Chapter Text
One month passed quickly. The bar had stopped doing the hipster thing despite earning them money. It hadn’t been a discussion or a unanimous decision, it was just that, well. People didn’t come back once they saw the gang being themselves. After all they couldn’t change who they were beyond what they had done to the appearance of the bar. Regardless of that outcome, there were a few new clients who had decided to stick around and became regulars. Mac didn’t care that much; he’d only helped around whenever it made sense, and he was able to benefit from it. He’d be lying if he said he wasn’t relieved. Pretending to not roll his eyes at whatever conversation he overheard from the new clientele they were getting had been tiresome enough.
In just the span of four weeks, Mac had become less moody and mostly focused on working. He was having a hard time not thinking too much. Especially in regard to his friendships or his position in the gang. But it was best, as Dennis always said, to just push it all down, deep inside that empty box that he held onto with so much force, full of his feelings. Wait until it flows naturally to the bottom, which would make him not remember painful things of the past. Of course, what helped Dennis sleep at night surfaced in other ways that Mac had to mend and care for. Would Dennis do the same for him? Had he done it before, when Dennis would wrap an arm around Mac’s shoulders, cradle his face and call him baby when they pretended to be other people ( It’s part of the appeal, what’s so hard to get? Dennis would say) instead of Mac and Dennis? Had it all been to appease Mac’s emotional outbursts or a way to get closer that protected Dennis’ carefully crafted image?
You think too much, Mac. You’re not a natural thinker, boy.
Those are just things that his dad expressed with a gruff voice before taking a hit from his joint. He would blow the smoke in Mac’s face, both standing in front of their local church, the priest throwing dirty looks at Luther. Mac had many questions. Most were about God. What it meant. Why did they go only twice a month while Charlie’s mom went every week. How did God create the world. Why was he the one to cook mac and cheese most nights so his mother would eat. Where did his dad go every day if he didn’t work a normal shift. And why did both of his parents smell like booze. Those were questions that a child shouldn’t ask their tired, overworked parents. That’s what Mac had learnt over the years. Over the bruises and burn marks he’d learn to hide in high school under his oversized clothes.
Dennis had told him something similar. How despite not being very smart, Mac just loved to think about the wrong things. And thinking led to sad feelings. That’s something Dennis learnt to push deep down and ignore. It was easier. As many things in life that seemed easy for others, Mac seemed to struggle with the concept of pushing down his feelings. He couldn’t do that, not after becoming keenly aware of them. Hiding his interest in men had been a reaction, something he had to do out of survival, that is how he understood it after years of praying, crying, and the nauseating reminder building up beneath the nail marks he’d pressed against his skin anytime he had desired a man. It had been the easiest thing to repress because there were consequences. God’s words, Luther’s teachings, Dennis’ advice. They all had become a blur of a reality Mac wasn’t shaped for. A never-ending lesson he couldn’t decipher.
As for Mac and Dennis, well. They had been different. Closer. There wasn’t a word for what they shared, for what they were for each other. But if he had to explain the outcome of their alleyway fight, Mac would say that he’d been sleeping in Dennis’ room almost every night. Sometimes they had sex. Sometimes they talked for hours about the same stories, jokes, fears, and feelings they’d known for decades. Some had been new, like Dennis admitting he was scared of death, of being a deadbeat father, how aging was making him boring and lifeless. Others were old, like Mac retelling how much he loved his father but hadn’t heard of him in years, that his mom wouldn’t say much in their calls, that he felt guilty for all the years he’d been in the closet. How it might’ve affected him more than the gang thinks. That, sometimes, he’d get so lonely he would convince himself the gang wouldn’t mind if he left them for good.
Just normal things two roommates in their late forties talked about in bed. The same bed they slept in, surrounded by a combination of their smells, broken dreams, and whispers. Mac’s pillow smelling of Dennis’ perfumes. His skincare products. Dennis’ clothes tainted with Mac’s aftershave and the face cream Dennis bought him. In fact, things were so normal that they hadn’t spoken about whatever it was they were doing, didn’t mention how they had sex multiple times a week, and kissed so often that Mac’s hands stopped shaking. It didn’t matter because they were still just roommates. They were going at Dennis’ pace and Mac knew that talking about feelings was not an option. In fact, having a serious conversation had no reason to exist in their relationship. But Mac wanted so badly, he imagined the ways they could do it, what would happen afterwards. It usually ended with Dennis telling him to go fuck himself. Other times, he allowed himself to daydream about it, a world where Dennis would hug him so tight, whisper into his ears about how much he loves Mac. But even as Mac lay there, staring at the ceiling, he couldn’t help but feel the weight of all the unsaid things pressing down on him. The silence between them wasn’t peaceful anymore; it was suffocating. Each touch, each glance, held a thousand words that neither of them dared to speak. And while Dennis seemed perfectly content in their unspoken arrangement, Mac's heart ached for something more. Something real. He wondered how long he could keep pretending that this was enough, that Dennis' quiet affection, hidden behind sarcastic remarks and casual sex, was all he ever wanted.
