Chapter Text
A buzzing sound. Mac squeezed his eyes shut. Another buzzing sound. Mac groaned. The blinds protected him from the brightness while the alarm would not quiet down. He rolled on his back, palming around the bedside table to feel his phone until he shut it off, ignoring the several text messages that Charlie had sent him and the stupid brightness of his phone screen. He'd probably answer them after he showered. He didn’t want to get out of bed, but he had to pee really badly. Mac sighed. It was almost noon and, thankfully, a Saturday so he had nothing to do. Well, besides listening to sad music while he went to the gym and pretended to not miss Dennis. Or picture his face on the punching bag until he felt bad and had to move on to another exercise.
He was pathetic.
Mac put his clothes on the dirty laundry basket, walked to the bathroom, way too aware of the silence surrounding him. He took the longest shower, put on a pair of washed-up, loose jeans and his blue sweatshirt. He gazed at the mirror with downcast eyes and hunched shoulders. His eyes were swollen and red. There was just no other way of saying it, but anyone could tell he’d been crying. Mac turned his head to the right, brushing his neck, chest and throat with his fingers. Bite marks and dark bruises painted across his skin. He felt goosebumps from last night, shaking his head and avoiding the man that stared back at him. He prepared a quick breakfast and, while he ate the eggs and toast, he remembered Charlie’s messages. He scrolled and realized it wasn’t a private message but rather from the group chat. It was a row of emojis telling them that Frank wanted to meet today for a quick reunion about some idea he had.
Mac scrunched up his nose in confusion.
Did that mean…
Fuck.
He’d have to see Dennis so fucking soon.
Well, he’d have to, right? They lived together. At some point… probably that same night Dennis would come back home.
Unless Mac asked Hugh to stay at his place again, but… no. He wanted to talk about what they did. Dennis wouldn’t just as he didn’t like when Mac reminded him about Johnny .
A throbbing pain hit him on the back of his head. He’d take an ibuprofen and go to the bar, even if it took him longer with the bus.
He took another bite out of his plate with a deep frown.
***
Mac played with a thread on the hem of his sweatshirt with pursed lips. Charlie had been sitting on the bar, chatting with the twins before Mac had arrived, sweating and cursing under his breath from sprinting there. First thing he noticed was Dennis intently watching him just to avert his eyes when Mac stared back. But once Mac didn’t engage with him and focused on what Charlie’s day was while asking Dee to give him a beer (which Mac ended up getting for himself), Dennis was back to analyzing Mac’s movements and facial expressions, staring in deep thought. Mac wasn’t necessarily angry. No, in fact, he anticipated Dennis pretending that nothing had happened between them. It would’ve been unfair to act as if Dennis owned him something. Of course he didn’t. That had never been Mac’s goal anyway.
Did it still hurt like a bitch? Yeah. Yeah, it did.
His chest felt hollow. And every attempt of a smile meant for Charlie lacked the warmth and mischievousness hiding beneath his aging lines. But Mac was, above all, tired. He was exhausted from everything, including his own feelings. If Dennis would bury their shared night under the rug, then so would Mac. He’d even gone through Dennis’ makeup bag to hide the hickeys and marks on his neck. Same neck Dennis inspected whenever Mac sipped his drink, Adam’s apple shifting with each gulp. He’d been careful to not use too much product since his skin was slightly tanner than Dennis’. Last time he wore makeup, which happened occasionally (since Dennis liked to “doll” him up when he was in a good mood and they were both drunk enough to not feel way too old), Dennis had put on foundation for him before helping with the earring months ago.
Months passed so quickly nowadays.
‘So… where the hell’s Frank?’ Dee cocked her hip on the bar, leaning on it. She was wearing a gray t-shirt under a red checkered shirt with some light jeans and winter boots.
Dennis huffed, crossing his arms. In a similar way to Dee, he was wearing a button-up blue checkered shirt loosely tucked in some dark pants.
‘If he doesn’t come in five minutes I’m leaving,’ Dennis rolled his eyes.
‘Yeah,’ Charlie replied. ‘I’m not sure what he's up-to, ever since he found out about the secret room back at ours… He’s been keeping shit from me, and I don’t really like it,’ Charlie said with a frown.
Mac absentmindedly toyed with the beer label.
‘Oh yeah, what happened to that?’ Dee asked.
Charlie sighed, rolling up the sleeves of his green overshirt.
‘Well, not really because, you know. It just felt weird to change the dynamic… just too weird. Like, you know, some stuff just- should just stay the same. Exactly the same, right?’ Charlie pleaded with urging eyes, looking at Dee only.
Dee coughed, adjusting on the barstool. ‘Yeah, I mean. I don’t… I’m not opposed.’
Charlie tilted his head to the side and Mac thought he looked just like Poppins for a second. Endearing and a bit tired.
‘What do you mean…’ Charlie said.
Dee cleared her throat. Dennis squeezed his fists over the bar, tensed shoulders.
‘Just like. I mean, I don’t, uh,’ Dee mumbled over her words, not used to anyone asking for her opinion without insulting her or interrupting what she was about to explain. ‘Listen, I’m just saying. I think change is good sometimes. Especially with you and Frank, that room would have benefited you, to be honest. But I get it!’ Dee stopped Charlie from replying. ‘Change can be scary or too much, so. Yeah…’ Dee lamely finished.
Dennis swallowed hard.
‘No, yeah, that makes sense. Frank told me to leave it for us, but I guess. I don’t know. I felt weird about it, like, what if he found a new Charlie that was smarter and made better eggs than me or whatever,’ Charlie scratched his thighs with the end of his fingers.
Mac squeezed Charlie’s wrist and instead of pushing him away, Charlie allowed himself to bask in the comforting touch of his best friend. The reassuring grip and Charlie’s reaction made Mac’s eyes widen in surprise. He pulled his hand away to not be too overbearing.
‘That wouldn’t happen Charlie, are you kidding? That old fart loves you, for whatever reason,’ Dee replied with a smile.
Charlie mirrored her expression.
‘True, I mean, I’m like the best thing around anyway,’ Charlie continued.
‘I’m still not sure why you love Frank but, hey buddy, we all care for you. And I hate, uh. Changes too, for what it’s worth,’ Dennis tapped two fingers on Charlie’s hand.
Mac ripped the label of his beer apart, pursing his lips.
‘What? Something to say, Mac?’ Dennis said with a measured tone of voice.
Mac looked up, staring back at Dennis for the first time since they fell asleep in each other’s arms.
‘Not really’ Mac replied with fake composure, hiding his trembling hands under his thighs so Dennis wouldn’t catch him as weak as he felt.
Dennis clenched his jaw. He seemed about to add something else, but Frank chose that moment to enter the bar. He was wearing a green golf shirt with dark pants and shoes.
‘Eeeyo, bitches! I’m here, don’t you worry. Here’s the thing,’ Frank pushed Mac to the side so he could sit beside Charlie. Mac didn’t budge so Frank ended up standing, the gang’s eyes expectant on him.
‘I know business is booming right now, but I wanted to tell you about this great idea I had. So, I met the love of my life, Hellen here. She’s a great broad with even bigger tits and a big mansion and everything. I wanted to have a private date at the bar, you know to commemorate our love and all that stuff,’ Frank breathed in. ‘But we’d have to close down because I don’t want any of those weird, fa- ‘Mac frowned before Frank could say the homophobic slur. ‘Ah, those dainty hipsters around us. Just for a night!’ Frank finished.
Charlie was the first to bite.
‘Sorry Frank but, who is Hellen again? When did you even meet her? You spend hours at home eating cheeseburgers and watching the tv with me,’ Charlie asked with a frown.
Frank pouted before answering.
‘Not true at all I do plenty of things! She’s the love of my life,’ he said.
Dee laughed.
‘Yeah okay, uh. The love of your life who you are going to steal from, correct?’
Frank rolled his eyes.
‘Ugh Deandra, you just never learn anything from your father. It’s not stealing if it’s for love, it’s called sharing,’ Frank explained.
Dennis took a sip of his beer.
‘Hey Frank, we are not doing any of that. Go take your girlfriend somewhere else if you want privacy,’ Dennis ordered.
