Chapter Text
Yuji couldn’t take his eyes off of Sukuna, his mind was a jumble of overwhelming thoughts as his feet shuffled closer to the man. Sukuna was bleeding steadily from the wound in his chest, bright red trickling between the fingers making an effort to compress the bleeding. It hurt Yuji’s heart to see Sukuna hurt. It scared him.
He knew Sukuna wasn’t innocent, he knew that he had taken lives that Yuji was too afraid to ask about. But seeing the man he loved most brought down to his knees like this was painful.
Sukuna looked up at him with hopeful eyes, his cheeks were growing pale under the bright red smears of blood. Icy blue twinkled as he awaited Yuji like his dedicated angel.
Yuji wanted to reach out for Sukuna. He wanted to comfort him, kiss him while he still could.
I won’t see him again if I leave. Is this really what I want? Do I want a life without Sukuna? He’ll die like this.
Yuji’s hand twitched at his side, and he hesitantly began to reach forward. Sukuna’s eyes fluttered shut as he anticipated Yuji’s loving caress. Though just as Yuji’s fingers were going to brush Sukuna’s cheek, he felt a harsh tug on his hoodie. Yuji squeaked and stumbled backwards with the pull, Sukuna’s eyes snapped open to see what was going on.
Satoru pulled Yuji towards the front door with every ounce of strength he had left, his teeth grit. Yuji’s heart broke watching Sukuna’s smile fall.
“Baby…” He tried to move forward, shuffling on his knees. Yuji let out a pathetic little whine seeing Sukuna fall completely, unable to sit himself back up. “Yuji!”
Yuji isn’t exactly sure what filled his chest at that moment. Pity, sadness and a pain that he couldn’t define at all. He didn’t want to leave Sukuna like this. How could he leave the man he loved so dearly to die like this? Yuji tried to drag his feet but Satoru continued to force Yuji out of the house. Yuji felt new tears immediately spill over from his eyes, hot against his cheeks that were cooled by the winter air.
I don’t want to leave him. I can’t leave him!
“Sukuna!” Yuji cried, his hands gripping onto the splintered remnants of the doorframe.
The man made another attempt at sitting up, his arm trembling and giving out quickly. Yuji choked back a sob, shaking his head. Satoru sighed and gripped onto one of Yuji’s wrists, peeling away his fingers from the doorframe.
“Yuji, we have to go.” He huffed, his tone leaving no room for arguments.
Yuji shook his head, holding on with his other hand as tightly as he could.
“Satoru, he’s going to die- Satoru, he can’t!”
“He’s taken enough lives already, this is better for everyone.” Satoru’s voice was remorseless as he grabbed onto Yuji’s other wrist, tugging it away. “I know it’s hard, Yuji. This is for the best.”
As his fingers slipped away Yuji started to sob helplessly. “I love you!”
He continued to pull Yuji away from the house and to his car, Yuji writhed in his grip the entire time. He put up more than enough struggle for Satoru as he was being unwillingly forced into the passenger seat. Satoru eventually grabbed his face and shouted.
“He isn’t making it whether you stay or not, Yuji! Now get in the goddamn car so I can get you out of here!”
It wasn’t said in anger and Yuji knows that. He could feel the desperation and urgency in Satoru’s voice. He only wanted to help.
“I know it’s hard to leave him like that, Yuji. I know. But you have to do this. You need to get away from him.”
Yuji slumped and his lip wobbled while he thought of what to say. Satoru’s hands fell from Yuji’s face and back down to his sides. Yuji couldn’t help but cry, tears falling freely down his cheeks.
“He’s going to die alone, Satoru…” He whispered, his voice cracking just a bit.
Satoru sighed, he knows that it must be tearing Yuji apart. Satoru felt guilty for fighting with Suguru, he can only imagine what Yuji feels like seeing the aftermath of Sukuna getting shot. Yuji never wanted people to feel scared or alone, he was the sort of officer that would sit with people until they were able to call a friend or family member over. The type that would ride in the back of an ambulance with someone if they had nobody else.
Satoru hated doing this to him. He knew that Yuji loathed murderers more than anyone else, and yet Yuji was also the most empathetic person he knew. Satoru wished for a moment that it never had to be like this. He sighed and pet Yuji’s hair.
“Put your seatbelt on. I’m taking you to the train station, you need to catch the shinkansen before it stops running for the night.” Satoru’s voice was soft. “I can never apologize enough, Yuji.”
The younger man looked at him with watery eyes and silence before glancing to his lap. He pulled his legs fully into the car and Satoru shut the door. He rounded to the driver’s side and pulled out of the small driveway. The ride was silent aside from Yuji’s quiet cries.
Satoru parked in a garage near the grand station and looked to Yuji with pity in his eyes. He knows that this is tearing Yuji apart inside and out. He’s having to process Sukuna’s injuries so suddenly. This entire night was likely going to scar Yuji for the rest of his life. Satoru felt an overwhelming amount of guilt for sending him off by himself like this, though it’s what he thought was best for the moment.
