McCraken.

·

Progress is slow. Sobriety is a stillness you must endure alone.

Mikey moves in with them. Pete is in charge of a band that's touring an album, legally bound to a marriage and a tour at the same time. Gerard witnesses Pete Wentz move heaven and hell to rearrange an entire world tour just to fit his brother's rehab schedule. Love really is found in the logistical moments between the loud stuff.

When it comes time for him to leave, Pete hands Mikey over not with a kiss, but by holding his brother's face in his hands and pressing his forehead against Mikey's, like together they can form half of a healthy brain.

He whispers something under his breath as Mikey nods his head up and down viciously. It’s like an Austen novel is being filmed on his front walkway. Pete's hands hold Mikey's face tight as he chokes one last thing out and Mikey presses his nose to Pete's.

Gerard thinks he would rather watch them tongue fuck each other. It would be less intimate.

Pete tears himself away and lets out a deep breath. He releases Mikey who comes and stands next to Gerard on the porch. Pete said earlier he's not coming in, otherwise he will never leave. "You better not run off with any hot Italian sound techs," Mikey yells back at him.

Pete laughs and the stress exhales out of him, "Ashes to ashes, mway."

Gerard's days are suddenly full. He's a stay at home dad taking care of a toddler and thirty-year-old. If he were to draw a venn diagram the middle would be littered with the following:

1. Neither can be left alone for long periods of time.
2. He has to feed them on a particular schedule otherwise they will not eat for two days.
3. Getting them to go to bed is a feat that has Gerard planning bedtime strategies at 2pm.
4. They both attend daycare (at least that's what Mikey jokingly calls it).

Gerard drives Mikey to therapy every day. He drops his daughter off with Mikey smiling from the passenger seat. Once she's dropped off Gerard gets back in the car and starts the drive to Willowbrook Behavioral Health Intensive Outpatient Program.

He feels like they're teenagers again, Gerard fresh with his license driving them to fuckass Jersey towns and sketchy warehouses and comic book stores. Mikey, barely a teenager himself, would ride shotgun listening to Gerard’s stories about laser guns and robot dads and how bullshit American capitalism is. The ride there is always full of laughter and jokes and they can pretend everything is fine and okay.

"See you after school," Gerard tells his brother as he climbs out of the car.

"They better have fucking cheese sticks this week," Mikey waves back at him and heads in the unmarked door of the treatment facility. In the afternoon Gerard will return to find Mikey somber and exhausted, climbing into the car, heavy. His daughter will ask why Mikey is so tired and Gerard tells her the truth, that he's been working hard all day like her. Mikey too is learning new things. Learning how to love himself in a new form.

It's fucking hard watching Mikey struggle. Once Gerard finds him on the bathroom floor dry heaving, his insides spinning out into the toilet. Gerard pets his brother’s sweaty hair and kneels down, hearing his knees crack in a way they didn't when he was going through this. He remembers Mikey petting his back gently on a hot and stuffy tour bus, so he runs his fingers up and down his brother's spine until the noises stop.

There are brief moments of clarity, signs of the other side of the mountain. Pete calls to the point of it being obnoxious. Mikey picks up every time, which is a new win for Mikey, letting someone see him at his absolute rock bottom. Gerard is making peace with the fact Mikey might never tell him about his darkest moments. He is thankful there is someone in this world who Mikey trusts enough to give his burdens to.

Sometimes Gerard will find Mikey laying on the couch, still like the dead, his phone in front of him, the background noise of Pete's life coming through to Mikey. Pete brings Mikey along with him everywhere: sound check, the hotel gym, Chipotle, radio interviews, inside his coat pocket at events. One time Gerard sees Mikey's been on the phone for 27 hours. Mikey sleeps best like that, to the white noise of being with Pete, breathing peacefully into the speaker. Gerard will lock the doors, pull a blanket over his little brother tucking him in, and plug his phone in before leaving him be.

Mikey gets some hobbies. Lindsey teaches him how to braid. He watches every Disney movie in chronological order and rates them on Twitter. He reads Gerard's pages for his comic, pointing out his favorite bits of Gabriel's drawings.

