Chapter Text
Living alone, Chan remembered what he felt like back then. The decision that makes him want to live alone. Being the singularity of Seventeen, hurt his heart.
He never mentioned it to his hyung. Whenever, he see his 12 hyung welcoming him, they look so good together without him in the picture. Sometimes, he's thinking what his 12 hyung were doing together in the dorm.
It suprised him when he heard the news that his hyung are moving out too but he understand their decisions. So, he never ask.
Chan never distanced himself from his hyung. However, they can feel the walls Chan put between him and them. They want to know why but each of them are afraid to ask that question. Seungcheol as the leader, learned from his previous mistake makes the first move. It is his job as a leader to protect his member, more importantly he love his member like a real family.
Seungcheol message in the group chat.
Seungcheol: Everyone, tomorrow is our rest day, we're gonna have a meeting in the company. Be there at 10.00am.
Other members replied confirming their attendance.
~~~~~~
IN THE MEETING ROOM
The member are puzzled since there is no manager nor staff in the room. Seungcheol clear his throat and start speaking.
"Everyone, I'm sorry I lied but this meeting is not about our group activities. It's about our bond as a group" Seungcheol then look at Chan. "Chan, I've noticed that you distanced yourself from us. You are here but you're not. Chan, you might not noticed it yourself, but we can see your sad expression whenever you were alone. Is there something bottling up in your mind?"
Chan was startled. This meeting is about him. They noticed his sadness. He twiddling with his finger and bit down his lips to get rid of his nervousness.
They all look at Chan with worried eyes. Jeonghan who knew what this meeting was about decided to sit beside Chan to give him encouraging words and to comfort him. Jeonghan turn the chair so they both face each other and put his one hand on Chan hands and the other one on Chan shoulder.
"Chan look at hyung." Chan turn his eyes at Jeonghan "Chan, we knew we fucked up being your hyung in the past. We don't want it happening again. We noticed something isn't right but we are afraid to ask you. We noticed it for a while now. We don't want to lose you Chan. Please let us know, we will do everything we can for you, Chan. You are our maknae."
Chan feel touched yet hurt at the same time. There's nothing his hyung can do about his situation.
"But hyung.. you can't. You can't fix my problem"
"Tell us Chan. Be honest with us. Be honest with your feeling. Chan, your hyung is stupid and dense. We won't know until you said it out loud. So please,, speak to us. We want to listen, we want to know" The8 persuaded Chan.
Chan was moved by The8 words. Indeed his hyung attitude towards him had changed for the better, it just sometimes he feel like he don't belong in Seventeen.
They all wait for Chan to speak. Everytime Chan about to speak, he hesitated. Jeonghan grip his hand hoping it will give Chan some courage.
"H..hyung.. sometimes, I feel like I don't belong in Seventeen."
They were suprised by Chan words, ready to denied it but Jeonghan give them a death stare warning them to not interrupting Chan.
"Chan, go on" Jeonghan encourage him.
"This whole situation makes me realised, it's not hyung fault. It's me. The only member that was born in 1999 and the 13th member which is an odd number. Unlike hyung that have same age members, I don't. You guys can be paired up by two, but me, I have no one. 13 is an odd number and I'm the odd one here. Seventeen should have debuted with twelve members. Even Jun hyung has The8 hyung and Joshua hyung has Vernon hyung to speak in native language.
It's me. I'm the one that hurt myself. I'm being too greedy to debut with hyung because I want to debut early. I should accepted CEO offer and debut later.
But I love Seventeen. I should be grateful and just shut my mouth, be obedient and listen to hyung.
But I'm too greedy and selfish again. I want to be treated equally by hyung. I want to be listened, I want hyung attention and I want to be treated like a maknae. I want to be the first in everything.
I'm too selfish and self-centered that I hurt my own feeling because I want more.
Hyung, you all look happy together without me in it. I'm sorry for being too selfish. I shouldn't debut with you guys. I'm too greedy. I'm so sorry."
Chan apologised. He never regretted his choice but he regret for being too greedy.
Seventeen hyung realised that they forgot about the issue that arose before they debuted. Chan struggled as the maknae was known in the company to the point the CEO offered him to be the next leader for the new group. However, if Chan chose not to debut with them back then, he won't be an idol until today.
All this time, Chan has been struggling but they were too blind to noticed it. Only Wonwoo that able to escape himself from the bubble and took care of Chan as a hyung should be behind the camera.
It's not Chan. They are the one that are selfish.
Jeonghan softly ask,
"Chan, is that what you've been thinking all this time?"
Chan nodded. All Seventeen hyung are speechless. They don't know the right words to comfort Chan. They want to refute Chan claimed but their past action showed otherwise. They want to comfort Chan, reassuring Chan but the words are not coming out. There's too much of self-blame on Chan part that they don't know where to start addressing the issue.
"Chan, you are wrong. You are wrong to think that way. We're supposed to debut with 17 member but 4 of them had to withdrawn themself making you become our maknae. We.. we never paid attention to you because you are independent and our attention were at Samuel at that time.
