Chapter Text
She’s crying, the shadows hissed.
Again, went unsaid.
Eira had been crying…pretty much since she had woken up for the first time and had panicked.
Even Rhys had not been able to reach her then, calm her down, stop the panic…even when Azriel had begged him, his own heart breaking at the utter terror that Eira poured down the bond. Her panic had been enough to break his fucking heart.
As had been the repeat of these three words. Again and again. She should have needed to kill them. That shouldn’t have ever been anything that she worried about. he should have been right there…but he hadn’t been.
And so she had panicked and sobbed…and they had needed to drug her…The only thing they could do, hoping that maybe a little bit more time…giving her a moment longer… when Rhys didn’t need to drag her out of a nightmare, she would wake on her own.
And then she had.
And at first, it had been fine…
He had nervously wrung his hands, forcing himself not to listen to that conversation, forcing himself not to ask the shadows what they were hearing…not to spy on her…
Eira had a right to her privacy. Especially now, when most of it had been stripped away from her. She should at least have some of it left.
Rhys didn’t seem to have these scruples…probably a good thing. His clenched jaw told Azriel that that conversation between the three sisters was not going in a direction that would help anything. Finally, Rhys had enough…had interrupted before any more damage could be done.
Azriel didn’t know what had been said there either, but… Rhys’ slumped shoulders when he left her bedroom had been…
“She’ll need time,” Rhys had told him quietly. “Give her time, Az. We did a lot of damage with careless words and actions… She’s…We fucked up and she’s the one paying the price for it.”
With her tears, went unsaid.
The shadows complained to him, about how she was crying, how Nesta and Feyre were holding her and that didn’t stop Eira from weeping like somebody had died.
And he supposed in a way… somebody had died.
Eira’s twin sister…the sister she had loved…she had died. Died the moment Elain decided to keep the vision a secret…when she had tried to make sure that it wouldn’t come true.
“Did…” he couldn’t bring out the words as he stared at Rhys.
“I told her,” Rhys assured him with a sigh.
And? What had she said? What did Eira think about the mating bond? What did she want to do with it? What did… “She thought it was a joke.”
What ?
“A joke?” Cassian repeated unbelieving. “A joke? What kind of joke?” he demanded and Rhys just raised one eyebrow.
“A joke at her expense,” Rhys clarified evenly. “That Azriel couldn’t possibly be her mate.”
Somebody ripping out his heart with their bare hands probably would have hurt less. What was he supposed to say to this? What was he supposed to do about it?
How was he supposed to assure Eira that…that he wanted her? That he was glad about the mating bond because, without it, he would have walked through his life deaf and blind to the treasure right in front of him.
He would have…he wouldn’t have known...He wouldn’t ever having seen that vision, wouldn’t ever have seen the children they would be able to create, the happiness on his own face, the happiness on Eira’s face…
How was he supposed to beg on his knees for her forgiveness when she was sobbing at just…
Azriel went back to pacing.
He had no idea what to say to that. He had no idea what to do to make this right.
He had…
There was nothing he could do. Nothing at all.
And Azriel hated it.
Maybe that’s what brought him back to the hallway in front of the room…back to sitting there and staring at the closed door…back to cradling that golden bond in his mind and waiting for Eira to wake up from her crying fit induced nap…
Cassian kept him company, clearly still expecting him to go off and do something really stupid. Like murdering Elain in cold blood.
Which he wasn’t going to do, for the record. Oh, he wanted to. Eira wouldn’t forgive him for that though. And that was the only fucking reason why he didn’t do it.
He had killed people for less than Elain trying to make sure that his children would never be born.
Still, he tried to push down that anger that was embering in his gut. If he didn’t do that, he would just get even more angry and he didn’t think that his anger was his biggest problem right now…it was…
She’s awake, Master. The shadows. Of course. Aren’t you going to talk to her, Master? They pushed him. Always pushy.
I don’t think she wants to see me, he gave back quietly.
She’s our mate!
And don’t forget we hurt her, he responded tightly.
You hurt her, the shadows sniped at him. We kept her company. She likes us.
He was pretty sure that if the shadows had eyes, they would be rolling them at him at the moment.
“Do you want to talk to him?” he couldn’t help but flinch as he heard Feyre’s voice through that closed door.
“Do I have a choice?” Eira’s voice sounded…broken. He had no other words for it. Nothing but that. Broken. Completely and utterly splintered apart.
“You’ll always have a choice,” Nesta assured her, her voice hard. “You don’t want to see him now? Then’ll wait until you feel ready for that.”