Healing is sometimes the boringest thing in the world.

Pete comes home, eight weeks feeling like two years, and when he walks through the door Gerard can't tell if Mikey runs into Pete's arms or vice-versa, but they're holding each other in a way that would have you believe the world separated two halves of a body. Pete burrows his face in the crevice of Mikey's shoulder and Mikey lets a noise escape that sounds like a choked cry. Pete's fingers are burrowing into Mikey’s sweatshirt and Mikey's breathing in Pete's hair which definitely just smells like airplane but he’s inhaling like he's clearing his lungs for the first time in two months.

"You came back," Mikey whispers into Pete's hair. Pete pulls back and looks at him like he's fucking crazy.

"Of course, I came back." Pete says, scanning Mikey with a laser focused purpose. "Why would you think that?"

"I OD’d on our bathroom floor," Mikey says, staring at Pete’s shirt instead of meeting his gaze.

“Seriously, fuck that house anyway,” Pete responds, trying to gently rub some of the tension from Mikey. He's gripping Pete's coat so hard there will be wrinkles that never press out. “Mikey, talk to me.”

“I didn’t-,” Mikey shakes his head, “That’s really fucked up and you didn’t deserve it. It was unfair. I know I hurt you and I can’t undo that.”

"Mikey... Mikey." Pete's voice is so soft it holds Mikey even more gently then the hands cupping his face.

"I was scared you were going to come back and I was going to be this- just, different. Someone new, who you couldn't love anymore. It's still me though. I'm still me right?" Gerard has never heard his brother talk like this, like all his insides moved to the outside of his body. Even Gerard, who watched his brother sweat alcohol out of his system for a week, heard nothing. He always thought Mikey didn't talk about his feelings, but maybe that's what got them to the hospital.

"Mikey, you can change. That's part of the deal, all seasons. Every single one of them, darling." Pete says and Gerard feels like he's intruding on a conversation in his own home. “Even, even the fucked up ones, I promise.”

"Okay, okay,” Mikey nods, and Gerard watches as he unloads a weight onto Pete that Pete holds like it's nothing. Mikey's problems are Pete's problems, now and forever. "Sometimes, I don't know who I am."

"You are Mikey fucking Wentz, in whatever form that takes, now or seventy years from now." Pete tells him and Mikey grits his teeth like he does when he doesn't want to cry. "You're a rock star, a massive nerd, and someone with terrible taste in movies, I'm sorry, it’s so fucking true. You can't cook for shit and are the idiot who married me. Mikey, this is the beginning of the rest of your life. You can be whatever you want."

"Whatever I want? Even if I turn into a zombie? Would you let me bite you so we could be zombies together?" Mikey asks, the breath of a laugh in his lips.

"You've been hanging out with your brother too much," Pete replies and Mikey laughs fully, the sound filling up the house for the first time in a while.

Pete pushes some of Mikey's hair out of his eye, letting his blonde bangs flop over the side of his head. "I fucking meant it, tombstones and ashes motherfucker. You are stuck. with. me."

"Fuck, Pete." Mikey chokes out.

"It's us Mikey. It's just us. There's nothing to be afraid of." Pete rubs his thumb across Mikey’s cheek slowly.

"Tell me you love me." Mikey asks, plainly, without reserve, unafraid of needing Pete's affection.

"Mikey. I love you an unbearable amount and I am so proud of you." Pete says and Gerard knows every word is true. It was true ten years ago and it's true now.

Gerard would once again rather have them just tongue fuck like normal people instead of subjecting him to this.

Mikey graduates his outpatient program and as he gets in the car for the last time Gerard asks,
"Are you happy?"

Mikey takes a second to think.
"I'm proud Gee. I'm really fucking proud."

·

On June 28th, 2013 same sex marriage becomes legal in the state of California.