We forgot about your contribution in our group especially in choreography after you become the maknae. We didn't listen to your opinion because our mindset had been wired thinking of you as someone that is 'too young to understand' and 'your taste won't match us'.
We're the one making an assumption of what your like and dislike. It ends up with we making the decision for you which led to we ignoring your opinion and you. We forgot to include you.
We are sorry Chan. We deeply regret it"
Jeonghan couldn't continue his word. He might cry if he continue talking but he need to convey the message, but the words stuck in his throat.
Seungkwan then added,
"Chan, don't you remember? we were so close back then because we became trainee almost at the same time. Chan, I'm sorry. I don't know what got into me to the point of me treating you like that. We both only have one year age gap but I act like I'm more senior than you, more mature than you, more better than you. I forgot that you teaching me dancing while I'm teaching you singing. We used to help each other. But I abandoned you. I'm sorry"
Seungkwan is filled with regret.
Hoshi then speak,
"Chan I used to admired your hard work and dedication in dance. When you become a trainee, I was so happy to find someone as passionate as me in dance. Jeonghan hyung is right, after you become our maknae, my perspective of you become different. I ignored your advice and opinion. Everything you did irked me because I've been told by the maknae. I felt like I'm being looked down by you and I start nitpicking at every of your mistake just to make me feel good about myself. Chan, I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry."
Mingyu then speak up,
"Chan, Wonwoo hyung was right. When he lashed out, he asked us when was the last time we talk to you nicely. I realised that after you become the maknae, I have the urge to show you that I'm better than you. You were so opinionated back then, correcting my mistakes and telling me on my clumsiness. I want your respect but I did it in the wrong way. I crushed your confidence. You questioning your position in Seventeen because of us. We make you feel that way. But Chan, we were lucky to have you in our group. You're such an all-rounder. I am so grateful that you chose to debut in Seventeen with us but we take you for granted. We don't appreciate you enough. I'm so sorry"
Woozi then added,
"Chan, Mingyu is right. You are such an all-rounder. You can be in any sub-unit you want. You're good dancer, singer and rapper. You're also good at lyrics writing and composing. You'll become big someday. You have so much talent that it makes us want to push you. But we pushed you too far. Always saying you could have done better and you need to improve more. We make you doubted yourself and almost destroying you. We forgot that you are a human that have feelings and need a well deserved rest too. We're sorry for not paying attention to your feelings."
Jun then said,
"Chan, when I first came here, I'm scared because I'm the only Chinese member and I don't speak in Korean language. When I knew The8 will joined the trainee, I felt happy. Finally, I have friends that I can talk to comfortably. I learned Korea culture. Chan, it must be hard for you. I didn't realised you're struggling like me too. You can speak Korean with your hyung but you can't speak comfortably like talking to a friend. It must felt lonely. Chan, you are not selfish. We are. So please stop blaming yourself. You are in Seventeen because you deserved it. You fight for it. It's your hyung that are too blind to noticed it"
Chan feel touched, but it still didn't eliminated his issue.
Vernon suddenly ask,
"Chan, did you feel lonely even when being with us?"
"Not always but I wish I have same age friend within the group like hyung or one more member. I know it's a silly wish"
"Chan, you know that we love you right?" DK asked unconvincingly
"I don't know... Truthfully, I'm not so sure, hyung. You all have put a seed of doubt in me. I tried thinking positively but hyung, somehow you all will find a way to betray me and I'm a fool always falling into hyung lie. I feel like my friendship with hyung are such a toxic one"
Chan couldn't help but chuckled at himself. He amazed by his own stubbornness to stay in this group after everything they put him through. Wonwoo has been sitting beside Chan, listening to him. He didn't understand. He want Chan to elaborate more.
"Chan, can you talk more about our friendship. What makes you think our friendship is toxic? Tell us everything that you remembered. Hyung are here to listen to you. Not to judge you nor refute you. Your feeling is matter too. You are matter. Please don't be scared to share your feeling. If you are scared, just look at me. Talk to me as if no one is here other than us. I'm here for you Chan"
Wonwoo words gives Chan courage. They both hold each other hand. Chan start speaking more.
"Wonwoo hyung, before our friendship turn for the worse like before, it already happened. There's a time where Hoshi hyung invited me to go eating out with him through call and I told him to wait for me for 10 minutes to get ready while he waited for me, but when I arrived, he already gone by himself leaving me. When I asked he said I might have changed my mind, that's why he went without me. It's not only with Hoshi hyung, other hyung too.
Whenever you guys played games and setting your own rules. I wholeheartedly believed you guys will follow it, but whenever it's my turn, you guys go against your words, and makes me taking the punishment. You guys never went easy on me in games saying we're all equal but you guys unconsciously use your hyung card making me feel scared to win against you guys. I cannot brag about my wins because hyung will feel offended and sulking but when I lose, hyung will make a funny face at me and called me a loser.
Wonwoo hyung, you and others like to teases me and pranking. You thought you teases me only once in a week. But hyung, you forgot there are 12 of you. So, everyday I'm constantly being teased. When I snapped because I'm not in a good mood to take the teasing, hyung will play victim and makes me feel guilty and it lead to me doing embarrassing stuff to appease hyung.