It was quiet for a moment, and he could hear her breathing…uneven…and then a quiet sniffle.
“I’ll talk to him.”
It was both the most beautiful and the scariest words he had ever heard in his life. Azriel had half a mind to take off running, but the shadows tightened around his wrist like a manacle.
Don’t even think about it, they hissed at him. You’ll go in there and you are going to apologise.
“Are you sure?” Nesta made sure.
“Yeah.” Her voice was shaking and sounding just as unsure as he was feeling. Neither of them had a clue what exactly to even say…what to…
Nesta was the one opening the door, fixing him with steely eyes. He already knew that there would be hell to pay if he upset Eira.
But he didn’t even get to think about that closer because the shadows outright dragged him into the room, nearly making him stumble as he entered.
Eira was sitting up in her bed…wearing a silky dressing gown pulled over her nightgown, hair pulled back into a braid…he had no idea where to stand or sit, but the shadows didn’t have that problem, coming to swarm to her, like…she was their favourite thing in the whole wide world.
They came to curl themselves over her shoulder and then around her hands and she reached out to pet one of them like one would maybe do to a cat.
“Eira,” he finally breathed out, staring at her.
The blue of her dressing gown brought out her eyes…somehow making her skin seem even paler…a blush high on her cheeks…dark circles under her eyes…she looked exhausted. Of course, she did. She had been stabbed by a fucking poisoned knife, he berated himself mentally.
“May…May I sit?” he blurted out, and she nodded, looking everywhere but at him, her bottom lip pulled between her teeth.
It was…
He managed to cross the room to the chair at her bedside and sit down on it…his shoulders so tight that it hurt.
She hasn’t thrown you out of the room yet, great job, the shadows sniped at him.
“I…”
“I…”
They both started at the same time, and she started at him, grey eyes wide.
“Let me…please,” he blurted out, his heart hammering in his chest. “I am so sorry.”
“You didn’t do anything,” Eira whispered, staring back down on her hands, tightly clenched into her bedding. She waved him off, even when her voice was thick with tears, even when…
“Yes, I did,” he disagreed. “I did a lot of things that weren’t right. And I’ll probably spend the rest of my life regretting them, Eira. I am sorry that I treated you like you didn’t matter…that you felt like you were worthless because of something I did…I am sorry that I never tried to really talk to you or…I am sorry that I let it go this far…and I am sorry because I knew better,” he apologised. It wasn’t enough.
Nothing that he could say, would be enough. But she still stared at him, wide-eyed, like she couldn’t believe the words that left his mouth. Her surprise poured all over their fledgling little bond.
“I should have questioned Elain about the earrings, but I didn’t,” he continued. “And I am sorry about the pain that that caused you.”
“The earrings?” Eira asked, her voice hoarse.
“Elain told me to buy them. I knew that your ears weren’t pierced but…I listened to her. She told me that you were thinking about getting them pierced and that you wanted them and…I am sorry,” he explained and she swallowed, her delicate throat wobbling.
“They are beautiful. I always thought so,” Eira whispered. Oh.
“Rhys showed you…” he stumbled over the words.
The babies? The shadows whispered excitedly. They were excited about that vision. After their screaming fury had subsided they had danced around him in pure delight at the prospect of babies .
“Elain’s vision? Yes,” Eira whispered quietly. “I…I understand if you don’t…” her voice shook as she trailed off and he stared at her.
“If I don’t?” he repeated dumbly. If he didn’t what? What had…
“Want me? I won’t keep you leashed to this bond. You don’t owe me anything,” Eira pressed thickly, a hand coming up to wipe away her tears and he could just stare at her.
“How can you say that?” he breathed. How could she just wipe away what she had seen and think he wouldn’t…He wouldn’t want his…Wouldn’t…fight hell itself for this? “I saw the future, Eira. I saw our children ,” he asked her desperately. “How can you say…How can you say that when you saw that vision? I want that life. I want that garden and I want our daughter and… I want you!”
“You want me because of that mating bond,” Eira whispered. “You…You wouldn’t want me otherwise. How is this fair to you?”
“That’s…” It was preposterous. It was…
“It’s the truth,” Eira whispered. “I am not going to shackle you to me.”
She said that like it was a fate worse than death to be mated to her. And not a gift from the mother herself.
Like he was going to regret it…and not thank the cauldron for the gift it had given him.