Gerard thinks Pete would have sprinted on foot to the court house. His leg shakes the whole time he's driving and halfway there Mikey grabs his hand, his knuckles white exactly like they were that day in Wellington. He’s wearing a Smashing Pumpkins t-shirt and Pete's in sneakers with a jean jacket.

The whole ride is filled with a charged energy, like no one can really comprehend what they're doing, but also that they need to get there as fast as possible. He sits next to Patrick Stump in the back of Pete's car and they chit-chat about music and anime and anything that's not the fact that this is really happening.

Gerard asked earlier if they didn't want to wait until their lawyers were able to draw some lines between Fall Out Boy and MCR. He thought Pete, creating Clandestine and Decaydance from scratch, would want something wholly his.

“Those are whatever. It's not a need,” Pete said, sounding distracted over the phone, “I need to be legally Mikey's. Are you free Thursday morning? They have a six am slot.”

He asked his brother the same question as they were packing Mikey and Pete’s kitchen into boxes. Their house and its bathroom stained with Mikey's blood and vomit, isn't a home anymore – and Mikey learned he doesn't live well in haunted houses.

“If I had died in April,” Mikey says slowly, pulling the tape out with a loud screech, “he wouldn't have been able to see me. I keep thinking about that Gee. Can you imagine something happens to you and Lindsey’s out there unsure if you're even alive? If something happens to Bandit?”

Gerard's stomach turns over and no, he can't imagine something like that. He hasn't had to live that nightmare, so he doesn't know what measures he would go to in order to ensure it never happens. Maybe there are some things bigger then records and lyrics and copyright and money in general.

When they get to the courthouse, Mikey and Pete walk like the four of them are on a bank heist – shoulders straight, taking the stairs two at a time. Gerard half expects Pete to jump the counter and start listing off things he wants.

He does start making demands later when he tells Patrick to sign faster, like at any moment the governor will say ‘just kidding’ and this will all collapse underneath them. He can't imagine how Pete feels – probably like he wants to take the certificate and shove it in the face of every doctor at every hospital. Patrick tells him to cool it and that, “I want it to look nice. You're going to have this forever, man.”

And then Gerard and Patrick watch their brothers get married.
(Again.)

Pete makes them stay as the clerk files the paperwork away, and when there’s no more steps in the process she smiles at them and says,

“Congratulations Mr. and Mr. Wentz.”

Out on the courthouse steps at 7:26 in the morning, the dawn is barely awake. The four of them stand together as the sun pulls itself over the horizon, making the skyline look like a spilled glass of Sunny-D.

“We're married Mikey,” Pete's looking at Gerard’s brother like he’s finally getting it. They just got legally married.

Gerard gets lost thinking of the bench in Sydney, and the Kiwi pyro tech, and the ring that's never left his brother's finger, and the house they just bought that finally feels like home and not just a house, and the years and years and years in between where they honored nothing but a promise.

Mikey looks a lot older than he did in two thousand and six, but he looks just as in love.

“We always have been,” Mikey says to his husband.

Pete pulls Mikey in, his arms wrapped around Mikey's neck, and for a second Gerard thinks Pete's going to make out with his brother on the steps of a federally protected building. Instead, Pete envelops him into a hug. Mikey’s arms grab at Pete around his back, pulling them together into a single person. They just hold each other like that, fingers clutching fabric and lungs stuttering on the inhale as they whisper, you're my husband, you're my husband, you're my husband.

Gerard wipes his eyes and politely pretends they aren't all crying.

·

Bert and him meet in person for the first time in... Gerard's not sure how many years.

He's sitting in this Turkish coffee shop wondering what to say when Bert walks in. He waves at Gerard with both hands, a huge smile on his face.

"There he fucking is!" Bert yells and it's like Gerard's panic never existed at all.

He's healthy. He's sober. He's visiting from Australia, which is the place where he lives now. They bond over being girl dads and loving every moment of raising headstrong daughters.

Bert apologizes for things he doesn't need to. Gerard says all was already forgiven. Bert take more than his fair share of the blame and tells Gerard how glad he is the Gerard's healthy and safe. Gerard thanks him for the help with Mikey. For the program information and all the right terminology and being so nonjudgmental when Gerard would call him in the scary moments.