They were closer than ever, and yet, Mac felt incredibly faraway from Dennis.
It hurt Mac more than he wanted to admit. Each kiss and gentle look got lost inside this new storm attached to his chest. He wanted Dennis to smile and be at ease around him. Not go back to the resentful, unspoken atmosphere that had built up over the years. But after a month of not-dating dating, their routine had emphasized fragile nature between them, how quick it would be for them to shatter what they’d built. But if Mac could have Dennis. If he could hold him one more time. Could chase after his lips that tasted like coconut chapstick. The perfect amount of Dennis behind it, forceful and gentle, soft and rough. If Mac could be with Dennis without having him, then it had to be enough. It had to.
Enough was good. It had to appease his hunger. It could swallow him whole. It had to be enough for Mac. Otherwise, he’d lose Dennis again. Losing Dennis would break him. So, he’d ignore the throbs of pain that coursed through his veins and focus on what made Dennis comfortable, instead of grieving what they could become if they talked.
It was all about Dennis. It would work.
***
Dennis slipped into his suit jacket, fixing his hair so only a thin strand of his curl would fall on his forehead. He checked the watch on his wrist, resting then his hands on his hips, turning his head to the right and the left to see if the very light foundation he’d put on was blended properly. He hadn’t worn much makeup beside the basics (just to hide some blemishes). And maybe it had to do with the amount of times Mac had told him he looked gorgeous with or without it, maybe he’d gone lazy, too old, too tired for the perfected aesthetic he’d had for so long. Anyhow, Dennis redid his belt, tying it a little looser. He was wearing a pair of dark brown pants, a fitted white shirt almost fully buttoned up, and the green jacket. Perfume, check. Glossy lips, check. Mac, uncheck.
He meant to ask Mac out while they ate breakfast, having a quiet Saturday morning, but Mac had left to buy them groceries as soon as they finished washing the dishes. Dennis bit his finger, chastising himself for doing so. He sighed and finished putting on his date shoes, just a pair of black, sleek and elegant ones that matched with his black belt. Dennis sat in the living room, scrolling through the notifications on his phone, responding to Charlie’s inquiries about the plans they had for next week. Dee and Dennis had wanted to do a movie night, downloading a bunch of new films for them to enjoy. Lucky for Charlie’s strange line of emoticons asking about it, Dennis had explained Mac would host (since he loved doing so) and they’d buy food this time around, instead of pretending to enjoy Mac’s strange cooking recipes he’d seen online.
The door opened just as Dennis had left the group chat on seen, not bothering to respond to Dee and Frank’s jokes. Mac was carrying three bags full of groceries, a layer of sweat covering his forehead and forearms, and a long-sleeved tee bunched up. Dennis checked the time again. It was nearing five O’clock, so they had time for Mac to get ready before leaving for the movie theater. Mac turned off his headphones, putting them on the counter beside the grocery bags, not aware of Dennis at all. Dennis rolled his eyes fondly, so much for Paddy's security guard. Mac was putting the items away, organizing the kitchen exactly how they’d been doing so for years. Dennis approached him with quick and smooth movements, almost as if he was a snake about to pounce on his pray. But in this case, Dennis hugged Mac from behind, making the other man freeze while holding butter.
‘Hey Den, what’s up?’ Mac’s shoulders sagged, now relaxed after realizing it was Dennis and not a stranger wanting him dead. ‘You smell sweet, is that your ‘going out’ perfume?’
Dennis’ cheeks heat up in embarrassment, picking up the items from Mac’s hands and putting them in their place before coming up close to the other man again.
‘Do I not smell good all the time, hm?’ Dennis flipped Mac so they’d be facing each other, pressing him against the counters, crossing his wrists at the nape of Mac’s neck. Mac smiled at the open affection he was getting in broad daylight.