In the dorm, all the dirty work or things hyung don't want to do will be tossed at me. Seungcheol hyung like to ordered me around. Others too but not as bad as Seungcheol hyung. It's lucky I have Mingyu hyung, if not, the cooking will be tossed at me too and I'll get scolded because I'm not a good cook."
Chan look at Wonwoo hyung with a teary eyes.
"Wonwoo hyung, I never win. Everything I did, there's always a flaw in hyung eyes. I know I'm human, I'm not perfect but why hyung never encourage me like hyung did to each other?
I tried my best. I really really did tried my best. I got nodules because I'm singing too much. I practised non-stop improving my dancing skills, getting sore muscles and cramps all over my body. I tried learning writing a lyrics and composing. I too went on a strict diet. But why, why my effort is never enough in hyung eyes. Why hyung said 'it's okay' when others makes a mistake, when it's me "Chan, don't drag us down", "you're a maknae, you should train more"... It's happens since our debut days.
Wonwoo hyung, you're the first one to noticed it, it's not too late but I'm already hurt. It took 5 years for you to realised I'm being hurt by other member and without your effort and outburst, I would be treated the same until today.
Hyung I tried to speak up but none of you listen. "Chan, you're not the only one", "Chan, we're just teasing" "Chan, you are too sensitive", "Chan, we did this for your own benefit", "Chan, if I were your age with talent like that, I would try harder than you", "Chan, you wasting your talent"
Hyung love me? Which part of it that screamed hyung love me? If that is hyung love language towards me, yes it is indeed a toxic one.
And I'm a toxic too.
I refused to let myself quit Seventeen. I have put too much effort to be here. I know other sunbaenim that have debuted in more than one group but I'm scared to follow that path. We used to have a good relationship during our trainee days but it suddenly change when I became the maknae.
I don't mind not being treated like maknae. The only maknae thing was "Who's Jeonghan baby?" Which is embarrassing for 16 years old kid. Hyung didn't treat me like a maknae and hyung didn't treat me as an equal either.
Hyung are such a parasite in my life.
Hyung only care about my singing, dancing and my performance. Other than that, hyung ignore my existence. The reason I stay is because of my real biological families and Carat. I like the attention I received from our fandom. Carat always proud of our music and performance. It makes me happy and proud to be a part of Seventeen. I want to stay in Seventeen longer but I need to put myself first, I need to love myself more. That's why I decided to move out. So that we could have less interaction with each other.
What's the point of always being together but always getting hurt. Hyung has been trampling on my feelings.
Wonwoo hyung, sometimes I'm wonder.. am I too stubborn or too stupid or both because I still want to be in Seventeen. I'm being nothing other than greedy and selfish."
All this time, Chan only look at Wonwoo. Pour his heart out at Wonwoo. Wonwoo never broke his eyes contact with Chan. Wonwoo good at masking his expression. He won't break down infront of Chan because Chan needs him as the pillar.
Wonwoo look at Chan. He look so small and is filled with invisible scars. Instead of protecting him as a hyung, they broken him into millions of pieces.
5 years of tormented life could not be erased by a few months of kindness. They hurt Chan immensely yet still demanding his love. They really have no shame.
Chan never shed tears. In the past, he did but now his tears is too dry to cry over this matter.
Wonwoo look at Chan dearly, he put a sad smile on his face and said.
"Chan, finally you shared you feelings. Didn't you realised? This whole time you never mad at us. You keep it to yourself. You always smile and treat us with kindness. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. I didn't know we hurt you to this extend"
The other members that's been listening could not believe themselves either. They hurt Chan a lot and he endured it all by himself. Seungkwan stand from his seat and running toward Chan, hug him and apologised profusely while crying.
One by one come hugging and apologised to Chan yet somehow Chan feel numb. He want to forgive and forget but he can't forgive nor forget it easily. Wonwoo, Jeonghan, Joshua, Mingyu, Seungcheol, and The8 noticed it. Chan smile didn't reach his eyes. His expression looks empty. He is bored
"Seungcheol hyung can I go home now?" Chan asked. The member are suprised.
"Y..yes...sure" Seungcheol replied and Chan immediately run to the door. Leaving all his hyung behind.
"We hurt Chan a lot aren't we?" Hoshi said out loud.
"How can we fix this?" Woozi ask
"Be nice, treats him like a friend, treats him like a maknae. Chan said it himself, it happened since debut, means it's been 5 years we mistreated him. You can't expect all can be forgiven in a few months. It's only been 11 months since we discovered it. We had a long way to go convincing Chan that we loves him"
Wonwoo said sadly.
Apology letters are not enough to heal Chan broken heart. He need a constant care and love by his hyung. Chan need times to heal.
His hyung are determined to become a great hyung for Chan. They won't make Chan feel lonely for being the 13th member and the only member born in 1999. They will be in Chan life until he feel suffocated with the love he received from his hyung.
They love Chan dearly. They know it will be a long journey for seeking Chan forgiveness but they are determined.
They will do everything in their power to overshadowed Chan miserable memories of them and replaced it with a good one.