‘No! No! She wants to see the bar,’ Frank yelled with clenched fists.
‘Then go fucking- God, just show it to her when we’re closed, who gives a shit? Jesus Christ. I’m just too old for this,’ Dennis sighed.
Dee hummed in agreement.
‘You should honestly go live in a retirement home at this point Frank,’ Dee cackled.
‘Oh, shut up you bird, who would pay for your rent then? Huh? Whatever. You are all just toxic people,’ Frank furrowed his eyebrows. ‘You can’t even give me one night!’
Dee flinched at the reminder of Frank being her landlord, Dennis biting his tongue so he wouldn’t lash out at him for also having Dennis under Frank’s family phone plan. The twins shared a look of irritation while Charlie wouldn’t stop arguing about how weird this Hellen lady was.
Mac raised his hand, warm brown eyes widening almost like he was about to spill his thoughts out but tried not to. Dennis rolled his eyes.
‘Yes, Mac? You don’t have to fucking- whatever. What, go on,’ Dennis said, not really mad at Mac but rather at himself.
‘What if we do something like a date night? People have 15 minutes to meet someone at the table, then they must rotate partners and at the end of the night they choose one person to buy them a drink and keep the date going,’ Mac said. ‘Maybe we can give you and Hailey the best table or something like that. I feel like Dee, and I could do the promo online since we’re the best at the whole internet stuff,’ Mac offered, glancing at Dee.
Dee crossed her arms.
‘Why are you being nice to me?’ She questioned.
Mac pulled a disgusted face.
‘I’m not, just being realistic. You think Charlie who still thinks phones control ghouls or Dennis who gets angry and starts breaking his phone would do a better job?’ Mac raised his eyebrows.
Dennis’ nostrils flared, straining the vein on his forehead.
‘What the hell are you talking about? I’m amazing with technology, I’ll have you know. In fact-’ Dennis said, half-way pulling out his phone from his pocket.
‘No, we know you are, Johnny boy,’ Charlie snickered while looking at Dee, who seemed to be in on the joke too. Mac didn’t flinch.
Dennis’ mouth started to quiver. He raised a finger in Charlie’s direction.
‘This is just outrageous! Who told you that? Was it Mac? Or Dee, did you tell Charlie? No, you know what, I don’t give a shit. I’m great with phones and Instagram shares and every single dating app ever, okay?’
‘You mean instastories,’ Mac answered back.
Dennis growled.
‘Yes Mac, yes! It’s the same fucking thing!’
‘Okay, whatever. I don’t want to do it with Dee, but she’s the only one that isn’t a grandpa about it,’ Mac stared at his hands resting on the bar table. His demeanor seemed less tired, but something was definitely off about him.
Dennis opened his mouth, but Dee spoke first.
‘Dennis, why is Mac being nice to me? What did you do?’ Dee teasingly asked. ‘Did you break him or something? He’s usually all “ew women ew pussy ew Dee’s gross and awful and the worst” and now he’s all quiet and shit,’ Dee took a sip of her own beer.
Mac huffed, hands on his hips.
‘What? I don’t do that, you are stupid, ugly donkey-faced bird. You’re more sexist than I am! In fact I’m pretty sure you’re-’.
‘Enough!’ Frank interrupted. ‘I don’t give two rats about this and that, I just want a table for my dear Hailey! If this stupid date night thing works to get us money for the bar and my date then I’m good with it,’ Frank said.
‘You mean Hellen?’ Charlie asked, calmer than the rest, both in disposition and tone of voice.
‘What?’ Frank shook his head, frowning.
‘Your lady’s name?’
Frank huffed.
‘Yes, yes, my Hellen! My dear Hellen, now start decorating and doing some internet promotion before I change my mind,’ he concluded.
Dennis glanced at Mac who was lost in thought. Once again, he so wished to be under Mac’s skin like he used to. He seemed to be miles away from the gang, from Paddy’s, from Dennis. And just a few hours ago he’d been moaning Dennis’ name, feeling the weight of his body on top of him, warm and full of lightness that Dennis couldn’t reciprocate back. He had to do something about it.
***
It was Thursday night. Dennis had spent the morning putting up some decorations at the bar with Charlie, most of it pink and red so it would give them a romantic ambiance. Mac also put up some gay flags around so people wouldn’t feel left out. Charlie hated it and would’ve rather done something more creative like hang up his drawings, but Dennis told him they were too unique for the simplicity of Date Night at Paddy’s . Dee and Mac only shared a few Instagram posts and a Facebook one to let people know they were doing a themed night where people could bring one person with them, too. And it appeared to work with their new crowd of loser hipsters and some older people who must’ve seen the flyers Dee put up around the block. Mac forced himself to be as normal with Dennis as possible, their interactions friendly and lacking any sort of tension or aggression.
It was weird. Dennis didn’t lash out at Mac while Mac spent some nights crying in silence, praying on the corner of his bed before falling asleep. He’d texted Hugh asking to reschedule another dinner to thank him for the help, but Hugh told him he should fix whatever was going on at home, but that he didn’t mind hanging out. “Maybe you could bring your boyfriend too? If you’ve talked it out” he said. Mac stared at the text for a few minutes before he teared up again. They were both miserable, never once mentioning that night. It had been over a week now. He’d never felt this amount of heartbreak and, to be quite honest, he wasn’t a big crier. He pouted, whined, grumbled. Took the anger out at the gym. Took the sadness out at The Rainbow. But this? Crying, forcing smiles, feeling empty around the gang and wanting to stab his heart every time it skipped a bit when Dennis smiled? It had to be the loneliest he’s felt in years. Even when Dennis left him- them. Left the gang, Paddy’s, what they built together. He had Charlie to bother and Dee to call when he was so desperate to hear Dennis’ twin speak, sound, and mirror him through the smallest actions and facial expressions.
He pulled through and stopped isolating himself after a month passed and Dennis didn’t come back. But, this time, he’d spent every day with a feeling of restlessness that would not cease its beating against his chest. He didn’t care for the men texting him to go on dates and didn't want to anyway. Instead, Mac had prepared hearty breakfasts for a much more withdrawn Dennis and for himself. They shared a few words here and there, although it had been mostly Dennis asking Mac how he felt, what he’d done at the gym, if he’d like to go do some grocery shopping together. All his words carried such emotional heaviness that it astounded Mac how stubborn Dennis could be. They both felt the change and it didn’t matter that Mac wished to talk about it because he knew nothing would become of it.
What terrified him the most was to lose Dennis again. So, if it had to be this tension-filled air, like two spooked animals walking around their apartment, then so be it. They didn’t mention or fight about Mac wanting to move out of the flat. He’d looked up the rent prices of small apartments with only one room. And it had been quite discouraging. But what else was there for Mac? If he didn’t live with Dennis, he would pretty much have to share a carton box with Poppins. Although if he found a second job… he might be able to afford the cheapest flat, but it was in a rough neighborhood, taking forty minutes on the bus to get to Paddy’s. He didn’t want to live without Dennis again. It had been awful, and he spent way too many hours at the gym, then drinking himself until he fell asleep. He almost adopted a stray cat, which he kind of wished he did, instead of almost dying of alcohol poisoning and being so overbearing Charlie started to hate him, just like everyone else in his life.
Mac just wanted Dennis and he’d never been able to pray that love away.
***
Hours passed and a lot of people turned up to the bar for the date night. Cricket, Waitress and Artemis were also there, but seemed to weirdly blend in with the crowd. Mac had been quite bored, playing a card game with Charlie while Dee and Dennis worked their shift. Charlie had to mop the floor twice since some people had spilled a few drinks with how packed it waws, and beside trying to get on two awkward dates of ten minutes each with the waitress, he seemed to be in a good mood. Which Mac didn’t buy but he didn’t like to pressure Charlie into talking anymore. Mac simply told Charlie that if he was feeling off, he could talk to him. Charlie just nodded and kept drinking his beer.
