Chapter Text
You make your way down the quiet corridor, your echoing footsteps the only sound, until you reach the library, just past the office you had been in with Euphrasie earlier. Inside the library, you make your way towards your ultimate goal. The secret library, hidden just out of sight.
Muscle memory guides you as you open up the passageway and slip inside. You hope that no one will find you back here.
Suicide should be private, after all.
That's not your only goal in coming here. You open the door to the secret library, looking at the musty old books on the shelves. There has to be something here. Sure, you looked through everything countless times, but you had been looking mostly for hints about how to beat the King or break the loops. Now you were here entirely just to find information about the island.
You can remember a certain moment. The first time you saw that awful shade, after defeating the King. It happened when you had tried to remember the name of your lost home, your island, and you died trying to say the name, hadn't you? You died, coughing up blood and bile so thick you choked on it.
If you could say the name now, would it break the curse? You didn't know but you were willing to die trying, literally. You had to die either way, you couldn't really make up for the awful, terrible, vile thing you had done. At least if you brought back your home that would ease the suffering of anyone else like the King. Anyone else from your home, alone and empty and wandering other lands just trying to find where they belong. If you could say the name and bring back your home, you might make up for the suffering you caused.
Besides, you weren't real anyway. If you died, Loop might just turn back into Siffrin. Wouldn't that be for the best? The real, original Siffrin should be with their family. Not you, the fake who stole Loop's happy ending away.
This would be a real happy ending. Everyone would be happy. You are certain. Your family wouldn't miss a fake like you anyway.
A memory comes to mind of Isabeau calling you his partner and you nearly falter for a moment.
You crush down those feelings. You weren't meant to be with Isabeau. You weren't meant to exist at all. YOU WON'T BE MISSED.
A nearby book is written in your mother tongue, looking at the title makes your head pound, so it has to be that. You pick it up, leafing through pages filled with tiny print that swam in front of your vision. Even trying to read it hurt you, but if you couldn't make out the words it wouldn't be helpful. You can't say a name you can't even read.
You place the book back and scan for a different one. One book seems to pop out at you, one you never looked at before in close detail. In Vaugardian, the title reads, “The Religions of the World.”
Interesting. The book looked older, something written before your country disappeared, so there was a good chance there was something written about the religion of your home here. Huh, maybe the universe even guided you here to read this! The Universe leads, you can only follow, after all.
You open the book, looking through the pages, your heart pounding in your chest. You feel a bit of panic, honestly. You don't want to be found here and you know this is taking a lot of time. More time than going to the bathroom, at least. You don't want the others to come looking for you. At least while you are still alive.
Even if your family doesn't notice your absence, Loop can feel your emotions and nothing you are feeling at the moment is particularly good. Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
You find a page that sends a sudden pang of pain right into your skull. You hadn't read any words on the page, but it's killing you (good!) to merely gaze upon the paper. This must be it. This must be the section on your home country. It had to be.
You don't look away from the page, despite every nerve in your body screaming at you to do so. You look, taking in the shape of the letters that must make up the name of your country. It had to be written there! It had to be, you just can't perceive it properly, the letters lose shape as soon as your eyes grace them, but the name has to be here! You can read it. Just read it!
Say it.
Say it.
Say it!
You open your mouth to speak, but the pain is too great, it jolts you, you can't keep your balance anymore and your shoulder hits the bookcase as you stumble. Several books fall off the shelf, scattering to the ground. You are so close. You just need to say the word in front of you, the one you can't read no matter how hard you try. You must say it!
it hurts
Something drips onto the page of the book. You're vaguely aware of a wetness on your face. You place your fingers on your face, just under your nose. When you pull them away, you can see that your nose is bleeding, the blood glistening against the dark fabric of your gloves.
You must be close. The Universe willing, you'll be able to say it, break this awful curse, and then lay down to die. Your suffering will be over soon. You know it'll be painful, dying that is, but you've done it so many times now.
This will be the last time you have to die, right?
A final rest does sound so very nice. A nap you never have to wake up from.
You try to see the name again. You swear you can see it, for just a moment. Your brain fills with familiar yet unfamiliar memories. Tall trees, the scent of pine, the lightless beaches, the salt in the air. You can almost see it, for a brief fleeting moment, a house that you swear brings back feelings of home. A person, standing next to you, pointing up at the night sky. You can see it all so clearly in your mind's eye. The name. It’s hanging by the tip of your tongue.
You. Can. Say. It.
You open your mouth, your nose dripping onto the book, trying to force the word out-
Oh no.
You look down and see the splattered blood on the page, blocking out several words. That's not what really catches your attention. The blood. It's…
That SHADE AGAIN.
You scream, throwing the book away from you like it's hot coals as you fall down to your knees.
