Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Regulus didn’t know how long they sat on the curb together. They didn’t speak, but Regulus didn’t feel like they were supposed to. Not then.

Time passed, the night wearing into the depths of morning. When it still felt too dark to call it morning, but it was a new day nonetheless. Exhaustion crept in, blurring the edges of his vision.

They’d been silent for so long that Regulus jumped when James spoke.

“Do you want to come back to my place? It’s a longer drive to yours and you don’t need to drive this late.”

Regulus blinked. He wasn’t sure if he was surprised by the offer. If he should have been surprised. Instead of asking any questions, Regulus just nodded.

“I walked here,” James admitted. “But it’s only a few minute’s drive. I’ll tell you the way.”

Regulus nodded again, too drained and tired to do much more. James wound up driving when Regulus nearly keeled over when he stood up, muscles aching from sitting on the concrete so long. Regulus was surprised no one had called the cops on them.

James’ home wasn’t particularly notable. It was fairly plain, the only personal touches pictures of his friends. There was some newer ones, as well as pictures that were clearly from college. Regulus’ heart ached in a strange way. He was glad James Potter had become the kind of person who had pictures of his loved ones on his walls. That there were memories he cherished enough to hang up and look at every day. Regulus noticed that there were notably no pictures of James’ parents.

He felt a stab of grief for James as Regulus realized that it could be two things. Either James couldn’t bear the reminder that they were gone, or he didn’t have any pictures. He’d been so young when he’d gone into foster care and had no other family members. Who would have kept those pictures safe for James? Where would they have gone?

Regulus didn’t know. He hadn’t kept any memories of his life before he left his parents, and he’d burned anything that remained the day he set Grimmauld Place alight. Any physical evidence of Regulus and Sirius’ childhood was nothing but ash now.

That was probably for the best, though he did sometimes wish he had some pictures of himself and Sirius as kids. Even if they were all tainted.

James set Regulus up in the guest room, giving him clothes to borrow and a spare toothbrush. He bid Regulus goodnight before slipping down the hall.

It all should have felt so painfully overwhelming. But honestly, after the life he’d led, Regulus thought it wasn’t too bad. It wasn’t pure pain, though the edges of it lingered. There was something else. Something in the softness of James’ gaze and the look in his eyes as he said goodnight.

It felt like that spot of light Regulus had longed for and given up on.

I didn’t dream it all up. He’s looking at me like it was all real. Like he did in my mind. Bigger than he did back then. Like it’s more now. Like he somehow cares more.

Regulus fell asleep with a feeling he couldn’t bear to touch for fear of ruining it. He just let it rest in his chest.

He was pretty sure it was hope.

__

Regulus woke to the smell of coffee. For a moment, as consciousness lingered beyond his grasp, he thought he was at Sirius’ place. It took a moment to remember as he opened his eyes to unfamiliar blue walls. Regulus sat up, the blanket falling to his waist. He looked down at the too-long sleeves of the soft shirt he was wearing. It was dark red, soft with wear and long sleeved. Because of course, almost everything James owned covered his arms.

James.

That’s where Regulus was. In James’ home, sunlight sneaking through the blinds, leaving sharp strokes of light on the far wall.

For a long time, Regulus could do nothing but sit there, warm in this unfamiliar bed. He was afraid.

Maybe the night spent in the limbo, timeless slump of the gas station hadn’t changed anything. Maybe they could spit out all their truths and honesty, but it wouldn’t undo the bite. Maybe, James would meet Regulus with his walls up and his eyes closed off.

Regulus held his breath as he rose from bed, creeping down the hall. He paused in the kitchen doorway. James was at the stove, the news was on in the other room, the faint hum of voices unintelligible.

To Regulus’ surprise, James was wearing a T-shirt. Regulus wasn’t sure he’d ever seen James’ arms exposed outside of juvie. It was striking the way it reminded Regulus that James was not sixteen anymore. His arms were stronger, toned, not those of a teenager.

It should have been a terrifying thought. Really, this was uncharted territory. But while Regulus was unnerved by the possibilities (for failure and otherwise) he didn’t hate James for being different any more than he hated him for being the same. There was something in Regulus’ soul that knew James Potter, in every life, every place, every universe. The part that had lit up the first time he’d seen James again, just to sputter out just as quickly. James had doused that flame, but maybe not entirely. It was flickering feebly now.

“Morning,” James said, even though his back was still turned, and he hadn’t given any indication that he’d heard Regulus come in. Maybe, James’ bones knew Regulus too.

It always felt too big for here. Too big for two months, for their chest of collective traumas, for every little piece that had come after. But however big it felt, the universe seemed willing to house it. Regulus’ pounding heart certainly was.

“Good morning,” Regulus murmured. He hesitated in the doorway for a moment before forcing himself into motion. He sat down at the table.

James turned now. His gaze was open, if not a little tired. “Coffee?” he asked.

“Please,” Regulus nodded, suppressing a yawn.

James’ lips quirked at that, and he turned around to grab a mug from the cabinet. “How do you take it?” Regulus laughed abruptly at that, and James turned to raise his eyebrows. “What?”

“Nothing,” Regulus shook his head, tampering down his smile. “It’s incredibly strange that for all of me you have, you don’t know how I take my coffee.”

These were little things. Things they didn’t know yet. Things Regulus wondered if they’d learn now. Because this… this felt like something was settled. Not the abrupt snip of their string. Not like they could cut it all off and move on without resolution.

“I’m going to hazard a guess that you take it black,” James said, a faint smile on his lips.

Oh. Maybe the big knowing bled into the little things.

“You’d be right,” Regulus admitted.

James shook his head at that, pouring some coffee from the pot before setting it down in front of Regulus. He turned back to the stove, and silence followed as James prodded at whatever was sizzling in the pan.

Neither of them spoke. The TV droned on from the other room.

Eventually James dished the food from the stove, fixing two plates before sitting down. The quiet continued as they ate breakfast, the afternoon already creeping up on their late morning.

“Work?” Regulus asked after they’d finished their food.

“Called out again,” James shrugged. “My ‘cold’ is still kicking my ass. Terrible thing.”

“Terrible…” Regulus agreed, surveying James who looked perfectly healthy aside from the shadows under his eyes.

“What do you think of today?” James asked as he pushed his plate away.

“I have no idea what you mean.”

“I mean, is it different from last night?”

“It’s different… but I don’t think anything is undone.”

James let out a relieved exhale, and Regulus wondered if he hadn’t been the only one afraid of the maybes.

“What does this mean now?”

“I- I’ve never figured out what any of it means,” Regulus admitted softly.