Dennis looked dashing. Mac was so pissed that he couldn’t take his eyes away from Dennis for more than a few seconds. And it wasn’t like he tried to change his style or put on makeup, not more than the basic stuff he wore. In fact, Dennis had just left his hair grow a little bit, letting those curls free, and he was wearing a white shirt with a red flannel on top of it, some dark jeans and his running shoes. But his gaze seemed softer that day and his smile far too charming for Mac’s own good. He wanted to kiss Dennis right there in front of everyone, like in the movies Charlie and Mac pretended to not enjoy because they were for women or whatever. But they were over the whole gender thing anyway, so. Point is that if Mac did something well was to hope in spite of never getting what he wanted.
The night was going well, even though he did find it weird that Dee stopped bartending to sit with the waitress and talk to her for the same amount of time the other dates lasted. Waitress kept rolling her eyes and trying to push Dee away, but she also kept a lingering hand on Dee’s forearm, which made Mac raise his eyebrows. It wasn’t his business anyway, but he hoped Dee and Waitress wouldn’t be, like, a thing. Or at least if they were that it wouldn’t make Charlie sad. He shivered at the idea of Dee’s pathetic coming out moment and just laughed to himself. Charlie asked him what was so funny before he decided to go bother Frank and Hellen, who were being very inappropriate for their age. Mac walked near the door and went back to doing his job, despite what everyone always told him. Who would check for dangers if not him? It was nearing 19h O’clock and he had to tell three minors to turn around and go home, just when a handsome man entered the bar. Mac stopped in his tracks just to look away quickly, in an attempt to be smooth and not come off as creepy.
The customer sat at the bar and ordered a sweet cocktail, the sort of drinks Dennis always criticized for having too much sugar and calories, but he still made them to appease Mac’s sweet tooth. Mac smiled, kind of glad he wasn’t the only one that enjoyed them. The man was a bit shorter than Mac, definitely had dark blonde hair, looked strong and lean. In fact, he reminded Mac of Ryan Gosling, just with green eyes and a smaller build in terms of height. Mac hadn’t been in the best spirits as of late, but he could appreciate a gorgeous guy. As the drink was set before the customer, Mac leaned against the wall right beside the entrance door. He didn’t mean to, but the stranger’s eyes met him with a newfound interest. The customer’s gleaming gaze with mischievous energy charmed Mac. Dennis kept talking to other clients, but he could see Mac’s attention had been taken away from his workstation. He prepared another set of shots, keeping an eye on Mac. Despite what Dennis imagined, the stranger made the first step, approaching Mac. He casually leaned forward, talking as close to Mac’s ear as possible. Dennis gripped a glass between his hands with more force than needed.
The stranger spoke with a deep voice.
‘You know, I've been to a lot of bars, but this one just became my favorite,’ he remarked, a subtle smirk playing on his lips.
Mac, caught off guard by the compliment, chuckled nervously. ‘That’s like, the first time anyone’s said that to me. What makes it your favorite, though?’ Mac tilted his head with crossed arms.
Mac had worn a gray and dark red baseball tee with his dark, loose pants and boots. He’d also put on a checkered overshirt he’d never worn but it had been cold enough to.
The stranger's gaze lingered on Mac's eyes a moment too long before he replied, ‘I'd say it's the company. And the security, of course,’ he emphasized his flirtatious tone with a playful wink. He reached to squeeze Mac’s arm. ‘I mean, wow. You train a lot?’
Mac’s tentative smile widened. ‘You can tell? Yeah! I try, I mean. I’m a bit old now, but yeah I still go regularly,’ he tensed his bicep so the other man could feel all his work. ‘I’m actually doing less because I’ve gotten a bit injured this year,’ he sheepishly added.
‘You’re one of the fittest dudes in the bar of course I’d notice. Shame you’re not playing along with the date night thing you guys have going on,’ the customer said, letting go of Mac’s arm, but still leaning closer to him. ‘What’s your name, sweetheart?’
Dennis, who had been meticulously polishing glasses, felt a pang of irritation. He shot a glance in their direction, his jaw clenched in a forced nonchalance. Mac was used to the way guys flirted in a far more direct way, but he couldn't deny the nerves bubbling up his stomach at hearing that pet name coming out of another man’s mouth and not Dennis’. He glanced at said man before responding. ‘Oh, you- yeah, uh. My name’s Mac, and yours?’
‘I’m Tyler, pleasure to meet you, Mac. Will your boss here get angry if you take a break to sit and chat with me? Won’t take long I hope,’ Tyler pointed at Dennis.
As the banter continued, Dennis found himself caught between the need to maintain an air of indifference and the growing realization that Mac was slipping away from his control. He poured a drink with practiced precision, the rhythmic clinking of glasses echoing an empty reflection of the dissonance in his mind.
Tyler, undeterred, leaned in a little closer to Mac. ‘You must get a lot of attention in a place like this. But there's something about you that stands out. Might be those cute eyes of yours,’ he said.
The warmth of someone’s attention on him bloomed in Mac's cheeks, a rare vulnerability surfacing. Dennis, however, hadn’t been able to hear a single word from that basic dude but seeing Mac’s reaction had ticked him off for some reason. Probably because Mac could do much better. He glanced away, feigning disinterest but the tightening of his jaw would’ve betrayed him had Mac been watching him. Which he wasn’t.
The bar was brimming with a strange, unfamiliar energy that left both Mac and Dennis on the precipice of what one could say was uncharted territory for them. Dennis had always been the main star, getting people’s phone numbers, but mainly people asking for his. Mac got asked out on some occasions, but he preferred to go on dates with men he met online and not actual clients. Dennis hadn’t gone on a date in months, spending most of his time with the gang or on his own rather than going out. And, in a way, Mac had too.
Dennis took a large breath. In and out. He let go of the tension of his body. He was in control. Everything was fine. He stared at two women that were waiting to order. He made their daiquiris, muscle memory at that point, then gave it to them with a smooth smile. One of them, the tall one with red hair and dark eyes. He widened his smile, proud to notice she was a real redhead. Unlike that one chick from Ireland… whatever. He put on his charm, subconsciously. Dennis kept throwing jokes around that included both women, not wanting to exclude the blonde one with green eyes. Same green as that stupid guy Mac was flirting with. I mean, sure, green was a pretty color. But who would choose that when he had blue eyes, right? Not that he was a choice, for that matter. He was just saying. The woman’s green eyes were prettier anyway.
Dennis did notice Mac’s curious gaze glancing at him from time to time, as if they were always connected by an invisible thread. Once again, Dennis didn’t actually care, it was just a fact that had occurred. He talked to the women for a while until they wished to go to the “dating” area of the bar, although he was able to throw a “well, if it doesn’t work out, you know where to find me,” before they left. The red-haired woman, named Lucy, had rolled her eyes at him after smiling in what he assumed had a flirty intention. Charlie approached the bar and asked him to help out with Frank’s stupid table and to maybe make the worst drink possible for Hellen so Frank fucks up. Dennis smiled gently at Charlie before telling him that Frank always fucks up without their involvement. Charlie’s shoulders relaxed, laughing along with Dennis.
‘Ooh, who is that? Is that Ryan Reynolds?’ Charlie pointed at Mac and the customer sitting together in one of the least crowded tables.
Dennis frowned.
‘Do you mean Gosling? Not the same Ryan,’ he mumbled. ‘And he doesn’t look like either of them. I mean, look at that guy, right? He just oozes asshole-ness with the ugly suit he’s wearing,’ he scoffed.
Charlie quirked an eyebrow.
‘Ookay dude. You seem kinda pissed. Did he not pay for the drink?’
Dennis grimaced.
‘I’m simply telling you how tacky it is to come here with the most expensive stuff you own. Like, what a pick-me, am I right?’ Dennis laughed, not sure if he used that term correctly.
Charlie laughed along.
‘Yeah yeah, I guess so. But Mac seems into him, no? Kinda hope he’s a nice guy. Don’t tell Mac,’ Charlie muttered. ‘You know how he gets. But I want the best for him, sometimes. He was so sad after uh… your whole Johnny joke,’ he patted Dennis’ hand, then picked up the bowl of dried nuts they always had at the bar, inspecting them closely.
The chatter around them appeared louder than it was.
‘Hey, can I ask you something?’ Dennis coughed.
Charlie hummed.
‘How was… Was Mac in a bad shape when I left?’
