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James didn’t know what day exactly he had decided to search for him. It was one of those impulses that catches you by surprise, and it was one of the few times in his life he didn’t have a single doubt in his course of action.
It might have been on his afternoon walk, when the evening sky was rosy and streaked with gray clouds sitting above the horizon. The ocean was so large, and he was so small, and so alone. A pang of grief stopped him in his tracks, as the ache of years of loneliness grew so painful in his chest he couldn't ignore it, rendering him almost unable to breathe. The pain brought him to his knees, and he recalled that morning at the physician's office, where he had been warned of the worsening conditioning of his heart. Realizing he was no longer a young man, a name he had not let himself think of for five years appeared in his mind. Anthony.
It wasn’t hard to track him down, a couple of strategic contacts and brief correspondence - “Met a chap named Antony in North Africa?” “Ship made a landing last month, you say?”, directed him where to find the appropriate records.
It was hard enough to keep track of anyone as the war ended, and despite his best efforts getting word from North Africa was even harder. He knew Major Anthony Havers had survived the war with a few medals, but his whereabouts he did not know. Doubts began to enter his mind of ever finding him.
It was 1945 and Berlin had surrendered. It was a cold day in Weymouth, the Captain was idly listening to the officers' radio waves when his luck turned. An event was being held at Button House for ranking officers. Surely as a decorated veteran Major Antony would be there. With the same clarity of mind he had when looking down the sight of a rifle, he made plans to attend the servicemen gala.
He found him, finally, standing in the glow of the afternoon light that streamed in through the large bay windows of the Button manor. Major Havers was flocked by stuffy lieutenants and generals of the sort, but it was easy enough to draw him away from the crowd when their eyes met across the hall. The warm brown eyes that pulled his heartstrings were the same, but the scar that was only just beginning to heal on his left jaw was new. James felt a new sense of gratitude at his decision, the reality of the close call marking just how precious this moment was.
The window sill looked upon the garden, in fact it was the Captain's old office, occupied only by a couple of boxes and the two men, who sat on the window ledge embracing.
They stayed like that for a while, the younger man wrapped in the older man's arms. The fear of being found like this was a distant thought as the creaks and groans of the well worn home would alert them to any intruder. They were alone together at last, sharing this moment they had denied themselves for too long.
Smiling warmly, Havers asked, almost in a whisper, if he could kiss him. James had come so far to see Anthony, and he had worried over so many things in his life, but in this moment he couldn't seem to find a single fault in this moment. Their first kiss was gentle, and very special, yet it caused the Captains heart to pound fiercely, and he realized with a shuddering start that it may have been the first time in his entire life that he had allowed himself to feel something like this.
“I didn't know how much I needed you until I left. I missed you so much,” breathed Havers as he broke the embrace, still leaving little room between them.
“You'll have to move, if any circulation is to remain in my legs.”
“Well you certainly have some circulation left..." Havers said as he shifted slightly on the Captains lap.
The suggestive reamark left the Captain flustered. Unable to respond Havers brushed another kiss on his lips, and started feeling up James' jacket and tugging at his tightly tucked in shirt, Moving to kiss to his exposed neck, the other hand grasping at the mans nape, Anthony teased the tender skin along his neck and ears. The Captain didn't resist, how could he after so long waiting, the self repulsion he had carefully aimed at himself for so long was nowhere to be found. He found his own arms wrapping tightly around the younger man sitting in his lap, allowing himself to be adored. He understood now what it was like to have something to hold onto so dearly you couldn't bear letting it out of your sight again.
Anthony had known his feelings for his superior officer on their last evening stroll together at Button House. He adored the man that shared himself so openly, his intelligence and enthusiasm for war at odds with his gentle nature. He knew that James felt pain every time he sent another young man to the front line, the grief he held in when news came in the post that they were not returning. The Commanding Officer may never have been on the front line, but everyone shared a type of wound spread by the great loss by the war, a collective scar on the country.
So after 5 years of pain, grief, and worry, he finally was able to smother and consume the object of 5 years of hurt, and he found it hard to hold himself back.
After a considerable amount of time, where jackets had been removed and some shirt buttons had been undone, Anthony moved to sit next to James, still leaning his weight against the mans broad shoulders. They sat like that, hands intertwined, both thinking of how lucky they were to have survived the war long enough to see each other again.
“You won't be shipping yourself to front line anytime soon without me lieutenant, or should I say, Major.”
“God willing there's peace," sighed Havers.
James looked somber, vulnerable now as he pleaded “don’t go where I can’t follow Anthony, not again.”
“Is that an order, Captain?”, smiling now, Havers turned to his officer, somehow always able to ease any anxieties with his easy affection.
The sun that streamed into the windows of Button House warmed the old Captain's fluttering heart, and he found himself smiling back. The serenity of the moment bolstered his confidence as he shared his last confession.
“I'm taking care of my mother by the seaside, it's not much but it's a comfortable home, three rooms and a garden, you can stay if you need a place-” James blurted out in his gruff commanding tone that did not match the tenderness of his proposal.
“I'd love to,” Havers interrupted.
This time James initiated the kiss, a shared promise to remain at the others side.
“Says he’s got some extra help to take care of his mother, cousin or other, not sure from where, but bless them for taking care of his mother, gave his sister a chance to move and start her own family,” chatters the two old nans at the shops, looking at the blue cottage home. “The other eldest daughter has kids of her own. The son doesn’t have a wife and children, shell shock they say. His father was a Major Captain General in the Great War, looks like he followed in his steps.”
The family were aware of the local gossip, but paid it no mind. James' mother was no longer a young woman, and she accepted Anthony as a war buddy of James, happy for the company of the nice young man who would share a dance with her when the radio played, jovially switching to dance with her son after.
No longer did James have to talk to his pillow at night alone. He had someone to share his thoughts and fears to. Around Anthony, every twisted up insecurity unraveled itself from his being, leaving him space to open up and allow new life to grow. As for Anthony, he adored the parts of James he had been taught to hate, the many years he had spent trying to hide himself they made up for in kisses and dances and shared meals. His posture relaxed, and his heart health improved, a smile came easier and laughter was often heard in the seaside home.
He had tried desperately to follow in his fathers footsteps, but the office had never fit him the way it had others. Here in their kitchen, looking out onto the garden where Anthony was reading, James, or Jimmy, as Havers liked to tease, finally felt at ease. They carved their own place in the world they could call their own.