“Yuji, you can do this. Once you get to the estate you can use the landline to call me, okay?”
The younger man looked at him silently, tears still streaming down his cheeks. He couldn’t find any words to say. Satoru sighed and reached up to wipe away some of the tears.
“I’m really sorry, Yuji. For everything. I… I really don’t have any way to make this up to you.” Satoru frowned, his voice just above a whisper.
Yuji’s mind was jumbled. His heart hadn’t stopped thumping since he called Sukuna, he was beginning to lose his breath.
Oh. I shouldn’t have called him. Sukuna wouldn’t have gotten hurt if I hadn’t called.
Yuji choked up once again and Satoru pinched his cheek gently to grab his attention.
“Get on the shinkansen and get out of here, Yuji. Okay?”
“What are you going to tell everyone?” Yuji whimpered.
What will my friends think? What’s going to happen to Satoru after this? Is Sukuna already dead?
“I don’t know, kiddo.” The older investigator said solemnly, shrugging his shoulders a bit. “None of this went to plan, so I don’t know. But it will be alright.”
“Satoru…” Yuji pleaded softly, his eyes almost begging to stay.
I want to go back home. I want to see Sukuna.
Satoru shook his head, knowing exactly what it was that Yuji wanted. “Call me when you get to Kyoto, Yuji.”
“I’m not getting out of the-”
“Yuji. Get out of my car, get on the next shinkansen, and leave.” Satoru’s voice trembled slightly but his tone was firm.
Yuji shook his head and Satoru sighed, leaning back in his seat for a few moments. He opened up the driver’s side door and rounded the car, pulling open Yuji’s door.
“Satoru-”
“Please don’t make this any harder for me than it needs to be, Yuji. I’m tired, I hurt, and you just-”
Seriously?
“You don’t think I’m tired!?” Yuji shouted, his voice echoing around the parking garage. Tears streamed from his eyes, he looked broken. “You don’t think I’m hurting!? I can never make decisions for myself anymore! Listen to me, Satoru!”
Satoru stood there stunned, blue eyes widening in surprise.
Anger fueled by desperation and confusion overwhelmed Yuji. “I want to go home! Nobody has listened to me in months! Can’t you do that for me!?”
Satoru’s eyes welled with tears and he grimaced, reaching forward to pull Yuji out by his hoodie. He truly felt terrible for not being able to give Yuji one final request. It’s true that Yuji had been getting strung about in multiple directions, a marionette being manipulated by countless puppeteers. Satoru had been one of them, and unfortunately, he’ll stay one of them.
Yuji stumbled and fell to his knees on the concrete. Satoru pulled the backpack out and tossed it beside him before shutting the door. Yuji looked up at him, the only sparkle in those golden eyes were from tears. Satoru wished he could change things. He wishes he could have prevented any of this from happening.
“I’m sorry, Yuji.” He meant it wholeheartedly.
Yuji tried to stand up and Satoru held his breath, shoving Yuji back down. Satoru turned his back to Yuji and wiped his eyes, getting back into the car before locking the doors. Yuji sat stunned, his heart thrumming erratically. He stood up once more and gripped the handle to the passenger door, trying to open it.
“Satoru! Wait!”
Satoru began to drive away, leaving Yuji there helplessly calling out for him. Yuji plopped back down to his knees, unable to register the pain of dropping down onto the rough floor. Everything was becoming too overwhelming.
I want to go home. I want to go home and go to sleep. Everything is happening too quickly. Too much is happening. What am I supposed to do? It’s cold, I want to go home.
Yuji brought his hands up to his face and sobbed, he didn’t know what else to do.
If I go home, what will I even do? Do I call the police? Sukuna will probably already be dead. Sukuna is dead.
Yuji slumped, bringing his hands down to his sides. His breath still shook with every intake of breath and his nerves felt as though they were aflame, but everything suddenly felt like it was beginning to piece together. His path ahead was being laid brick by brick.
Sukuna is my home. I don’t have a home in Tokyo anymore.
Yuji glanced blankly towards the backpack. He’d been pushed back into a state of not caring anymore. Yuji reached for the bag and slung it over his shoulder. He wiped his eyes with the sleeves of his hoodie, Sukuna’s hoodie, and stood up. He brushed off the dust from his knees and shuffled slowly towards the station.
His body ignored the biting cold against his legs and nose, his body ignored the pain in his heart. Yuji couldn’t be bothered with the strange looks and worried glances he received from the others at the station. Yuji quietly purchased a shinkansen ticket at one of the automated kiosks with the money that Satoru had stashed in the bag and made his way through the terminals. He needed to wait a little bit for the train to arrive, but time passed quickly regardless. Nothing really matters when apathy is the dominant affect.
The train ride was quiet, he stared out of the window and past his own reflection. He couldn’t cry anymore. He could recognize that he was scared. He knew that he felt guilty, sick and stressed but he couldn’t do anything about it. All of it was dampened down. Yuji only spared a smile for the polite employee on the train who brought him a blanket for his legs.