“No? Neither have I. Maybe we don’t have to assign meaning. It is whatever it is even if we don’t understand it.”

Regulus could accept that for the time being. He nodded in agreement. “Maybe so,” he murmured.

“Do you need to get home?”

Regulus shook his head. “I need to let Barty know you didn’t kill me,” he said, pulling out his phone.

“That would have been counterproductive,” James said in amusement as Regulus quickly typed out a message to his best friend.

He set down his phone, meeting James’ eye. “Or, the tragic, fitting end to our story—us killing each other.”

“It might be poetic, but it wouldn’t fit right. I’ve never had violence for you.”

And what a gut-wrenching, horrible truth that was. Regulus ignored the pang in his chest.

“You’ve never had violence for anyone other than yourself,” he said plainly. “Everything else was collateral.”

“Even you,” James whispered. Regulus couldn’t tell if it was a question or not.

“You’ve hurt me. In the ways that matter most, probably. Physical pain is just pain in its bluntest form. Just a message from your brain telling you where something is wrong. But I’ve hurt you too. And maybe we’re done with that now.” Regulus didn’t know if the last part was a question of his own. Maybe it was just a statement, but it begged for James to respond.

“Why don’t we do away with the maybe,” James said, bracing his elbow on the table to lean forward. Something glinted in the depths of his eyes that Regulus couldn’t read. “Let’s just be done with it.”

“Not so simple for two people so dreadfully entangled in pain.”

“I stopped hurting myself, I can stop hurting you.”

“You never stopped hurting yourself,” Regulus said instantly. James flinched at the words, but he didn’t disagree. Regulus was glad, if he had they might have fought. “But you should give both a try. I’ll try too.”

“I can try,” James said quietly. There wasn’t much conviction in the statement, but it wasn’t exactly weak either. There was true desire to attempt behind his words. James didn’t seem sure he could yet, but Regulus was pretty sure he wanted to.

“Have you ever?” Regulus questioned unblinkingly.

James swallowed. “I’d thought I had but…” he waved a hand, eyes falling on the way sunlight painted the floor as it flickered through the lace curtains. “Illusions,” he murmured, like it meant something Regulus didn’t understand.

“Illusions?”

“Yeah it’s… some might be okay, some I should let go of,” James shrugged. “I’m figuring out which is which. But I’d like to try, I’d like to change. In a real way. Not in the way where I’m pretending like I’ve changed so I don’t have to face the reality of it. W-would you still like me if I changed?”

“You mean… if you were better?” Regulus asked, his eyes widening.

“Yes. I- we built our understanding of each other off of being equally fucked up. We met in juvie, we met again both haunted by the past. Wouldn’t it change if we didn’t have this… trauma bond?”

Regulus stood up suddenly, his chair pushed backward with a screech. “James,” he said “I didn’t ever see something in you just because we were both equally hurt. It was the way you looked at me, that life in your eyes. It made me feel human, it made me want to hope. I never saw any path for my life except right down to the bottom, and then there you were. And the further down I went, the more you stuck. Like a reminder, a terrible one sometimes, and a little pinprick of light other times. But better wouldn’t change things, not for the worse.”

James seemed unable to speak. He opened his mouth and then closed it, shaking his head wordlessly. “You think?” was the whispered response he settled on eventually. It hardly touched on the enormity of it all, but maybe words just weren’t enough for that.

“I do,” Regulus responded just as simply.

“Okay,” James nodded.

Slowly, Regulus sat back down. He took a sip of his coffee. It felt like the intense part of their conversation was over.

“So did you have plans for today?” Regulus asked.

James blinked at the sudden change in topic, and then he smiled. Regulus didn’t know why James smiled, but he wasn’t complaining.

“Sirius wanted me to come over tonight.”

“Hm, he wanted me to as well,” Regulus sighed, glancing down at his dark phone screen.

“Want to go?”

“Together?”

“If you want to spend the day with me first.” It was an offering, something they’d never done before.

“Doing what?”

“I want to see the coast,” James murmured. “I dreamed of my mother there the other night. We used to go there when I got upset and she’d have me count the stars. I’d forgotten about that until I dreamed of it. I… I despise the things I forced myself to forget.”

“Maybe you needed to forget at the time,” Regulus told him. “Survival,” he said knowingly. “And maybe your brain knows it’s time to remember. But, if you want to me to come, I will.”

“I do,” James said firmly. A pause. “I dreamed of you there too.”

“You dream of me?” Regulus asked in surprise. James nodded, and Regulus swallowed. “I dreamed of you too.”

“What did you dream?”

“We were playing cards, you were bleeding.”

“Doesn’t sound very pleasant.”

“I had a mental breakdown over it,” Regulus said wryly. “But I think it meant something I wasn’t ready to see. It wasn’t really an unpleasant dream, just a reminder of what we were and what we weren’t anymore. The honesty of it scared me.”

“What was a like in your dream?”

Regulus thought that was probably an odd thing to ask. James didn’t want details about the dream, he wanted to know how Regulus saw him in it.

“Just as you are. Unrelenting in your ability to see right through me.”

“There’s a lot I didn’t see,” James said, his brow furrowing.

“And now you do?”

“Clearer, definitely.”

“It’s a bridge we’ve crossed,” Regulus shrugged.

James nodded, his eyes flicking over Regulus’ face.

Regulus wondered what he saw there.

After a long moment, James stood, gathering both of their plates. “To the coast?” he asked.

“Sure,” Regulus agreed.

The car ride was quiet, James’ fingers tapping on the steering wheel absently. Regulus just rested his head on the window and watched the world go by. When his breath fogged up the glass, Regulus went to apologize for dirtying it, but James instantly cut him off.

“Draw a picture, write your name,” he suggested. It was a strange request. Regulus indulged it anyway. He leaned forward, exhaling through his mouth to create a fog and then drawing his finger to the glass.

R. A. B. he wrote there, and then drew a few stars around the letters.

James could only look away from the road for a second, but as he glanced at Regulus’ handiwork, his eyes widened, breath catching.

“What?” Regulus asked as James looked back to the road with a shaken look.

“It’s just… you ever feel like some things are written out for us? Like you think things, and then the universe gives them to you?”

“No,” Regulus said instantly. “I’d like to think if the universe had any greater plan, it would have spared me a little. If there’s a higher power, they’re a sadistic bastard.”

“Probably,” James’ lips curled despite the conflicted look in his eyes. “But… I just think some things are meant to be. The good things, maybe.”