‘Yeah, guess so. But you also look ready for a date,’ Mac’s large hands were resting on Dennis’ hips, squeezing. He stared up at Dennis with a quiet demeanor, their small height difference noticeable now Dennis was wearing those shoes. Mac looked him up and down, gaze riddled with curiosity and something else. ‘Uh, are you going out? With someone?’ Mac fluttered his long eyelashes in that pretty way Dennis liked. Sometimes hated.
Mac was an insecure person. Dennis was, too, at times. He just did a better job at hiding it. Mac didn't, which is why a lot of people had broken his heart over the years, including his family. And Dennis didn’t love coddling Mac, having to give him a pep talk, using a soothing voice so he’d calm down. In fact, Dennis might’ve stopped doing it years ago, tired of Mac never believing him, always relying on his words but not hearing them out. But at that moment, Mac’s insecurity felt new. Denis licked his lips before closing the gap between them, nibbling Mac’s earlobe, enjoying the sudden gasp coming from the other man. Mac didn’t sound jealous or possessive, no, the question had carried one of his insecurities. Dennis nudged Mac’s jawline with his nose. Mac swallowed hard, rubbing Dennis’ waist and hips in a repetitive motion, not sure whether that had been Dennis’ response or if he would explain himself.
It was fear. Mac was afraid of Dennis going out on a date with someone else. It filled Dennis’ chest with something akin to… no. Not that . But something close to an affectionate appreciation for the other man. He ran his fingers through Mac’s soft hair, thoroughly enjoying the attention.
‘Mm… what do you think? Who would I take with me?’ Dennis swayed back and forth in a slow tandem, hands sliding down Mac’s body until they rested on the dip of his muscular yet slim waist.
It had softened up over the years which Dennis secretly liked. He gripped him with more force than needed, but it always made him smile whenever Mac jumped back, unsure if the light pain was supposed to make him feel good or not.
‘Huh, wait. You have…’ Mac’s left hand stayed put in Dennis’ hip, but his right one carefully picked up an eyelash that laid on Dennis’ cheekbone. He brought it up close to Dennis, childish grin softening Mac’s mature features. ‘Make a wish!’ Mac held the eyelash between his fingers, eyebrows raised in expectation and tender admiration.
Dennis frowned, none of his wishes ever became true anyway. But Mac’s soft gaze was enough for him to do as told. Dennis opened his eyes, laughing at Mac’s own eyes that were also shut.
‘Did you make a wish too?’ Dennis wondered, cupping Mac’s face with his hands.
Mac opened them, a cheeky smile appearing again. ‘Maybe. I wished for a-’ he started to explain, but Dennis licked into Mac’s half-open mouth, shutting him up before he went on in another one of his tangents.
It took Mac’s brain a few seconds to kiss him back, melting into Dennis’ strong hold. They made out for what might’ve been hours -but were actually five minutes-, moaning into each other’s mouths. Dennis pushed Mac so he’d fully sit on the counter, stacking himself between Mac’s thick thighs, hands resting on top of them so Dennis could feel them up, despite him wearing loose black cargo pants. Mac pushed his tongue inside Dennis’ hot mouth, lapping the inside of it like he was thirsty to explore. Dennis bit Mac’s bottom lip, pulling at it until he heard a whine coming from Mac, whose back was arched, chest heaving. Mac pulled Dennis’ hair, yanking without real force behind it, just a little so it would make Dennis’ shiver in delight, whimpering lowly into the other man. Dennis moved his hands, searching for Mac’s zipper, his fingers working with noticeable urgency.
‘Den, gimme me- gimme a second,’ Mac stuttered out with his hands pressing gently against Dennis’ shoulders. ‘What about your date?’
Dennis was panting loudly, holding onto Mac’s belt. Worry filled Mac’s expression, clouded with apprehension. His hair was disheveled, lips so red and puffy Dennis hadn’t meant to but kissed them again, tongue licking into Mac so sweetly and slowly it made them rut against each other, rubbing their clothed crotches with eagerness. Mac’s legs had circled Dennis’ hips, moaning into the kiss. Dennis’ stomach tightened, each brush of their mouths making Mac more pliant, a contrast to the first time they had sex when Dennis had felt Mac’s strong grip and rough touches. Strangely enough, he liked the versatility, how he could get Mac so desperate he'd pin Dennis against the wall and ravish him right there, bruising his wrists and knees, taking whatever he wanted. But there were other times, like this one, where Dennis would strip Mac to his most exposed and unguarded nature. The type of vulnerability he wouldn’t let others see as he let Dennis and it fed Dennis’ ego, to know Mac would let out a quiet whine at the feeling of Dennis’ teeth nipping and licking the jut of his jawline. That if he angled his hands just right, he could tighten his grip on Mac’s neck just right, hear that soft intake of air before it got to be overwhelming, legs parting for Dennis only.