“Firstly, you wouldn’t be forcing me into anything,” Azriel started his voice even. “Secondly, being mated to you would be my privilege. It would not be a duty, it would be a gift. Thirdly, I was a fucking idiot, Eira. That’s what I was. I let myself be blinded by a pretty face. That’s what happened. Elain may think she is the beautiful one, but you are the kind one. She’s a monster,” he spat out. “I know she is your sister but she… She wanted to keep our children from us,” he whispered helplessly.
“I know that you are a good person. I know that you were willing to put your life on the line for your nephew… I know that you would protect our children ferociously.”
And that was more important to him than anything else.
“The mating bond is forcing you to...” She choked out, the tears finally brimming in her eyes and starting to fall.
Fix this, the shadows demanded sharply. You hurt her. Fix this now!
“The mating bond works two ways,” he finally brought out. “Is it forcing you?”
“What?” she stared at him, tears still falling and he reached out, with one horrible scarred hand and took her much smaller one in his.
“I swear to you, Eira…it’s not forcing me,” he promised her. “That’s not how a mating bond works. You could always refuse me,” he promised her.
The last thing he had expected was for her to snort.
“If I refuse the mating bond you could go mad, or worse,” she whispered. “You want me to believe that the Night Court would be alright with losing its spymaster and shadowsinger because I refused him his cauldron-given right?”
He could just stare at her in outright horror.
“Yes, of course,” he promised her hoarsely. “Eira, that’s not even a question. I would never force you.”
His father had done that to his mother.
“I was born and raised to be sold off to a man, any man that would be willing to take me because I wasn’t smart enough to find a Prince and I wasn’t pretty enough to marry for love and beauty like Elain. My mother liked to say that I would make a good farmer’s wife,” Eira said, her voice nearly emotionless. “Somewhere along the way, I started hoping that maybe he would actually want me for me. I should have known that that was ridiculous .”
No, it wasn’t ridiculous. It was…
He could understand that.
“It’s not ridiculous he said quietly. “And the mating bond is not forcing you on me, or doing anything that I do not want…If anything…it only opened my eyes to something I should have seen earlier.”
He watched his shadows twine around her hands again, obviously trying to comfort her.
“They were always much smarter than me,” he said quietly.
We are, they preened aloud so that Eira would hear them too. Master will not force you, and you didn’t force Master into anything. We still exist, too…we wouldn’t let either happen. They promised her brightly.
It was…something.
“Of course, you do,” Eira whispered with a wet little laugh, the sound so beautiful. “They kept me company sometimes. When I was alone in the evenings,” she said softly…a peace offering of sorts.
“They do tend to be smarter than me,” he reiterated and she gave him another little laugh.
And he watched her play with them for just a moment, thinking about what she had just told him.
Eira had never truly expected to have a choice in the man she was going to marry. Not as a human…and not known as a fae with a snapped mating bond.
So how…
Still…her humanity had been ripped from her. Taken away. Never to be returned.
So how…
“If I were human…how would this work?” he asked her, as a plan began to take shape for him.
She looked at him, startled, the shadows forgotten twirled around her fingertips.
“What?”
“If I were human and wanted to declare my intentions…if I wanted to court you… what would I do? If I wanted you to give me a chance? To let me grovel on my knees for your forgiveness,” he asked her.
Her eyes widened.
“You would ask my father’s permission to court me,” she explained quietly. “But…”
“He’s dead,” he ended the thought and she nodded.
“Yes,” she whispered. He was dead. But Nesta wasn’t.
“So if I were to ask you…would you give me a chance?” he said softly, lifting her hand to his mouth, ghosting a kiss across her knuckles. “We’ll do this your way. However, you want. So you are sure that you are not forcing me into anything and I am not forcing you. Everything at your pace,” he promised and she gave him a shaky smile.
And then she nodded, nearly shily.
But that little nod…that little nod…promised him a chance.
A chance to win her hand…a chance to earn that vision.
There was a knock at the door, and then Feyre and Nesta returned, a tray filled with food in Feyre’s hands.
“We brought you breakfast,” Feyre said, her voice filled with forced cheer. “I thought you may be hungry. Did you…two…clear the air?”
Eira nodded, a blush rising on her cheeks and he stood, letting go of her hand with a squeeze.
“Nesta, I would like to formally ask for your permission to court your sister,” he said, crossing his hands behind his back.
Surprise registered in Nesta’s eyes as she leaned her head to the side, mustering him.
“So that’s how you’ll go along with it?” she asked him, something like grudging respect and amusement in her voice.
He inclined his head.
“Granted,” Nesta said calmly. “Let’s have a talk about human courting customs. And how I’ll rip you into a thousands little pieces if you break her heart.”