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If I Could Fix It For You

Summary:

I know you must be confused, and frightened, and overwhelmed. I know that you’re questioning a lot right now. But if nothing else, I need you to know this: I have loved Cups for years, because I have loved Ray Mond for years. And if it wasn’t for you—all of you—my life wouldn’t be the same.

 

or, April makes one more vlog for Ray Mond

Notes:

april might not be waking up any time soon but that hasn't stopped me from thinking non-stop about what she might say or do if she did. a little what if scenario if april made another vlog for ray mond (disclaimer that i adore fuslie and have nothing but respect for her decisions; this is in no way a complaint that she's not around for this arc. it's just fun to imagine what she could say if she was)

Work Text:

Hey, Ray, it’s your girl April.

I…I’ve been getting a lot of calls. And I have a confession: I’ve been too scared to answer any of them. And also, I don’t want to talk to Kitty, or Chatterbox, or even Max about all of this. I want to talk to you. But I can’t right now. And I’m so sorry.

But I wanted to send you this. You…don’t remember it now, I suppose, but I vlogged for you before. We were apart, for a long time, and I missed you like crazy. You didn’t know it, but I did. And I’m vlogging for you again, because I need you to know, no matter what you do or don’t remember, that I miss you now. I miss hanging out, I miss spilling tea, I miss getting into trouble together and apart—and somehow always getting out of it again.

But the biggest thing I miss right now is being there for you. I know what Los Santos is like. I know it can feel impossible to know who to trust. I know that, the more people who hear about your memory, the more people are going to try to take advantage of you—for personal gain or just for fun, either way, it sucks, and I wish I was there to watch your back.

You’ve got good people around you, though, even if you don’t remember all of them. Your real friends are watching out for you. Vinny might have his moments—he’s a CG boy, after all—but he cares about you so much. And Chatty—well, Chatty would do anything, give anything, if he thought it was best for you. You might not remember that, but I do, so trust me when I say it’s true.

I want to tell you something. I know you’ve probably had a lot of people telling you things about yourself lately, and a lot of it is probably bullshit, but I’ve been at your side pretty much every step of the way, so if you don’t listen to anyone else, listen to your gworl.

You probably don’t remember—I don’t know if anyone’s told you about it—but there was a day, early on, when we both got back to the city, where you and I sat down on the rooftop at the Cubby and just talked. I remember being so afraid going into that conversation, because I thought we were going to fight. I thought I was going to lose my best friend for good.

Instead, you apologized. You told me about your past, your family, how afraid you are of being left behind. How that was why you left first. You apologized a lot that day, and you’ve done so much to make it up to me, but the truth is, I forgave you the moment you started crying. Because I knew then that you didn’t mean to hurt us, and I knew that you also hurt yourself in the process.

Kitty told me how you’re afraid of leaving again. Of fucking everything up again. I know now how scared you were when you left the first time, and I can only imagine how terrifying it is, realizing you might try to do it again now. I don’t know what happens next. I don’t know how to fix this—and believe me, if I could fix it for you, I would, without hesitation. You’re trying so hard right now to figure out who Cups is, who Ray is, and whether the two can even coexist anymore—if they ever could in the first place.

But I need to tell you something. That day at the Cubby, I saw someone. Someone who was sorry for the things she’d done. Someone who was trying so hard to grow. Someone who was so fucking determined to build a better life.

So much has happened since then. So much has changed. But that night, crying with you on that rooftop, thinking about where we’d been and what was ahead of us, you made a vow. You said we would rule this town. And then you spent the next six months creating such a wild, insane, beautiful life for yourself. I watched you blossom, Ray Mond. I watched you seize every moment, face down every challenge, embrace every moment of chaos with open arms. You made a home for yourself in Los Santos. You mad a family—a real one, the kind of family you’ve always been looking for. I know these past few months have been the happiest you’ve ever been. I know, because I’ve been so overwhelmingly happy for you.

You might not realize it, but I saw it then, all the way back in January, on that rooftop in the Cubby. I saw her—that crazy, determined, loyal, chaotic, lovable woman you’ve become. I saw her then. I saw her seven years ago, when you made it out of that mess with Joe unscathed. Hell, I saw her even before that, watching you selling weed, jumping off rooftops like a lunatic, doing something you loved and taking ownership of it like the boss ass bitch you are.

I know you must be confused, and frightened, and overwhelmed. I know that you’re questioning a lot right now. But if nothing else, I need you to know this: I have loved Cups for years, because I have loved Ray Mond for years. And if it wasn’t for you—all of you—my life wouldn’t be the same.

I’m sorry I’m not there. I wish I could be at your side, helping you figure out where to go and fucking up anyone who gets in your way. But I can’t be there. All I can do is tell you this. It doesn’t matter if you’re Ray Mond of Chang Gang or Hiccups of the New Clown Order. You’re you, and you are crazy, powerful, strong, chaotic, an absolute mess and a total queen. Most importantly, you are loved. By me, by Chatty, by Kitty, by Max and Twinkles and Vinny and Taco and Yuno and—and so many people, Ray.

You were afraid of losing that love once, all those years ago. But you found it again, and your life—all our lives—are better for it. That’s why I know, even if you’re lost right now, even if you do something you regret, you’re going to be okay.

I’m in your corner, Ray. No matter where we are in the world, I’ll always have your back. You’re my best friend, my family, my GWORL, and nothing will ever, ever change that. I’m rooting for you.

Love,

April