Six Months Later
Yuji blinked open his eyes as his alarm sounded. He sighed softly and reached over to his nightstand to turn off the blaring noise. Yuji didn’t have to work today, but he’d made it a habit to wake up at the same time every day. He wouldn’t say he’s changed a lot about himself since moving to Kyoto, but there are some noticeable differences in the way he takes care of himself.
He sat up and stared blankly forward, getting himself together before swinging his legs out of bed to stand. Yuji stretched out his limbs, a few pops coming from his joints. It was the same mundane task as usual, aside from getting dressed for work. Yuji brushed his teeth and pushed his hair back with a headband and shuffled out to the kitchen to get something to eat. Yuji had tried to start cooking, and he really truly put effort into it, but it just wasn’t the same. Yuji still eats prepackaged or frozen meals in the mornings out of convenience. He pulled out a frozen breakfast sandwich and put it to heat up in the microwave while he made a cup of coffee. Admittedly, Yuji’s coffee machine had gone unused just a few days after he bought it. The coffee never tasted right, so Yuji bought pre-made bottles of iced coffee now.
He mixed it into a mug with some creamer and added extra ice, sipping it as he pulled out his little daily planner. Yuji had never cared for planners before, but Choso thought it would be a good idea to keep himself on track.
Objectively, Yuji had adjusted very well to Kyoto. He lived in Satoru’s estate for a while before eventually using his savings to take out a mortgage on his own home. It was in a quiet neighborhood, the interior a lovely mix of modern and traditional. Something that felt just a little bit more like home instead of Satoru’s seemingly endless estate.
Yuji went back to work at the Kyoto Prefectural Police Headquarters shortly after the move. It was a difficult initial adjustment, he hadn’t even wanted to call Satoru at all when he got to the estate. But in the end, it was Satoru that was able to get him a job with the Kyoto police. He was back in an investigator position, his colleagues were kind and welcoming but it just wasn’t the same as everyone in Tokyo.
He was able to get back into contact with Nobara and Megumi after about a month, they had even come to visit him. Megumi had sincerely apologized for the loss of Sukuna. Despite never trusting him, he knew death must hurt for Yuji. Just the mention of it made Yuji want to scream.
Satoru had reported Sukuna as a suicide. It had hit a lot of the unit hard, and as soon as Nobara and Megumi were able to contact him the others started to send their condolences through them. Yuji was getting constant reminders that Sukuna was gone, it hurt more than he was capable of expressing. There was no huge news story at least, so Yuji assumed Satoru was able to cover up the mess he’d made.
After two months Yuji came to Tokyo to visit. He told Megumi and Nobara that he would come straight to meet them, but that was a lie. Yuji’s first stop was to his home with Sukuna. It still seemed to be vacant, the door was fixed at least. Yuji considered taking the plaque that had their names on it, but he didn’t want to change what their house looked like. Yuji didn’t try the door, doubting that the new door had the same locks. The house key still weighed heavily in his pocket. Yuji wished he could go home.
Yuji continued meetings with Choso, he recognized that he was falling into a level of depression that he wouldn’t have even been able to comprehend before any of this happened. Choso validated his feelings, letting him know that under the apathy was a bubbling lake of emotions that he just wasn’t ready to face. They’d surface eventually. Yuji started taking antidepressants and anxiolytics, sometimes he would need sleeping medications to get any rest. He’d wake up with headaches when he used them, Yuji only acknowledged the connection briefly. He started mixing his sleep medication into his nightly teas when he needed it.
Objectively, he was adjusting. But the truth? Yuji felt like a corpse walking amongst the living. He’d gone through too much to process all at once, and honestly if it weren’t for Choso Yuji likely wouldn’t be functioning at the level he does.
Yuji recognized that six months without Sukuna had already passed as he checked the date on his planner. Sometimes Yuji thinks he sees ghosts of him. He’ll wake up in the morning and wholeheartedly believe that Sukuna is in bed next to him until he reaches over to touch him and there’s nothing but cold sheets. He’ll hear flickers of Sukuna’s voice every so often or hear him laugh. When he cries into his pillow at night sometimes he’ll feel Sukuna’s fingers petting his hair.
He wanted nothing more than to be back in Sukuna’s arms. He felt safe enough, but he wanted to feel the comfort of the person he loves.
Yuji knows Sukuna was terrible. He’s processed that and he understands, but the only person he can talk it out with is still living with a murderer too. Satoru is still together with Suguru after all of this. Yuji had formed some sort of resentment towards Satoru for everything. Why did Yuji have to give everything up and uproot his entire life to escape the clutches of a monster, but Satoru remains tucked in the arms of Suguru? He couldn’t bring himself to completely hate Satoru, but their relationship felt strange nowadays.
Yuji had a sense of loneliness the moment he got to Kyoto that just never went away. Even with monthly visits from his friends and video calls almost daily, it feels empty. There was a void in his life that couldn’t be filled by anyone except for Sukuna.