“It’d be a nice thought, I suppose,” Regulus shrugged. “Or maybe we’re all just wildly spinning through life with no direction and the things that happen just happen with no greater meaning. Things don’t need to be divine to be meaningful.”

This isn’t, Regulus didn’t say. This space between them, the distant crackle of the radio—it wasn’t anything greater than two human beings finding each other. A strangely hopeful part of Regulus thought that made it more important that they were here.

They didn’t speak again, even as James put the car in park. They headed towards the wet sand together. The sky wasn’t clear, there were a few dark clouds threatening to overtake to the sun, but for the moment, it shone brightly.

“This is where my mother took me,” James murmured as they stared out at the ebb and flow of the tide. “I remember now, I used to get angry. I felt that way a lot, and the feeling frustrated me and made me angrier. My mother took me here to calm down. It does make me wonder… if I was always this person. If I was always going to be so fucking angry, even if things turned out differently.”

“Or you were just a kid who couldn’t regulate his emotions yet, and you would have grown out of it,” Regulus said. The breeze was rustling through James’ hair, and there was the taste of salt on the air. “You can’t know,” Regulus pointed out. “There’s no way to know because this is the life you’ve lived.”

“Am I allowed to imagine another life?” James asked. “Does that count as running? Pretending there’s a version of me out there who never went through any of this? Imagining he’s living free and unburdened?”

“It’s not running as long as you don’t hate yourself for not being that person,” Regulus said. His eyes traced the curve of James’ jaw as he looked out at the horizon. “Or… you forgive yourself for not being that person.”

“Might be something to work on…” James mumbled. “Do you ever think about yourself being different?”

“No,” Regulus said truthfully. “I can’t imagine my path being much different. I feel like no matter who I was or where, it would have been similar. Filled with things that are hard to swallow. Maybe in others, I didn’t even make it this far. I held onto who I was at fifteen because that was real. It was someone I’d lived as. I would have given anything to get it back, but that’s gone. I can’t undo anything or change what I’ve gone through. But I’m here now. It sounds so disgustingly optimistic to say all I can do now is look forward. But.. it’s not even optimism, just the cold hard truth. I can’t change anything, where else is there left to go? If I was fifteen again, then I’d have to live through everything that came after. I don’t want that. So forward we go.”

“Forward,” James agreed. Finally he tore his eyes away from the coastline, meeting Regulus’ gaze with something unyielding and intense. “You should forgive yourself too, for wishing you could go back. Even if you know now, there’s nothing wrong with longing for a before.”

“You were my before,” Regulus whispered, a quiet admission James already knew at that point. “But now you’re here, so there’s no point lingering on the before.”

“I’m here, you’re here…” James trailed off. “You think we’ll be okay?”

“Individually? Who knows. Together? Who knows? But… trying and all. If we try, maybe.”

“I’ll try,” James said, and there was more conviction in it now. Inexorable sincerity in the agreement.

“Pink promise?” Regulus asked.

For a second, James just stared. And then he laughed, the sound dancing away on the wind. He turned fully towards Regulus, away from the water as he held out his pinky. “Pinky promise,” he agreed.

Regulus reached out. The movement seemed to last an eternity as their fingers hooked together. James’ hand was warm and solid despite the slight chill in the air. “Pinky promise,” Regulus echoed, his words barely louder than a breath.

The new promise carried weight. Their relationship standing on the foundation of something new, bound by the contact in a way that should have been juvenile, but felt so much larger.

Neither of them let go for a long time.

__

Regulus fell asleep on the ride home. James just turned down the radio and let him sleep, comforted by the presence at his side.

They spent the rest of the day in a strange peace, and James savored it, feeling like this was something he’d been missing for a long time. Some of their conversations were serious, others were inconsequential and silly as they learned little things about each other they didn’t already know. Regulus hated movies, but still loved to read. James had continued to read after picking it up to kill time in juvie, but their taste in books differed dramatically. Regulus didn’t like sugary drinks and didn’t believe in anything aside from water, tea, and coffee, while James often treated himself to sweet drinks like they were desserts. They had different tastes in music and entertainment, in pretty much everything. They were so different, yet they seemed to share something more that mattered. Something that made the differences feel suitable to James.

James felt like he really, truly knew Regulus by the time they left for Sirius and Remus’. Knew things beyond the intrinsic tie between them. The little things.

When they stepped into Sirius’ place together, the man did a double take. “Oh, did you both get here at the same time?”

James looked to Regulus, unsure what he wanted to tell his brother. Of course, Regulus went with the truth. “We came here together.”

“Did you?” Sirius eyebrows shot up.

“Yes, no more trying to kill each other,” Regulus shrugged.

James frowned in the process of taking off his shoes. “I thought I said it’d be counterproductive of me to kill you?”

“And that doesn’t mean you weren’t trying,” Regulus muttered. “Premeditated or not.”

James just continued to frown, and Regulus flicked him in the face, causing him to draw back. “Hey,” James complained.

Sirius was watching the scene in a mix of confusion and shock, and Remus reached out to squeeze his shoulder. “Lily and Mary are here,” he said, ignoring the obvious shift in James and Regulus’ dynamic. “Dinner is ready. Sirius had been complaining he’s starving for ages, so please let’s eat so I can be put out of my misery.”

Sirius had enough presence of mind to scoff in offense, but he didn’t get a word in as Lily and Mary came in to greet them, unaware that anything was going on.

Dinner was pleasant, and James couldn’t help but note how different everything was from just a year ago. All of his friends knew his secrets, but they didn’t look at him any differently. Even after his breakdown on Saturday, no one was treating James like he was about to shatter.

After they ate, they all moved to the living room while Lily discussed the book she was in the process of writing. It’d always been her dream to publish a book, and finally, she’d decided to give it a try.

“It’s just hard,” she was complaining. “How do you even describe being in love without it sounding cheesy? I mean, I want to write romance, but I don’t want it to feel cheap. But I don’t know how to possibly put it into words.”

“You’re in love,” Remus pointed out, gesturing between Mary and Lily. “Surely you can pull from experience.”

“Yes, I’ve tried. It’s just a little hard to pinpoint. Or I suppose, to explain without sounding insane. Either I’m crazily in love, or romance books usually water down what it feels like. Maybe I should get you all to explain what it feels like to you,” she mused. “Then I can try to use that to capture the feeling.”

“I’d be happy to help,” Remus agreed, shooting Sirius a fond smile.

“Me too!” Sirius said excitably. “Anything for our future author. I mean, I’m not as good with words. But I can try.”

