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Magnus looms in front of Hikaru. Perhaps he always has.
Hikaru, for as long as he can remember, has struggled and grappled and fought to merely be within his reach, him with the lazy smiles and smug eyes. If he could canalize all his pride and anger and fear, he would use it to be just once, within his reach.
Ever since Moscow. All the small injustices and indifferences that’s haunted him all his life. Hikaru wants to reach out sometimes, wants to pretend Magnus would care. Sometimes he deludes himself into thinking it was fate, fate that drew them together, therefore it was fate keeping them apart.
(But he knew different.)
Bilbao was a vindication, in the simplest of terms. Something to make him feel that he was able to reach, that the insurmountable gap was perhaps closer.
(What would Magnus say, if he tried? Hikaru doesn’t want to let himself wonder.)
The distance, the pedestal he was on was always there. (Even if he wanted to play pretend). Magnus surrounded him, crushed him, with the sheer intensity of his brillance. Blustering arrogance, calculative humility, it didn’t matter. They all fell to Magnus’ wiles eventually.
Hikaru knows that no matter what he did, or tried to do, Magnus would always be one step ahead.
He doesn’t know. He doesn’t want to know. Craving entropy from Magnus would not be accurate. He doesn’t crave chaos. He doesn’t want the spotlight. He doesn’t need the crazed nine-year olds following him like a messiah. He just craves him. Magnus. His attention, his gaze.
He wonders, if he ever became world champion, would Magnus finally look at him? Not look at him with the sheer disdain and occasionally reluctant acknowledgement as he does now, but truly see him? Past the tortured facade of pride and arrogance, would Magnus finally, finally see?
He wants Magnus to see.
But he knows different, deep down. He knows that no matter what, he’ll never be able to catch up to him.
There’s no respite or solace to be found.
(He still dreams, though, of the day when he finally wins. Then he’ll take what’s his and embrace that insufferable, beautiful man.)