Yuji was always happy to see his friends, but it felt hollow. Like it wasn’t enough. He felt guilty that his friends weren’t enough for him. Today his planner had a note that Megumi and Nobara were coming down to go to a museum with him later in the afternoon. He felt a flicker of something in his heart, it made his lips twitch up a bit.
Is that a little bit of excitement? That’s good. That feels good.
Yuji continued his morning routine, lazing about like he usually does on Wednesdays. The cases in Kyoto weren’t nearly as frequent as they were in Tokyo, so Yuji honestly didn’t have too much to stress about with work. It was a good thing, but it made relaxing a little bit difficult. It felt more like restlessness.
Around noon he started to dress himself, settling for a plain yellow shirt and some shorts. He heard his doorbell ring and he hummed curiously, heading towards the genkan.
Nobara and Megumi weren’t supposed to get here until two, are they here early? They would have texted me if they got to Kyoto a little early, right?
Yuji peeked out of the peephole and saw nobody. He arched an eyebrow and opened the door, looking around. He looked down and saw a small bundle of flowers.
Morning glories, red roses and speckles of violets.
Yuji’s breath got caught in his throat. He stepped out onto his porch and looked around for anybody who would have put it there, his heart beginning to thump. Upon seeing nobody he let out a breath and his shoulders slumped a bit. He leaned down to pick up the flowers and smiled softly.
Maybe it was a misdelivery. Maybe it’s a sign that Sukuna still thinks about me, wherever he is.
Yuji brought the flowers inside and closed the door. He looked for a card or a tag as he walked to the living room. Yuji pulled the little tag out of the bundle of flowers and read over it, and this time his heart had stopped.
My Yuji. Your smile hasn’t bloomed in quite a while. May these flowers help you to shine again.
Yuji’s hands trembled, and tears sprung to his eyes. His heart began to stutter in his chest, his mind began racing. Despite knowing that it’s impossible, knowing that you cannot send flowers from the grave, Yuji couldn’t help but cry tears of joy. He was okay with being delusional if he was able to feel something other than emptiness.
Yuji adjusted the vase of flowers on his coffee table and scurried back to the bedroom. He opened up his nightstand and placed the tag next to the other in his drawer. Yuji hopes he could build up a collection again. Maybe that would be enough to keep him happy.
A few hours later his friends had finally arrived. Nobara greeted him with a tight hug and a comment on how ugly his outfit was.
“It’s really a shame, for as long as you lived with Dr. Ryomen none of his fashion sense rubbed off on you.”
Yuji let out a huff of a laugh and shrugged his shoulders. Usually a comment mentioning Sukuna in any capacity would make him feel terrible, but it didn’t hurt so bad this time around. Nobara gasped dramatically and Megumi set a hand on his shoulder.
“Was that a laugh? Genuinely?”
“We need to throw a block party!” Nobara reached forward to pinch Yuji’s cheek.
Yuji laughed again and batted away their hands, shaking his head. Nobara squealed and Megumi had to turn away, looking up to the ceiling.
Nobara grabbed onto Yuji’s hand and bounced on her toes. “This is huge, Yuji! You haven’t laughed at all since you moved!”
“God dammit…” Megumi sighed, blinking rapidly.
Yuji tilted his head, a tiny smile remaining on his lips as he gently squeezed Nobara’s hand. “Are you crying, Megumi?”
The other man just nodded, wiping the underside of his eyes. Nobara cooed and used her free hand to pull Megumi closer. Yuji wrapped his arms over Megumi’s shoulders, Nobara’s arm around Megumi’s waist for a loose group hug.
Yuji didn’t realize how hard it must be for his friends to cope with his depression too. Choso had mentioned that it could be difficult for those close to him, but Yuji never really thought too much about it.
For the first time in a long time Yuji felt a significant amount of happiness while he spent time with his friends. He was able to feel and experience positive emotions at a higher level than he was before. It felt freeing.
When they returned to his house after spending the afternoon out, they took turns showering, Yuji going last. He went to his closet and his hand hovered over Sukuna’s hoodie. He sighed softly and chose a plain shirt instead, heading out to the living room. Nobara was filing Megumi’s nails on the couch, smiling up at him as he arrived.
“Hey! These flowers are super pretty, Yuji!” Nobara’s eyebrows wiggled.
Yuji smiled and nodded once. “Yeah, they’re really nice.”
Megumi hummed, and he shared a glance with Nobara. As though they were silently confirming something with each other. Yuji sat down beside Nobara on the couch and looked between them curiously, feeling as though he was missing out on something.
Nobara set the nail file aside and crossed her legs. “So…”
Yuji tilted his head. “So?”
Yuji’s friends shared another glance before looking back at him.
“Did you get the flowers from someone you’re seeing?”
Yuji let out a breath and gave them a tiny smile. “They just showed up at my door, guys. I don’t really know who sent them.”
Surely they were for me though, right? The note was too direct. The flowers they chose were too familiar.