“My saviors,” Lily pressed a hand to her chest. She turned to Regulus, clearly trying to include him in the conversation since he’d been silent. “What about you Regulus? You strike me as the type who’s good with words. Have you ever been in love?”

Regulus paused. He seemed surprised to be addressed for a second, and then he shook his head. “No. I don’t think I’d be any help. I wouldn’t even know what it felt like, probably couldn’t recognize it.”

Sirius made a strange noise at that, and Remus reached out to poke him threateningly in the cheek. Lily seemed to miss this exchange as she leaned back with a sigh. “It’s like… like your whole body wants to shatter apart for another person,” she mused. “Like the sun rises and falls with them. You love everything they do, even the things that bug you. Like never picking up their shoes.” She shot Mary a fake angry look. “But little things are outweighed by that feeling in your chest.”

“In your chest?” Regulus asked, a small frown painting his face.

“Yes, that’s the part that’s so hard to describe.” Lily shook her head. “Being in love is kind of like… you look at someone and the intensity of what you feel for them is so big it’s blooming in your chest and trying to…”

“To rip free,” Regulus finished, his voice faint.

James’ head jerked towards Regulus, the words nagging at something familiar.

“Exactly,” Lily nodded. “You sure you haven’t been in love? Maybe you’d be a better writer than me.”

“I’m—” Regulus broke off. He was just sitting there, staring at nothing, some realization James didn’t understand in his face.

Sirius sat forward on the sofa, sending Remus a panicked look. “Reg?”

“What?” Lily asked, noticing the sudden tension.

“Need some air,” Regulus choked out, he stumbled to his feet, heading towards the door and slamming it behind him.

“Is he okay?” Lily asked worriedly.

A beat passed, and then Sirius was rising as well. “Shit,” he muttered to himself as he followed Regulus outside, closing the door behind him only marginally softer than Regulus had.

Remus stared after them with a heavy look. James straightened, feeling anxious as he wasn’t sure what had just happened. “Remus?” James questioned, his voice small. “What’s going on?”

“Just… give them a minute,” Remus said reassuringly.

James wondered if this had to do with the someone Regulus had spoken of, whatever had happened after juvie. Sirius would take good care of Regulus, James knew that, but he felt itchy and unsettled as Remus changed the topic.

James wasn’t sure what he was missing this time.

__

Regulus’ breath came out in shallow gasps as he leaned against the wall of the building struggling to breathe.

“Regulus?” There was the crunch of footsteps as Regulus crouched down, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes until he saw stars.

“Reggie.” Sirius was kneeling down beside him, the heat of his body close, even as he hesitated to touch Regulus.

“No,” Regulus choked. “No, no, no, no.”

“You figured it out?” Sirius whispered.

“No!” Regulus jerked his head up, vision blurry with unshed tears as he pushed violently at Sirius.

Sirius stood his ground against the force but held his hands up to show he wasn’t going to touch Regulus.

“Hey, I know this must be confusing and shocking—”

“You don’t know!” Regulus said furiously. “You have no idea! You- you don’t—” Regulus lost his grasp on his words, letting out a pained sob. He collapsed from his teetering crouch, back hitting the wall as he couldn’t keep his balance.

“Okay,” Sirius conceded softly. “I don’t know. Do you want me to back off? I’m not leaving you alone right now, but I can go wait further away if you need a minute.”

“I- I need…” Regulus rasped.

“That’s fine. I’m going to go sit over there. Breathe, I’m right here if you need anything.” Regulus couldn’t breathe, he couldn’t think, he couldn’t fathom this horrifying possibility.

He covered his face with his hands, fighting for every exhale as Sirius retreated a few feet away.

A pinky promise, the flash of James’ smile, the warmth of his eyes. The way Regulus’ chest wanted to implode with the force of it—

No. No, no, no. It couldn’t be. It…

It couldn’t.

Not when there was still a hand on his throat and the memory of bruises long gone on his skin.

Regulus wasn’t sure how long he sat there fighting to breathe while waves of panic washed over him. The night was cold, Regulus felt alone.

Sirius, a voice whispered. Regulus’ fingers stretched out, he could barely get out Sirius’ name, but his brother seemed to know somehow. He was there in an instant, sitting down next to Regulus.

“Can I touch you?”

Regulus nodded numbly, and Sirius wrapped an arm around Regulus’ shoulder, pulling him close.

It took a while for Regulus to find the ability to speak. Sirius just waited.

“Y-you knew?”

There was a pause. “What it meant?” Sirius asked. “I suspected, but I didn’t think you were ready to acknowledge it, and it wasn’t right to force you into that realization.”

“I can’t,” Regulus rasped. “Sirius, I can’t.” 

“Why?” Sirius asked simply. “I don’t know what happened, but you came here together tonight. You didn’t ignore each other, you didn’t fight. Clearly, something has changed. So why not? Will you tell me why?”

“It never fucking dies!” Regulus said, his voice rising. Sirius didn’t flinch at the sudden volume, he just held Regulus close. “That’s why! Because I’m ruined, because he took every part of me and shredded it. And I didn’t even want it, I didn’t want to allow it! But he made me weak! He ruined me and I can never undo it and his hand never comes off my throat and if I think about it, it tries to kill me all over again! What do I do when it’s someone I do want? W-what does it mean if I allow it, what pieces of me will I lose? Sirius,” Regulus’ voice cracked, “I don’t have many pieces left to lose. I… just can’t.”

Sirius was silent for a long moment, his hand tracing gentle circles on Regulus’ arm. “I wager this ‘he’ is not James?”

“No.” Regulus squeezed his eyes shut, unable to swallow with the heavy knot in his throat.

“Okay. Still something you can’t talk about?”

“Not right now,” Regulus mumbled. “I thought… I was thinking about it. I could. Soon, maybe. But not now.”

“That’s fine,” Sirius breathed. “You don’t need to but just… You know James, you know whatever is between you better than I do. So you think about it, and think about if it’s anything like what’s happened to you in the past. Even if you can’t do it, I’m not saying you can or should. I’m saying James is not anyone else but James Potter.”

Regulus had refuted James’ claim earlier in the day. “I’ve never had violence for you.”

It was true, however. The warmth of James’ hand on the back of his neck, always calling him back. Warm, steady, never pressing too hard. Never anything but gentle. So contrasting from the sharp string of nails on his throat.

“You love him,” Sirius said simply when Regulus didn’t respond. “And whether you realized it or not, I think you have for a long time. A part of you already knew you did. So does this change anything? If the feeling was already there? Does naming it make it any different?”

“Yes,” Regulus lifted his head, blinking away tears. “What if he wants to love me back?” Regulus asked, his voice distraught.

