Chapter Text
Nick didn’t know how to feel. He was trying to be strong for Isaac, but with every step up the carpeted stairs, the more he wanted to tear back down them and see he was okay again.
The sight after walking into that bathroom was burned into his mind. Not the blood on the stained tile or the blade on the counter, but his eyes. The lifeless and pained look in his eyes that screamed at Nick for help. Nick would do anything to take his pain away, to be the one bleeding out in agony instead, but he wasn’t and he couldn’t. He had to be strong.
So he trudged up the stairs, trying to decide who to tell first or even how. Thankfully, or maybe not, Yumi, Larry, and Grunk were sat in the loft together, not talking, just on their phones in each other’s company. As Nick cleared the last step, he took a deep breath before stepping into their line of sight in the room.
Larry looked up and nodded, giving a “Wussup?” to Nick.
Nick swallowed the lump in his throat and tried to sound as confident as possible while saying, “Umm, okay, so, something kind of bad happened and we need to have a house meeting. Like right now.”
Without looking up from his phone, Yumi gave a snarky, “What? Did Isaac leave month-old leftovers in the fridge again, that lazy fuck?”
Nick didn’t know how to respond. So he didn’t. He just looked at Yumi. Be strong.
Once Yumi registered the silence, he glanced up, looking at Nick before double-taking and reading his expression. He looked like he was going to either fight someone or throw up or probably the most likely outcome, start bawling his eyes out. He looked like he was going to keel over in tears and create a whole new ocean in the middle of the house. He looked like he was barely hanging on and like his world just fell apart.
“Sorry. What happened?” he said, apologizing for his previous statement and asked in a concerned tone, ready to jump up and catch a crying man.
As much as Yumi acted like he didn’t give a fuck about anyone other than himself, he owed his whole existence to his friends and roommates. They’d done everything for him and he would do it all tenfold for them. He’s been around them long enough to know when something was up and when it was time to put the act away and be serious. He could look into Nick’s eyes and immediately see that it was that time.
At his question, Nick just stared again and Yumi knew this was bad. Almost simultaneously, Larry and Grunk looked up, Larry to Yumi and Grunk to Nick. Larry and Yumi made eye contact and upon seeing the serious expression on the older, Larry immediately turned his phone off and set it down. He looked at Nick, who was still looking somewhat at Yumi and mostly into space and watched him take a deep breath.
His eyes closed and opened with a regained composure and looked at Yumi fully this time.
“It’s Isaac.”
And Yumi was up like a shot.
— – – – – – —
Tanner’s hand was brushing small shapes into Isaac’s thigh, occasionally tracing his spider tattoo in an attempt to keep Isaac calm and distracted. He could hear the faint muttering of voices upstairs, followed by moments of silence, disturbed by more low sounds.
Eventually, movement was heard and a shadow appeared at the top of the stairs. Isaac hugged his arms around his stomach, ignoring the slight pain of pressing his fresh wounds against his body, but he felt the need to hide. Tanner didn’t move to stop him, only reaching over to the arm of the couch and getting a light blanket. He tossed it open, allowing it to expand, and made sure it covered Isaac’s arms. Isaac looked at Tanner with gratitude as steps were heard coming down the stairs.
Nick appeared first, looking less composed and a bit more nervous and sad. Yumi followed, hot on Nick’s trail, eyes scanning the room and immediately locking on Isaac. Isaac felt his eyes rake over his body, stopping at the blanket. He meets his eyes again and raises a concerned eyebrow. He knows Isaac is hiding something.
He walked into the room and placed himself on the giant beanbag, allowing himself to still see Isaac.
Next was Larry, who looked at Isaac, but immediately looked away and looked at Tanner. Reading Larry’s face was hard in his current state, but he could tell he was distressed. It made him uneasy seeing his friends like this over him. And it was about to get so much worse.
Grunk was last, somehow being the most relaxed out of everyone. Still, he looked at Isaac and gave him a small, sympathetic smile before joining Yumi and now Larry at the beanbag across from the couch.
Nick sat on Isaac’s other side, looking at the broken man.
“Last chance to back out,” he said.
Isaac shook his head and dipped it to his chest, watching Tanner’s hand still tracing figures on his thigh under the blanket. Suddenly, he felt all eyes in the room on him and it made him anxious. Like they were waiting for something to happen or find a reason to kick him out. That would be easier than doing this.
Isaac sighed and raised his head, looking directly at Yumi and muttering a small, “I’m sorry.”
Tears sparked in his eyes as he spoke up to the group sitting before him.
“I don’t know what Nick told you b-but,” he stuttered before looking at Tanner, who gripped his thigh in affirmation, then back at the group before closing his eyes, “I had a bit of a-an episode earlier.”
He opened them again, looking at Yumi, who looked to be in disbelief. He knew.
“What do you mean? What happened?” Grunk asked cautiously.
Isaac took a deep breath, trying to find the courage in the air to spit it out so Nick didn’t have to.
“I tried to off myself in my bathroom.”
The room went silent. Nick placed a hand on Isaac’s back and he leaned into it, accepting the comfort. This whole situation sucked. He never would’ve done it if he knew his friends would look at him like this.
Nick had his lips pressed together and was most likely biting his tongue and trying not to break down, Isaac could tell despite his efforts. Tanner refused to make eye contact with anyone besides Isaac, still making figure eights in his skin. Grunk was studying Isaac’s mannerisms, trying to force the answers out of him nonverbally. Larry looked upset, to say the least. And Yumi looked heartbroken. Like Isaac had just kicked his childhood dog or had just called him every swear under the sun and meant it. Isaac couldn’t tell if Yumi wanted to never speak to him again or if he wanted to ask him questions until his voice gave out.
“What happened?” Larry asked on the verge of tears.
To be honest, Isaac had no idea what happened, so he was thankful that Nick chimed in.
“I don’t know what happened before I got there, but I walked in to a blade on the counter and blood everywhere.”
Silence filled the room again and Isaac wanted to leave. He wanted to vanish back into his room and curl into his bed and never see the sun again. He wanted to bash his skull in for even thinking about hurting himself, and in turn, hurting his friends. He wanted to go back in time and undo his actions. Or maybe he wanted to be successful.
Isaac couldn’t keep his eyes off Yumi, waiting for any reaction. He wanted to apologize forever and beg on his knees to be forgiven. To write him letters every day telling him that it wasn’t his fault. To go back to the way things were. But they would never be the same.
“Isaac,” Yumi finally said.
Isaac tapped back into his body and met his gaze, holding his breath for whatever was about to happen. For the yelling and the crying and the accusations, but they never came.
“What can we do to help you?”
Oh. Isaac hadn’t thought about that.
“Ummm-” Isaac started.
“-Or better, what did Nick and Tanner do that helped you?” Yumi interrupted
He thought, but the more he thought about it, the more obvious it had become. They were there. They were there with him and they were themselves. They didn’t fuss over it or make him feel stressed or guilty but gave him encouragement and reassurance to see it through. They were his best friends, and that’s all they had to be.
So that’s what Isaac said.
He sat there, surrounded by his friends, and fully realized what he was missing. He wasn’t stupid or impulsive or pathetic, but lonely. He missed his friends. Not the ones that showed up when the cameras were on, but the ones that always had his back, no matter what. The ones who loved him and let him be himself, accepting that he wasn’t perfect and never holding it against him.
The ones that showed him that life was worth living.