Chapter Text
You took the helmet off your head and threw it on the ground with a fed-up growl.
“You seem distracted.” Obi-Wan said from your left, his voice calm yet laced with concern. He had noticed that your bursts of anger had become unexpectedly frequent over the past few days. The training droids were weak opponents, yet for some reason, you couldn’t seem to focus and predict their simple attacks.
You didn’t answer his comment, choosing instead to get up with a growl and summon your lightsaber, which had fallen far from you, with the Force. The hilt flew to your hand, and you ignited it with a forceful click. The bright glow from the blade illuminated the space around you, mingling with the lights outside the Jedi Temple that illuminated Coruscant. The sky was beginning to show darker tones, signaling the end of training time.
Your master, stood quietly, observing your struggle. He had recognized your potential the moment he took you as his Padawan. You were diligent and meticulous, often staying up late to perfect a technique or to read every book in the library about a particular topic, all of it just to not make any kind of mistake. This made your recent lack of focus and messy execution all the more puzzling.
Obi-Wan could sense that your mind was preoccupied with something foreign, something troubling. He hoped you would confide in him, as any capable Jedi would, but he feared it would not be that simple.
You bent down to retrieve the helmet with your free hand, feeling the cool, spherical object under your palm. Once you were back on your feet, you placed the helmet back on your head and assumed a fighting stance.
Determined to show your best combat, you began to move with precision, your lightsaber a blur of light as it intercepted the beams shot by the training droids.
For a moment, everything was in perfect synchrony. The Force guided your every movement, allowing you to see the exact spot each attack would land, even without direct vision. But then, as suddenly as it had come, the connection was severed. Darkness enveloped your mind, a void where the clarity of the Force had been. You were alone, adrift in an abyss of blackness.
It didn’t take long for a droid to exploit your distraction. A bolt of energy struck you, followed quickly by another, and another. Each impact was a sharp reminder of your disconnection. Obi-Wan, seeing your distress, deactivated the droids and waited for you to come to terms with your failure.
When you finally looked up, you found your master standing in front of you, arms crossed where the droids should have been. His expression was unreadable, a mixture of concern and disappointment.
“I almost did it, Master.” you said, removing the helmet and deactivating your lightsaber. This time, you didn’t explode in anger. Instead, you placed your equipment on a nearby table and took a deep breath, closing your eyes to center yourself. You knew a lecture was imminent.
“What are your concerns, young Padawan?” Obi-Wan asked, stepping closer. His voice was gentle, devoid of anger. “It’s not like you to act so impetuously. I can feel there is something you are not telling me, something that is troubling your mind and disrupting your focus. You must tell me what’s wrong, or it will only get worse.”
You bit your lip, the urge to confide in him battling with your fear of disappointment. “Master, there is no reason to worry. I’m probably just tired.”
“Don’t you rest at night? Is there a reason you are tired?” His questions were pointed, almost as if he already knew the answers. It was a tactic he used often, one that made him an excellent negotiator and persuader. But you knew him too well to be easily swayed.
“You have to trust me. I am fine. I just feel these droids aren’t challenging enough for me. I know I’m not showing my best right now, but I believe I cannot express my full potential against them.” The lie tasted bitter on your tongue, but there was no other choice. You couldn’t fully comprehend what was happening, and there was no way you could tell him. Someone so strict about the Jedi Code would not understand.
“I will believe you, but remember that if you need to talk, I am here.” Obi-Wan said, locking eyes with you. You both knew it was a lie, but if he couldn’t coax the truth out of you, there was nothing more he could do.
“Thanks, Master. I really appreciate it.” You wanted the conversation to end as quickly as possible. Your ability to keep secrets was poor, and you knew the truth could slip out at any moment, especially under his probing gaze.
You said goodbye and left the training room, eager to escape his scrutiny.
—
A couple of days passed, and you saw less of your master. The war kept everyone busy, and your interactions were limited to brief exchanges in the Temple. It was unusual for a Padawan to be so distanced from their master, but that had become your reality. Obi-Wan had taken you on missions before, but since your troubles began, he had become more detached. You hadn’t been completely honest, but you knew he hadn’t been either. You wanted to get to the bottom of it, but first, you needed to solve your own problems.
Every night since those initial dreams returned, you had been plagued by nightmares. In those moments, you were not yourself. Your mind was under the control of another being, and you were merely a spectator, forced to observe and feel. Whatever this entity was, it was powerful and consumed by uncontrollable rage.
You wished you could remember more from these experiences than just the sorrow and fury. Concrete details eluded you, replaced by blurred images and burning emotions. Tomorrow morning, you were supposed to meet with Obi-Wan. Before going to sleep, you attempted to meditate, seeking clarity, but it was futile. The moment sleep took hold, the darkness returned, more potent than ever.
It felt as though the chains keeping the monster at bay had finally broken, unleashing the darkness. In those dreams, you felt an insatiable need for something, or rather, someone. Only by ending this person could you feel accomplished and at peace. But who was this being driven by such horrific and violent desires?
You yearned to know the reason something like this was happening to someone like you, just another Jedi. Maybe it was some curse. Being Obi-Wan’s Padawan meant you couldn't be ‘just another Jedi’. But you weren't the chosen one, you weren't Anakin Skywalker, you couldn't live up to the expectations to be like him. You weren't trying though. You never considered yourself enough and it has always been fine, but maybe all of this meant you were something more than you thought. All that mattered now was to discover if it was intended for better or worse.
Throughout the night, you drifted between tormented sleep and turbulent awakenings, tossing and turning in your own sweat despite the cool breeze of Coruscant’s night air. The dreams persisted, each one a stark reminder of the battle waging within you, a battle you were desperately trying to understand and control.