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Uryū found his attention wandering from the show he was supposed to be watching, instead drifting around the room and finding purchase on the half-asleep Ichigo lying across his lap, watching the program through half-lidded eyes.
The flickering lights danced across the side of his cheek, painting him in a prismatic array of colours that danced in and out of the shadows they cast on his face. Silence filled the room aside from the low dubbed voices playing in time with the events onscreen, just loud enough to block out the sound of Ichigo’s gentle breathing. It didn’t need to be heard, though; a lock of ginger hair fell in front of his nose and rustled slightly with each exhale. Uryū hated to admit it, but he found this cute; his heart did a little skip when he saw the drowsy expression and the few slight signs he was still awake.
What little was still visible of his eyes reflected the events playing out onscreen, green trees against amber irises.
Slowly giving in to temptation, Uryū placed his right hand on Ichigo’s neck, exposed with only a few strands of hair running laterally over it. A low purring rumble coming from Ichigo’s chest met his fingers, which he took as a good sign. Slowly, he started to stroke, fingers gently going over and over the soft skin underneath them.
Falling into a comfortable rhythm, Uryū lifted his gaze back to the show they were watching and found himself utterly lost. How long had it been since he’d last looked up? The characters were arguing about something, but he’d been so thoroughly absorbed in the nuances of Ichigo Kurosaki’s presence he had no idea what it was.
The purring continued under his fingers, a strange behaviour that Uryū didn’t know if it was a normal response to being petted like that or not; he’d never been this close to anyone to find out. And maybe it was normal behaviour he was simply oblivious to, but it might not have been. After all, no matter how hard he tried to forget about it the reality still was that Ichigo had a hollow lurking inside him; the purring could have been a strange byproduct of it.
Of course, there was absolutely no way he’d ever mention the purring to Ichigo in case it was an abnormal thing. Mentioning the hollow at all—or It, as Ichigo usually used as a moniker—was a bad idea if you didn’t want to make him peevishly angry at you and get the cold shoulder for a week. If Uryū brought the purring up now, he’d get a scaldingly hot answer in denial that he’d ever done it in the first place and have him shuffle awkwardly off to the other side of the couch. Once the show was over, he’d probably make a hasty excuse to why he had to be home and scarper off without another word.
No, he’d just look up tomorrow if purring was a normal response to physical affection in a human being. If it was, he’d bring it up to Ichigo and they’d all have a little laugh over it.
If it wasn’t, well, he just wouldn’t mention it again.
That left Uryū to simply enjoy the purring in silence, as if he had an overgrown orange cat curled up on his lap. There was no way he was going to move even the slightest, lest he risk upsetting the entire delicate balance they’d curated for the first twenty-five minutes of the episode.
“What’s happening?” Uryū’s question was a whisper, trying not to drown out the voices. The remote control was far enough away that he’d have to upset Ichigo to reach for it.
“You mean you weren’t even listening?” Ichigo’s usual barbed banter was slightly dulled under a sleepy haze. “You missed important stuff.” He blinked a few times, then turned his gaze upwards to give Uryū a chastizing look somewhat diminished by the sleepy position of his eyelids. In the dim light he almost thought he saw the pointed tips of fangs while he spoke, but Uryū shook himself out of it. Ichigo wasn’t actually a cat, nor was he a pure hollow, purring or no purring.
“I guess my mind just wandered off.”
“If you’re going to do that, get the remote and rewind it! I’m not going to spend the next half hour trying to explain the episode’s plot to you,” Ichigo complained. The flickering light caught his expression again, and this time there was no mistaking the fleeting glimpse of carnivorous teeth Uryū got.
“I didn’t want to disturb you. You looked so comfortable.”
Ichigo had a little laugh. “I won’t run you through if you have to get up. Sheesh, Uryū, how vindictive do you think I am?”
The show cut to break all of a sudden, leaving the two of them alone in the dark for a few brief moments.
In the black, Ichigo’s eyes suddenly shone blood red, reflective like a wild animal.
Despite himself Uryū felt a shiver travel down his spine. The ads came on and lit the room up again, turning Ichigo’s eyes back to their usual amber-brown shade, but the image had embedded into his mind and floated on the insides of his eyelids.
It was Ichigo, the same wonderful and cheeky and strong Ichigo as always. Why was Uryū so scared of him all of a sudden?
Why was he looking more and more like some sort of animal?
“What’s wrong? Uryū, you look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Ichigo’s tone was teasing, but concern was written on his face.
“I…it’s nothing.” He swallowed and got up to get the remote, listening to the slow fall of Ichigo’s body weight onto the couch cushions as he lost his support he’d been leaning on.
Uryū was entirely aware that Ichigo had a hollow inside him. It was, as far as he knew, well hidden and under control. It certainly hadn’t stopped him from falling slowly in love with him and everything about him. They’d spent time alone before, but it had always been outside, where they were never too far away from other people. He’d never been in a locked house with no one but Ichigo.