Nobara pouted. “Oh. Well, I guess it doesn’t really matter. I’m just glad you’re getting happier.”
“We thought maybe you’d started seeing someone down here and that’s why you were seeming a little more chipper.” Megumi explained softly. “Sorry for assuming.”
“Ah, hey it’s alright.” Yuji shrugged his shoulders. “I haven’t even thought about dating, honestly.”
Nobara looked at her lap for a few moments. “Um… How are you doing though? I know we had a really good day, but like… You know?”
Yuji smiled softly. “Still going day by day. Some days I don’t even want to get out of bed, some days I feel motivated. It’s mixed, but I think I’m getting better.”
Megumi spoke next. “Are you making any progress moving on from him?”
“Megumi!” Nobara hissed, smacking his leg.
Yuji laughed breathily. “It’s okay. I don’t think so to be totally honest with you. I still miss him every day. I don’t cry as often, but it still feels like something is missing from my life.”
Nobara nodded solemnly, Megumi rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Gojo mentioned that Dr. Ryomen’s house has been vacant. Do you think maybe going to get some of your stuff might help?”
Yuji thought for a few moments before responding. “I’ve thought about it. Honestly, I’ve even thought about buying out the home. I worked with someone to do a title check, Sukuna is still marked down as the owner. So um… Legally I can’t really do anything about it.”
“Your name is on the front! You should be able to go in!” Nobara huffed, crossing her arms over her chest.
“Gojo could get you an exception right? Or even Higuruma. Surely he could call a property lawyer or something to get you access.” Megumi suggested. “It might help you to have some familiar stuff around.”
Choso had suggested something similar before. Yuji wore Sukuna’s hoodie almost every day until it just became unbearably hot in the summer. Yuji is sure having some of Sukuna’s things with him would help him cope a little bit, but he just couldn’t get himself to try.
“I’ll figure something out. I… I mean I don’t even know if I’m ready to go back in there at all.”
Especially not after seeing Sukuna bleeding out in there. My last memory in that house was terrible. Am I really capable of holding myself together for that?
“Well… Whatever you decide to do, we’ll help you. We’ll go with you if you want.” Megumi nodded.
The rest of the night went as usual. Nobara and Megumi shared work stories, Nobara gave a few too many details about her love life with Maki, and they watched terrible movies in the background. The night ended with Yuji laid out on the tatami flooring between Nobara and Megumi. Nobara nestled close to his side and Yuji’s hand loosely tangled with Megumi’s as they slept.
Life continued on for Yuji, his life mundane and somewhat unsatisfactory. Yuji had started to look forward to Wednesdays again, always getting a delivery at different times of day with flowers. He’d attempted to wait on the porch and see who was delivering them once, but nothing came. That day he went inside to get a snack and when he went back out the flowers were there.
Yuji felt mild annoyance that he had yet again missed the delivery, but it was still keeping him somewhat hopeful. Well, delusional was likely the better term for what he was feeling. A part of him believed that it was Sukuna delivering these flowers to him. The notes were written with his personality, it couldn’t just be a coincidence. Truthfully, it’s probably just someone from Tokyo trying to help him feel a little better, but Yuji would stick with the idea that it’s from Sukuna.
He got the eerie feeling of being watched on occasion. When he was commuting home from work or hanging out with his coworkers after hours. Sometimes it even felt uncomfortable in his own home, in those times Yuji would close the curtains and hide away in the bedroom until he felt better.
Some weeks the bouquet deliveries made him more sad than anything. He’d read the tag and cry quietly. The overwhelming longing for Sukuna was hard for him, some days more than others. Yuji hated feeling so alone.
The property attorney checked in with him a few more times regarding Sukuna’s home, apparently the property wasn’t being released for sale due to paperwork problems. Yuji sighed and ran a hand through his hair. The whole thing was incredibly stressful for him, he didn’t want to lose out on any of his stuff or Sukuna’s stuff inside.
“Since… Since my stuff is still in there, would I be able to um… Get access to the house before it goes up for sale?” He asked softly.
“I don’t see why not. You’ve given me proof of your residency at that property.” The man hummed through the phone. “I can certainly apply for a pass. Honestly, once the home is released from ownership you’d be the first in line to take over it.”
Yuji perked up at that, clutching his phone a little tighter. “Really?”
“Mhm. Mr. Ryomen didn’t have a living will, so normally in that situation everything would go to his next of kin. Of course he doesn’t have any living family members, so you being the second resident of the home would be offered ownership.”
Yuji smiled in relief, something settled in his chest. “That’s… That’s actually really good news.”
“I take it you'd like to keep the property?”
“Yeah. Yes I would.” Yuji nodded to himself. “I wasn’t sure before, but I really want it.”
“Alright, well as soon as the home is released I can get started on that paperwork for you. But in the meantime, let’s try and get you a release to enter the property to retrieve your things.”