“Reggie, he already does.”

Regulus shook his head agitatedly. “He can’t—”

“He does,” Sirius said firmly. “I already knew you were in love with him. I was right. And I know he’s in love with you too. You know he said the exact same thing as you? That he didn’t know why it all mattered, what it meant. You’re both so unfamiliar with the concept you didn’t recognize it, but he loves you, Regulus. So knowing what to call it, what does that change?”

“I- I wanted him to prove that I’m capable of being loved.” Regulus’ voice shook. “If he falls short, if he disappoints me, it’ll kill me.”

“He doesn’t have to prove it, because he already does,” Sirius stressed again. “You are capable of being loved, you don’t need anyone to prove it. I love you. James loves you. Hell, I may not know Barty well, but I’m pretty sure he loves you too. A lot of people love you. You’ve always been capable of being loved, you just weren’t around the people who did. But you are now. You’re a perfectly loveable person, so don’t use James as proof. Just accept it.”

“You can’t know he loves me,” Regulus sniffed. “You can’t know that for sure.”

“I can’t, but you can. So think about the facts, examine them, and then decide.”

Regulus couldn’t formulate a response, and he just closed his eyes. They sat there for a long time until Regulus had the strength to straighten, lifting his head from Sirius’ shoulder. He felt heavy, weighted, angry.

Rage burned alongside the grief and sorrow. How dare he get to ruin Regulus like this, linger this long. It wasn’t fair, he didn’t deserve that right.

“Can you drive me home?” Regulus whispered. “James drove here.”

Sirius didn’t question that. “Of course. I’m coming with you.”

“You… Sirius, you don’t have to.”

“I’m coming with you,” Sirius repeated firmly. “Come on, let’s go.”

Sirius rose to his feet, offering Regulus a hand.

Regulus took it.

__

Sirius stayed with Regulus that night. Regulus just stared at the ceiling, trying to put every piece together.

It was five a.m. by the time Regulus even managed to think the words. I’m in love with James.

It both made sense and made their relationship that much more terrible. Because Regulus had already given so much, what if he gave more? What if he lost himself to it? He tried so hard to hold onto any of the pieces of himself that were left. Loving James gave him the power to take. Loving James meant Regulus might do desperate, shameful things.

Haven’t you already? Something uncomfortable whispered. And what did he do?

He said I didn’t owe him anything.

“I’ve never had violence for you.”

He came first, is it fair to assign him another man’s crimes? Is it fair when he looked at you in a way that didn’t exist in the after? In a way that kept you living through the after, holding on like he could save you.

He can’t save you.

(But he might love you. Sirius says he loves you.)

Regulus couldn’t lay there in the darkness anymore. He abruptly rose from bed, heading down the hall. He wasn’t sure if he was surprised or not to see Sirius sitting at the table, staring out at nothing particular.

He turned his head at the sound of Regulus’ footsteps, nodding to him. Regulus made his way over on careful feet, sitting down next to his brother.

“I’m ready,” Regulus whispered. “I’m ready to tell you those things I couldn’t before.”

“Are you?” Sirius asked gently.

“I- I don’t know, but I want to try… I can’t—” Regulus voice became choked and it took a lot to force out the rest of the words. “I don’t want to let him have that power anymore.”

“If you want to stop, you can,” Sirius murmured, reaching out to squeeze Regulus’ hand.

Regulus nodded numbly. Silence followed, and it took a long time and an immeasurable amount of deep breaths before he could even begin. But he did.

For the first time ever, Regulus told the story. It was jumbled and out of order, Regulus kept choking up and breaking off, needing to put his head to the table and let the cool wood on his forehead remind him where he was. There was a hand around his throat, and then there was Sirius. His hand still holding Regulus’ between his own, gentle and warm.

He didn’t speak or ask questions, just let Regulus speak until it was all too much and words wouldn’t come anymore. There were a lot of gaps, a lot of missing pieces and details, but Sirius didn’t press for them, he didn’t speak when it was clear Regulus couldn’t continue.

Regulus thought maybe Sirius would ask questions, but he didn’t. He just moved to kneel in front of Regulus’ chair, pulling him down to wrap his arms in a tight hug. Regulus pressed his face into Sirius’ shoulder and he sobbed, but he lived through it. He’d said it aloud, and no skeletons burst from the closet, brandishing their cruelty like a weapon. Regulus was still here, the world was still turning. And he wasn’t sure it was possible, but for once he hoped.

He hoped this was something that would die.

Regulus wanted to raise his own blade and cut it down, cut it out, until it would stop ruining him. But weapons and knives felt far away in Sirius’ firm hug. Sirius was crying too, if his sniffle was any indication, but he didn’t demand anything from Regulus. He just held him close, and even the lick of flames couldn’t overshadow the warmth of Sirius Black’s love.

__

James still didn’t know what had happened. He hadn’t heard from Regulus in days, and by the time Friday came, James couldn’t stop himself from asking.

[James]

Is Regulus okay?

[Sirius]

sorry James

i love you but this isn’t my shit to tell

just hold on k?

I think he’ll come to you when he’s ready

James didn’t know what that meant, but he knew some bruises needed time to heal before you poked them. He settled for swallowing down his questions and anxiety.

Friday passed, Saturday arrived. The days were passing by, and with each one, James got closer to the tenth anniversary of leaving Mayfield Juvenile Detention Center. The knowledge put a lot of heavy and complicated feelings in James’ chest.

On Saturday, the approaching date was so overwhelming that the only time James got out of bed that day was to retch over the toilet.

Ten years and what had he done? What had he gained?

The anger was still there, and James didn’t know he survived the day without putting his fist through a wall or dragging his nails over the skin of his wrist. It was an almost unstoppable urge, bubbling over inside of him, turning over in his gut until James felt raw and shaken. It took every bit of self-control he had to wrap himself in his blankets and not move until he was sure he could get up without hurting himself.

Sunday came. James’ knuckles bore no new bruises, his skin was unmarked.

When he woke, he sat there in a numb haze as he looked down at his hands and he realized… for the first time ever, James hadn’t hurt himself in any way.

Over the years he’d gotten good at constructing the illusion that these little things weren’t self-harm. Punching a wall was just expelling anger, digging in his nails was just grounding himself, putting himself in dangerous situations was just impulse control.

Regulus was right, you never stopped.

But on Sunday, James woke up, and he hadn’t hurt himself in even the most minor way.

What had he gained in ten years?