Just when they’d seamlessly fell into the rhythm of each other’s touches again, Dennis leaned backward, Mac’s mouth slightly agape at the sudden interruption. Dennis brushed Mac’s bottom lip with the pad of his thumb, blinking in awe when Mac sucked on his finger without second thought, almost as if he’d been trained to look fucked out and ready for whatever Dennis wanted. Dennis’ stared at Mac with half-lidded eyes, forgetting why he’d worked hard on his stylish clothes and makeup. Dennis had to ask him now or they’d spend the day in bed, and he’d already bought the tickets. Dennis withdrew his finger, leaving his hand tenderly cradling Mac's face, who nestled affectionately against the warmth of Dennis's palm.
Dennis gave his cheek a playful, light slap in that spot, breaking the tension between them.
‘We’re going on a date, dumbass. So, get ready while I finish putting the groceries away. I’ll have to fix this mess,’ Dennis said as he ran a hand through his own hair, now less happy from their heated-up make out session.
They were both quite visibly aroused, but Mac had forgotten about it, his brain latching on that one single word Dennis made the mistake of verbalizing in front of Mac.
‘ We’re going on a date? You and me? Just us?’ Mac’s eyes looked huge, left hand resting on his own stomach protectively.
Dennis pushed him away from the kitchen, pulling him towards their bedroom. Or his bedroom, whatever. ‘We don’t have the time for such nonsense! Go get ready.’
They still had two hours, which Dennis spent rotating Mac in his bedroom while he tried on different outfits. He ended up wearing black slacks with an unbuttoned shirt that used to be white and became pink after one incident, white tank top underneath. He looked ravishing and Dennis would’ve sucked him off had they not needed to get there early to buy whatever gross snacks Mac would make Dennis eat (and enjoy). Dennis couldn’t help but notice Mac’s anxious ticks, shaking his right leg and biting his nails while Dennis drove them to the movie theater. It wasn’t a date. It was just a get together with Mac. Something they’d done a million, if not a billion other weekends together. It undeniably carried a level of intimacy that seemed almost unjustified. But it wasn’t a date. Dennis didn’t do dates. Much less with Mac.
That’s what he kept repeating to himself at every red light.
***
Mac and Dennis were at the movies. Finally, both felt the rush and the electric feeling in the air. But it must’ve been just their strange mood. In fact, they almost held hands and that could’ve been the reason, too. The reason as to why they were both tense but enticed by the idea of going into everything together, for the first time. It’s not like they hadn’t gone to the movies a billion times, but the context was different, more intense. It was a date. An actual date, a place they were supposed to be together as an item of sorts. They stood close to each other at the line while they waited to get the tickets. Their hands were inching closer, specifically Mac’s hand to Dennis’, but. But Dennis wasn’t mad about it. Not fully, no. Mac was warm, and Dennis was not. So, logistically, it made sense to just. Let it happen.
Although he’d told Mac it wasn’t a date, it most definitely was one.
‘So, if this isn’t a date…’ Mac broke the silence. ‘Can we go home right after we finish the movie?’ Mac asked.
Dennis frowned. For one, why was Mac okay with this being called a non-date? He was way too nonchalant for his liking.
‘I thought about taking a walk or something before going to bed, why do you ask? Is there something you forgot to do?’ Dennis inquired, slightly irritated about the possible change of plans.
Not that it was a date. It was, but it wasn’t. Whatever.
It made sense to him.
‘I’m just… tired. Yeah.’ Mac pouted in that way Dennis knew he was hiding something, the wrinkles around his eyes and mouth being more nervous than anything.
‘Come on, tell me. What is it?’
‘Just some Charlie stuff. You won’t get it.’
Dennis felt a sudden urge to scratch Mac. He swallowed it.
‘Tell Charlie that you will get to do “Charlie stuff” another day, then. Today is about us, man. Don’t you get it?’ Dennis bumped his shoulder against Mac’s.
Mac smiled so hard that it almost felt like he was glowing with happiness.
‘Okay, Den. Whatever you say.’
‘Damn right whatever I say.’ Dennis smirked.
