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“Can you see me?” The girl asks, unbearably close, bringing with her a gust of cold air, and the smell of damp dirt.
“Yeah,” Buck whispers out in the dark, the void. “I see you.”
He sees them. Has his whole life. Maddie sees them too, but they don’t flock to her as they do to him. He’s never understood it.
“You can see me,” A man whispers in his ear, icy cold against his skin, as he harnesses up. “You can help me. You need to help me.”
“Leave me alone,” Buck mutters back. “Go away, I’m working. I can’t help you.”
“What was that, kid?” Bobby asks, turning back to look at him.
“Nothing,” Buck says. “Absolutely nothing, Cap. Ready to go.”
He’s gotten used to ignoring them, he has to be a functioning adult, but every so often one catches him off guard. Today is one of those days.
There’s a man in turnouts leaning over Chimney, and before Buck can ask if they’ve gotten a new guy, the guy spots him, sends him, a wink, and vanishes. He knows what this is. He knows the signs. Chimney is being haunted, and Buck can’t tell if that’s good or bad.
“You alright, Buckaroo?” Chimney asks, brushing past him with a concerned look.
“Y-Yeah,” Buck breathes. “Yeah, I’m a-alright.”
A week later, during the rebar incident, he discovers it was Kevin Lee, Chimney’s brother.
“He’s gonna be fine,” The man beside him says after they manage to get him out of the car. “I saved him.”
“I know,” Buck says, his eyes still not leaving the ambulance even as his words ooze false confidence. There’s no way that Chimney could’ve survived the rebar through his head without ghostly interference, and Buck could smell dirt all over him despite being almost spotless.
“Surprised you can see me, not many people can. A gift.” The man says. “I’m Kevin. Kevin Lee. Howie’s brother.”
“More like a curse,” Buck says before he can stop himself and Kevin chuckles. Buck doesn’t have time to discuss that with him though. “You moving on? See the light or whatever? Heaven or I guess not hell?”
“Nah, I got to stick around,” Kevin says, chuckling. “He’s going to need my help getting home in the future. Say hello to your sister for me.”
He’s gone before Buck can ask what he means and how he knows Maddie.
_______
He knows when he sees Shannon broken on the crossway, there is no good way this could end. She had been hit on, and judging by the sound her chest makes when she breathes, she doesn’t have much time.
Chimney allows Eddie to ride in the ambulance to say goodbye, and Buck prays. She has to get through this, for Chris and Eddie. He refuses to believe otherwise. He doesn’t know, truly, if she’s going to make it, but he takes comfort in the fact he can’t see her ghost.
And when they get to the hospital, and Shannon is suddenly in front of him, he knows.
“No,” He tells her, not caring about what he looks like, talking to someone no one else can see. He knows why she’s out here, flickering in the in-between, the awful smell of dirt and old air around them, and she can’t leave Chris, not again. “They’re going to be devastated. No, you can’t leave them, you can’t do that again.”
He should feel guilty, almost yelling at a dead woman, a dead woman his best friend loved. He knows deep down it’s not that simple and with the sad, wistful smile she gives him, she knows it too.
“Take care of my boys, Evan Buckley.”
“I will,” He promises her, tears pricking at his eyelids. “I will. I promise. I’ve got them.”
“Do you think she went to heaven?” Christopher asks him later that night, after he got a drunk Eddie to bed, and Christopher has seemingly cried himself out for the night. Buck hums lightly as he catches sight of Shannon sitting in Christopher’s desk chair, a heartbroken expression on her face as she studies her son.
“Yeah,” He lies, sending a nod in her direction. “Yeah, buddy, she went to Heaven. I bet it’s beautiful up there.”
“You think she’s eating smores?” Christopher asks, his voice incredibly small.
“Yeah, I think she is.”
“I wish… I wish she was eating smores with me,” Tears soak through his shirt as he brings Christopher closer.
“I know,” He whispers, dropping kisses on his head. “I know. I wish she was too.”
______
“He’s going to kill you too,” The woman says. He recognizes her from the news that morning. One of the bombing victims. She opened a package. Never knew anything different. It was over instantly. He remembers being glad they didn’t get attached to that call. “You’ll never see it coming. You’re going to die out here.”
He closes her eyes, desperate for her to go away. He doesn't need this, his entire body burns.
“You’re not gonna die out here,” Shannon’s voice tells him. “You need to open your eyes, Buck, you need to listen to Eddie. You have to get home.”
She doesn’t understand. He’s on fire. It’s too hot. He’s not going to make it out of this, and if he does, it’ll be only with one leg, and then his life will mean nothing.
“Christopher needs you,” Shannon whispers to him, and Eddie soothes him. Hold on, buddy, we’ve got you. “You need to fight, Buck. Fight. Get back to my boy.”
“I can’t,” He sobs to her. “I can’t. I can’t-”
“You can,” Shannon tells him, her hand reaching out to cup his cheek as if to comfort him. “You can. I need you to try. Crawl. Crawl, Buck. Now.”
He’s so sure he’s going to be sick from the pain, but he pulls himself forward anyway. He has too. He doesn’t want to die out here. He can’t die out here. People are counting on him, they’re lifting the thing he loves the most, the thing that’s causing him the most pain he’s ever felt in his life, off of him
“Crawl, Buck. You’re almost there,” Shannon says. “You’re almost free. You’ve got this. Tell Eddie I love him, please. When you can.”