On Sunday night, James opened his laptop, swallowing bile as he typed into the search bar. On Monday during his lunch break, he used the same shaky resolve that had gotten him through Saturday to dial the number he’d written down.

On Tuesday, Sirius and Remus came over. Instead of asking about Regulus like he wanted to, James looked at his friends, fists clenched.

“What’s up?” Sirius questioned, pausing as he was about to take a bite of his dinner. “You don’t look well.”

“I- I just wanted to tell you something,” James said hoarsely.

“Yes?” Sirius asked with a concerned frown.

James swallowed, tugging at his sleeves out of habit. “I did what you suggested.” The last part came out barely loud enough to be heard. “I booked an appointment with a therapist.”

At first James wondered if Sirius and Remus had heard him because there were no shocked looks or eyebrows shooting up. But then Sirius smiled, and Remus stood suddenly to grab James by the face and kiss him on the forehead in a grand sign of affection that usually Sirius was the one to express. James blinked at his friend in surprise, and Remus pulled back with a gentle smile. “I am so fucking proud of you, James.”

Then Sirius was up as well, pulling both Remus and James into a group hug. James was startled by his own laugh, but it didn’t hurt on its way out.

What did he gain in ten years?

Sirius, Remus, Peter, Lily, Mary, Marlene. Regulus?

Regulus.

“I can’t promise I’ll stick with it,” James admitted when they finally broke apart. “But… I don’t want to live like this anymore. I can’t. It’ll kill me one day, and I don’t want to die. I really… I don’t want to.”

It was the truth, it’d been the truth for a while now, James thought. But there was always so much comfort in the thought that he had a way out. That if push came to shove, he could leave it all behind. But James had everything he’d wanted at sixteen. He didn’t want to leave it behind, even if he wasn’t sure it would ever make up for anything.

It didn’t. It undid nothing, but then logically… didn’t that mean that the past couldn’t undo this either? That both things existed, and neither could take away from the other?

But this was good, James’ life was good, and if there was any chance it was possible… James wanted to be able to be happy in it.

“But you’re trying,” Sirius said firmly. “That’s the first step, the rest you can worry about later. As Remus said, I’m incredibly proud of you too. I love you so much and I don’t think I always properly express how much you have brought into my life. But you changed it, James. You showed me unconditional love, and I hope you have it through your head by now, that it goes both ways. No conditions, no rules. I love you any and every way. You’re my best friend.”

“I love you guys,” James sniffed. “A year ago… I- I really thought you’d never accept me as I am. I thought you’d pity me or hate me, but you didn’t. I don’t really know what to do with that… but I love you. You have no idea… I didn’t have a whole lot before I met you, and you gave me something. I don’t always understand your love, but I want it and… I’m trying,” James finished weakly.

“You’re trying,” Sirius agreed. “I’m glad.”

“I- I promised Regulus,” James admitted. “I promised I’d try. But it’s not just because of the promise, I wouldn’t have promised if I didn’t want to. If I hadn’t wanted to change things for a long time.”

There was a sad yet still soft smile on Sirius’ face as he squeezed James’ shoulder. “Between you and me, I think Regulus is trying too.”

“Is he?” James asked, in surprise.

“Yes,” was all Sirius said. “Let him come to you, okay?”

James still didn’t know what it was or what Sirius knew, but he didn’t ask. James knew Regulus, and so did Sirius. If he thought his brother needed time, James would listen.

Regulus was slow to come to his realizations and slow to act at times. But James could wait. It felt important to wait.

James had his first therapy appointment on a Wednesday.

The doctor was younger than Dr. Pomfrey had been, and something about her set James at ease as soon as he sat down. It didn’t stop his nerves or make him more comfortable, but something about her not sharing any similarities with his old counselor helped.

“Dr. Vance,” she greeted, shaking his hand with an easy smile. “You can call me Emmeline if you want, it’s completely up to you. Whatever you’re most comfortable with.”

She couldn’t have been much older than James with long black hair that was held back at her neck and kind eyes that weren’t scrutinizing or prickly.

James tensed for her questions, but she didn’t press anything. Mostly she asked James about work, his life, and his friends. In fact, she let him spend most of their first session just talking about his friends, nodding along as he told her about Sirius and how they’d met in college and been best friends ever since.

The only hard question was when she asked if he’d done therapy before. It took him a long time to force out the answer, but she waited calmly in a way that made James feel like he could spend the rest of the session in complete silence if he wanted and she wouldn’t mind.

The clock ticked and finally James managed to say, “Yes. In juvie when I was a teenager, and my foster parents put me in for a year after I got out” he admitted. “It was… I hated it. It didn’t help.”

“Can I ask what it was about it you disliked it?”

“That… I was forced I guess?” James said hesitantly. “They were always trying to push me, ask all these things I didn’t want to talk about.”

“And this time, you weren’t forced, it was a choice you made for yourself?”

“Yes,” James whispered. “I don’t know if it’ll help, if it can…”

“Well, just know that we go at your pace, James. I won’t push you on anything before you’re ready.”

“Isn’t that counterproductive?”

“Not at all. The priority as that you’re comfortable here and trust me. That takes time to build. There’s no expiration date or deadline for therapy. You can come in here and tell me about nothing but your workday or the books you’re reading. Whatever you want to talk about, that’s what I’m here for. You can talk about whatever you want whenever you’re ready.”

“That… doesn’t sound so bad,” James admitted.

Dr. Vance (Emmeline? James wasn’t sure if he was okay with calling her by her first name.), just smiled and it was so warm and unjudging, that James thought… maybe this really wouldn’t be so terrible.

With their time almost up, they set up their session as a weekly occurrence and Dr. Vance assured him that if he needed to change it or ever needed to reach her outside those times he could always call.

James didn’t leave feeling lighter exactly. He still wasn’t sure about this, but he wasn’t filled with the same dread he’d felt in the waiting room an hour earlier.

On Friday, James was drifting off on his sofa after work when there was a knock on his door. At first, he thought it was Remus or Peter. It couldn’t be Sirius, because he rarely knocked, preferring to just let himself in.

Rubbing at his eyes, James stumbled for the door pulling it open.

The clutches of sleep left him instantly as he registered Regulus Black standing in the doorway. James didn’t know what to say, so he just stepped back to let Regulus in, shutting the door behind him.

Regulus stepped past James, stopping behind him. He turned to face Regulus, and they just stared at each other.

He looked okay. There were shadows under his eyes, but the look he wore wasn’t too dark or unbearably pained despite the serious line of his mouth.

“Sorry for disappearing,” Regulus said quietly.