Dennis swallowed a lump of guilt, pushing it deep inside of his other repressed thoughts. Charlie took a bite out of the nuts, tapping his fingers on the edge of the bar.
‘Mm.. I mean, yeah. He had a lot of nightmares about you. Like, he’d call me a lot. But he’d also call Dee. And he asked to sleep at ours for the first week. It was awful because, well. I could hear him cry himself to sleep and pray for your happiness and for your kid, too. But also, dude, how do you live with him? He’s such a clean freak, like, do we really need coasters for our cups? He was a mess for a month, then he kind of…’
‘Kind of… what?’ Dennis urged.
‘I think he realized how pathetic and needy he was being, and he just shut down?’ Charlie pursed his lips. ‘Yeah, like he wasn’t himself. He spent so many hours at the gym, barely ate, just tried to look his best on the outside while he was doing awful on the inside. Why do you care? Did something happen? You’re not leaving us again, are you dude? If you are, I swear I’m going to kill you before Mac kills you or himself first.’
‘No, no! I’m not leaving, come on, you think I’d do that again?’ Dennis cried. ‘I was just thinking… about some stuff. Nothing happened,’ he lied.
Charlie crossed his arms. ‘Are you sure, dude? Because Mac and you have been super weird lately. He’s been super sad this week.’
Dennis hated how perceptive Charlie could be.
‘And you too, to be honest. You look pathetic,’ Charlie added.
‘What?!’
‘Yeah, man. Sorry you had to be told like this… you both have been kind of like, killing the vibe,’ Charlie scratched his neck.
Dennis couldn’t believe what he was hearing.
‘I’m not sad, I’m never sad!’ He glanced at Mac. ‘We’ve just… been fighting a lot. Mac told me that maybe the best thing would be for him to move out and I don’t want him to, so. That’s where we are at,’ Dennis sighed.
Charlie blinked at him, long eyelashes making a sort of illusion that he was wearing eyeliner. He was so pretty. Dennis had tried to convince Charlie into letting him do his makeup, but Charlie’s eyes always got too red and shiny because of the products, so. But the time he was able to do Charlie’s eyeliner had been great, he looked so pretty that Mac had stared at him for far too long.
‘Did you tell him that?’ He ate another one of the nuts, noise a little too loud for Dennis’ liking.
‘Tell him what?’ Dennis’ eyebrows knitted together.
‘That you don’t actually want him to move out. You tend to do that thing where you think Mac can read your mind, but he can’t and instead he gets hurt and you get overwhelmed with Mac’s sad feelings,’ Charlie swallowed, heavy-lidded eyes dropping slightly.
Fucking Charlie and his observant personality.
‘That’s not- I don’t,’ Dennis breathed again. ‘Okay. You are right. That’s exactly what happened,’ he gritted through his teeth.
Charlie rolled his eyes.
‘I’m going to the office for a bit, see if I can nap. I’m tired,’ Charlie yawned before taking the bowl of nuts with him. Dennis almost told him to not do that, since they were in the middle of a shift, but he just got a reality check by a man who still shared a bed with Frank, so.
Maybe he’ll let it slide this once.
That had been a quite unwelcomed moment of clarity. Dennis’ brows furrowed, Charlie’s words casting a shadow over his usual composed demeanor. Mac was now laughing at something that fuck-face had said and it made Dennis’ chest tighten.
Fuck.
***
The bar’s warm lights were slightly dimmer than before, or so it seemed reflected in Tyler’s eyes. Mac sipped the cold beer Tyler paid for, scratching his thighs when he got too giggly over the other man’s jokes. He was a charming guy and nice. They’d been talking about lighthearted stuff, like how he’d moved to Philly recently. Tyler told him that he’d gotten a promotion in the firm he was working at, and he’d been waiting for an opportunity to just meet new people. Emphasis on new. One of his coworkers showed him one of Paddy’s ads and Tyler wanted to see if maybe he would be lucky enough to find a gay guy in an up-and-coming neighborhood and a hipster-looking bar.
Mac had stifled a laugh at that, thinking about how different things were for them decades ago. In what world would anyone think their neighborhood was safe enough to hangout and meet new people without being afraid of getting stabbed? But things changed. Those changes used to scare him a lot. He didn’t like seeing hipsters and preppy douchebags with small crocodiles sewed on their polo t-shirts and weird looking sandals. But even so, what was wrong with that, truly? Like yes it wasn’t badass, and they were the type of people who would look down on Mac. Still, being rich and showing it off would be something he’d also do, so maybe the whole gentrification shit wasn’t so bad if it made them earn way more money than they'd ever had before, right?
Change was good. It had to be. If it wasn’t, then Mac would still be in the closet, and wouldn't have felt free for the past years of his adulthood. And God made him suffer a lot first before realizing being queer wasn’t a sin, but rather a gift from God that had to be earned. He didn’t get to that point until late in his life, but it was never about himself or his sexuality, it had to be about attaining God’s will and love.
He told Tyler so.
‘Are you religious, then?’ Mac asked him, right hand subconsciously tracing a cross on the table with the tip of his fingers.
Tyler tilted his head to the side with a thoughtful look.
‘I’ve had… my fair and share issues with religion, yeah. I don’t know if you might get upset if I say something bad about it though,’ Tyler tightened his lips.
Mac shook his head. ‘Go ahead.’
The corner of Tyler’s mouth lifted in a gentle smile of acknowledgement.
‘I went to a Christian school and, well, it had been quite traditional. You know, the whole Christ thing, the blood and the weirdly gay tension between him and Judas… whatever. It was also an all-boys school which didn’t make it easier for me to realize I didn’t like girls, but I had weird feelings for Jeremy from math class,’ Tyler grimaced. ‘It took me years to realize. In between that, I just hated myself. For years I went to Church and prayed for the strange, sickening feelings I had for guys to just… go away,’ Tyler took a sip of his beer, swallowing quickly before sighing. ‘Not sure if you also did this? But praying the gay away is just not a thing that could happen no matter how many times I wished it did. Hating myself became so tiresome. Like, why was I worse or sinful for being in love with another man, right? If we are the image of God, why some of us were fucked up from the beginning? It's not fair. So, I let go of it all, couldn’t go to Church without feeling like I was betraying God and myself.’
Mac watched Tyler’s voice tremble and, without thinking, he covered Tyler’s left hand with his right one.
‘I get it. I really do,’ Mac swallowed, his gaze carrying many feelings he could not really express well. He wasn’t good with words, but he hoped his touch would be enough.
Tyler smiled at him, muttering a small thank you. The bar was less crowded, the lights still soft, a song he didn’t know playing in the background while a bunch of drunk people sang along, his cross necklace around his neck a reminder of who he was and who he’ll always be.
Yeah, Mac did get it. More than he wished he did. There was a pit at the bottom of his stomach, and it was never quite full, was it? The truth crept in through the night, in the cracks and crevices of his chest, within the ribbons of his constrained heartstrings. Mac knew all along his religion had been an ocean of guilt and comfort, like how he bit his lip wound until it bled.
He understood better than anyone.
***
Dennis was grumbling. Very loudly. It had spooked some clients away from the bar, glancing at Dennis as if he were a wild tiger, trapped in his enclosure while pacing back and forth. His temper was thinning out and it sent shivers through the patrons who sent wary glances at Dennis. There were fewer people walking around and Dennis had been polishing the same glass for a while now, so clean it had become dirty again. Charlie was nowhere to be found -probably napping-, Frank had gone home with that rich lady he met, and Dee had finished talking to the waitress a while ago, now focused on working and taking people’s orders with such a pleased smile and rosy cheeks. It was disgusting, really. What had the waitress of all people told her that was so funny she was still smiling in a stupid way?
Dennis rolled his eyes, stupid, annoying, gross looking Dee. Why was she not there with him, making idle conversation and gossiping about the ugly outfits people had worn? She was an awful sister, that’s what it was. Just a useless woman. Dennis’s shoulders tightened, cracking his neck. He sighed and put the glass down, glancing at Mac. Stupid, asshole, irritating, ugly, awful Mac. Disrespectful Mac! He wasn’t doing his job and, frankly, there weren’t many people coming in. But still. He should be sitting in front of Dennis, talking about some stupid reality show he wanted to watch with Dennis after work, telling him about the new recipe for the gross food he would make for both and trying to convince Dennis for the millionth time to go check out the food market together.