It can't be happening again! It's inside you again! You're breaking! You are falling apart! The shade, that horrible shade! Get it out! GET IT OUT!
The panic overwhelms you so much you aren't entirely certain what happens next, all you know is that you somehow extracted the glass shard from your pocket, holding it against your neck with trembling hands, ready to SLIT and expel that awful shade from your body.
But you couldn't move your hand.
Because if you do this motion that you had done so many times, the perfectly practiced motion that would kill you in under a minute with minimal pain, it would definitely be permanent. But what choice do you have?
You let out a heaving breath, the glass slicing into your neck, a trickle of warm blood snacking down your neck. Just a little more.
Do it! Do it!
Do-
A hand grabs you, a sudden shock against your skin, as your hand is forced away from your neck.
“STOP IT.” A voice screams at you.
“No, no-” You cry out, your attempt to free yourself from that awful shade and your horrible life thwarted.
“What are you doing, Stardust?” Loop is crouched in front of you, looking more like a supernova than a star. Sparks emitting much farther from their head, their body swirling like the milky way, their entire being flickering in lightless gleams.
Ah. They were so mad at you this time.
“Please.” Your voice cracks as you struggle against their grip, trying to bring the glass back to your neck and end it all. “I just want to die.”
“You want to die?” Loop is furious, if they had a mouth you had no doubt they'd be baring their teeth at you right now. “You want to die? Huh? Well how about this, Stardust? How about we commit suicide together?”
You are so taken aback by Loop's words you don't even move your hand when Loop lets go of your hand, watching instead as they summon a knife you knew all too well into their own hand. They still had their dagger? Or was that your dagger? Did such a distinction even matter? Because at the moment they were holding the sharp end of the blade up to their own neck.
“Huh?” Was all you could gasp out, your throat felt like you had swallowed glass shards after trying to say the name of your island for so long.
“I can't take this anymore!” Loop shouted, the fury from earlier seemed to have only grown. “It's better if we both die, right? Right? It can be just like one of those blinding plays we like so much! A fitting end to a tragic tale that never could've had a happy ending! So let's let that final curtain crash down on us, here and now!”
Should you commit suicide with Loop?
- yes
- no
You can't even find the words to answer. Tears prick at your eyes as you look at them, all madness and anger as they hold a glinting dagger to their throat. You couldn't cry when you wanted to, when you were in the loops. Now, of course, when you don't want to cry, the tears come so freely.
“I don't want you to die.” You reach to where Loop is sitting across from you, gently tugging on their arm. “Please don't die.”
“But it's okay for you to die? How blindingly selfish.” Loop doesn't drop their arm, but they don't move towards ending their life either. “I never should've shown myself to you after you broke out of the loops. I should've just killed myself like I was planning and let you live your happy little perfect ending.”
“You were going to kill yourself?” You gasp at first, but honestly, you aren't that surprised. Loop begged you to kill them when you won your fight. Maybe you should've let them win during that fight. Maybe they wouldn't have hesitated to give the final blow like you did and Loop could've been living your life.
Not that you have a life. Not really. You aren't real. A fake. An imposter.
But you feel an awful creeping feeling snaking down your throat. Loop could've killed themself before you ever found out who they were.
What would you be doing right now if that was the case? Would you even still be alive?
“Yes.” Loop finally answers, as they put their hand down, the dagger lying in their lap and the brightness of their star fading back to normal. They take a deep breath in and release it slowly. “I was going to kill myself. I figured I'd try to fight you first, since I didn't have anything else to lose. But in the end I guess I'm selfish too, because I can't stand the thought of you dying either.”
Did that mean that Loop lost the fight on purpose? They didn't say that directly, but you could feel that meaning behind their words.
“You're the one suggesting a double suicide now though.” You slide a hand into your pocket, hiding your glass shard away before Loop tries to take it.
“Yes. Well.” Loop looks away from you. “I don't know what to do for you anymore. You refuse to talk to your family about anything and every time you are left alone you hurt yourself or attempt suicide. I don't know what to do to save you… maybe us both dying is the only way either of us will find peace.”
You feel an awful burning in your chest. You were putting Loop through such agony. If Loop was in your place right now, their rightful place as Siffrin, you are certain that they would be doing a much better job.
You really just want to die. You know Loop can feel that emotion and guilt starts to pile on top, which only makes you feel more guilty.
Stars!
You hate this!
“Loop.” You finally say, drawing their eyes to your single eye. “It's okay, you can live, and even if I die, I was never the real Siffrin to begin with. If everything took place in just this one timeline, then I'm something the Universe created to grant your wish, so it's better if you take my place now that everything is over. I'm a fake person.”
Loop's eyes open wider in utter shock. “What are you talking about? If anyone is a fake here, it's me.”