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Vegas liked drunk Pete. To be fair, Vegas loved Pete in all his colors. But drunk Pete was usually a very special treat. He was a happy, clingy, and honest drunk. If Vegas didn’t think Pete was the sexiest man alive, he might have found him foolish and ridiculous when Pete was completely hammered. He might have thought that before he got to know Pete. But he tried not to think too much about that time when Pete was right under his nose and Vegas never noticed him. No need to dwell on the past as Pete often said.
So, when Pete came back home late after an evening at Hum’s bar, Vegas wasn’t all that mad to discover that Pete was drunk as a skunk.
Vegas always felt a bit relieved when Pete came back from an evening with Porsche, or anyone from the main family. He hasn’t left. Yet.
Also, Vegas couldn’t help being charmed by Pete sheepish look after stumbling loudly inside their bedroom.
“Ohhh Vegaaaas, you are up” whispered Pete with the cuteness and discretion of a baby elephant.
“Had a good time, baby?” Vegas replied with a smirk, letting down the book he was reading. This was going to be fun.
Pete giggled and flushed at the nickname. It’s been months but Pete still got flustered easily at pet names. Vegas enjoyed using them even more because of it.
“Wish you were here” Pete replied, trying to act sly but failing adorably. “Porsche and Khun Ki-” Pete started before immediately correcting himself “Porsche and Kinn fought, you would have loved it. They made it everyone’s problem, it was loud and ridiculous…” Pete kept on rambling for a while, punctuating his story with loud hiccups. “They looked like two hot peacocks fighting, it was fu-unny!” Pete finished with a burp.
Before Vegas could comment on it, Pete felt like he needed to retell the whole evening. Vegas pretended to be uninterested but was secretly endeared by Pete’s drunken ramble. Even when said ramble was about his cousin. If Pete was telling the story, Vegas was fine with it. “But anyway, they made up, obviously, and then they were disgustingly sweet for the rest of the night. You would have hated this part.”
Pete finished getting out of his clothes at the same time, throwing every item carelessly all over the floor.
“They always take sooo much space when they are together… It’s cute, but it can be exhausting sometimes. I am wayyy dumber than I thought for not having noticed them before.”
“Pete…”
“No but really. And it’s unbelievable how hot they are you know, and how well they fit together. I really did not see that coming… Porsche was kind of an ass and Kinn…” Pete interrupted himself to giggle and wink at Vegas “Hihi you see I said Kinn, I didn’t call him Khun” Pete looked proud of himself, so Vegas indulged him with a quick smile.
“Anywayyyy… Theerapanyakul genes are strooong! Ah this family… And Porsche is hot. It like makes senses them together. But not just looks y’a know? Like their… purposes… They match. They make sense together. ‘st be nice. I really am happy for them you know.”
“What?”
The ‘Must be nice’ didn’t fall on deaf ears.
“I am!”
“No, not the being happy for them part. The ‘Must be nice’ part, what do you mean?”
“You knooow!” Pete giggled earnestly. “Like they play in the same league, like they make sense you know.”
No, Vegas definitely did not know.
“Maybe because technically, they are cousins?” Pete must have been thinking that his comment was hilarious and giggled to himself again. But Vegas was not at all amused and it showed, so much that even in his state, Pete noticed.
“Come on this was f-funny! Are you pouting because I said your cousin was hot? To be fair, I said the both of them are hot. And you are too, you Theerapanyakul.”
Usually, Pete talking about Kinn or the main family in general was a sure way to rile Vegas up and Pete usually used it a bit too much when he was drunk and horny to get his way. Even if Vegas saw right through it, he still indulged him most of the time, so it worked. Vegas was a little more aggressive than usual in retaliation, and Pete even more satisfied. Win-win situation if you asked Pete. Now though, despite an almost naked Pete trying to give Vegas sultry looks and winks, Vegas didn’t have a horny cell in his body, which was an exceptionally rare occurrence.
“No. Well yes. But No. I don’t care about their stupid faces. Why did you say, ‘It must be nice’?”
Pete rolled his eyes, then frowned, the movement making him loose his balance a bit. He shrugged before replying.
“Boriiiing… I don’t know, ‘s nice to have a purpose. I don’t feel like I do. Like I make sense. I am just me.”
Vegas felt like he was stepping into dangerous waters as he responded cautiously, “And what's wrong with that?”
