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“Aventurineeeeeee,” Ratio slurred, cheeks flushed, complimented by an uncharacteristic smile draped across his face. A smile meant for him.
Gaithra Tryclops save me, the gambler thought, gripping the underside of his seat as tightly as he could while his dear friend? companion? lov- was currently leaning on his shoulder, practically crushing poor Aventurine with his body weight as he drooped over the man like a coat haphazardly shoved onto a hanger.
Aventurine swallows nervously and looks back at the extremely drunk Ratio, although he probably didn’t look much better. With how furiously Aventurine was blushing in this present moment, an outside observer would likely deem neither of them to be sober, which was perhaps even more embarrassing for Aventurine, considering he hadn’t drunk a single glass tonight.
Fortunately for both of them, they happened to be sitting in a rather private part of the venue, sectioned off from the rest of it, so nobody would be there to witness this predicament, unless they came to that area, which was highly unlikely. Besides, it was almost closing time anyways, so it’s not like the room was crowded, but that did not ease Aventurines worry- or his embarrassment, in the slightest.
Aeons, spoke Aventurine’s flustered mind, how did I get here..
_________________________________
“Let’s go out for drinks Doc!” Aventurine suggested enthusiastically.
“I have no desire to indulge in your alcoholism, gambler. If you wish to celebrate our recent mission, then pick a different activity,” Ratio deadpanned in response.
“Awww,” he replied dramatically, although the mention of his drinking problem did sting a little bit, Aventurine by now could understand that the doctor was merely looking out for him, unless..
“Well, I promise not to drink then!” Aventurine said earnestly, “Besides, the atmosphere of a bar is just as fun, and I’ve missed it anyways,” he explains.
Ratio expression twists a bit, and Aventurine notices his eyes dart away towards the floor as Ratio turns his head slightly away from him.
Oh, so there is something, he muses, well then, it couldn’t hurt to find out, could it?
“Is that a yes or a no, Doctor?” Aventurine teases.
Ratio sighs, and looks back to meet Aventurine’s gaze.
“I suppose…” he replies dejectedly, “but-” Ratio says firmly, “I’m holding you to that promise gambler.”
“Ok, ok,” Aventurine responds sheepishly, although he quickly returns to his usual bravado, “You’re gonna looove this place Doc, trust me.”
________________________________
“Oh- I forgot how good their fries were!” Aventurine muses, currently munching on a handful of them, which was sending crumbs everywhere.
“Chew with your mouth shut,” Ratio scolds, “despite the fact that you have had no alcohol, you’re currently eating like a foolish drunkard, it’s unbecoming of you.”
“Relax, Ratio,” Aventurine soothes, shoving another fry into his mouth, “we’re here for fun, remember? Besides, nobody"s gonna come over here, so why not loosen up a bit? You know I’ll always clean up…” he pauses, deciding to push a little further, “I mean, you haven’t even touched your drink that you ordered…”
“I-“ Ratio stares at the whiskey in front of him, expression tensing up, “I suppose you’re right, but- please try and chew a little quieter at least, the sounds you’re making disgust me,” he admits, the hint of shame in his voice not lost on Aventurine.
Quickly, the gambler finished eating and looked back at him with an earnest smile, “as you wish, Doc.”
The resulting awkward silence that falls over the two of them lingers for a moment, as they both stare at one another, waiting for someone to say something.
Unsurprisingly, Aventurine is the one to break the silence.
“So.. are you going to drink that or not?” he questioned.
“Why- Why are you asking this again?,” Ratio responds incredulously, “no- don’t tell me, you want to drink it? We had a deal after all,” he finishes sternly.
“Calm down- I just think it’s a waste of food, that’s all,” Aventurine says earnestly, “I mean- we’ve been here for like half an hour, and you haven’t even taken one sip yet,” he exclaims.
Now, here’s where I find out what’s really going on with him.
“Hey, you might as well let me drink it anyways, its just a single one after all, and it be a shame to see it go to waste, you know~ think of all the people who would kill for alcohol right now..,” Aventurine teases.
Let’s see if he takes the bait..
However, Ratio doesn’t even dignify the other’s taunt with words, instead glaring at him and proceeding to chug the glass in one go, slamming it back onto the table.
“Happy?” he seethes.