He shouldn’t be talking in such a serious and focused way to that douchebag in a suit with those stupid glamor biceps and green eyes. See Dennis here, he didn’t have the biggest muscles, but he’d been putting on work these days while maintaining an elegance to his physical appearance Mac or that guy could never comprehend in a million years. Even if Mac did, annoyingly so, look great that night. Even if he had a soft demeanor these days, a new type of tired he hadn’t expected or experienced before, but that Dennis found somewhat endearing. Just somewhat.
Dennis picked up another glass, cleaning the sides with energetic movements, pursed lips, and a frown that would leave even more wrinkles on his old skin. Was that the issue? Did Mac not find him attractive anymore now that he knew what it felt like to fuck the golden god? Had he just given up on his absurd, rather obsessive interest or “love” for Dennis? It was so clear to Dennis that Mac wouldn’t know real love if it hit him in the face. His own mother burnt Mac while his father would sell him for a bag of drugs in a heartbeat.
What did Mac ‘Ronald’ fucking McDonald know about love? He’d been attracted to Dennis, as most people, and after tasting the real thing all his fantasies must’ve left him disappointed. That had to be it, really, because why was Mac so aloof these days? So eerily quiet it made Dennis’s nostril flare in anger and leave nail marks on the inside of his palms. He was old like those gross people he’d always made fun of. Saggy skin, creases and bumps in places there weren’t before. He should’ve frowned less in his twenties. That had to be it. Did Mac like silver-spoon assholes now? Had that been his new type? Dennis shook his head, yeah, Mac didn’t know shit about good taste in anything, much less men who deserved him.
That guy? Yeah, he didn’t deserve Mac.
‘Hey boner, what’s with the psycho look?’ Dee sat on one of the stools facing Dennis, smiling.
Dennis grumbled, cleaning the glass even harder.
‘I don’t speak bear noises, idiot,’ Dee rolled her eyes. ‘Is it… Mac stuff?’
Dennis looked up.
‘W-what? No. Why does everyone think I give a shit about Mac? I forgot he actually worked here.’
Dee sighed. ‘Right… yeah. The guy you’ve been living with since you were both babies.’
‘We moved together in our mid-twenties, or did you lose your memory? Forgot birds are stupid,’ Dennis laughed.
Dee asked for a beer which Dennis gave to her with another muttered insult.
‘It feels like you’ve known each other for longer, to be honest. But, for real, Den. Are you good? I can hear your shitty mood from the other side of the bar,’ Dee said before taking a sip.
Dennis finally stopped cleaning, now having truly nothing to do but to explain to his annoying sister how much he doesn’t care about his apparently loud grumbles.
‘I’m fine. Whatever. Hey, what do you think about the guy Mac’s with? He’s annoying, right? Be honest, sis,’ Dennis squinted his eyes in the direction of Mac and Mr. Suit table.
Dee blinked with suspicion, turning around while putting her hair behind her ear, then looked back at Dennis again. Dennis leaned forward on his forearms; eyebrows raised. ‘So?’
‘He’s… yeah, super ugly. For sure,’ Dee nodded.
Dennis knew her baby sister better than anyone in the world.
‘You’re lying. You never lie to me… unless you’re trying to- But you’re not,’ Dennis’s quizzical face expression made Dee laugh.
‘Oh, come on, Den. He’s kinda cute… I don’t want you to get sad about it, that’s all,’ Dee shrugged.
Dennis swallowed bile, pretending he almost puked. Dee showed him her middle finger.
‘Why would I need protection from you of all people? Fuck off. I just think Mac has bad taste, and I’m more handsome than that guy,’ Dennis huffed.
Dee made a weird noise.
‘Yeah okay, you’re like, ugly and mean and you can’t do anything without Mac. Which is why I don’t get how he’s been in love with you for so long, but Mac is also ugly, useless and stupid without you, so. Guess it works for you guys,’ Dee pursed her lips in deep thought, then shook her head as if whatever thought she had was too much to share with Dennis.
‘You’re like, the ugliest fucking human ever. Like, on earth, actually!’ Dennis yelled. ‘No one could be with you unless they take a high number of drugs. Whatever, you suck and you’re a loser whose dreams of being an actress were left years ago alongside your youth,’ he sulked.
Dee blinked at Dennis before she yelled back. ‘So original, wow. Look at me, I’m Dennis Reynolds and I’m jealous because my stupid, gay, whiny and pathetic roommate is flirting with another guy instead of paying attention to me! Hey, I’m Dennis Reynolds and I’m in love with Mac Mc- Hmph!’ Dee yelped at the feeling of her brother’s hand covering her mouth.
‘Shut up you stupid bird, you’re making us lose money with your monstrous voice,’ Dennis muttered.
Dee bit his hand so hard it made Dennis recoil.
‘Oh, you fucki- You disgusting, vile woman! You beast, you- you just. God, I hate you,’ he pinched her arm. ‘I’m also not in love with Mac, God. That’s just preposterous. Why would you even think that?’ he muttered.
Dee wouldn’t stop giggling. ‘Yeah okay, why are you so grumpy then? You could just get with any of these uggos, but you’re whining about how ugly Mac’s boyfriend is. You’re so jealous it’s fucking pathetic, Den. But I’m enjoying this show!’
‘He’s not his boyfriend! And I’m not- shut up. Leave! Be gone, you witch!’ Dennis shooed her away. ‘You’re so useless, why don’t you go make out with the waitress since we’re talking about repressed gay feelings?
Dee rolled her eyes again, her cheeks reddening slightly. She stayed but they didn’t speak for a bit, Dee drinking in silence while her hand inched closer to Dennis’, like a reminder she was there if he wanted to talk. He didn’t, but. Well. He still appreciated it, still. But what a stupid thing to say. In what world would Dennis be in love with anyone? Much less a big baby like Mac. A baby with muscles and bad cooking skills and religious trauma.
Fuck Charlie and Dee. Fuck Mac, too.
***
It was nearing closing time, but Mac hadn’t even noticed. Talking to Tyler was strangely comforting. There was something about him that reminded him of Dennis, probably the sarcasm and how opinionated he was. But Mac loved it. There was a moment or two when he wanted to lean in and touch Tyler beyond the subtle hand touches. If the bar had been less crowded before, now it felt like a ghost town, most people who stayed had done it to talk with their date in a more intimate nook at Paddy’s, where there wasn’t much space anyway. Tyler had asked Dee for two more drinks, Mac asking for a sweet cocktail, which Dee had made fun of him for, but he didn’t care since Tyler was also drinking one. And honestly, he couldn’t care less about what Dee of all people would think about him.
But he did care about Dennis’ opinion and truth be told, he could feel Dennis’ baby blue eyes burning a hole in him. He didn’t know what he’d done this time to anger Dennis other than not working, or maybe flirting with a guy. But Mac didn’t want to be hopeless. Dennis wouldn’t care what he did, he made it clear that day that he wouldn’t dare to be with Mac ever again. Not the way Mac wanted, at least. If he could have Dennis as his best friend, it might be enough. It should be enough. That’s why he had to give his all in any man like Tyler who seemed nice and patient with whatever storm was always happening inside of Mac.
Their drinks were taking a while. Mac checked where Dee was and she was sitting on the bar with the waitress and Dennis now, the three of them talking. Waitress left annoyed and Dee stared at her for a bit too long before staring back at Dennis. The same Dennis that had their drinks prepared on the bar but didn’t remind Dee to give it to their table. Just when Mac was about to excuse himself and go pick them up himself for Tyler, Dennis caught his eye and smirked. Mac’s stomach did a twirl, fluttering as always. He dumbly waved back at Dennis with a smile, to which Dennis responded with an eyeroll.
‘Who are you waving at?’ Tyler squeezed Mac’s left hand, then caressed the inner part of his wrist. It tickled him.
‘Oh, that’s Dennis! My best friend and roommate I told you about?’ Mac questioned.
Tyler nodded. ‘Ah yeah, the hot bartender guy. Do you think he has our drinks?’