“S’not bad per say but just. You. You’re everything you. You are my future. But like, I am not yours. I am your pet. And you know, owners usually outlive their pet. And that’s fine. I just can’t help myself envying them a bit.” Finished Pete with another shrug.
Vegas froze at this comment. The whole ‘pet’ thing had been a sensitive topic, before having been thoroughly discussed between the two of them. The pet play and pet names have now become part of their routine, a homage to their beginning or a fucked-up way to deal with their past. Or both. But it worked. For both of them. Or at least Vegas thought so.
Also, Vegas was getting better at interpreting Pete’s reactions, his smiles, his façades. His “that’s fine” sounded incredibly sincere, without any sadness or resentment. He looked truly and genuinely happy about what he just said, which was even more concerning.
“So what? You think we have an expiration date?” Vegas couldn’t stop himself from asking, getting more and more upset. The idea of losing Pete has quickly become one of his greatest fears in life and he still expected Pete to leave him at any moments.
“Well, yeah” replied Pete, who was looking at him like this was the dumbest question in the world. He went on: “Yeah ‘cause soon you won’t need me anymore, I won’t be useful to you anymore. Now I am useful. But when I am not useful to you, there’s wouldn’t be a point of me. And I don’t want to find another use of me after you. You’re it for me. And I am so happy to be a part of your life.”
“So, what, when I don’t ‘need’ you anymore, you will just leave?”
“No silly, that’s you who’s going to be bored of me when I am useless. You won’t be needing someone like me. You will just move on to the next thing. And I need to be ok with that.”
Vegas has never wished more than at this moment to be good with feelings and emotions and to express them. He was upset and Pete acting like he was talking about the weather unsettled him. Why was Pete thinking all this? For how long has he been thinking this? Where did all this come from? Was Pete really believing that? Vegas did not deserve Pete, not the other way around. This was the dumbest shit he ever heard.
“You do know that I love you, Pete? You are the most important person in my life and-”
“Yeah yeah, now. I know you believe that, and I love you for it. But it will fade one day.” Vegas felt a pinch in his heart at the words; Pete rarely said “I love you” to Vegas so every time he did, Vegas cherished the moment. But the situation sadly made the words lose their appeal. Vegas was lost for words and didn’t know how to react to such blatant idiocy.
“That’s bullshit Pete. Stop acting stupid, what-”
Pete rolled his eyes and turned away from Vegas at that. He did that a lot this evening and it was starting to really annoy Vegas. He was getting angrier by the minute; he didn’t even know towards whom. And as much as he loved Pete, his attitude was getting on his nerves. Unfortunately, Pete would not let him finish his thoughts.
“Oh yeah that too. I don’t know why it bothers me though. I know I am far from smart but that’s still not nice to say. Maybe that’s from all the hits I took as a child… Or maybe I was just born stupid. That was what my father used to say at least. I don’t know what I prefer…” While Pete seemed to really ponder being born stupid and made into it, Vegas was too astonished to say anything, or even react. He felt like he was walking in a minefield. Pete mentioning his father was an even rarer occurrence than him professing his feelings. While Vegas was too scared to make things worse by saying anything, Pete seemed to have reached his conclusion, turning back toward Vegas “At least I am strong! See! Look at my muscles!”
Pete started flexing his arms proudly. It reminded Vegas of Pete when he’s working out after a shower. The movement was usually appealing but now Vegas was still too lost for words.
Vegas didn’t know how to comfort people. His only experience was with his brother and now Vegas couldn’t really throw himself or money at the problem. With Pete, his attempts were often inefficient at best or made things worse. What Vegas wanted to say was that Pete feeling this way was completely stupid and he shouldn’t feel that way because it was bullshit and that was it. End of discussion. He tried another approach.
“Pete, what did I do wrong? You know I love you, right?”
“Oh no! I know you do. Now. But it will fade. And that’s ok. I am here for you now! I am useful to you! And I am doing a good job!” Pete smiled stupidly once again. Vegas wanted to slap the smile off his face. “But soon you will be back to being you and you won’t need me anymore. You’ll have your empire back soon enough. You won’t be needing someone like me to bring you down.”
Vegas was once again lost for words. Pete clumsily tried to cradle Vegas’ face but ended up slapping him softly “You are doing so well. I am so proud of you Vegas. I love you so much.”
Pete went to hug Vegas, totally oblivious to the emotions he was bringing him. “You make me so happy” Pete kept his huge toothy smile, unbelievably sincere in all his declarations. Which was even more unsettling to Vegas.