“I- Veritas- I’m sorry, truly- I was just messing with you, I didn’t want to make you feel guilty, really!” Aventurine shouts.
However, his hasty apology falls on deaf ears as the other man just hangs his head down, staring at the table despondently.
“Y"know Ratio..” Aventurine starts.
“Yes, gambler,” Ratio responds, although the anger in his voice has mostly been replaced by disappointment, disappointment which was directed at himself, rather than Aventurine.
“If you don’t like alcohol, you could have just said so, I never would have suggested we go to a bar if I knew you weren’t a fan of it,” the other soothes.
Ratio sighs, and turns his head away slightly out of shame.
“It’s not that, I just- nevermind..” he says, voice almost a whisper.
“You can tell me anything Veri’, truly,” Aventurine replies honestly, leaning in a little in an attempt to get closer to the other.
“I don’t like how I am when I’m drunk,” Ratio blurts out, “the people on the planet I’m from also tend to possess a very low tolerance for substances, especially alcohol, and I fear that trait did not skip me.”
Aventurine gazes softly at him, eyes entirely devoid of judgment. Perhaps -although Ratio would never admit it- this is what causes him to confess what he had been hiding.
“It feels like I have no control over myself when I’m drunk,” he sighs, and forces himself to meet Aventurine’s gaze, “and that’s what scares me.”
“What do you mean by that- if you don’t mind me asking -I mean?” the gambler stutters out, tilting his head a little bit.
“It’s, it’s like I manage to hold every emotion, every little shameful thing inside me that I don’t want others to see when I’m sober, but when I’m drunk, I just can’t do that,” Ratio responds, voice breaking a little as his eyes dart to the side once more.
“Mmm,” Aventurine says in an understanding tone, pausing to take note of the shift in atmosphere, both in terms of the conversation change, and the subtle dimming of the lights around them, before taking a deep breath and continuing.
“But, well, I want to see all the little shameful parts of you, even if you don’t want to show them..”
“You- you don’t,” Ratio’s chokes out, words slurring a little.
Oh, oh no, he really wasn’t exaggerating about having a low alcohol tolerance, was he? Aventurine thought, guilt piercing its way through him like a needle into soft flesh.
“But I do,” Aventurine admits honestly, “I love all of you Ratio.”
“But I don’t.”
__________________________________
Ratio still remembers that afternoon.
The anti-planetary weapon he had been working on had completely its first successful test fire, and Ratio’s heart was filled with joy, as he had designed it alongside his assistant Margaret, and this victory had been a long time coming. They were delighted, as it had been a project they had worked on for years, created with the intentions of it being used to help mine uninhabitable planets, rather than forcing people to brave their dangerous environments.
He had sat on his chair in their shared lab, breathing a sigh of relief and silently commending himself for a job well done, proud of what was perhaps his greatest achievement so far.
And that’s when it happened, when the moment that was forever etched into his mind occurred.
Margaret walked in with a letter, an excited look on her face. She handed it to him, and backed up expectantly, as if she was waiting for him to share in her delight.
However, instead of reciprocating her enthusiasm, Ratio’s face behind his alabaster mask fell, as he read the words, “Interastral Peace Corporation,” instead of “Genius Society.”
He politely asked her to leave, feeling a twinge of shame in his heart as he saw Margaret’s smile fade at his response, but she did what he asked, leaving the room and shutting the door behind her.
Upon the sound of it clicking shut, Ratio sighed and couldn’t help bursting out into self-deprecating laughter.
How foolish of me. He had thought at that moment, to believe I was ever worthy of the Genius Society.
He immediately left to go home, and upon arrival, Ratio tore the mask off his head. While holding back tears, he ran to the dining room in his house, grabbed a long untouched cask of wine and tore it open. Bottle in hand, Ratio practically flew up the stairs as he made his way to the bathroom. As he choked back sobs, there was nothing Ratio desired more than to be in the one place he felt the safest, his bathtub. Only there he felt he could hold back these miserable, bitter and undeserving feelings.
Perhaps this will make me feel better, his mind mused, after all, alcohol is a depressant, and I hope it will just help me forget all of this, something which I shouldn’t be upset over in the first place.
A medicine to prevent his tears, to cure the illness of self-centeredness that was plaguing him currently, whatever logic Ratio used in that moment to justify his actions didn’t matter, as he proceeded to drink the entire bottle anyways, even if the last vestiges of his rationality knew it was a bad idea.
