Chapter Text
“Doctor Stephan Strange,” I start.
“Genius, Neurosurgeon, future Sorcerer Supreme. I know you still don't have any powers but please hear my prayers. Save me from the stupidity of those around me. Amen.”
“Do you ever shut up?” Johnny asked. “Shhhh!” I hiss, “You lost the right to speak when you led the Cultist to us!”
“I didn’t lead them to us!” Blaze countered.
We were both hanging upside down in some gross cave dungeon thingy. “Whatever, Jack Skelington! Couldn’t you keep your dick in your pants for ten more minutes?” I ask.
–
Eight hours earlier
The Ancient One let me know that I didn’t need to pack anything since I’d barely be gone a couple hours. “The demon's name is Satannish, he’s one of Dormammu’s hell lords.” She paused to stare at me when I cracked up.
“Is something funny?” She asked.
“The guys name is Satan-ish?” I ask, “That’s so dumb.” I snorted. With a roll of her eyes she continued, “It’s pronounced Sait-annish” She shot me an exacerbated look when I laughed again.
“All I need you to do is find his residence and place this,” She handed me a carved wooden cylinder with hundreds of tiny runes all over it. “Inside his demon skull trophy, it should be hanging about his bed. He shouldn’t be a threat since he’s in a different hell dimension at the moment.”
“Isn’t it a little morally skewed to send a child into a hell dimension?” I ask, “It’s not like it’s your first trip there Spider-Man.” She commented. “It’s my first trip alone,” I huff. She stilled, “Well.” She smiled, “Not exactly.”
With a flick of her hand the front doors opened and a man clad in leather with a chain wrapped under his arm and across his chest. I guess that answers who Frank fought with.
“Spider-Man, this is Johnny Blaze. He also goes by the alias Ghost Rider.” He was tall, blonde and had little to no wrinkles on his face. He also missed a scar on his neck from a particularly bad fight in a few years. He doesn’t age in the next fifteen years but he does change more or less. It’s always strange to see younger versions of people I know but it’s weirder when they look the same more or less. Logan, Wade, Johnny, hell even Tony. It's always a weird mix of familiarity and distance all rolled into one.
“Nice to meet you,” He held out an arm and I took it. Within seconds his head broke into flames, skin peeling away showing the skull underneath it. Firefulled pits where his eyes should be looked directly into mine.
We stand like that for a few seconds, I can’t move if my life depended on it until he changes back to the rugged blonde he was before.
“Ow, man. What was that for?” I ask, holding my head as a small ache begins to fade as quickly as it’s come. He looked surprised before putting on an apologetic smile. “Sorry, I heard a few rumors that you were eating innocent people.” He explained. Thank fuck he couldn’t see my face.
There were some occasions when the criminal I was questioning was being less than cooperative. They may or may not have woken up in a giant spider web completely swaddled in a cocoon of webbing. I have no idea how that jumped to the conclusion I was going to eat them. I mean the stake knives I was sharpening in their line of sight weren't for them.
“Where do people come up with such weird stories?” I asked and he’d snorted and shrugged. “So you’re helping with the job?” I asked.
“Not really,” He started.
“It’s more like there's a demon we both want dead and I’m willing to kill her.” He explained.
Turning to the ancient one I stared, “I don’t know how else to say this without coming off as really disrespectful but do you ever do your own work?” She knows the future and that we aren’t forced to stick with the script this time. A portal opened behind us as her smile grew frighteningly cool. “Good luck, gentlemen.” She waved us off with not another word.
—-
5 Hours Later.
My job was done. I wanted to take me mask off so I could stop a heat stroke but no dice. There were creatures everywhere. Being in a demonic dimension is basically like being on a different planet.
Don’t touch shit, don’t talk to shit, don’t look at shit.
I usually ignore those rules but I was too tired to fight anymore. The Ancient One's plan had gone up when Satan-ish . heh, arrived home early, and his servant and guards had gone from lazy and passive to vigilant and on guard.