***
The movie theater was eerily quiet, but it was comforting. The room was black and blue, the stairs’ lights were on. Mac had felt Dennis’ warmth for the first time in so long that it had taken away his breath. For a second, at least, it had felt like that. In the dark, everything got more real for him. It didn’t help that Mac was being compliant with Dennis. And it wasn’t as if he was doing it on purpose, it was that his mind was both there and with Charlie. But he had texted his friend about what Dennis had told him and left it as is; the Charlie stuff would be done another day.
Maybe. Maybe he’d used Charlie as an excuse, yeah. Because it didn’t matter what issues Charlie was having with his cats or rats, it was rather that Mac didn’t feel prepared for their non-date date. It had been the first time that Dennis’ own actions carried a restless feeling to them which Mac wasn’t used to. A Dennis that was tense, uptight and nervous would be because of Mac, Dee or Charlie doing something irritating. But this Dennis? This one was tense for some other reasons Mac didn’t know for sure. Because, for Mac, the nervousness he was showing through the small tics, such as moving his leg nonstop or nibbling his lower lip, those were a reaction to Dennis and the uncertainty of their relationship. Twenty minutes had passed of the film and Dennis’ warmth had slowly gotten cold. Mac tried to reach out for the popcorn, but his hand stayed still in the air for a few seconds.
Would he be able to break the tension? Or had he been too soft, too tender for his liking?
Mac swallowed a hard lump, his throat moving up and down. Dennis switched positions from having his legs crossed to spreading them, knees bumping into Mac’s own spread legs. The touch had felt like a fire lit in the midst of a cold night. Mac’s heartbeats could’ve been heard on the other side of the room, speeding up the longer Dennis didn’t move away. Mac had decided, then, to finally do it. Just do the thing he’d been thinking about. Why not? What’s the worst that could happen? Dennis yelling at him for being a nuisance? He’d been used to that anyway. But the moment Mac had let his hand fall on top of Dennis’ own hand, Dennis put his head on Mac’s shoulder.
So.
Mac’s shoulders rose slightly at the sudden weight on them. He relaxed after a minute of Dennis not moving. Not breathing. They were both quite strained. As if their younger selves hadn’t cuddled in movie theaters so many times it would be impossible to count them. But this was different. They weren’t so close anymore, no, not like in their twenties. However, their closeness as of late had been more mature and, in many ways, closer than when they were younger.
Mac’s stomach tightened; happy, giddy. Dennis was resting his head on him, almost cuddling, Mac’s own hand still warming up Dennis’ cold fingers.
***
They ended up walking near a pier, not the usual spot they’d choose to walk by, but for some reason Dennis’ quiet and stillness was seeking after a body-of-water place to just. Stare at them while they drank some beer, not talking much after the film. They had only commented how cringe it had been and that they could most definitely write a better movie. Then, they remembered they already did that. Afterwards, Dennis had offered to drive them there and just get some beers so they could walk and unwind from the day. Mac had told him it was a great idea, that he would love to do that, and what he left unsaid was that he feared walks, that they always ended up with long talks about serious topics and he was bad with that, a never-ending line of fucked up comments and thoughts shared that Dennis would end up hating him for. But tonight, something about the stillness felt different, calmer, like they didn’t need to fill the gaps with forced conversation. Maybe it was the beer, or maybe it was the way Dennis kept looking out at the water, like it had all the answers neither of them could voice. The air between them felt heavy, filled with unsaid words and unspoken feelings, both waiting for the other to finally speak first.
Or something like that.
Dennis, on the other hand, seemed lost in thought. Not sure why, but Mac had held his hand, crossing the line once again. This wasn’t under the darkness, no, this had been a touch under the dark night, instead. The sky being the only eyewitness to their softness. None of the chaotic and vibrating energy oozing off their friends and the bar. Just them. Two individuals walking with their hands tied to each other with a gentle breeze surrounding them.
‘Why me?’ Dennis had asked out of nowhere.
And the question lingered in the air between them.
‘Why… you?’ Mac repeated, mirroring Dennis, sipping his beer. ‘Well. It depends. Why not you? It’s always been you, Den. I don’t know. Since we were teenagers.’
Dennis swallowed hard, letting air leave his lungs. He looked up, only staring at the stars, one hand holding his beer, the other holding everything that made Mac, well, Mac McDonald.
‘Is that it, then? You claimed me when we were teenagers and… until now you have liked me? What if it had been Charlie or another guy? I just. Want to know, why me?’ Dennis smiled, empty.