Mac was going to say something just when Dennis appeared right beside them, as if he had heard them speak of him. Why did he come with their drinks and not Dee? Mac smiled back at Dennis then, embracing the comforting feeling that enveloped him when he was around Dennis.
‘Oh, Dennis! Uh, this is Tyler, he’s-’ Mac started to say but got interrupted by a sudden, crashing sound of glass and a yelp coming from Tyler, who had stood up from the booth, drenched in alcohol.
Dennis had dropped the tray with their drinks, but Mac saw Dennis had a stable hold on it. The shattered glass shone on the floor, a stark contrast to the tension that now hung in the air. Tyler, looking more bewildered than upset, attempted to wipe the alcohol off himself, the unexpected ending to their strange night.
Mac shifted his attention between the mess on the floor and Dennis, who seemed unfazed. In fact, he had a glint of mischief in his gaze, the same he’d get when making a joke no one understands. The few people who were still holding onto their drinks and trying to kill time at the bar had turned their heads towards Mac and Tyler’s table, drawn by the commotion.
'Sorry about that,' Dennis mumbled.
Tyler let out a nervous laugh. Mac’s eyebrows raised and he was biting his tongue to not let out the million questions he was harboring. He then attempted to salvage the situation. 'Okay, I’ll clean this all up, but as I was saying, uh- this is Tyler. We were just...'
‘Flirting in the middle of your shift,' Dennis interjected, his tone dripping with sarcasm. 'I can see that.'
Mac looked back at Tyler and finally stood up from the booth.
‘I have a spare sweater and pants you could wear? It’s in the back office,’ Mac put a hand on the middle of Tyler’s shoulder blades, guiding him towards the room, not even glancing at Dennis.
Mac opened the door while Tyler stood behind him. They woke up Charlie, but after briefly apologizing and explaining what happened, Charlie just nodded and kept on napping. He looked small on the chair with his legs folded and his head hiding on the nook of his arms. Mac gave Tyler his clothes and promised him he’d pay for everything, seeing how his expensive suit was just fully stained. Tyler laughed and told him that no, it wasn’t that bad, and he’d get it fixed himself. No need to pay. Mac selfishly appreciated the gesture, knowing he didn’t have that kind of money. Tyler changed in the bathroom, Mac waiting outside the door. Dennis and Dee had cleaned the glass and liquid poured over their table, letting everyone know they were going to close the bar in fifteen minutes. Some people started to leave while others went to the bathroom and lingered around the entrance.
Once Tyler was finished, he came out with a black sweater on and some gray sweatpants. Mac always had clothes there just in case anyone needed a change.
‘I’m sorry for just what happened,’ Mac frowned at Tyler, walking towards the door.
Dennis seemed to be explaining something to Dee, but he wouldn’t stop glancing at Mac and Tyler. Tyler chuckled, putting on the suit jacket and holding his wet clothes, folded over his forearm.
‘It’s okay Mac, I kinda needed the excuse to leave because otherwise I would’ve chewed your ear off until the sunrise.’ Tyler laughed.’ But…’ he looked at Mac’s hands before interlocking their fingers.
Mac glanced at Dennis who was watching them with a frown. He felt a pang of hurt in the middle of his chest, then forced himself to focus on Tyler. The same Tyler who was shivering a little bit, with eyes so dark and green they looked like the reflection of summer trees (Mac did cringe at his own cheesiness). Tyler didn't get angry at Dennis or how much Mac had talked about religion, his friends, and the random facts he shared about his relationship with Dennis. Or mainly about who Dennis was and how much Mac cared for him.
‘What is it?’ Mac asked, slightly worried he’d scared another person off.
Tyler smiled. ‘Give me your phone. I want to add my number to your contact list. If you want, of course!’ Tyler’s cheeks reddened.
Mac gave him his phone without thinking twice. Once Tyler entered his contact info, Mac stared at the name he gave himself. ‘Tyler wet suit guy’. Mac smiled.
‘One more thing,’ Tyler squeezed Mac’s hands, taking a step closer. A light pressure of lips against Mac’s mouth, so gentle that it might have not even happened. Mac had closed his eyes, taking by surprise that Tyler had liked him that much. In one blink the kiss had ended, nothing compared to what Mac felt each time Dennis was the one to kiss him, but it had been sweet, nonetheless.
‘Call me, yeah? And thank you for the clothes, I’ll make sure they're well-taken care of.’ Tyler let go of Mac’s hand.
Mac let out a laugh so full of air it felt like he’d been knocked to the ground.
‘Uh, have a safe night,’ Mac smiled at Tyler before seeing the man leave.
When he turned around, Dee was scrolling on her phone, and Dennis was angrily stomping towards the exit door that headed to the alleyway. There were only a few lights on, the bar almost closed. A rush of concern blinded Mac, so he followed Dennis with a worried expression on his face. Mac hadn’t been able to take a step forward without feeling the harsh wind hitting him with its freezing touch. He crossed his arms in a desperate attempt to seek warmth. The alleyway was so dark Mac had only been able to discern Dennis’ silhouette, back facing him.
‘Get the FUCK away from me, Mac. I’m not in the mood,’ Dennis said, his voice echoing.
Mac couldn’t see his face and it was making it hard for him to swallow. He put a hand on Dennis’ shoulder, rubbing it in a circular motion.
‘It’s okay, Den. Tyler’s not upset, and like, Dee has broken many glasses before,’ Mac whispered. ‘You’re a great bartender, don’t even worry about it. Let’s go home and I’ll run you a warm bath, come on.’
Dennis uncrossed his arms, finally facing him. A layer of wetness covered his eyes brimming with unshed tears. It brought out Mac’s protective instinct to take care of Dennis and find out what was upsetting him. Unfortunately, he could tell it had to do with something he did. Dennis balled his hands into tight fists, knuckles so white Mac’s demeanor changed from a worrisome expression to a slight pout.
‘Den?’ Mac said, forehead creasing.
He did that thing with his eyes that made him look all sweet and patient, as if he wanted Dennis to feel guilty. Dennis hated it. He wanted to grip him by the shoulders and shake him until he’d come to his senses. To hold Mac, to remind him who Dennis was underneath the façade and the pretense, that he had to see him for who he was or else he’d crumble.
Instead, Dennis pushed Mac so hard it made him fall backwards, hissing at the feel of the concrete floor and the cold dampness against his warm skin. Mac’s back throbbed in pain and although his scrapped hands were starting to bleed, he could only stare at Dennis with his mouth agape. He had drunk a few sweet cocktails beforehand, lips shiny with a coat of strawberry flavor. He could hear a buzzing noise and Dennis’ heavy breathing.
‘You don’t get to do that! To pretend everything’s fine. Nothing is fine, Mac! You are just- God, stop being a baby and get up,’ Dennis grabbed Mac’s hands and pulled him up.
Mac stumbled forward, bumping into Dennis’ chest, tipsy and confused with what was happening, so close to Dennis it made the buzzing sound appear again. He was used to Dennis’ mood changes, and it wasn’t as if Mac didn’t have them either. In fact, Dennis had been a saint for the many times he’d calmed Mac down. But the alcohol and maybe even the age had softened him. Mac looked down as if he had a long fringe, like the one from his twenties, to hide his teary-eyed gaze. But his hair was shorter, and he was too drunk and confused, so he just lightly shoved Dennis. It could almost have been playful if it wasn’t for Mac’s frown.
‘Is that all you have? You really are getting soft,’ Dennis laughed bitterly.
‘I just want to help but I don’t know how,’ Mac muttered, this time looking at Dennis.
Dennis sighed.
‘That’s the thing, you just always have to try, don’t you Mac? Mac the protector, Mac the bodyguard, Mac the housewife, Mac the little hero we all needed. The guy who makes playlists for his friends and wants to host dinner parties with me, as if we’re married, who cooks like shit but makes everyone’s favorite meals anyway. Mac is the nicest, most obsessive friend I’d ever had. You just never do shit right,’ Dennis closed his eyes, rubbing them with the back of his hands.
