Work Text:
Title: Peculiar
Author: Triste
Fandom: Hunter x Hunter
Pairings: Killua/Gon, Leorio/Kurapika
Rating: PG
Status: Complete
Disclaimer: Not mine
~~
Studying in peace and quiet was tough enough for Leorio. Studying with Kurapika vacuuming in the background and humming while he dusted the house was tougher still, but even worse was studying with Gon and Killua bringing up some never-ending argument. Worst of all, however, was studying while both aforementioned acts were going on at once, and while Leorio wasn't always diligent, he was at least dedicated to his future career as a doctor.
Closing his eyes, he tried to tune out the surrounding annoyances, tapping his textbook with the tip of his index finger irritably and waiting for a lull in the bickering so that he could at least make a civil request for all those present to stop talking before being officially granted permission to yell at the top of his lungs and make whatever threats were necessary in order to gain an appropriate environment for his work.
Predictably, Gon and Killua were fighting over money, but then money was one of their favourite things to disagree on. While Gon was probably the most stubborn person on the entire planet, Killua wasn't one to back down easily, which meant their arguments could often continue for hours on end.
"It's not like I'm asking for the world!" Killua huffed, ignoring the way Gon's mouth was set into a very stony pout. "All I want is cash!"
"You're not getting any!" Gon insisted, refusing to let Killua have his way. "Not until you prove to me that you can be responsible!"
"I'm already responsible!" claimed Killua. "And anyway, I'll pay you back!"
"No you won't," Gon said grimly. "You have absolutely no idea how to manage money."
"Come on," Killua wheedled. "Just a few thousand?"
"And what would you spend it on?"
"Candy, duh."
"No, no, and no. You eat too much sugar anyway. It's why you need to see the dentist."
"I don't want to see the dentist!"
"I've already made you an appointment!"
"Gon, you traitor!"
"It's your fault for complaining about having toothache all last week! What do you think has been causing it, hmm?"
Unable to think of a valid excuse, or at least a legitimate-sounding lie, Killua attempted to resolve things with violence as he forced Gon into a chokehold so that he couldn't speak anymore.
"Be careful!" Kurapika cautioned, eyeing the ornaments close to where Gon's arms were flailing. "Don't fight indoors!"
"Don't fight at all!" Leorio called, seizing the opportunity to make himself heard. "Can't you see I'm busy here? Take your lover's quarrel somewhere else!"
"He started it," Killua grumbled, pointing at Gon. "And he's sending me to the dentist!"
"It's for your own good," Gon said pleasantly. "You'll thank me for it in the future."
Killua just scowled and showed his back, refusing to forgive Gon's betrayal, and Gon turned mournfully to Kurapika.
"Is Leorio always this difficult?" he asked. "How do you deal with him when he's making life unpleasant?"
A vein in Leorio's forehead throbbed at being referred to as unpleasant, but he kept silent in order to hear Kurapika's response.
"I prefer to hit him over the head with a blunt object," Kurapika said thoughtfully. "But I don't do that too often, though."
"Because you care about him?"
"Because he can sulk for days afterwards, and that only makes matters worse. Then again, it *is* nice not to listen to him complaining or blustering or-"
"Fine, fine, I get it!" Leorio interrupted. "Go join the Angry Wives Union if you're really that upset!"
Kurapika's mouth tightened into a dangerously thin line but his expression was determined as he placed his hands solemnly on Gon's shoulders. "I understand your plight and I respect your dedication. Leave with me and I shall mould you in my image."
"Can we stop for tea on the way?"
"Yes, that's an excellent idea."
Killua and Leorio's jaws dropped simultaneously as Kurapika led Gon out of the apartment, and it was only after the door had closed behind them that they spoke.
"They actually left," Leorio said in awe.
"Forget about that," said Killua, alarmed. "Is there *really* an Angry Wives Union?"
"How should I know?"
"But Kurapika seemed serious! What's he going to do with Gon?"
"Take him shopping for traditional Kuruta clothing? Dye his hair? Change his family name by deed poll?"
"This is no time to be kidding around! We have to stalk them!"
"Stalk them?!"
Killua threw Leorio the most menacing glare he could muster (the one that made grown men wet themselves in fear) and Leorio gulped nervously.
"I'll get my coat."
~~
Ten minutes later and they were both doing their best to remain undetected while following Kurapika and Gon around the crowded city streets.
"What are they doing now?" hissed Killua, making sure that he was safely shielded by one of the nearby trashcans. Leorio, who had ducked out of sight behind a conveniently parked vehicle, lifted his binoculars to his eyes and zoomed in on their targets.
"I think they're looking at curtains and cushion covers," he whispered back, and Killua's expression grew stricken.
"This is bad!" he despaired. "If this keeps up Kurapika will turn Gon peculiar!"
"Didn't he say that he was going to mould him in his own image?"
"I thought he just wanted that tea! I never expected him to induct Gon into the wonderful world of housekeeping!"
"How is that bad? Won't it mean less work for you if Gon takes more of an interest in cooking and cleaning?"
"Of course not! He'll start doing weird things, like colour-coding our socks and ironing our underwear and making food that isn't boiled eggs topped with rice!"
"Only Kurapika irons underwear. He even lines the drawers with special scented paper to keep it smelling fresh when he stores it away."
Killua shuddered, but he had no time to contemplate the true horror of Kurapika teaching Gon how to be domestic. The prey was on the move again, and Killua and Leorio continued to tag along unnoticed, watching as Gon and Kurapika entered a nearby cafe and waiting a few minutes before stepping inside themselves.