Mac squeezed Dennis’ hand, halting their walk. Dennis didn’t break their hand holding. Mac forced him to stare at his eyes instead of the vastness of the skyline.
‘It couldn’t have been them because they’re not you. It’s that simple, dude. I just fell for who you are. Nothing else could explain what I’ve felt for you since I was just a dumb kid.’ Mac smiled, sadly.
Dennis’ gaze fell, looking at his sneakers, not able to hold onto Mac’s eyes for long. He finished the beer he’d been drinking and got close to Mac, their noses almost touching. He licked his lips, slowly, tantalizing, always the seductive temptress. Mac’s pulse quickened. Dennis leaned forward and finally, finally kissed him. Under the stars. Just like how Mac had dreamt for years.
The kiss was slow, tender, so soft it had been a surprising realization for Mac since all their kisses were usually bruising and bloody. But this one had been everything they were not. Easy . That was the word for it.
***
One date became a bunch of other dates. Week after week, Mac and Dennis spent more time together than they did years ago. And it was mostly nice. It had been nostalgic, like an updated version of themselves getting to know certain parts they’d hidden from each other. And, one night, they went to a restaurant. It wasn’t the same old routine they did once a month, but rather something new, for whatever reason Mac didn’t understand but was excited about anyway. Dennis didn’t plan most of their dates, but the ones he did plan for, Mac enjoyed them the most. However, Dennis was in a strange… mood. So to speak. It was bumming Mac out. The restaurant was full of people, plates, smells. Just the nicest food paired with his favorite person in the world. And yet. Something was off. It was hidden within Dennis’ strained shoulders and cold voice. The rehearsed smile. It was stressing Mac. Mac was the type of person to care for others way too much. It was his main sin, beside his sexuality and anger issues. But what bothered him the most wasn’t Dennis’ bad mood, but rather how he was hiding it from him, and not opening up.
He knew. He obviously knew how much Dennis hated to be open about his feelings, unlike Mac who was always ready to spew out how much things meant to him, both negative and positive thoughts. But the tender relationship they’d been building up to was so sacred to Mac that he wasn’t ready to break it with a fight. No, they wouldn’t fight. Their nondate date would go well. The restaurant was nice and new, so he would just ignore Dennis’ strangeness. Until it was unavoidable, at least. And that had come sooner than Mac had thought. In one sentence where Dennis had complained about the restaurant’s manners, then the manager and how much of an asshole he was, after Dennis just couldn’t stand the server either. Everything irritated him. Mac bothered him, too. Because of course he was being too quiet and innocent-looking for Dennis’ liking. Mac had bitten his tongue.
‘Anyway, have our monthly… dates always felt so romantic to you? I’m sure we weren’t so couple-y all the time,’ Dennis said, raising his eyebrows.
That made Mac shudder in annoyance.
‘So what if they’re romantic?’ Mac answered back. ‘I thought… I was sure we were trying to be something more than friends. This is it.’
I am not a burden. I am not a burden. I am not.
There was a long silence between his comment and Dennis’ furrowed forehead. He, then, laughed it off. They ate their food in an uncomfortable ambience until they went home.
***
Mac knocked on Dennis’ door. He heard a grunt on the other side, which meant more than silence. They had gone to their respective rooms and not spoken to each other, but Mac wasn’t accustomed to that angry energy between them anymore and wished to end their fight after the restaurant date. If that had been a fight, like the ones they were used to, they would’ve ended up with scratches and sad grimaces. Dennis left the door open, seeing as Mac had been able to enter, quietly. Being quiet wasn’t his forte, but those past months taught Mac that getting older meant changing yourself in certain ways and, for him, it had been a retrospective and quiet inner world instead of the loud, buzzing and angry one he was so accustomed to. Dennis was laying on his bed, scrolling on his phone. Mac asked ‘hey, Den? Can I…’ and Dennis just grunted back. Mac swallowed hard, the sound echoing back to him in the room. He couldn’t always ask for permission. Every desire of his had to be accepted or reviewed by Dennis and, in the end, it was making them both miserable. Therefore, Mac nodded to himself, deciding against his submissive nature and just.
Just laid on the bed, hugging Dennis from behind. He wrapped his bigger arms around Dennis’ waist.
‘I just. Can’t sleep without you.’ Mac whispered, hiding his nose in the crook of Dennis’ neck. It rose a sea of goosebumps on Dennis’ soft skin.