Yuji felt a bit more at ease after that. He felt fine in Kyoto, but maybe moving back to Tokyo would be for the best. He’d be close to his friends again, and he’d get to live in a home that he feels comfortable in. Even if anxiety bit at him on occasion just thinking about returning to the place he saw Sukuna dying, the house still carried good memories for him too. It was his home. Well, as close to his home as he could get.
Yuji thought about the things he would want to bring back with him whenever he got a pass to enter the property again. He definitely wanted to get his old phone back, there were pictures on there he unfortunately couldn’t exactly replace. He wanted a few more of Sukuna’s hoodies too.
He made a tiny list, mostly with clothes or trinkets, he definitely wanted the rest of his flower tags.
After he’d made that list he sighed softly and dragged his feet to the kitchen to start another dinner that would no doubt be unsatisfying.
A few weeks later Yuji still hadn’t heard much on getting an entry pass for the property. There was apparently no proof that the residence was vacant. On top of that the city office doesn’t seem to have a record of Sukuna’s death, complicating the process of anything to do with his assets. It only added an extra layer of stress for Yuji in the whole situation.
Yuji had even tried to explain everything to Choso over one of their in person meetings, causing himself to cry helplessly. Yuji preferred to handle tough conversations like this in person. Yuji felt pathetic because he thought that Sukuna not having a death certificate might mean he’s alive. Choso seemed unsure of what to say to him after Yuji admitted that.
Yuji shifted uncomfortably in the chair across from Choso, seemingly unable to sit still as he spoke.
“Choso… I don’t know, I just feel like I’m going insane.” Yuji shrugged his shoulders, huffing out a humorless laugh. “He’s been gone for six months but I still feel it in the back of my mind that he’s alive.”
The older man frowned, adjusting his position in his chair. “Grief isn’t linear, Yuji. You can go back and forth between stages, that doesn’t mean you’re going insane.”
“Yeah, but I know he’s dead. He’s not coming back, I’m not in denial about it.” Yuji sighed softly. “There’s just some things I can’t explain and that’s giving me some… Some twisted taste of hope, I guess.”
“Like what?”
Yuji frowned and thought a bit about it, scratching at his knee idly.
“I get flowers every Wednesday just like I used to.” He sat up a little straighter. “The messages are always typed, but I… It just seems so much like it’s him.”
Choso frowned and sat back in his chair. “Nobody has reached out about sending them?”
“No.” Yuji shook his head. “Even my friends didn’t know who they came from the first time.”
Choso suspected that it was a cruel prank from someone else. He’d keep that thought to himself for now though.
“I see. What else aside from the flowers?”
“Um… I know that this is just me reaching for something, but… Well, you know I’m trying to get access to Sukuna’s house to get some of my stuff? I guess the city doesn’t have his death certificate.” Yuji shifted in his seat. “I know sometimes things just get lost in government but… But how could someone lose a death certificate, you know?”
“After six months they still don’t have one?”
“I guess they just never bothered to look because there was no pressure to get into the house until I finally asked.” Yuji said softly.
“Right.” Choso tapped his fingers idly on the table as he thought it over. “I genuinely understand how those things could make you feel hopeful. Especially the death certificate. I’m not concerned about it so long as you acknowledge that it’s not reality that Sukuna may be alive.”
Choso’s voice was gentle as he continued. “I’m so sorry that you’re experiencing this, Yuji.”
The younger man felt tears well in his eyes and he wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. Yuji felt like something inside of himself had finally broken.
“I’m so tired, Choso… I just… God, I’ve been refraining from telling you, but I just want to end it already.” Yuji choked out, starting to cry quietly. His hands trembled in his lap. “I don’t want to deal with any of it anymore.”
Choso perked up at that. “Yuji… Hey, take your time. We’ll talk about this, it’s going to be alright.”
Yuji cried for a few more minutes. Choso waited patiently, watching as Yuji pulled his legs up onto the chair to hug his knees and hide away his face. Yuji finally looked up, his eyes watery and puffy and a frown set deep on his face. There was a tense silence for a few moments.
“Am I correct in assuming that you consider suicide often, Yuji?”
“... Yeah.” He whispered.
“Have you made a plan?”
“Um… Not really? I don’t know. I’m aware of how I could, but I haven’t really like… chosen an option? I just kinda go about my day and sometimes I’ll stop and think I can just do this right now. Then I just sort of move on.”
“How often do you get those sorts of thoughts?”
“Maybe once every few days? Once a week.” Yuji shrugged. “Sometimes it’s worse.”
“I see… And why were you hesitating to tell me?”
“I… Honestly, I’m not really looking to be put in a ward.” Yuji offered a sad smile. “Please don’t make me go.”
Choso thought for a few moments before sighing softly. “I won’t. I don’t think that would be the most beneficial choice right now.”
“Oh.”
Well, that’s a relief.
“Have you ever actually made an attempt at taking your life?”
“No… Just thought about it.”
“Okay. So, we’re going to make a contract here.” Choso leaned back in his chair, looking directly at Yuji. “Nothing legal, just a promise.”