Veritas didn’t care though, as in the moment he would have done anything to get rid of those damned emotions, the phantoms of his feelings that he held in all day to keep himself sane, to make things easier, and because even if he would never admit it, that was the only way he felt he could function, perchance the only way knew how to.
It didn’t work.
He cried until his eyes ran dry and throat went hoarse, hand gripping the bottle like it was his lifeline, a buoy on a roiling sea, one formed of his own tears.
The waves crashed over his head, filling his throat with cold, heavy water, choking his breath and leaving him shivering, gasping for air like a fish thrown haphazardly onto land, even if he felt as if he was drowning in a never ending ocean.
Distantly, he heard a crash, and felt the bottle slip from his grip. Unthinkingly, Ratio reached around to find it, and was met with sharp, stinging pain as he felt shards of glass impale themselves into his shaking hands. Shocked by the pain, he immediately pulled away and brought them to his face, but even as his tears blurred his vision, the unmistakable image of red blood dripping down his palms made Ratio feel sick to his stomach, as he saw was same rich wine that he had hedonistically indulged in that night.
Veritas swore to never drink again.
_________________________________
“Nothing about you is shameful,” Aventurine said, voice firm.
“My failure to get into the Genius Society is,” Ratio replied cynically, immediately regretting the words as they fell out of his mouth. However, this didn’t prevent Aventurine from responding.
“No, it’s not,”
“Yes it is- hic- I’ll never be worthy of Nous’s acknowledgement,” he bit back, unaware that the alcohol was putting him into an argumentative mood.
“And that doesn’t make you any less intelligent, does it?” Aventurine questioned earnestly.
“Yes, it does,” Ratio fervently denied, “I-I’ll never be sm-smart enough for THEM,” the doctor slurs, as that dreadful feeling of his words clogging his throat returns once more.
“Well then, let me ask you this Veritas, am I dumb or useless because Nous will never acknowledge me?”
“No, of course not,” he blurts out honestly.
“Ok, if I’m not, then why would you be?”
Ratio is stunned into silence.
He looks back on everything.
Every memory, every moment, every little encouragement, small praise, not so gentle push, all telling him to keep moving forward, to accomplish, to inspire, to discover, to improve, to improve, to improve, to improve, to improve, to improve.
Ratio remembers standing on that stage as he received his first class honors award, something which hadn’t been gifted in several Amber Era’s. He remembers his beloved old professor, signing him up for college while he was in middle school, telling little Veritas that he was an unparalleled genius. He remembers all the hushed whispers around him, the sounds of the people’s gossip, and their heated debates on the subject of his future.
When was the last time he had reconsidered? So firmly walking the path that he felt was Erudition, determined to help others follow in his footsteps, to lift them up to face the warmth of that bright, all knowing day, that he didn’t even notice the ache in his feet, or the twisting branches and vines scratching his legs, or his skin burning under the relentless sun?
Perhaps it has truly worn him out after all, and unlike the other geniuses, he had neither the strength nor wit to ever make it as far as they did.
But then he remembered the smile on the face of his classmate, a stranger that he had helped understand a difficult concept in a class that they shared, and the feeling of his heart beating just a bit faster. He went home that day and felt a greater sense of accomplishment than any award so far had brought him, and wondered if maybe this should be the answer he seeks.
He remembered the warmth that spread throughout his chest when he finally figured out the cure to that disease that had been plaguing the galaxy for centuries, a monumental achievement. Ratio didn’t cry at the numerous awards he had earned for it, but one day, he received a teary-eyed hug he had received from an old woman he had encountered on the street. She thanked him profusely as she explained that his research had saved the life of her only son, and as tears streamed down her cheeks, Ratio soon found his own joining her.
He remembered the gaze of the young child he pulled out of the rubble on some far off planet, her shining eyes staring back at him as he attempted to comfort her, holding her in his arms and whispering myths of old as he carried her back to civilization. Eventually, with some help he enlisted from the guild, Ratio had managed to pull thousands of survivors out from the wreckage of that volcanic explosion. Such task that he had been determined to complete after one of his students came to class sobbing, and when he pulled them aside to ask what was wrong, they told him of the predicament facing their planet. Ratio could never forget the look on that students’ face after he immediately postponed all his classes, and set his heart on doing anything he could to help.