Dennis turned around, suddenly. He grabbed Mac’s face and kissed him everywhere. Once they touched lips, they became one single body with the same brain and heartbeats. The kissing was so tender, but Mac couldn’t wait, wouldn’t do it anymore, repressing his needs. So, he slipped his tongue inside Dennis’ mouth and licked, licked until nothing tasted the same. It was those instances where their past didn’t matter, it also wasn’t important how long it had taken them to finally be together, even if it was casual, whatever that meant. Mac kissed and Dennis bit back, Mac gasped, and Dennis moaned at the sound, roaming hands everywhere. Mac pinned Dennis’ hands, dry humping each other. The other sound that could be heard was Dennis’ low begs ‘please, please, please’ like a chant, for what, Mac knew without having to analyze his words more than two seconds at a time. Once he uttered the words ‘good girl’ to Dennis while they kept rubbing against each other, Dennis had already cummed, and seeing that single sight had made Mac cum even harder. They fell asleep like that, all dirty and happy, this time not needing to discuss things further.
Just two heartbeats in a single bed.
***
Walking through the supermarket aisle, Dennis was searching for Mac, who had wandered off somewhere. They’d gone to buy some food for their movie marathon. And being super honest, Dennis wasn’t hungry. He was rather ignorant about his own needs, most of the time, having to be told to eat or sleep by Dee or Mac if he looked too gaunt. That afternoon they had closed the bar and didn’t know what else to do, so Mac had asked him to watch some new movies he’d found they never returned to the store they’d rented it from. They probably had already watched them all years ago and just didn’t remember them. But it wasn’t a bad idea, so Dennis wasn’t against it, for once. He was quite excited to go watch them and nod off on top of Mac’s shoulder. Had Mac not asked him to go to the supermarket, Dennis would’ve skipped dinner. But he didn’t mind… Mac being overprotective and wanting him to be fed. It felt nice, sometimes. Other times, it felt like a knife against his throat, as if Mac knew too much about him and it was suffocating.
It depended a lot on the day that it happened.
Dennis walked by some aisles until he saw Mac’s broad shoulders, standing beside some snacks. He had a cart full of them, which made Dennis chuckle. But he stopped laughing when he realized it was all of his favorite snacks, instead of Mac’s. There was also some beer that Dennis had picked before.
‘Hey, dude, look. I found those weird sugar free cookies you like. But I added some of my favorites, if that’s okay. I wanted to make some popcorn, too. Since it’s movie night.’ Mac smiled like a puppy, all big eyes and teeth.
Dennis’ stomach tightened at the sight.
‘I love you.’ Dennis said, voice trembling.
Dennis would’ve barfed if it was said to another person. He only ever said those words when he needed something from someone. But this time around it had been so genuine and honest that it didn’t only shock a gaped mouth Mac, who was used to saying ‘I love you’ as if it was breathing, but it also surprised Dennis. He hadn’t meant to say that. He meant to say ‘thank you for caring. Thank you for not giving up on me’. But it translated to those stupid, emotional and unnecessary words.
Which made Mac so, so stupidly happy. In a way, it had made Dennis relieved, having said it to him after a long time of repressing them.
‘I love you more, babe. Come on, we have more stuff to buy, hm?’ Mac sighed, smiling.
Dennis smiled back. ‘We need some toilet paper, too.’
But just when he was about to leave again to search for it, he felt Mac’s arms hugging him from behind, squeezing hard. He turned Dennis around, giving him a quick peck. It made Dennis’ cheeks redden.
Maybe it wasn’t that bad, saying those words, sometimes.
***
It was a Friday night, and everyone had already left when Mac had noticed Dennis went somewhere else. His car was still parked at the same place, so he must’ve been somewhere nearby. Mac turned off the lights, telling Charlie he’d help him with the cat stuff tomorrow morning, which made Charlie smile before he was gone through the door. Mac checked the usual spots, those being the office or the back alleyway, and Dennis wasn’t sitting anywhere close, however, he did notice that the pack of cigarettes hidden in the office were taken. Mac walked towards the roof of the building, knowing fully well that whenever Dennis needed to think and be alone, he just sat there on his own. Once he was up there, Dennis turned around, cigarette dangling on his lips.
‘How did you know I was here?’ Dennis asked, inhaling another bit of the cigarette smoke.
Mac rolled his eyes, fondly.
‘It’s not like you would’ve left without me. And besides, you always come here when you are too quiet during work. I assumed you might’ve been in the alleyway but here you are.’ Mac chuckled.