I’d been sitting in this post in the middle of what I think is considered a town here waiting for Johnny. We’d split up upon arrival and we were supposed to meet back here. He’s a heavy hitter, always has been so it’s a little concerning that he isn’t back yet.
I’m able to speak their language because of whatever Baldy did to me but I really didn’t want to. Going up to the least threatening thing in the area I went for it.
“Excuse me,” I started. Also, because I’m a very manly man I didn’t squeal like a mouse on acid when the guy stood up. I didn’t even think he was sitting down. Sitting he was nearly my height. Standing, on the other hand, Colossus would have to be on his tippy toes to kiss him.
“Have you seen a flaming skull man?” I asked and wanted to kick myself because my voice was registering way too high for my liking.
He stared down at me for what felt like minutes. The sweat from the heat intensified as my nerves took over.
“Of course, little lady.” His voice was impossibly low. The deepest cadence I’d ever heard, raising a finger pointed at the scary ass castle two hills over.
“Great.” I sigh, “Thanks.”
—
One hour later
I regret not just leaving him here. My mask is so damp it’s sticking to my face, the wet strands of hair clinking to the back of my neck. My outfit wasn’t helping, if anything it was the worst part.
Having no tech in this literal hell hole I climb to the nearest window and stick my hand to it then start pulling. It wasn’t loud but I really hoped no one was nearby. Scrambling in it was pretty similar to my target's castle.
I’m kind of wondering what the economy is like if everyone had a castle.
There was no way of tracking JB so I figured starting from one side and moving to the other. It was twenty minutes of looking before I heard the chanting. It wasn't the general Demonic tongue because that’s what Baldy said I could understand.
This language was light and breathy rather than the guttural growlings of the other one.
Following the voices I cracked open the door until I saw a room full of thin wiry forms in a circle. I could tell if they were male or female but they weren’t my focus. My focus was the passed out blonde floating in the center.
The longer they continued the higher he went.
I am not a very religious person. I've seen so much it’s at a point where anything could be true and I’ll just do my best and keep it pushing.
Throwing open the door I shot webs at JB and tugged him towards me not very lightly. He wasn’t unconscious just really out of it. Putting him in a fireman's carry I ran like my life depended on it.
The footsteps behind me were keeping up, making a left turn down another hallway I leaped up onto the ceiling. This place has no vents or air conditioning so after the crowd past where we were I hopped back down and entered the first room I saw.
It was a large ancient room with furniture that looked older than Khonsu. Tan and black and gold were the only colors used when decorating.
There was a large chalice on the table next to the couch I later Johnny on. It was full of a clear liquid, putting it up to my lips but not drinking it was close enough for my spider sense to tell him if it was dangerous or not. With nothing letting me know otherwise I assumed it was good. Turning the cup over, Johnny coughed and heaved as the water splashed on his face, entering his nose.
“Yay, you’re awake!” I cheered.
“Where am I? What happened?” He asked, sitting up and wiping his face.
“Evil fairies looking things tried to sacrifice you.” I guessed.
Finally getting his eyes clear and the ability to breath back he looked at me.
I’ve never seen a person's face go from hot rage to uncontrollable laughter so quickly.
“I-” He cut himself off trying to catch his breath. “Why do you-” Another round of laughter room his words.
“Why are you wearing a maids dress!?” He finally managed.
Thank fuck for the mask otherwise he’d see the red covering every inch of my face. I’d stolen a fluffy black dress instead of the guards uniform I was aiming for and didn’t have time to go back with the alarms blaring and all.
“I do drag,” I deadpan.
The dress was very modest and covered my entire suite aside from my mask.
“What the hell are you even doing here? Is this place your demon's house?? I asked.
His ears turned a light shade of pink and he looked at everything in the room but me.
“This is uh-” He mumbled the next part.
“Heh?” I asked.
“My ex's place,” He repeated. I blinked at him, “What about your task?” I asked, “I dealt with him like twenty minutes after I got here.”
My eye was twitching so I'm certain the sensors in my mask were mimicking the movement.