Why would Nous ignoring him make him useless?
Sure, it still hurt, and perhaps it would never not feel like knives stabbing into his chest.
However, even if Nous’s gaze upon him was merely a figment of his imagination, the people Ratio dedicated his life to helping weren’t.
Maybe his accomplishments would never be enough, and his thirst for knowledge was simply not acclimated to the Aeons tastes, but why did that matter? Why should it?
Why, despite all this, and how happy helping others has made him, has made them, does Ratio still not feel like he is enough?
He drags himself out of these drunken thoughts, and looks back at Aventurine, who is still gazing at him, as lovingly as ever, his enchanting eyes drawing Ratio in ever closer. That individual he never felt deserving of, yet one who loved Ratio nonetheless.
Maybe I’ll never feel like I am enough, his mind sluggishly muses, but it sure seems like Aventurine thinks I am.
Ratio struggles to get up, but he eventually manages, and walks over to Aventurine’s side of the table, plopping himself down on the bench the other is sitting on, and sliding himself next to him.
“You- hic, don’t think I’m dumb?” He stutters out.
“No,” Aventurine replies honestly, a bit dumbfounded at the question, “how could I- I mean, you’re the smartest person I know?”
“-Besides,” he pauses, “why’d you want to sit next to me anyways, Doc? I could hear you just fine from the other side of the table you know~,” the gambler teases.
“I- I guess I liked the w-way you were looking at me,” Ratio admits, “and I wanted t-to get a be-better look,” he stutters, stumbling over his words as the alcohol messed with his speech.
Aventurine gently grabs Ratio’s face, hands caressing his chin as he brings the other closer to him.
“Is this better?~” he teases.
Ratio kisses him.
I’ll take that as a yes, Aventurine’s mind muses.
It eventually, and sadly, breaks, and Aventurine is left staring at an absolutely infatuated Ratio, one who’s looking at him like he hung the moon and the stars.
“Aventurineeeeeee..”
_________________________________
Ah, so that’s how I got here.
“Ratio, you- we- should go home, you’re drunk.”
“Fineeeeee,” the other groans, huffing a little in disappointment.
Aventurine shoddily attempts to get the two out of there smoothly, but immediately realizes that’s not going to work, so he settles on just shoving him and Ratio out of the booth they’re in, all while he steadies the other man to keep him from falling over.
Fortunately, there is a waypoint close by, so while Aventurine hastily drags Ratio out of the venue like you would any common drunk, there is no one to witness his stupor beyond the unimpressed bartender, who was already closing up shop, and had likely seen this scene play before them no less than a million times.
Good, I think Ratio would actually combust if he woke up tomorrow knowing that people saw him drunk, Aventurine’s relieved mind thinks.
He decides to take them to his house, as that’s where they met up to go out in the first place. The two men soon teleport in front of Aventurine’s front door, something which is met with no response from the drunk doctor.
“Ratio~ we’re home~” he whispers teasingly.
“Yaaayyyy,” the other drawls gleefully, still clinging onto Aventurine’s shoulder.
They stagger inside and Aventurine helps Ratio to the nearest couch, gently dumping the tipsy man onto it.
However, the other refuses to let him out of his grip, clinging desperately onto Aventurine’s arm.
“D-don’t go, please,” Ratio pleads.
He’s so clingy when he’s drunk, it’s adorable.
“I’m not going anywhere, don’t worry Veri’,” Aventurine reassures, sitting beside him on the couch. Ratio responds by grabbing Aventurine and drawing him into an awkward -and admittedly a bit too tight- side hug. However, it’s clear that this is not enough Aventurine to satisfy Ratio’s intoxicated mind, so he shifts, letting go of Aventurine and moving himself to sit on top of the other’s legs, wrapping his arms around Aventurine’s back into a proper embrace this time, and resting his head on Aventurine’s shoulder.
This caused the gambler’s mind to short circuit. On the one hand, this was the best moment of his life, and Aventurine would sooner kill another man than let anyone pull Veritas off him, on the other hand, Ratio’s larger stature resulted in Aventurine being practically unable to move, which made him feel more than a bit trapped, an emotion which he did not enjoy experiencing again.