They hug when they leave and Gerard feels like he just laid all his demons to rest. They are asleep. They cannot hurt him.

·

It's just another Tuesday in November when Gerard's phone starts going off in a way it hasn't since he first met Grant Morrison. He picks it up off the kitchen counter to see a flood of texts from his brother repeating the same thing,

‘GRMAMY NOKINATED’
‘GR WE MAMMY NOMINAYIN’
‘GRMANY NOMINATIONS’

Gerard, of course, replies, ‘?’

Last Gerard checked neither Gerard nor Mikey have released an album this year.

Mikey responds with one word.

‘MANIA’

Gerard calls him immediately. When Mikey picks up and the first words out are, "Best rock album."

"Rock album?" Gerard doesn't mean to say it with such confusion. Mikey reads his mind.

"I know, don't say anything to him about that okay. He's been texting Joe all day talking about guitars." Gerard can feel the nervous energy flooding off his brother through the airwaves. “He also won't shut up about Weezer, so don't bring that up either.”

"How does Pete feel?" Gerard asks. He wants to know how Mikey feels but he's pretty sure Mikey doesn't know the answer and honestly it's probably just the same as how Pete is doing.

"He keeps saying he doesn't care because it doesn't mean anything because of how the award system works," His brother’s sentences are rambling, unused to talking this much.

"But..." Gerard prompts him.

"But that's a load of shit and he's been pacing around the house for the past forty-five minutes and has called Patrick twice to make sure it was actually true," Mikey tells him, "He keeps coming up to me and asking me what's going on and making me swear I'm not part of some prank."

"Does Pete not understand that he's talented?" Gerard asks.

"Pete doesn't understand that he's not in a faux hardcore band anymore. Of course he doesn't think this is real." Mikey sounds excited and exasperated at the same time. "I can barely believe it's real. It's the fucking Grammys, Gerard. We don't do Grammys.”

"It's a good album, he deserves it, fuck, Patrick, Joe, Andy – all of them do." Gerard knows how it feels though, to not be proud of even your best work.

"I know. I think we kind of gave up thinking this could happen though," Mikey admits. “Especially after all this time.”

"What are the rest of them saying?" Gerard asks.

"Patrick said something heartfelt and Andy reacted with a thumbs up emoji."

"Standard."

"I'm going to try and feed Pete melatonin if he keeps going like this," Mikey says switching to worried, "He's already trying to plan for all the extra interviews and fuck, now they've got the ceremony to go to on top of everything."

"Wow," It’s all Gerard can say.

"I know."

"Grammy nominated… again."

"I know."

"Fuck, he's never gonna shut up about this." Gerard moans.

"I know." Mikey is grinning with joy, Gerard feels it.

"So..." There's a pause as Gerard decides if he wants to ask.

"What's gonna happen if they win?" Mikey's a mind reader, it's how he got away with being so quiet for so long.

"Yeah." Gerard wonders if the answer has changed.

"Then he's going to win as my husband."

Gerard pauses, "As in? Like-” Gerard stops himself short. He doesn't know if coming out is the right word. Pete and Mikey have never aimed to hide their relationship, they just kept it out of the spotlight when that sort of thing would get you blacklisted. It was something that they needed, not the fans or the press. Pete needed Mikey to love him in his most absent moments and Mikey needed Pete to direct some of that prose-like obsession onto him.

"It's time." Mikey's voice doesn't waiver at all.

"Why now?" Gerard doesn't want to pry. Him and his brother have always been twin waves crashing onto the same beach. He knows everything about Mikey, but they never actually talk about anything.

"I think neither of us care about the consequences as much as we care about being able to hold hands getting coffee." Mikey doesn't sigh. He doesn't pause or even think about it. He knows the answer like he knows himself. Gerard wonders about how much Mikey has given up for Gerard, for the band, for the country that doesn't love his brother loving another man.

"We're fucking old Gee," Mikey continues, "Older than we ever thought we'd be. It's time. You only get so much life and I want to spend as much of mine with him as I can."