Mac swallowed down the urge to apologize. He wanted to say so much. That he wasn’t a protector. That if he was, he wouldn’t hurt Dennis with his overwhelming feelings. He’d be stronger, manlier, less overcome with waves of anxiety these days. He’d be able to move on and going after a man who has expressed discomfort over his advances. But, at the same time, kissed him. Held him when Mac had terrifying nightmares, regardless of what time he’d woke him up.
‘What’s your problem?’ Mac let his unfiltered thoughts blend in with the river of feelings he’d tried to not overflow.
‘My problem, Mac? I don’t have a problem, but you seem to,’ Dennis got closer to him. Mac could smell the beer mixing up with the flowery perfume Dennis always wore. ‘Kissing mediocre guys in front of me to- to do what, exactly? We had sex and now you’re trying to get at me for not giving into your romantic fantasies, is that it?’
Mac frowned, blinking slowly. ‘What?’
‘Don’t play dumb, asshole,’ Dennis replied.
‘I’d never make you upset on purpose, Den. You didn’t bring up what happened that night. I just thought, okay, message received, you know?’ he stumbled over his words, the corners of his mouth downturn into a grimace. ‘I know you hate me. You sure like to remind me of it. But I want…’
Dennis leaned forward, shivering. ‘At least what?’
Mac avoided his gaze, but Dennis held him by the chin. Dennis’ cold fingers ignited something in Mac.
‘What is it? Look at me,’ Dennis reminded him gently, scrunching his nose.
‘I want to find someone who will like me. I already told you. But I think…’ Mac swallowed. ‘I think you’re jealous. That’s what it is. I finally got it!’ Mac laughed.
Dennis stepped backward like he got electrocuted, hands now deep inside his pockets.
‘What are you talking about?’ Dennis laughed in astonishment. ‘Who on earth would be jealous of you ?’
‘You threw the drink at Tyler. I saw you, Dennis. I’m not that dumb,’ Mac crossed his arms again, red cheeks, ears, and nose.
It was freezing outside, the loneliness of a winter night only interrupted by the mist coming out of their mouths.
‘Maybe he was just fucking annoying, so what? It doesn’t mean I did it because I’m jealous,’ Dennis huffed.
Mac closed his eyes, letting out all the air he was holding in.
‘Why can’t you be fucking honest? I know you, Den. I can tell things have changed for you,’ Mac’s voice started to rise. ‘You’ve stared at me all night instead of getting laid with those chicks you were flirting with. You’ve been avoiding me for weeks after I told you I should move out. But what else should I do? You kiss me, you stop talking to me, we fight and then… then that night happened, I had the best fucking time with you and you- just. You disappeared again, Den,’ Mac’s voice cracked. ‘I don’t know what’s going on with you, but tonight you were acting like a jealous boyfriend, and it’s not cool to mess with my head like that.’
‘You're delusional, Mac,’ Dennis spat, a defensive edge to his tone. His eyes betrayed him, shining with uncertainty.
Mac, undeterred, closed the distance between them again.
‘Admit it, Dennis. You can't stand the idea of caring about my own happiness instead of yours. A world where you aren’t the person I care most about, one where you don’t push me around and make me feel like shit,’ Mac quietly said.
Dennis scoffed again. ‘You're reading too much into this. Maybe I didn't want to see you fuck up again. I was trying to be a good friend. Look at yourself, Mac. You’re old, ugly, and so stupid. Not even Tyler would date a loser like you, I mean. You’ve known me for three decades and can’t win me over,’ Dennis’s venomous tone made Mac wince.
‘I don’t give a shit about Tyler, this is about us,’ Dennis flinched. ‘There's something going on, and you're afraid to- to try and see if it’s worth it. If I’m worth it. That maybe, just maybe, you want more than you're willing to admit. Why would you make up Johnny? Why have sex with me after I got the courage to tell you I’m unhappy in our friendship? You say I’m horrible and that nothing will ever happen, but you keep- you just confuse me!’ Mac’s eyes shone with tears. ‘Why now?’
Dennis turned back as if he needed a break from their fight, hands on his hips. There were many things he wanted to tell Mac. Like how he wasn’t stupid, ugly, or old. He wasn’t any of those things. In fact, Mac would be a great boyfriend. The first time Dennis met Mac in high school, he wanted to know if his eyes were brown or hazel. If the weekly bruises and scars he wore to school were from his father. How he really wanted to live with Mac, but he had to share a room with other guys at the frat house. How when he was taking care of Dee after she had gone through the psychotic break, he’d almost asked to talk to a therapist about his own vile, nagging, and sickening memories from middle school. That he missed hearing Mac’s voice late at night, no matter how annoying, loud or repetitive he could be.
Those nights where he’d help Brian fall asleep, he would carry this emptiness with him as if something was missing. It weighed him down. He’d dwell on what type of father he could be to his kid when he couldn’t even properly talk about his feelings without breaking down into tears or rage. Because he didn’t know what it felt like to be embraced by a loving father but tried his hardest to be gentle with him. He felt so lonely without Mac. Without the gang. Without being tethered to the only people he’d ever called family. His presence was more aggravating than helping Brian. In the end, he had to go back to Philly. There were no other reasons beyond his inability to be a good dad, to love openly, to do so with no anxiety and fear. And it hadn’t been this nagging voice that wouldn’t cease it's singing about how nothing felt the same way without Mac beside him. That no one would whistle when cooking, leave everything tidy and clean because they grew up with uncaring parents. He missed the smell of Mac’s strong perfumes, and seeing his gym bag laying somewhere, even the chess table they used to play with at night while sipping tea that Dennis made them. Nobody would remind him to eat dinner or to unclench his jaw, to take a deep breath and express his worries to him, despite Dennis rarely doing so.
Mac was right. Dennis had disappeared after what they shared, and it affected him far more than he had expected. In ways he was convinced only Mac would be upset about. Mac’s desperate, almost urging tone of voice asking him, ‘why now?’ was nauseating. Dennis had no answer. He reacted on instinct and not with his logical thinking. It had been a mistake; they couldn’t go back to the subtle tension from before, the carefully crafted dynamic Dennis liked due to its safety. But Mac didn’t want to play anymore, and Dennis was just too tired to pretend.
Wearing a man’s skin, having a different identity from who you really are, scheming and creating alter egos that mirrored other parts of himself he couldn’t connect or display openly. None of it mattered now he was standing in front of Mac, and it wasn’t Johnny, but rather Dennis Reynolds avoiding Mac’s wet eyes and trembling hands. Dennis wasn’t ready to face him, but after a few minutes of silence, Mac turned him around in an awkward motion, hands gently rubbing Dennis’ arms.
‘Could you please tell me I’m not going crazy? That your feelings for me are real and not another scheme? It doesn’t have to be romantic love if that’s not what it is,’ Mac stressed. ‘Just, anything. Anything but ignoring me, Den. Please.’ Mac’s quivering lip turned Dennis’ heart inside out.
Why couldn’t they have had a conversation like this after they graduated? When Dennis asked Mac to live together in a cheap flat? When they moved to the suburbs and spent each night fighting, but always together? Why not when Dennis came back from North Dakota or when Mac had given him his stupid, poisoned shakes that Dennis fully knew about? Why now, nearing their fifties, when there was nothing to lose? When they were old and tired?
‘I don’t know,’ Dennis whispered back.
Mac’s eyes did that thing Dennis couldn’t stand, when he looked like an upset puppy Dennis wanted to cradle.
‘What do you really want?’ Mac’s hands were shaking from the cold, or the fear of what lie would Dennis come up with.
Dennis knew that feeling very well. He groaned and squirmed until Mac took a step backward. Which wasn’t what Dennis wanted, he needed Mac close, fuck.
‘Goddamnit it, I don’t fucking know! I don’t spend time thinking about my feelings as much as you do!’ Dennis yelled.
Mac’s eyes darted around Dennis’ face, searching for something, for a sign, maybe. Always hopeful, this one. He tilted his head to the side.
‘You do that! You- You have systems for every human interaction!’ Mac incredulously replied back, stuttering. ‘You spend hours improving your stupid systems that don’t work and make you sad and trap your feelings inside a b-box that only you can get to!’
Dennis’ eye twitched. ‘No, you’re a stupid system, Mac! And they don’t trap shit, they’re efficient! They work much better than what you do, which is just emotionally attacking people with your whining.’