“Ratio, can you get off of me, please?” Aventurine asked discomfort slipping into his voice a little.
The other lifted his head off of Aventurine’s shoulder and moved backwards a bit, not to fulfill the others request, but instead to stare at him.
“..W-why?” Ratio’s voice slurred out.
“You’re crushing me,” Aventurine admits.
“Hic- oh, sorry,” Ratio responded sadly, and he quickly hopped off of Aventurine, shakily standing on two legs and beginning to stumble his way back towards the door.
Aventurine immediately gets up, and this time he’s the one to cling onto Ratio’s arm.
“I don’t want you to leave,” he says honestly, “that just wasn’t comfortable, that’s all.”
Unfortunately, instead of taking this as reassurance, the dam in Ratio’s hazy mind cracks, and tears begin to leak out of it, streaking down his face.
“Do I make you uncomfortable?” he mumbles.
“Nonono,” Aventurine soothes, “not at all-”
However, it doesn’t seem like Ratio can hear him.
“-I can’t even hug you right, and now I’m messing whatever we have up,” he stutters, “and I’m drunk and crying over nothing and everything feels wrong and it"s all slipping away and I hurt you and-“
“Veritas,” Aventurine says firmly, fortunately receiving Ratio’s attention this time.
“You-“ he pauses, debating over what he should say next to the distraught man, “-there’s nothing wrong with being upset Ratio, I truly meant when I said that nothing about you is shameful, even if you think it is.”
Aventurine moves closer, and gently wipes off some of the tears rolling down Ratio’s face with his free hand.
“Your feelings aren’t going anywhere Veri’, and there’s no outrunning them. I know that everyone, including yourself, has taught you that you have to be extraordinary, that you must be above everything else, even worthy of divinity itself. But you’re still just human..
..everyone cries, everyone misinterprets things, everyone feels embarrassed, everyone makes mistakes, everyone fails, everyone doubts themselves, that’s just a part of life, and there’s nothing wrong with it. You aren’t a disappointment for being a person. There is no shame in being human..”
“.. so just, feel. Cry. I don’t care. I’ve been here a million times, and if you can’t believe that you still have value because of that, then I’ll let you know that I do.”
Ratio completely breaks down, and those barely held back sobs rock his body once more like waves against a shore. However, instead of drowning this time, Veritas managed to stay afloat. He had his anchor, his lifeboat, his ship sailing the stormy waters, the love of his life, Aventurine, wrapping Ratio into a tight embrace.
The depths still threatened to pull him in, to drag him to that familiar watery grave, but as the two of them slowly shuffled to Aventurines room, wrapped in each other’s arms, he did not feel himself being to drown. As they walked through the doors threshold, Ratio did not hear the call of the deep. As they collapsed into the bed, and Ratio buried his head into Aventurine’s shoulder once more, he did not feel the cold water suffocating his throat. As Aventurine pulled him tighter, and dragged the covers over both of them, Ratio did not see the blood and red wine staining his hands when he finally pried his eyes open.
No, all he saw was Aventurine staring right back at him, unflinching as ever.
Ratio clung to him a little tighter.
__________________________________
“Good morning, darling,” Aventurine whispered softly into his ear, laying against his back with his arms holding Ratios torso.
“G’mornin’,” he replied sluggishly, eyes adjusting to the rays of sunlight that streaked through the open windows into Aventurine’s bedroom.
Wait… AVENTURINE’S BEDROOM?
He immediately sat up, eyes widening as he escaped the other’s embrace, and he was about to question the other for answers when it all came flooding back.
The alcohol, the feelings, the kiss, him being drunk, him falling apart, Aventurine putting him back together again.
Oh dear
However, while he was stuck in his thoughts, like always, Aventurine’s gaze never left him, and when Ratio shook himself out of the memories, he felt a warmth spread its way through his chest upon looking back at the gambler.
The other’s eyes shone just as brightly as they did in his memories, and Ratio couldn’t help but wish to recreate some of the other things in those moments as well.
He really does love me for all I am, doesn’t he?
“Kakavasha.”
“Yes, Veritas?”
“Come here.”
Aventurine obliges, and Ratio pulls him into a proper kiss this time, as they lay quietly by the shore, feeling the waves lap against their feet, and the soft ocean sound whisper them to sleep once more.