Had these signs always been there and his love had simply made him blind to them? Or were they coming out more because Ichigo was letting his guard down?
Uryū made up his mind to go get a drink of water, trying to ignore his growing disquiet. It was silly, really. It wasn’t like Ichigo was going to jump him when his back was turned and make him into a late-night snack. He wasn’t really a hollow…
The flashing of his eyes was still floating hazy on his retinas as he turned the kitchen light on. That was something animals’ eyes had, nocturnal prowlers lit up by a trick of the light. He cast a hasty glance over his shoulder to the couch, but the ads were still running and Ichigo wasn’t visible above the back.
His hand was trembling when he picked up the full water glass, and it wasn’t from its weight.
“Hey, could you get me something to drink while you’re up?”
The sudden sound of Ichigo’s voice made Uryū start, dropping the glass to the floor where it shattered immediately from the impact, sending water splashing across the floor and soaking his socks thoroughly. This was what snapped him out of his paranoid stupor, the irritation at having wet socks overriding his survival instincts for the time being and prompting him to get a cloth and risk bare feet.
Uryū made haste mopping up the water, not wanting to run past the ad break and miss more of the show than he already had. Naturally, though, the water refused to cooperate, running away from his towel each time he tried to chase it down. He had to give up at a point he figured was ‘good enough,’ leaving the cloth there in case the remaining moisture had a last-minute change of heart. He stood back up.
His heart nearly stopped when he found himself face-to-face with a suddenly alert and fully awake Ichigo.
Uryū stumbled backwards, tripping over the cloth he’d left and spilling backwards onto the floor.
“Hey—did I startle you? Are you okay? Uryū?”
In the blood-red panic that was colouring Uryū’s mind, his name sounded more like a fox’s yelp than a human question. He felt in his sleeve for his Quincy cross, panicking and wanting to make sure he had a way out.
He was about to summon his bow and aim a reishi arrow upwards when reality hit himself again in the form of Ichigo’s worried face looming above him.
Was he really about to shoot his kind of, maybe, almost, sort of boyfriend in the face just because he came in to check on him?
From this angle Ichigo looked mercifully normal. No big snarling fangs ready to rip his flesh open or wild eyes meant for a predator, just the concerned face of someone who made his heart flutter whenever they made eye contact. It made Uryū feel more than a little foolish.
“Uryū? Are you okay?”
Was he really? He’d just been dead convinced his boyfriend was about to murder and eat him.
“I…think I’m fine.”
“Good. Now get your ass in there, the show’s about to come back on.”
Ichigo reached his hand down and found Uryū’s, mercifully soft and normal. It allayed some of his worst fears and he let himself be helped up, despite himself and his better instincts nuzzling into his sleeve and leaning in as he was led back into the room.
Ichigo gently let him down into the soft cushions, sitting next to him and wrapping a warm arm around his shoulders.
“I’ll help you clean up the glass later, okay?”
He turned his head to smile at Uryū, lips parting just a little bit. His teeth were a bit sharper and pointier than normal, but the smile was one of kindness and not ferocity.
“What happened, anyway? You just slipped and dropped the glass?”
“It’s nothing.”
Ichigo didn’t look convinced, but he turned his gaze back to the screen as the show came back on and let the conversation drop.
The two of them sat in silence, until the episode ended; still the nagging worry that he had invited a bloodthirsty hollow into his home nagged at Uryū and kept wandering into his mind, preventing him from fully relaxing and getting involved in the storylines.
Ichigo reached for the remote first, turning the television off entirely and plunging them into darkness again.
The red eyeshine was back, more ominous than ever, and Uryū scrambled up to turn the lights back on.
“Are you sure you’re all right, Uryū? You seem really jumpy tonight.”
“It’s nothing—“
“You’re really worked up for nothing. Come on, you can tell me. I’ll understand.”
“No—“ Uryū paused. “You promise you won’t get mad if I ask you a question?”
“Nah, of course not.” Those teeth again. Uryū tried to look away.
“Have you ever…” The words wouldn’t properly form. “Do you ever notice any of your spiritual powers leaking through to your human body?”
Ichigo looked confused. “How do you mean? What brought this up?”
Uryū took a deep breath and let it out through his mouth slowly before he continued. “I just noticed, since this is my first time being so close to you alone, that there are certain things…certain behaviours…you promise you won’t get mad?”
“I’m getting more mad that you won’t just spit it out already.”
“Has anyone ever told you that your eyes reflect light like a wild animal?”
Ichigo looked dumbfounded for a little while, then a look of understanding came over his face.
“You’ve seen what Hat and Clogs calls my ‘hollow genetics,’ then. Shit, I was hoping I could have just one nice thing in my life without being called a freak.” He sighed. “Should have known that wasn’t going to happen.”
“So you do know.”