“So you could have help with Satannish?” I asked, trying to maintain a level of calm in my voice.
“He’s way below my pay grade.” Johnny snorted.
“He’s not below mine, Dickhead!” I snapped.
Trying the counting trick Matt always uses with me calmed me down a little bit.
“Let’s leave,” I sigh.
“I need my chain first.” JB announced.
“Where is it?” I asked.
“Ex’s bedroom,” He answered.
“Why is it there?” I asked and silence answered me.
“Dude, I'm judging you so hard right now.”.
“Shut up and stay here,” he huffed. Taking a seat as he left the room I close my eyes
—
Johnny had been gone for maybe thirty minutes and I’m not Mother fucking Teresa. Patience is not my virtue and leaving without him was looking more and more tempting by the second.
Finally gearing to find him the halls were empty and quiet. Hearing light footsteps I hopped to the ceiling in a single bound. It was a servant in the same garb as me. It was nice to know the uniforms were common. Silently landing I made one of those throat clearing noises you use to get someone’s attention.
The maid turned and obviously surveyed me, looking me up and down.
“I’m new, could you direct me to the lady of the house's quarters.” Hoping to all hell all that time May and I’d spent watching Downton Abbey would pay off.
My British accent must’ve been off because she immediately launched herself at me. Ducking, I was still too sore to take any of this seriously. I webbed her to the large window behind her.
I kicked the window once and watched as the glass split under my foot. “Listen lady, tell me where your boss's room is and I won't let you fall to your death.” The way down was long and with the spikes at the bottom she gulped.
“Down the hall, last room on the right side.” She answered.
“Thanks, pal.”
Starting at a fast walk that escalated into a sprint when I heard the screaming. Using the speed from the run I body slammed the door, opening and revealing Johning hanging half naked from the ceiling.
“Are those…leather straps?” I really didn’t want to see any of this. I sensed the danger and before I could even move I was magically lifted and joined Blaze.
“Perfect,” A sing-songy voice chirped, “We needed a virgin.” With a clap of her hand the straps tightened even more than before.
Walking out of her room with a dozen drooling cultists waddling behind her, the door shut.
“Was that Shiklah?” I ask,
“Yeah…”
“Shiklah is your ex.” It was more of a statement than a question.
“Uh-huh.”
“You know she’s engaged right?” I ask, this was objectively hilarious.
“She doesn’t love him.” JB retorts.
“No one loves Drucula. He’s a prick, sleeping with his fiancé is still a messed up man.”
Given that Wade and Skilah got married and I was forced to be a groomsman I think I can talk. I got the watch firsthand the relationship between the two. It was a train wreck, and not to put the blame on her but she did cheat on him with Jack Russell. Then she got back together with Dracula.
Long story short, the worst two months of Wade's life.
—
Present
“How are we getting out of here?” I ask.
“Don’t you have the button?” He asked.
“Yeah…”
He blinked at me.
I blinked at him.
“Press it!” He exclaimed.
“I thought we had to be at the meeting spot!” I complain. “I would’ve left you when I saw the bondage otherwise.”
“It’s not bon- Just press the damn button.”
“As you can see, I CAN’T!” I squirm in the leather, it's in my pocket and even without the dress I wouldn’t be able to reach it. He looks at me like I’m an idiot then just starts to fire up.
His skin turns into a skeleton and everything but his clothes burn off him.
The bastard grabs my sides and yanks me down from the ceiling. “Woah, woah, woah, watch where you're touching!” I yelp as he struggles to find my pockets through the dress. He paused, sighed and dropped me. “Ow!”
“Get the damn button.” He huffed.
–
“How did it g-” The Ancient One turned and stared at my outfit. Her eyes moved from my mask to the dress a few times and pressed her lips together. “Take me home.” I sighed.
She opened a portal and turned, "On the bright side, you finished much earlier than scheduled." She said over her shoulder before leaving.
“See you around Johnny,”
“Yeah you too Spidey.”