“There you go,” Eddie says, almost frantically, as they load him up in the stretcher. “There you are, I’ve got you.”
“Shannon says she loves you,” Buck tells Eddie almost automatically before darkness slowly closes in on him. He misses Eddie’s terrified, frantic glance.
_______
He wants to call Maddie a liar, he would’ve known he had a brother, especially one that died, he can see ghosts for fuck’s sake, but something in her eyes tells him she’s telling the truth, and Buck suddenly can’t breathe. He has to get out of there. He can’t be there. He’s being haunted by something he can’t see, something he had no idea that even existed.
He sees him for the first time when he gets home, sitting on top of his loft stairs. And for a moment it feels like he’s looking into the past. Daniel could be him as a kid, the only thing that’s missing is the pink splotches above his eyebrow.
“Daniel,” Buck breathes, his eyes scanning his older brother. And within moments, tears are pouring from his eyes. “I’m… I’m so sorry.”
Daniel doesn’t say anything at first, just studies him with eyes that are far too wise for a nine-year-old, before shaking his head.
“No, I’m sorry,” Daniel says. “I’m your big brother. I should’ve looked after you. Maddie asked me not to come to you. Said you would be sad. I didn’t want to make you sad anymore.”
Buck nods, his heels rubbing anxiously at his eyes, as he sits down next to his brother, the smell of cold, damp dirt, the smell he only associates with the death and rain now, comforting for the first time in his life.
“Yeah,” He mumbles. “Yeah.”
“I love you,” Daniel says. “You weren’t ever going to fix me. I wish they hadn’t made you try.”
_______
“I’ve been competing with a ghost my whole life, and I had no idea.” Buck snaps as he pummels the punching bag.
“You never saw him?” Eddie asks.
“No, no I never saw him. He said Maddie told him to stay away.” Buck snarls, his chest aching in a way he doesn’t understand. “He said Maddie told him to stay away.”
“I’m sorry, bubba,” Daniel whispers off to the side, and Buck flinches away. “I love you.”
“Come on,” Eddie says, casting a look around the room. “Let's go get you some water, preferably away from all the ghosts.”
Buck doesn’t see Daniel again.
______
“I get it now,” Lev says. “I understand now.” Buck doesn’t have a chance to ask him what he means, he dies, and his ghost only flickers once briefly before he disappears.
______
Buck sees Daniel just before the lightning strike.
“Close your eyes,” Daniel whispers to him. “It won’t be as scary.”
Buck listens. And when he opens them again, everything is all wrong. He fights it. Daniel isn’t alive, and Bobby isn’t dead. Maddie isn’t with Doug, and Eddie and Christopher are okay. He has to get back. So, he does.
______
He smells her before he sees her. The small Italian woman staring at him, Tommy, and Jee.
“I’ll be back, babe,” Buck tells Tommy before wandering over to her. He studies her out of the corner of his eyes. She looks just like Tommy. There’s no mistaking who she is.
“You’re Tommy’s mom, aren’t you?” Buck says out of the corner of his mouth, his eyes trained on where his boyfriend is laughing with Jee in the ocean.
“Yes,” The woman says. “You’re Tommy’s boyfriend.”
It’s not a question, just a quiet wonder-filled statement.
“I am;” He says, nodding slightly. “Does that bother you?”
“No,” Tommy’s mom says quietly, shaking her head. “I-no. You make him happy, I don’t think I’ve ever seen him so happy. I wasn’t around much when I was alive, I was obsessed with the idea of being in love. He might not talk about me, but he’s mad at me. I know he is, and I don’t blame him. It took me dying to realize what I had. Thank you for realizing what I didn’t. He’s never really lived, you know? Not even as a child. Always too serious, my Tommy was. Too held down with pain, anger, and fear. You’ve opened his whole world.”
“No,” Buck tells her with a soft smile. “He opened mine.”
Tommy’s mom smiled at him.
“Take care of my son? Tell him I love him, and I’m sorry?”
“Always.” He promises. “I will.”
She smiles one last time, her hand lightly ghosting his cheek, and disappears into the horizon. He waits for a moment, feeling the slight press of grief, before rolling up his pants legs to join his boyfriend and niece.
“You alright, baby?” Tommy asks, and Buck has to admire how good he looks with Jee in his arms for just a moment before nodding.
“Yeah,” Buck says, grinning. “Your mom said to tell you she loves you, and she’s sorry.”
“You saw her?” Tommy asks, blinking slightly, before glancing around as if he could see her. “Is she okay?”
Buck nods.
“Yeah, honey, she’s okay.” He tells her. “She seems at peace.”
Tommy nods, and in a whisper, Buck almost doesn’t hear, he says “ Ti amo anch'io, Mama. Arrivederci.”
The sunset winks almost like she could hear him, and Tommy lets out a breath, relaxing into his skin in a way Buck’s never seen.
“I love you,” Buck tells him.
“I love you too, baby,” Tommy presses a kiss to his temple. “Now come join us. Jee and I are having tons of fun, aren’t we, baby girl?”
“Uncle Tommy fun,” Jee tells him, nodding her head seriously, and Buck can do nothing but laugh.
The waves lap at their ankles, Tommy’s wet curls cling to his forehead, as he laughs at whatever story Jee is telling him in his arms, and for the first time in his whole life, Buck feels at peace.