“It’s okay,” James said instantly. “I don’t know what was going on, but I trust you. And Sirius said you’d come to me when you were ready.”

Regulus nodded wordlessly, apparently not ready to tell James what had happened yet. “How have you been?” Regulus asked after a moment.

“Okay,” James shrugged, and it felt like the truth. “I- I started therapy this week.”

Regulus’ eyebrows shot up. “You’re fucking joking.”

“You’d think,” James said, surprising himself with his own chuckle. “But no, I’m not joking. I did. It’s… I don’t love it, but it isn’t that bad so far.”

“I thought you hated therapy.”

“I did, but this doctor is different and I kind of like her. Plus… we pinky promised, remember? That’s a very binding thing. So… I’m trying.”

Regulus softened, his brow furrowing. “I’m trying too,” he whispered.

“I know,” James said simply. “You’re here.”

He didn’t ask why Regulus was here. If he’d come, he planned to tell James. He was willing to wait however long it took for Regulus to explain.

“Want to sit?” James nodded to the living room.

Regulus agreed, following James to the sofa. They each took a side. Minutes ticked by in silence, Regulus’ hands found a loose thread, tugging at it absently. James watched for a long minute. And then, without really thinking about it, he crawled to the other side of the sofa, covering Regulus’ hand with his own. Regulus paused in surprise, his fingers stilling. James just gently unclenched Regulus’ fist, using his other hand to pull at the thread until it came loose and letting it fall to the floor.

“You’re going to ruin your sofa, you should have cut it,” Regulus murmured. James’ hand was still on Regulus’. They were close, Regulus leaning back against the armrest to look up at James who leaned over him. They shared a breath between them.

“Maybe, but I can always buy a new one. It’s just one thread.”

“I suppose,” Regulus said quietly.

James slowly lifted Regulus’ hand, and he just watched as James turned it over before twining their fingers together and leaning back resting his head against the side of the sofa. Regulus didn’t pull away, and their hands remained a point of contact between them.

“This is harder to say than I thought it’d be,” Regulus murmured, looking down at their fingers. Slowly he adjusted their grip, running his thumb over James’ knuckles. The bruises were gone now, only a small scab remained, and Regulus traced it like this was natural.

“I don’t have anywhere to be,” James said, letting his eyes fall shut.

It was a long time before Regulus seemed to decide on the words.

“I told you I dreamed of you,” Regulus said.

James blinked his eyes open, focusing on the lines of Regulus’ face, the way he couldn’t meet James’ eyes.

“I remember.”

“I didn’t give you many details. I convinced myself I didn’t remember it clearly because that was easier than acknowledging it.”

“Do you want to tell me what you dreamed?” James asked, giving Regulus the room to deny.

“I… I told you I never liked you.”

James could have reacted to the words, but he knew Regulus well enough to know there was more to the statement, so he just waited.

“You asked me if I liked you the way that you were. I said I didn’t, that wasn’t what it was.”

“Then what was it?” James whispered.

Regulus swallowed, he inhaled sharply, his fingers squeezing around James’ hand. “I loved you the way that you were.”

The world paused. Time ceased to exist.

“You loved me?” James heard himself ask as if he was listening to another person speak.

Cracked, splintering between them as everything came down. Pieces slotting into place.

I didn’t know what it meant. He didn’t know what it meant but… he knows. I know.

I know?

“I loved you.” Regulus choked on the words like they word hurt to force out. “I…”

“You what?” James barely dared to ask, his heart pounding loudly enough that he thought Regulus might be able to hear it.

“Do.”

“You do?”

“I love you the way you are. Still. Maybe always. I’d love you any way and any version of you. And you spoke about other lives, being someone different, I’d probably love you in all of them. I think I must. Because this is too big to be anything else.”

“You… love me,” James repeated. “Like, you care kind of love? Like you love Sirius or—”

“Like I’m in love with you,” Regulus blurted out, his shoulders tense as he couldn’t make himself meet James’ eyes. He stiffened like he expected James to let go of his hand. He didn’t. He just paused, trying to stop the world from spinning.

It should have been groundbreaking, shattering, but instead… it just clicked.

It all clicked. What Lily had said, how Regulus had finished her sentence. Love, so big it tries to rip out of your ribs. Love?

Love.

“I’m in love with you.”

Regulus is in love with me?

“I don’t expect anything,” Regulus said quickly. “I don’t. I just needed to tell you. It took me so long to realize, and when I did, I panicked because… because my past was on my heels and there’s skeletons in my closet. In every fucking corner and place I turn. But Sirius says you’re in love with me too. I don’t know if it’s true, it’s okay if it’s not—”

“Regulus.”

Regulus broke off at James’ interruption, tense as he waited for James’ response.

“Regulus,” James whispered, part pleading, part… wonder. This was Regulus, Regulus Black whom James felt the universe had carved out space inside his soul for. Regulus who said he cared so much he felt like it was trying to break out from his insides. It wasn’t just care, that feeling, that intensity that James understood, because he’d felt the exact same way. It was love. And if that was love, then…

Then James was in love with Regulus too.

It made an alarming amount of sense. Of course. Of course he was.

“Can you look at me?” James whispered.

Slowly, Regulus raised his head. His eyes were wide and fearful, his forehead scrunched as he waited for James to speak. James thought of the cigarette they’d shared, the comfort of an indirect sort of kiss. He wondered what it’d feel like to press his lips directly to Regulus’. Would it be easy and soft? Would the shared fire come out between them? Would James like it?

He was pretty sure he’d like it.

James didn’t kiss him, it wasn’t the right moment, there was still things to say, and Regulus was still waiting nervously. Instead, James used his free hand to brush a thumb over the crease in Regulus’ brow, smoothing it out while Regulus just blinked in surprise.

“James?” Regulus asked, his voice small.

“Sirius is right.”

Regulus stilled as James brushed his hand up, tucking one of Regulus’ curls behind his ear.

“Say it,” Regulus demanded weakly. Like he half expected James to take it back, to change his mind.

“I’m in love with you too.”

“I—” Regulus seemed unfairly shocked by the words. James wished he wasn’t, but he didn’t think that surprise had much to do with James himself, but rather the life Regulus had lived. “Say it again.”

James leaned forward, whispering the words like a promise, his breath on Regulus’ skin. “I’m in love with you.”

“Again?”

“I’m in love with you—”

“I’m not easy to love.” Like Regulus was trying to convince James otherwise, make sure he understood what he was signing up for.

