Chapter Text
So. He's. Probably in a fanfiction.
What does that even mean exactly?
Did he get isekai'd into a fanfiction, so now the whole fanfiction is real? Or is he fictional, just a made up character created by some author on Archive of Our Own, being used to further some shitty dumb plot that the author probably thinks is really clever and unique but is actually the same as any other isekai plot ever?
Was anything about his life ever real? Was everything he's been through up to now fake?
Now that he thinks about it, he can't really remember anything concrete about his life. He's always had a terrible memory so it isn't that surprising, but what if he hadn't always had a terrible memory? What if the author of the fic he's in just retconned it in to make him not realize he's in a fic and stop breaking the fourth wall?
Does he even have any control over what he does? Or is it all just in the hands of the author, typing everything out? Is there even a point to doing anything?
Oh, wait! There's no point in doing anything anyway because there's no point to being alive! So really, nothing changes at all.
Yeah, Obito doesn't really care anymore. Cool.
So, back to talking to Hidan...
"Okay, I get where you're coming from," Obito starts, even though he really doesn't. He hasn't read the original fic in ages, and doesn't really remember anything that happens in it other than the MC failing fantastically at everything and like barely surviving. Eh, it's probably fine.
"But, don't you wanna try some snicker doodles yourself? To decide whether what I did was really bad?" he continues.
What the fuck is he saying. He doesn't even know what snicker doodles are, for fucks sake.
"Hmm, maybe you have a point," Hidan says, stroking his chin like a 60's cartoon villain. "Alright, I'll see for myself if these snickerdoodles are worthy of existing in Jashin-sama's world! Bake me some, heathen!"
Wait, he actually took the bait???
A win's a win, I guess? he thought.
...He has no idea how to bake snicker doodles. He's not even fully sure what they are other than that they're cookies.
Well, the good thing is, neither does Hidan, so he could just bake some random dead squirrel and give it to him and he wouldn't know the difference.
But he doesn't have an oven. Also he doesn't know how to bake.
So he tells Hidan that (not the second part, because that's counterproductive and Hidan would probably just kill him at that point).
"There's no oven, so I can't right now," Obito says. "But! We could go to the nearest bakery and ask for some!"
"What the fuck is a bakery?" Hidan asks.
Obito can't tell if Hidan is just stupid or if bakeries really didn't exist in the world of Naruto. God, he hopes it's the first option.
"It's a Konoha thing," Obito bullshits, and hopes for the best. He's trying his best not to get killed right now because the fanfic he's probably in right now would end pretty boringly if he just died. "That's it, we should go to Konoha to find a bakery, and then I can make you snickerdoodles! If they're good, you could sacrifice them to Jashin! And if they're bad, you could kill me I guess."
Hidan takes on a look of concentration, like his two braincells are rubbing against each other as fast as they can. "Would Jashin take food as a sacrifice?"
Obito shrugs. "Well, technically, humans can be food right? And you sacrifice them, so why not snicker doodles?"
Obito has no idea what the fuck he's saying anymore. Does any of this make sense? He doesn't know but he hopes Hidan's dumb enough to accept it.
And he is, apparently, because Hidan just nods and says, "Alright, let's go already! Shit's gonna be funner than being around that old bitch Kakuzu anyway."
And so, the quest for snicker doodles commences.