Dennis took another hit, offering a cigarette to Mac, who accepted it even though they didn’t smoke as much as they did in their youth.
‘Here I am,’ Dennis said with a forced smile.
Mac knew something was off. He approached the other man, sitting close to him. Mac would tend to run hot, and Dennis was shivering, so he took Dennis’ hand in between his and warmed him up as much as he could. Dennis didn’t seem to mind the physical touch, for once wanting it without saying anything.
‘Do you ever… do you think about our lives? How we ended up here instead of somewhere else we might’ve dreamt of when we were young?’ Dennis questioned with a raise of his eyebrows.
Mac took a slow drag of his cigarette, blowing the smoke into the night air as he stared out into the darkness, letting Dennis' question hang between them for a moment. He could feel the weight behind Dennis’ words, and even though it wasn’t often Dennis opened up like this, Mac knew that when he did, it mattered. It wasn’t just small talk.
‘Yeah, sometimes,’ Mac finally said, his voice quiet but steady. ‘I used to think about it a lot more, y'know? Like what if we’d done something different? But then again… I don’t know. This is where we are.’ He glanced at Dennis, who was still looking up at the stars, his face expressionless.
Dennis didn’t say anything for a while. He took another drag of his cigarette, the glow from the tip briefly illuminating his face.
‘I always thought I’d end up somewhere better,’ Dennis muttered, finally breaking the silence. His voice was quieter now, almost as if he were speaking to himself. ‘You know? Somewhere bigger. Not stuck with the gang until my late forties.’
Mac nodded, though he wasn’t sure what to say. Dennis had always carried this sense of wanting more, needing more. It was part of what drew Mac to him in the first place, that undeniable energy, that constant drive to be someone greater than just Dennis Reynolds. But now, sitting here with him, it felt like all that drive had crumbled into an emptiness that Dennis didn’t know how to handle.
‘We’re still here, though,’ Mac said, reaching out to stub his cigarette against the rooftop. ‘And maybe it’s not what we thought it’d be, but… I don’t regret it. Not if it means I’m here with you.’
Dennis glanced at him for the first time since the conversation started, and for a second, Mac thought he was going to shut him down with some biting comment. But instead, Dennis sighed and pressed the cigarette into the ground next to Mac’s, snuffing it out before leaning back on his elbows, his face tilted back to the sky.
They lay like that for what felt like hours, watching the stars above them. The air between them was heavy, but somehow comfortable. Mac didn’t need to fill the silence. He was content just being there with Dennis.
After what seemed like forever, Dennis shifted, his voice barely more than a whisper. ‘Can you promise me something?’
Mac turned his head slightly, looking at Dennis. His face was still pointed toward the stars, but his eyes had a distant look, like he was afraid of the answer.
‘Sure, Den,’ Mac said, his voice soft and eager. ‘Anything.’
Dennis hesitated, his lips tightening as though he was afraid of Mac’s response. But eventually, he breathed out the words. ‘Please don’t give up on me.’
Mac felt his heart twist in his chest. He wasn’t used to hearing Dennis sound so vulnerable, so raw. For a second, he didn’t know what to say, his mind scrambling for something that could match the weight of what Dennis had just asked him. But when he looked at Dennis again, he saw something he hadn’t noticed before, a glimmer of unshed tears in his eyes, and the way his face tensed, like he was trying to hold everything together.
Mac swallowed hard, reaching for Dennis’ hand again, feeling how cold it was compared to his own. He squeezed it gently, grounding himself before speaking.
‘As long as you don’t give up on me either.’
Dennis laughed softly, though it sounded more like a sharp exhale. He sniffed hard, turning just enough to bump his shoulder against Mac’s. Mac smiled, his heart still racing from the honesty of the moment, so close to the intensity of their bond when they met each other decades ago. He could feel Dennis shifting beside him, leaning into Mac's side until his head rested against Mac's chest.
Mac closed his eyes, enjoying the warmth like a reassurance that everything would be okay, that despite all the things Dennis thought he’d missed out on, he was still here, with Mac, with the gang.
Dennis listened to the steady rhythm of Mac’s heart, not saying anything, just breathing. Mac stayed silent, letting the moment stretch, his fingers absently running up and down Dennis’ back in slow, soothing motions.
For once, everything felt right. In the silence, in the stillness, they weren’t the Dennis and Mac that always fought for something more, always scrambling for validation or approval. They were just... there, together, and that felt like enough.