Mac’s flushed face was another reminder of how long they had been talking outside. He took a deep breath, filling up his chest to the brim with the bitter, cold wind.
‘You’re impossible. And I’m tired, tipsy, and my ass hurts, and I think my hands are bleeding, so. Let’s go home,’ Mac turned away from Dennis, walking towards the back door.
Let’s go home. Together. Even after Dennis’ nonsensical responses, Mac still saw them as an item that should go back home, when he could take the bus and leave Dennis behind. He’d done it before. But Mac, sobering up, cold and hurt, wanted to go home and forget what they were fighting about. They’d probably just say Dennis was having a bad day, that Mac would swallow his feelings and nod, accept whatever safe lie Dennis convinced him of, whatever reality he made up so it would keep their friendship under his control.
Well. Dennis didn’t want to forget about it. Not this time.
‘Mac!’ Dennis’s tone of voice softened when he called out for the other man.
Mac stopped in his tracks without turning back. Expectant.
Always the dog waiting for scraps, his other voice said. Mac ignored it. He held his breath.
‘We’re not done,’ Dennis pleaded. ‘I know I’m impossible. You think I don’t have to live with myself? With my own thoughts? I don’t know what I want from you, just. Don’t call him,’ Dennis said.
With slouched shoulders, Mac turned back to face Dennis. It had been dark before but now he barely saw the outline of Dennis’ face, just half of it illuminated with the only streetlight that was still working. His gaze was softer and so blue it took Mac a minute to say what he wanted to without just blurting out I love you .
‘Why should I not call him back?’ Mac asked with his arms crossed.
Dennis furrowed his eyebrows. ‘Because I don’t want you to. Don’t call or text him.’
‘This is just not… realistic. I want to find someone who will like me, Den.’ Mac couldn’t help himself from not using a soft nickname. ‘You can’t just have me, but not want me at the same time.’
Dennis blinked like the mere thought of not owning Mac was an unknown realm he didn’t conceive as a possibility for him. For them.
Mac’s hugged himself again, pulse quickening with the nerves of having said so much of what he’d been thinking for years out loud. The streetlight cast long shadows that blended with their own shadows in a silent dance, the unnerving and sullen night sky hanging above them like a prop from a theater play. One where neither of them would get a happy ending, it seemed.
‘Why not?’ Dennis asked in a childish tone, but there was a hint of genuine wonder, a rawness cutting through the toughest bit of Mac’s flesh where he was trying to protect his heart. Dennis’ unguarded words almost broke him down with ease.
‘Because it’s not fair. I want us to be something more, you don’t, and it’s taken me years to understand we need boundaries. But you keep blurring them, so we go back to square one. I know you don’t believe me when I say this,’ Mac said, his voice carrying a seriousness Dennis rarely saw in him. ‘But I love you, Dennis. Loving you is who I am, but I can’t do this forever, not when I’ve already wasted so much of my life pretending, I was someone else,’ Mac’s admission snapped something in the air, his breathing getting louder with each word.
Dennis took a sharp inhale, taken aback by Mac’s honesty. The revelation hung between the small space of his and Mac’s shoes, a bridge that led to the impossible and the long-awaited.
Dennis, unable to articulate his thoughts, reached for Mac's hand. It was an unspoken plea for Mac to understand how hard it was for him to talk about his feelings. An acknowledgment of the tangled mess they had nurtured after decades of building a life together. For the first time, Dennis begged, his voice fragile and uncertain, ‘I think… I think I want more, too. I just don't know how to do it. We’re not exactly the sanest people. It’s us. We’ll fuck up everything,’ Dennis swallowed. ‘But I want… I want you, too.’
Mac’s resolve began to waver at Dennis’ sincerity, one that didn’t feel tangible at all, but rather something he’d imagine late at night before falling asleep. He embraced Dennis gently, not wanting to let go of the other man. The city sounds faded away, leaving only the warmth between them. They stood there for a long time, clinging to each other, wanting to say more, so much more but knowing they couldn’t, not yet. The silent promises found a place to rest beneath their heartbeats. The stars hung above them as Dennis and Mac decided to close the bar and head home. The dimly lit streets of Philly surrounded them, leaving it all behind them once they entered the car.
***
The atmosphere had shifted towards a newfound tenderness. As they drove through the familiar streets, the city lights blurred into a warm glow, casting colorful shadows that moved along the rhythm of their breathing pattern. When they finally arrived home, Mac put his jacket on the coat hanger of his closet, putting on a long-sleeved tee and pajama pants with a pair of warm socks. Just when Dennis had come out from the bathroom, freshly cleaned face and brushed teeth, Mac had locked the front door and put away the dried dishes. Dennis was wearing a dark green and gray set of pajama pants and t-shirt. He hovered around Mac, following him around with apprehension.
Mac headed towards the bathroom, but Dennis grabbed his wrist. It had happened more than twice in a span of a few months, and it never ceased to quicken Mac’s pulse.
‘Need anything?’ Mac’s immediate response made Dennis chuckle.
‘I know we left things on a weird note,’ Dennis acknowledged, his palm resting gently on Mac’s chest. ‘But I just… I was wondering. Well, if you’d like to sleep with me?’ The deep, sultry nature of Dennis’ voice sent a shiver down Mac’s spine.
Mac’s eyebrows raised quickly it made Dennis roll his eyes.
‘W-what, like. You want us to have sex?’ Mac whispered, gesturing with uncertainty between the two of them.
Dennis lightly tapped Mac’s chest with his index and middle fingers.
‘That was my fault for wording it like that, but no, Mac. I meant it like…’ Dennis glanced right where he touched Mac, cheeks reddening. ‘If you want to sleep in my bed? It’s warmer than your room.’
Mac mumbled a quiet ‘oh’, his eyelashes fluttering. Dennis smirked.
‘Yeah, I mean. Of course, just let me… Do you mind if I grab my cross and candle? I’ll be quiet,’ Mac worryingly bit his lip.
‘No problem, Mac. I already lit a candle for you. I know you always do that before sleeping,’ he tried covering up a sheepish smile with a cough.
But Mac knew him, too.
Once Mac had finished brushing his teeth, he reminded himself to go to Dennis’ room. It felt like so many things had happened in a day, Mac’s back still hurting slightly. But Dennis had promised to rub it for him the next day, so Mac didn’t feel that bad about it. When he came into the bedroom, Dennis was wearing his reading glasses, book in hand and already under the covers. Mac glanced at what he thought would be his side of the bed, his candle already lit like Dennis had told him. Mac took the cross and wrapped it around his right hand, then kneeled on the floor, resting his elbows on the soft bed.
Dennis pretended to read, but he curiously peeked at Mac’s night routine. He’d been praying for only a few minutes, muttering to himself, eyes shut and a slight tremor to his hand. Dennis’ chest filled with an odd, unexplored feeling which he didn’t recognize. It was akin to what people would describe in movies as getting butterflies, but that couldn’t be it, Dennis thought. Mac finished his prayer by making the sign of the cross with his hands, sighing. He put the cross on the bedside table and laid in the bed, so tired he could feel his bones melting into the mattress.
‘Goodnight, Den.’ Mac had said, barely conscious to hear Dennis’ soft ‘night, Mac’.
He’d closed his eyes, already half-asleep when the tip of Dennis’ index finger started to trace Mac’s knuckles. The cold touch electrified Mac, seeking more of the feeling, enjoying the stark contrast between his warm body and Dennis’ cold hands. He opened one eye to check if he was hallucinating, but no, Dennis was indeed there, lying on his side, propped up on his elbow as he traced the outline of his jaw now. Mac couldn’t fight off the heaviness of his eyelids, leaning into Dennis’ soft touches that ended in him caressing Mac’s cheek with small, circle motions.
After a while, Dennis turned off the lights. Mac, now nestled on his side, instinctively following Dennis, pulling him close to his chest, breathing in the soothing sent of Dennis’ soft hair. Mac rubbed his thumb, feeling Dennis’ heartbeat echoing under his touch, Dennis’ own breathing slowing down. A contented hum escaped from Dennis’ lips as he squeezed Mac’s hands. For the first time in months, they slept with ease.