James already knew. Had already loved Regulus a long time. He couldn’t pinpoint when now that he recognized what that feeling was. Maybe it’d been always, from the first meeting of their eyes. Maybe it’d been that nod Regulus sent him after the fight with Brian Cox. Maybe it’s been the first pinky promise. Maybe… it didn’t matter, because it was true, and James wasn’t sure there was any distinction between his soul and Regulus’ at all as it expanded in his chest.

“That can’t be true, because I already loved you. I did before and I did after, and I did even when I couldn’t face it or look at you.”

“I’m not easy to swallow,” Regulus protested weakly. “You don’t know the things that have happened to me.”

“I’m not easy to swallow either,” James said firmly. “But here we are. And you can tell me what happened if you want. If not, that’s okay too. It doesn’t change anything.”

“But you don’t know yet,” Regulus argued.

James just waited. Regulus would tell him if he wanted to. There was so close, the night was dark outside, but Regulus was warm, the space between them minuscule and sacred as neither of them crossed it yet.

“I can’t tell it all, not yet. Not the details,” Regulus said shakily. “I told Sirius. I told him almost everything, and I think it almost killed me. But here we are. I’m still breathing.”

 “You are.”

Regulus swallowed. He lifted their joined hands, pressing James’ hand to his chest. His heart beat under James’ fingers, a little fast, but steady and alive.

“His name is Tom…” Regulus said eventually, choking it out like it pained him to say aloud. James kept his hand over Regulus’ heart. “I met him after juvie. I was bad into drugs, he ran a drug empire. I didn’t… I didn’t even like him. He was older, cold, hard. But I liked drugs, and he had unlimited access to it. I- he…” Regulus exhaled sharply. “Funnily, he never touched them, I guess people who sell them usually don’t. But he kept me pumped full of them. Kept me under his control. That’s where I met Barty. He was one of Tom’s dealers. Now, I’m not even sure how long it was. I had no life, no freedom, nothing,” Regulus’ voice cracked. “He hurt me, in every sense of the word. In ways I can’t even think about now or I’ll lose my grip. It’s something that never dies, that never goes away, one of those things you might live past but… but it never passes. Never stops dragging me down. He ruined me, carved out anything real inside of me. Left me hollowed out and shattered. He didn’t even give a fuck about me, I wasn’t even worth chasing after when I got clean and Barty and I ran. He just liked to take things and ruin them. To let me go free knowing he’d already made his mark, and I’d never recover from it. So… love? It’s not something I understand, being in love. Realizing I loved you sent me spiraling, because what if you touch me and I’m back there? I’m not even sure I could ever have sex again,” Regulus said, with a laugh that was so pained it was barbed wire around James’ heart. “So I’m just warning you. I’m making sure you know what it means if I’m in love with you and you’re in love with me. There are things I may never give you.”

James wanted to take a minute to formulate the perfect response, but he didn’t want to make Regulus wait when there was so much fear and pain in his dark eyes.

“Don’t give me anything,” James whispered. “You’ve given me enough. We were clear, there’s nothing owed, there’s no score, no debts. There’s nothing I expect from you. You could leave today, and we can acknowledge this and never touch it again. I can love you for the rest of my life, and nothing can change. We can be whatever we are and what we were. I don’t want anything.”

“You can’t mean that,” Regulus whispered. “What if I let you kiss me? What if I let you but I never let you closer than that? Wouldn’t you want more?”

“Regulus,” James whispered. “If you say I can never touch you, I’d love you just as much. I never needed to touch you for that. I never did before. If you let me kiss you, I’d cherish just that. And if you didn’t, I’d still cherish every other part. If you never even offered me so much as a pinky promise again, I’d be perfectly content. If you think sex is a problem, I assure you it is not. I- Regulus… I’ve only had sex once,” James admitted self-consciously. “Which might be embarrassing considering my age, but… it’s— I’m covered in scars that I could never stomach anyone seeing and the one time I forced myself for the sake of being normal, I felt sick for weeks. If I told you I could never stomach it, would that be a problem for you?”

“No,” Regulus said instantly. “No, it wouldn’t at all. Of course, it wouldn’t.”

“Then why should it be different for me? Why would I expect something from you that you don’t expect from me? You’re not hard to swallow. Life is hard to swallow, and you’re one of the few things that’s always sat inside of my organs anyway. My one good thing, right? One of my favorites today, at least.”

Regulus’ eyes were glassy, he looked like he might cry, but he didn’t. His heart was beating under James’ hands, so alive and real. “My favorite,” Regulus whispered. An agreement, an echo.

“No more giving. We’re equal, we share things, not… give.”

This time a tear did escape, but that was okay, because at some point James had started crying too. Regulus raised a hand, hovering over James’ face. “Okay?” he asked.

“Yes, if you want to.”

Regulus nodded, wiping the tears from James’ face with gentle hands.

“And if I said you could kiss me?”

“I’d say yes to that too. Is it a yes for you?”

“Yes,” Regulus whispered, his hand resting on James’ cheek.

“Then say it.”

“You can kiss me,” and there was no uncertainty in his voice. James didn’t move yet, letting it settle between them. “Can you say the thing again?” Regulus asked in a small voice.

James’ lips twitched in a small smile. He leaned forward, not touching their lips together, just breathing in Regulus’ exhale. Whispering the words into his mouth. “I’m in love with you.”

Regulus blinked up at him, only an inch between them. “I’m in love with you.” He tilted his chin up in permission, and as slow as possible, James leaned in.

Their lips brushed, barely even a kiss. Just the meeting of their hearts, the rejoicing as their twin souls found each other. For a second, neither of them moved, and then Regulus was pressing forward.

A proper kiss, sweet and soft, every moment leading up to this falling away. Regulus tasted like cigarettes, coffee, and something so unbearably perfect. His hand tightened on James’ cheek, cupping his face, and his heart was beating wildly. When James pulled back, he felt dizzy and overwhelmed, resting his forehead against Regulus’ as he laughed softly.

Then Regulus was laughing too, the sound musical and soft.

“We’re sharing? No more giving?” Regulus asked, a breathless question.

And thought coherent thought was far away. Somewhere, James was aware of the stars outside the window. He didn’t need to count them, there was more than enough light in Regulus’ dark eyes.

James was eight and sixteen and eighteen and everything that had come after. He was damaged, but okay in the moment.

Maybe some things never passed, but Regulus was right as he always was.

Easier and better were not the same thing. This had not been easy, getting to this point did not erase what came before. But if this didn’t undo the past, then the past couldn’t undo this either—the better.

“Sharing,” James agreed. “Pinky promise.” His hand left Regulus’ heart to hook their pinkies together.

This promise, unlike the others, was sealed with a kiss.