Yuji tilted his head curiously.
Are promises therapeutic?
“You need to call me at least once a day, I don’t care what time of day you call, but I want you to check in with me daily just for a minute or two.” Choso explained. “If you ever feel suicidal I want you to call me immediately, and if I don’t pick up you call the front desk and have Kechizu get me.”
Yuji frowned. “That’s a huge burden-”
“Your life isn’t a burden on me, Yuji.” Choso shut him down softly. “I’m glad to be there for you, and I have a work cell for this reason exactly.”
Yuji thought for a few moments and nodded. “Okay… That doesn’t seem so bad.”
As promised, Yuji checked in with Choso daily. Yuji was skeptical about how effective a promise like this would be, unsure of the medical reasoning behind it. However, it turned out to be pretty helpful in the long run. Yuji had begun to look forward to the daily updates.
The calls would only last a minute or two each day, usually in the evenings when Yuji was finished with work. He likes getting to tell Choso about the small joys with each passing day. Yuji hardly ever mentioned the minor stressors, like when he feels like he’s being followed or like there’s someone else in his home. Yuji didn’t want Choso worrying about any paranoia, even if that’s what it was.
Yuji only called him twice over the course of a month regarding suicidal thoughts. Yuji almost didn’t even call the first time because he thought it wasn’t a big deal. That time, he’d been cooking dinner and reminiscing to himself about Sukuna. How much better his food was, how skillful he was with a knife. Yuji’s grief had taken over and he wondered how quickly he’d bleed out if he hurt himself. Yuji felt almost guilty when he made the call, telling Choso that the thought of dying was relieving to him.
Yuji was feeling particularly paranoid today. His flower delivery didn’t come and it was almost time for him to go to bed. Though despite the lack of flowers, Yuji still felt like there was a presence nearby that was focused on him.
I really must be going insane. Maybe I should tell Choso about this already. I haven’t been able to shake this feeling for weeks. Maybe I really am nuts.
Yuji heard his phone ringing and he startled a bit, he checked the caller ID and answered quickly.
“Choso! Hey!” Yuji said quickly. “Sorry, I totally blanked after dinner.”
The man’s voice came in softly through the receiver, Yuji let out his breath when he realized Choso wasn’t upset with him. “It’s alright. I just wanted to make sure everything was alright.”
“Yeah… Yeah I’m all good. My mind is just a little preoccupied.” Yuji sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, offering an awkward laugh. “Don’t wanna kill myself though.”
Choso chuckled. “Well that’s good then. Was today alright? What’s got your mind busy?”
“Um… Well… Nothing much really happened. I didn’t do much. I was… Well I was waiting for those flowers.” Yuji’s voice trailed off. “I guess I didn’t realize how much I looked forward to them every week.”
“They didn’t come today?”
“No, I guess I shouldn’t like… Cling onto them? I don’t know, it’s kind of just feeding into the whole ‘Sukuna is alive’ delusion.” The younger man muttered.
“Still, I’m sorry that you feel upset about that.”
“It’s not a super huge deal, I mean-” Yuji stopped when he heard a soft knock on the front door. He glanced out of one of the windows, it was dark out. “I… Sorry, Choso. Someone just knocked.”
“No worries! Goodnight, Yuji.”
“Goodnight, Choso. I’ll remember to call tomorrow.” He smiled softly before ending the call.
Yuji went to the genkan and peeked out of the peephole. Yuji didn’t see anybody, he pouted. He sighed and unlocked the door to pull it open. He looked down to the porch and saw a bouquet. Yuji was glad it was delivered, he just wished he had at least seen who had brought them. He stepped out to pick them up and nearly jumped out of his skin noticing a presence on his bench.
Yuji plastered himself to the open door, eyes wide and his heart thumping in his chest.
I’m hallucinating. I have to be hallucinating. Am I seriously insane? I should call Choso back.
Yuji stared with wide eyes at the figure sitting so nonchalantly on his bench. A tall man, well built with an all black outfit. He craned his head to face Yuji, and the younger man stared into icy blue eyes that he’d grown to find comfort in.
Sukuna. That’s Sukuna. This isn’t real. But he looks so real.
Yuji felt like his breath was caught in his throat, his heart hammering against his chest as though he were seeing a ghost. He is seeing a ghost.
Sukuna stood up and took a step to stand before Yuji, leaning down for just a moment to pick up the flowers. Yuji didn’t know what to do. Didn’t know what to think. His mind was a tumultuous battle of if this was real or not.
Malevolence loomed over Yuji like a chilling cloud in the summer heat. His eyes locked onto beautiful blue.
“Sometimes you worry me, babylove.”
Yuji’s lips fell open wordlessly.
I’m having a mental break. There’s no other explanation. Someone would have told me that he’s alive.
Yuji let out a shaky breath and felt tears in his eyes. Sukuna smiled fondly, stepping forward to gently urge Yuji back into the genkan. Sukuna closed the front door behind himself and set the flowers down at the entry table. He looked back to Yuji, eyes intently gazing upon the younger man.