Gerard sits down on a kitchen stool.

“People are going to make fun of you for marrying a scene queen.” He blurts out.

“Please Gee, cast stones from your glass house,” Mikey snaps back at him.

Gerard laughs. He laughs harder then he's laughed in a long time and he hears Mikey laughing back with him over the phone.

"Mikey?" He asks, his stomach hurting in a good way.
"Yeah, Gee."
"Are you happy?"
Mind reader Mikey, at it again, answers, "I promise you we will be."

·

Gerard watches the awards from home sitting next to his wife. He's probably more nervous than Pete. If Pete wins this means everything changes. The past decade will be cracked open and Pete and Mikey will morph into PeteAndMikey for more than just the well-known few.

Lindsey holds his hand tight and it makes Gerard think about Mikey's words. He wants to see Mikey and Pete holding hands in front of the world and have everyone know they made it. He wants to tease his brother. He wants fans to see they fucking made it. His brother in law is a two time Grammy-

And the Grammy Award for Best Rock Album goes to-

Then Pete is holding a Grammy. Then Pete is opening his mouth. Then Pete is changing his fucking life in front of millions of people.

“Thank you to my husband, who is a better person and bassist then me. I love you in all seasons.”

The camera operator can't pan fast enough before the feed switches to his brother, open and honest and looking with dripping awe to the man on stage. Pete has a Grammy in his hands but the real prize is staring up at him.

He sees the picture of them after. Holding a golden statue, bathed in flashing lights, staring at each other like the rest of their lives are about to begin.

(Gerard likes the photo Pete posts of his award, the gramophone reflection warping the image of Mikey dipping Pete into a kiss.)

·

From then on, there is an itch running itself across Gerard's skin.

“You only get so much life.”

Mikey's words rattle around in his brain like the Fisher Price toy with the balls, bouncing up and down, smacking against his skull.

He invites Ray over and they spend the evening talking about their kids and at the end of it Gerard takes him into his studio. He hands him a guitar and it's like no time has passed but so much of it has.

Frank comes to visit and Gerard doesn't even have to ask. Frank sees the paper strewn about and just flops down on the couch and tells Gerard he should have fucking told him to bring his shit, Gerard knows he can't stand the gear Gerard has.

Mikey comes over and he smiles all the time. He drinks Diet Coke out of the can and walks back and forth across the room, his bass pulled higher up on the strap now. Gerard doesn't even have to ask if he's happy. He's glowing.

They decide Halloween would be perfect. And Gerard can't find it in himself to regret a thing.

·

It's Thanksgiving and Gerard is looking for his wife who is looking for their daughter who is looking for the Babadook plushie she got because he also needs to be at the table (apparently).

He comes into the living room, slightly sweaty, and sees Mikey sitting on the couch with Pete pressed into his side. Mikey's glasses are crooked from where his cheek is pressed into Pete's hair, face scrunched in quiet concentration as he listens to Pete ramble. Their limbs still, after all this time, fit together in a way that is only comfortable for them. Gerard freezes and it floods over him that he's been looking at the same image for 14 years.

Mikey's hand is holding Pete, pulling him close and running a familiar pattern across his hip bone. There are no Anthrax t-shirts or eyeliner, but there is time, which has worn their love so deeply into the crevices of who they are and maybe that is the great answer to love. To be made new by it. If there is one constant in Gerard's life it is PeteandMikey of it all.

They're talking about something mundane, letting life move through them together and Gerard thinks about the 26 year-old-him that resides in his bones. He’s watching his brother get everything Gerard hoped he would. There's a certain point when you're 23 and you don't think you'll look in the mirror and see gray hair. The universe gave Gerard lyrics and art and a daughter and it gave Mikey courage and music and Pete.

The world knows how loved his brother is by Gerard, by screaming fans for the past 20 years, and now by a band of black and gold wrapped around his finger, worn in photos and held in the hand of the man that he has loved this whole time.

And if Mikey is happy?

Gerard is happy.