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Look, I never wanted to be a half-blood. But when my drug addict mother barged into my room, looked me in my blue orbs and screamed “KIM CHI, YOU’RE GETTING SOLD TO ONE DIRECTION!”, I knew I had to take drastic measures. I needed to go to Hogwarts School of Bitchcraft and Lizardry.
The minute I stepped on the platform for the sorting ceremony, I knew I was cooked. The sorting hat took one look at me, and before I could even connect my hair strands to its soft inner lining, it screeched, “DIVERGENT!”
”Jiminy Crickets!” Cried the Headmaster. “We got another rice-eating one! Rejoice Cho Chang, your sister Kim Chi is here.”
“What’s good homie?” Cho Chang asked, high-fiving Kim Chi. “Why’s your name Kim Chi?”
Kim Chi looked directly at the camera, breaking the wall like in Fleabag. “I’m a Korean character written by a transphobic white woman who couldn’t be bothered to read like, a single book.”
Cho Chang looked unfazed. “Samesies!” she exclaimed, and immediately kissed Kim Chi on the mouth.
“BRITISH CIGARETTES,” yelled Snape. But nobody paid him much heed, instead the Great Hall instantly became a safe space for lesbians as they promptly set every man on fire.
”I’m Hozier,” said Hozier.
Kim Chi started sobbing. “My favourite he/him lesbian😭😭😭😭. After Draco Malfoy, of course.”
Draco Malfoy threw his platinum blonde hair in a messy ponytail and let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. “It’s true. I reveal this in my book, ‘Draco Malfoy and the Philosopher’s Stone.’ It all started when my mother sold me to One Direction for drugs.” He pulled a crisp green apple from his pocket. In front of his eyes, the apple anthromorpjizzed and left a tender kiss upon his lips.
Suddenly, a portal appeared out of thin air, and out of it flew a small man who was straight up “jorking it.”
”And by “it””, said the man. “Haha. Let’s justr say. My peanits.”
The crowd erupted into cheers. Obama was there and he immediately started to breakdance to Cardi B’s magnum opus, WAP.
“WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS, MOTHERFUCKER?” thundered Dumbledore calmly.
”I caaan’t really explain it,” said the little man. “I haven’t got the words.”
“Are you a lesbian?” Kim Chi asked the man politely.
He nodded. “I looove hummus.”
“That’s Lebanese, you stupid fuck,” said Cho Chang, ready to douse him in gasoline.
”No, it’s actually Hamas,” explained Minerva McGonagall. “Mm. Mm. Mmm. I just looove Hamas.”
”Ello luv,” said an alluring British voice.
”Who are you?” Kim Chi asked, smelling fish and chips and unseasoned potatoes.
”It’s Harry Stoiles luv,” he said, taking a drag from his penis-shaped bong. “Yer mum sold you to me.”
Cho Chang leapt to her feet and came (yes, CAME) in between Harry Stoiles and Kim Chi.
”If you want her, you’ll have to fight me!” she screamed.
“Wot, wiv yer stupid wand?” asked Harry.
“No,” she intoned, and saying this, pulled a glock out of her wig, then went ahead and shot Harry right between the eyes.
”Who’s watermelon sugar high now, mother fucker?!” she whooped.
Kim Chi’s jaw dropped to the floor. The same floor where Harry Stoiles’s dead body lay bleeding, and the little man continued to ‘straight up jork it’. Nobody had ever stood up for a loser like Kim Chi before… but despite Cho Chang’s heroism, it was Her Choice. She was Choosing this. She was a #WomanEmpoweredFeminismLiberationGirlbossGirlPowerSHE-EO.
”Marry me, Cho Chang,” she let out breathlessly.
Cho Chang’s smile disappeared, and a few tears escaped the corners of her eyes, like a leaking sink. “I would… if it weren’t for the baby.”