“I’ve missed you terribly, Yuji.”
All Yuji could do was nod. He’d missed Sukuna too after all. Sukuna chuckled and opened up his arms, taking a step forward to take Yuji into his embrace. Yuji let out a shaky breath, his arms coming to wrap around Sukuna in turn.
He smells the same. He feels the same. None of this is right. None of this can be real. What the hell is going on?
Sukuna kissed the top of his head and smoothed a hand up and down his back soothingly, Yuji’s tears spilled out from his eyes and he leaned his head on Sukuna’s chest. It was as though his mind had completely snapped. He felt at peace. Finally a sense of bliss.
“Where have you been…?” Yuji breathed.
“Around… I had to let everyone think that I was gone for a bit.” He replied softly. Sukuna pressed a gentle kiss to his forehead. “Tomorrow I’m sure that you’ll be getting call after call…”
Yuji’s chest clenched at that, his anxiety spiking.
“What did you do?”
“Don’t sound so accusatory, babylove.” Sukuna chuckled. “I’ve only asked for my job back, and of course my old boss was all too willing. Things get rough without enough examiners, you know.”
Yuji tilted his head up to meet Sukuna’s gaze, still in a state of disbelief. The older man reached up with one of his hands and caressed the side of Yuji’s face. His eyes were so fond, so full of love.
“I only say you’ll be getting plenty of calls because everyone at the station will be fairly surprised to see my name back on the roster. Gojo telling everyone I died was rather rude, hm?”
“But you did die.” Yuji said bluntly.
“No… Came mighty close to it though.” Sukuna laughed breathily. “I’m alive.”
“But how? ”
“Does it matter? I’m here. I’m alive.” Sukuna hummed. “I’ll be honest, despite Gojo’s foolishness in saying I’d committed suicide, it was quite fun playing dead for a while.”
Yuji’s brows furrowed and he shook his head. “Fun for who?”
“Ah… Perhaps that was a bad way to word it.”
“Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you at least let me see you?” Yuji’s tone was more desperate than angry, tears streaming down his cheeks.
Sukuna kissed his forehead. “I was hoping the flowers would help, babylove…”
“I… I just wasn’t sure! I couldn’t- It seemed like it was you but… But I-”
“I understand. It’s alright.” Sukuna wiped Yuji’s tears with gentle swipes of his thumb. “I’m here now. I have never in my life felt remorse, Yuji. But for this, for leaving you alone, I do.”
Yuji’s lip wobbled, he still wasn’t sure exactly what was going on. Why things happened the way they did. He didn’t understand. He let out a heavy sigh and pressed his trembling hand to Sukuna’s chest, his heart thumping heavily against Yuji’s palm. Sukuna set his hand overtop of Yuji’s.
“Let’s get some rest, Yuji. Then tomorrow we’ll go back to Tokyo together. We’ll get you settled back home. You can finally relax. I’ll take care of you, babylove.”
Yuji looked up to Sukuna, his gaze a mixture of confused emotions.
“Satoru doesn’t know?”
“He does. Him and Suguru both.”
Yuji’s brows furrowed. His relationship had been estranged with Satoru since he’d come to Kyoto, but he still felt a sense of betrayal.
Maybe I shouldn’t have expected him to call. He was the one who wanted me away from Sukuna in the first place.
“... Will I have any freedom?” Yuji’s question was innocent.
Would I really even care if I were locked inside anymore? I don’t think I would. So long as I got to be with Sukuna.
“I don’t think you’ll try to run off on me.” Sukuna smiled, gently pinching Yuji’s cheek. “Will you?”
Yuji shook his head definitively. Not after all this time. Not after experiencing what life without Sukuna was like. Sukuna’s grin widened, his eyes glinting with sadistic joy. Biding his time had worked in his favor.
“You can spend time with your friends. I’ll still allow you to see Choso. You can still work if you like, just… One thing.”
Yuji eyed him curiously. In all honesty, he was experiencing a rush of relief, euphoria and mental disarray that prevented him from really being able to comprehend everything.
“You know exactly what I do.” Sukuna said bluntly.
You murder people.
Yuji nodded once.
Sukuna smiled softly, caressing Yuji’s face. The younger man couldn’t help but lean into his touch.
“The moment you try to tell anybody what I do…” He gently kissed near Yuji’s ear, his voice a threatening whisper. “You lose all of those privileges.”
Yuji didn’t even think before agreeing. Sukuna chuckled and pet his hair.
“There’s my good boy…”
“I love you, Sukuna.” He nodded, nuzzling his face into Sukuna’s chest. “I love you.”
Sukuna smiled fondly, tilting Yuji’s chin up. He leaned down to press their lips together in a tender kiss.
“I love you more than anything, Yuji.”
“You’ll love me in all of our lifetimes, right…? You’ll love me until the moment we die? Like you promised?”
“Oh, babylove… Death could never get between you and I.”