Taking a table far enough away to avoid being spotted but close enough to eavesdrop, Killua hid his face behind a menu while Leorio chose to use disguise himself with an old abandoned newspaper. This earned them both a quirked eyebrow from the waitress when she came to take their orders, but since they were far too busy concentrating on more pressing matters, they barely even noticed.
The conversation started innocently enough, with Gon talking animatedly about the creatures that inhabited Whale Island as Kurapika listened with interest, but it soon went downhill from there when Kurapika took charge of the next topic and brought up things like making beds with hospital corners and what his opinion was on the newest vacuum cleaners the market had to offer. How Gon managed to stay so attentive throughout the lecture was beyond Leorio, whose eyelids had begun to droop when Kurapika had been talking about the most efficient way to change sheets.
"So, what is it about Killua that bothers you?" Kurapika asked once he'd completed his explanation on why pout pourri was just a waste of money and why liquid air fresheners were a far better substitute.
"He wastes a lot of what we earn," replied Gon, crestfallen. "I keep telling him that it isn't such a bad idea to save and invest, but he never listens."
"I guess it can't be helped," Kurapika reasoned. "Look at how well-off his family is."
"He could at least buy something useful, like new clothes or survival gear or even weapons," Gon said. "He just spends everything on choco balls and other pointless things."
"Choco balls are *not* pointless," Killua muttered, and Leorio quickly shushed him.
"It's mainly the spending then?" Kurapika prompted.
"Well, Killua *is* kind of messy," mused Gon. "Mito-san always taught me to be conscious of living space and to take unexpected visitors into account, but Killua has a habit of leaving his stuff lying all over the place. He's probably just used to having others picking up after him, since his family does employ so many people."
"You mean, he treats you like hired help?" said Kurapika, appalled.
"It's not like that," Gon defended. "He just gets lazy sometimes, but his good points still outweigh the bad ones. Killua usually gives in after I nag him long enough. It's nice being able to get my way most of the time."
Leorio smirked at Killua who heaved a long-suffering sigh, not even bothering to pretend that Gon's words weren't true.
"I can't say I really nag Leorio all that often," Kurapika admitted slowly. "We don't even argue as much as we used to."
"He did start being more agreeable after you threatened to disembowel him last month, didn't he?"
"Yes, the training is finally starting to take an effect."
"Training?"
"Teaching him basic household do's and don't, like putting salad cream in the refrigerator and not the cupboard, and putting dirty towels in the laundry hamper instead of leaving them on the floor or draped over the nearest available surface."
"So it's like dogs and obedience lessons, right? Can I try that on Killua?"
"If it works on Leorio, it'll work on anyone."
Leorio sputtered discreetly, but his indignation wasn't about to end there.
"I always wondered about him, you know?" Gon continued. "He always takes so much care with his appearance. His old man suits are practically immaculate."
"Oh, he'd sit around and stare at himself in the mirror all day if he could," Kurapika said dismissively. "He likes himself to look good but he couldn't care less about the state of the house. He cleans his sunglasses more often that he cleans the stove."
Leorio, still fuming over his dress sense being compared to that of a senior citizen's, barely listened to the remainder of what Kurapika and Gon were saying, and Killua had to kick him hard under the table for him to notice when they finally got up and left.
Leorio's bad mood only dissipated when, distracted by a large red sign in a shop window he'd just passed, he stopped walking in order to better read the words. Killua flicked his gaze over to what had captured Leorio's attention and then his own eyes widened in definite interest.
"It wouldn't hurt to go inside and browse," Leorio said casually, and Killua nodded, their mission forgotten altogether.
~~
The two of them arrived back at the apartment long after Gon and Kurapika did, and although Gon seemed content enough as he busied himself with making repairs to his precious fishing rod, Kurapika was standing with his arms crossed over his chest and a very disgruntled expression on his face.
"You forgot to lock the front door," was the first thing he said to Leorio, tapping his left foot in annoyance. "*Again*." Then his frown turned even darker and he added in a dangerous tone, "What are you hiding?"
Leorio thought he'd done an excellent job in obscuring the brown paper bag behind his back, but he hadn't been good enough to slip past Kurapika's Things That Don't Belong Under This Roof detector.
"Hand it over," Kurapika warned when Leorio continued to hesitate. "*Now*."
Leorio gave up. At least Kurapika only looked and sounded pissed off. The moment his eyes started flashing red would be Leorio's signal to start running like hell.
He passed the bag to Kurapika who took it wordlessly and tipped out the contents.
"'Big and Bouncy'?" Kurapika read aloud, the tone of his voice practically oozing out distaste as he flipped through Leorio's newly acquired magazines. "'Muffs Monthly'?"
"It's research material," Leorio said lamely. "They're for my anatomy studies."
Kurapika's eyes hadn't yet changed colour, but Leorio wondered if he ought to start running anyway. Killua had no such qualms (he'd cleverly hidden his purchases under the doormat before entering the apartment), although he was somewhat standoffish when Gon welcomed him home.
"I'm not talking to you anymore," he said haughtily to a thoroughly bewildered Gon. "You've gone peculiar."
"You mustn't stand for that kind of talk, Gon," said Kurapika, still glowering at Leorio. "If he keeps giving you trouble-"
"-knock him out with the rod!" Gon finished brightly, and Killua backed up in alarm.
"You're not *serious*?"
But Gon was smiling in a sweetly sinister way that reminded Killua of all the horror movies he'd ever seen where teenage girls with bigger breasts than brains got chased around and eaten by cannibalistic country bumpkins.
Leorio wasn't faring any better and, as he managed to exchange glances with Killua, they silently agreed to seek out the Abused Husbands Refuge together, assuming they were capable of coherent speech and basic motor functions once the torture was over.
End.