Pete turned to face Vegas again to ask: “When you don’t love me anymore, please don’t tell me, I wouldn’t be able to take it.” This was the first time Pete’s smile wavered. He seemed nostalgic all of the sudden, as if remembering fond memories of them. Vegas wanted to shake him, tell him that he was right here, that it was ludicrous that Pete could think himself less than Vegas, that Vegas felt he needed Pete more than the sun, more than water, more than air. But Vegas stayed paralyzed, lost on what to say or how to react.
Suddenly, Pete jumped from Vegas’ arms to face him and say straight to his face: “Oh you know what?! You could just kill me!”
Vegas froze, his mind instantly flooded with memories of belts, bloody welts, and spilled food. As he tried to push these thoughts away, the notion of Pete being dead did nothing to lift his spirits. Meanwhile, Pete stood beside him, exuding a smug pride as if he'd just solved a complex math problem.
“Yes, that’s perfect! You could even do it when we fuck! What a way to go...” Pete was acting like the idea was wholesome, as if dreaming about his favorite curry or winning the lottery. As soon as he finished his thoughts, his expression turned suspicious. It seemed to be a recurring theme of the night: Pete's reactions would have been endearing in any other context if the discussion weren't so devastating.
“You never done that right?” Pete asked, narrowing his eyes.
He seemed genuinely upset at the idea of Vegas having already killed someone during sex before. Vegas was too dumbfounded to reply, just being able to utter a stuttering no. Pete looked happy at the news and resumed his cuddling with a pleased face.
“That’s a deal then! When you want to get rid of me, you don’t tell me but you off me gloriously when we fuck.”
It was not even the demand to be killed by his hands that bothered him. They both had a little obsession with the idea of being killed by the other. It was mutual, it was even kind of hot sometimes, so it was fine, nothing to fuss over. It was rather the display of such a blatant lack of self-esteem that astonished him. He witnessed firsthand its length; Pete always disregarded his own needs, always putting others before himself. Vegas constantly tried to right the wrong of his own actions, his own doing when he belittled Pete at the beginning of their relationship. Vegas couldn’t help but feel like it was his fault, that he was even less worthy of Pete if he couldn’t even make him feel safe with him, make him sure of his love.
He might never be enough for someone as inherently good as Pete, and he wasn’t even able to make Pete realize that.
He brought this on himself, right? He had been complicit in trying to reduce Pete to nothing. But that was supposed to be in the past, as Pete kept repeating to Vegas. Wasn’t it? How could Pete think that Vegas could even function without him? How could he think for even a second that Pete was not worthy of everything in this world? And how could he be okay with it? Vegas felt lost, wishing for a manual telling him what to do. He knew he fucked up somehow but had no clue about how to make it better. He almost longed for his father to still be here to discipline him for it. He longed for a well-deserved beating right now. At least he would be punished for it and that would be it.
Usually when Pete spiraled and got into his own head, Vegas just had to fuck his feelings away. Usually, mind blowing sex did the trick, especially when it left Pete covered in bruises and marks. The more marks the better and Vegas was more than happy to oblige. But what could he do when Pete seemed happy of the situation? What could he do when everything he tries back fires against him?
Pete snuggled closer to Vegas, blissfully unaware of the inner turmoil he had stirred in Vegas. The emotional distance between them was unsettling. Vegas was supposed to be the undeserving one. Vegas was the unlovable one. The idea of Pete deserving less than the world was completely alien to Vegas.
They didn’t speak any more that night, Pete cuddled in Vegas’ arms, snoring lightly while Vegas couldn’t fall asleep. He kept searching for solutions, grappling with ideas on how to express his feelings.
You said once that I needed love. You have no idea how right you were, how right you are. I need love and you are love. You give me everyday everything I need to survive. You. You are love. And somehow you find me loveable. You are the reason I am alive today and you are the reason I want to stay alive. You make life worth living. Because of you, death is no longer a friend I long to meet. We have seen each other; we see each other, and we accept and love each other.
Pete made Vegas overlook his total disregard for his own life. How could Vegas do the same for Pete?
Vegas did not sleep at all that night. When Pete woke up the next morning, he did not remember their conversation, he did not even remember half the night before. Vegas chose not to remind Pete, but instead made a silent vow to himself. He promised to show Pete, through actions and devotion, just how mistaken he was about his own value. Vegas was determined to make Pete feel even a fraction of the joy and love that Pete brought into his own life.