“Of course I do. You think I’m an idiot? The symptoms started showing up after Sogyoku Hill, and when I asked Hat and Clogs about them, and what I could do to get rid of them, he told me I couldn’t.” Ichigo shrugged noncommittally, but his voice held raw sadness. “Something about them being from the hollow fused to my soul or something. What I do remember is that he told me they were completely irreversible. I can learn to control the hollow, but I can’t erase it from existence.”
“You don’t have anything else from your hollow?”
“Like what?”
“Any instincts?”
Ichigo’s face fell. “You’re scared I’m going to try to eat you when your back is turned, aren’t you.”
Uryū suddenly felt guilty. Obviously it was a topic Ichigo was sensitive about—and why wouldn’t it be—and he’d brought it up callously during what was supposed to be a special date night.
“At the moment, I’m pretty clear for anything weirder than some reflective eyes and sharper teeth.”
“At the moment?”
Ichigo’s sigh was world-weary and held such a level of resigned sadness it made Uryū’s heart ache a little bit.
“You’ve not met the Vizards, have you?”
“No.”
“Back when I was training with them, they filled me in a lot on the ins and outs of my…condition. I’ve only had it for a few months and so far what I’ve experienced is pretty manageable. Most people probably won’t notice—you didn’t until tonight, after all, and this is what, our fourth date? Shinji sat me down one day, though, and told me everything. When you look at him, at least in his spirit form, you can tell.” Ichigo shivered. “He said that the more I call on the hollow’s powers, the more I summon my mask, the faster symptoms are going to start popping up. Ones that are harder to hide. And the kicker is, because I’m still alive, anything that happens while I’m in spirit form reflects back onto my body, including my hollowfication.”
“You said the more you summon your mask, though. If you don’t use it at all, wouldn’t it stand to reason that if you don’t use it at all, or hardly use it, you’ll be fine?”
“Wouldn’t that be nice.” Ichigo’s laugh was bitter. “No, Shinji told me that using the mask only speeds up the inevitable. One way or another, and probably before I graduate high school, I’m going to be saturated with hollow enough that I can’t hide it anymore. Things like involuntary growling, and meat cravings, even. And another little bit that he never actually told me, Shinji, but I’m not stupid. Every last one of the Vizard has hollowfied eyes. Every morning I look in the mirror to see mine are still brown, and wonder if it’s the last day they’ll look like that.”
Picking up on the sadness in his voice, Uryū hesitantly sat back down next to Ichigo, trying to shove down his anxiety of sitting next to him now that he knew there was a very real chance he could go berserk hollow mode at any time.
“Anyway, I guess I probably should have brought this up sooner. I just wanted to spend some time with you before I became a freak.” Ichigo’s head hung forward slightly in embarassed shame, hair swinging like a curtain to hide his face. “If you want to go ahead and dump me now, that’s okay. I know dating a soul reaper as a Quincy is one thing, but dating a hollow is entirely another. I get it.”
Ichigo sounded so utterly defeated and consigned to life as a half-hollow. It was as if he had given up what little vestige of hope he had left in those few minutes of conversation, living on borrowed time before he would hide himself away from the world for the rest of his natural life.
“Does…” Uryū was hesitant, unsure as to what he should be saying. “Who else knows about this?”
“As of right now? The Vizards, Hat and Clogs, Yoruichi and Tessai by extension, and now you. I have no idea how I’m going to break it to my sisters that their beloved older brother is turning into a monster. It keeps me awake at night, sometimes. Imagining all the different scenarios in which they find out. They never end happily.”
Uryū had never seen Ichigo so vulnerable before. He always had a tough façade in every interaction, calm and confident. This side of him…it almost felt like he’d intruded on something private he wasn’t invited to.
“I mean, you’ll still be Ichigo, right?” The optimism in Uryū’s voice was weak, but he made himself put his hand on his shoulder as a gesture of comfort anyway.
“But what if I’m not?” Ichigo’s voice was small and scared, like a child confessing that he thought there was a monster in his closet. Only in this case, the monster was himself. “What if when it’s all said and done, I’m not recognizable anymore? What if there’s none of me left?”
Uryū was all of a sudden feeling very guilty for bringing the red eyeshine up at all.
“Hey, you said the Vizards are still functioning like themselves, right? I’m sure you’ll be okay. You’ll still be you, just…different.”
“You really think so?” Ichigo’s voice had suddenly gone quiet and hoarse. Uryū felt emotions and sympathy rise inside him in response.
“Of course. And I’m not going to dump you just because you have a bit of hollow in you, either.” With a swell of confidence he realized it was true. What he and Ichigo were beginning to grow, it was too special to throw away for something like that. “I can handle a soul reaper, so why not throw some hollow into the mix as well?”
“Thank you,” Ichigo whispered, lifting his head up for the first time in what felt like forever to meet Uryū’s eyes in earnest.
The white of his left eye had begun to turn black.
Uryū elected not to say anything.