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Tuesday
James isn’t worried… not exactly, anyway. He knows how that sounds! But he’s not, he swears. It’s just that Regulus is worried. (Regulus is more than worried. Regulus is halfway to a stay at the Janus Thickey Ward.) And Regulus’ worry has put James on edge. So now James is on edge about shit he’s not even worried about!
There’s a lot that Regulus is worried about. He’s worried James is going to break up with him, he’s worried James is going to fall in love with someone else and then break up with him, he’s worried that Walburga is going to find out about his mobile and then about James and then make Regulus break up with him. Regulus is worried about the numerous ways he’s conjured up them breaking up.
But James isn’t worried. Because James loves Regulus. And James knows that Regulus loves him. And James believes in the power of love because he’s seen it play out time and again with his parents. So James isn’t worried. Not about that. Never about that. He is, however, worried about Regulus being at Grimmauld Place for the entirety of summer with limited ability to contact him and even less ability to spend time with him. James is clingy, he’ll be the first to admit it. But it’s not even just that. It’s… well. Easter hols. He’s trying not to bring it up. He’s not bringing it up. He’s been working doubly hard to make time for practising healing charms but he’s not confident enough yet. He doesn’t want anything to happen to Regulus. Not while he can’t help.
Despite it all, James is very confident in their relationship. He can’t even really say where that confidence has come from. They’ve only been together six months. Sure, they’ve known each other six years but that isn’t enough to base the amount of confidence James has on. He’s sure, though. Regardless, he’s sure. Maybe because, as Regulus has said, James never does anything by halves and when he loves, he loves with everything he has. And James loves Regulus. So he’s sure.
They’re down to a few days before everyone will be heading out on the Hogwarts Express for the year. James has spent every day of the last two weeks practically glued to Regulus’ side. He’d worry about scaring him away if it weren’t for how James’ presence seems to be the only thing that keeps his mind from running away from him.
James wants desperately to go over to the Slytherin table and tuck against his boyfriend’s side. Which is why he’s even looking when the owls arrive with the morning post. He instantly recognises the Black family's Tawny and watches with a grim set to his face as it drops a letter in front of Regulus. James doesn’t usually like to watch Regulus open letters from his parents. Walburga almost always upsets him and the looks on his face make James feel useless. And then angry. And then James is extra useless because he’s angry. So he avoids watching. But there’s something about this morning that forces James' eyes to stay on Regulus.
He’s glad he watches. Regulus breaks the seal and, though James is too far to see it still knows, his eyes scan the parchment quickly. Usually, this is where Regulus fumes and glares and snaps at Barty who’ll ask what’s wrong. This morning is nothing like the rest. This morning is nothing like James has ever witnessed. In no time at all, Regulus hops to his feet, letter clutched in his fist, and storms out of the Hall.
James stares after him for a moment in disbelief. He’s never seen a reaction like this from Walburga’s letters. It’s terrifying. Under normal circumstances, James imagines that Barty would be the one to track Regulus down after something like this. Maybe he’d leave breakfast early, maybe he’d just climb into bed with him once he got to the dorm. But it’s probably, usually Barty’s role to put Regulus back together.
That was before James, though.
James hops to his feet, waving off Sirius’ noise of displeasure, and follows his boyfriend out into the corridors of Hogwarts. He catches up quickly—thank Merlin—because Regulus seems to be so distraught that he’s unsteady on his feet. He doesn’t even notice that James has fallen in step with him. So he uses his knowledge of hidden rooms and hallways to gently grasp Regulus’ hand and tug him into an abandoned classroom.
But now that he’s done it, he’s not sure how to help. Regulus stands frozen where James lets him go save for the occasional shudder. He watches and steps back, sitting down on a stool. James at least knows that he shouldn’t say anything. Regulus needs to be waited out. Regulus needs to come to you. You can’t go to Regulus. Especially not when he’s like this.
So. James waits. Regulus stands in the centre of the room for several long minutes, fists clenched and crumpling the parchment. Then, he moves very slowly to sit on the stool right next to James where he spends another several long minutes just trembling, his eyes flitting all over the floor as if reading the secret of the universe off it. It’s at this point that James chances soft fingers along Regulus’ spine. He tenses and James stops but doesn’t remove his hand. A few seconds later, Regulus relaxes and so he goes back to tracing.
They’re silent for James doesn’t know how long. In fact, he wouldn’t be surprised if the first class of the morning had already started. But it doesn’t matter. Because Regulus looks like he could fall over at any minute. So he waits.
“My mother…” Regulus starts, voice hoarse and crackly. He doesn’t end up finishing whatever that sentence was going to be. “I’m not going to be taking Potions next year.” His face and tone are devoid of emotion, he sounds as if he’s reciting talking points long rehearsed.
James doesn’t understand. “What do you mean? Of course you will. You’re NEWT level this year and next.”
Regulus’ jaw tenses. He watches the way it flexes and relaxes under his soft skin. “She’s found out about Remus’ Wolfsbane. I’m no longer taking Potions next year. Apparently, they’re unnecessary for my high ranking job at the Ministry.” James doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to. Regulus knows. Regulus doesn’t need James to tell him. He knows. “Malfoy told her, it seems.”
James takes a deep breath and promises himself he’ll take care of Lucius later. “Do you know how he figured it out?”
Regulus scoffs and looks at James for the first time this morning. “No. He probably overheard me talking about it with Barty and thought…” He shakes his head, “Salazar, who knows what he thought. Mother doesn’t even like Cygnus. She’d never have his ear enough to convince the man who to marry Narcissa off to.”
He stays quiet for a while longer until he’s certain Regulus doesn’t have anything else that he wants to say. “Do you want to leave?”
He stiffens and his eyes shift to James before back to his lap. “I have nowhere to go, James. We’ve talked about this already.”
James inhales sharply and just barely manages to bite his tongue. He’s fucking ridiculous. “We have.” He agrees blandly, “I remember telling you that you’re more than welcome to stay with me.”
“I don’t want to put anyone out.” Regulus argues but to James it sounds tokenized.
“We talked about this already, love. My parents would be happy to have you. I would be happy to have you.”
Regulus licks his bottom lip to pull it between his teeth. James watches as he tortures the poor thing near bleeding. “But what about when we break up?” The words are quiet and breathy and near-whispered. They break James’ heart. And if James weren’t so head over heels for Regulus and Regulus weren’t so upset right now, he’d be exasperated that Regulus has once again added a new way they’ll break up to his worry pile.
“Why are you saying when and not if?” James asks gently, reaching down to slowly pry Regulus’ fingers open and slip Walburga’s letter from them before placing it on the desk.
“I just know that you’d be better off with someone else.” He mumbles, though he doesn’t pull away when James clasps their hands together and tugs him closer.
James doesn't even know what to do with that. He’s not heard Regulus say something quite like this. What does that mean, he’d be better off with someone else? A million questions start filling his mind and his mouth but now’s not the moment to ask them. “We’re having two conversations right now.” He realises quietly. “I’ll come back to that, Regulus. But my parents would be happy to have you… and regardless of whatever happens with us, both my parents and I will always want you to be safe over anything else.” Regulus doesn’t reply. “Please, baby. Just come stay with me. It’ll make me feel so much better knowing you’re safe.” Still nothing. “Regulus,” James sighs, “I need to know you’re safe, and what better way to do that than have us sleeping in the same house? And if you leave, then you can still take Potions and help Remus, but you won’t have to work in the Ministry. You can do whatever you want if you leave. I want you to be able to do what makes you happy.”
His eyes stay fixed on Regulus’ profile as his boyfriend closes his own eyes. He takes several slow, deep breaths. But then, “How would I leave?”
“Huh?” It catches James by surprise. He’s not sure if he thought he’d have to beg some more or if he just never expected Regulus to entertain the idea, let alone agree or what. But he just wasn’t expecting it.
“Grimmauld Place. How would I leave? It’s not like Mother will let me waltz out the front door with a trunk full of my things.” Regulus turns stormy grey eyes to him and the look in them catches James’ breath.
“I…” James is lost for words, “Does that mean you’ll leave?”
“I’ll leave if my mother doesn’t kill me first, sure.” He drawls awfully sarcastic for a boy who was just worrying about breaking up with his boyfriend.
“Kreacher.” James blurts. He doesn’t want to admit it, but truthfully he and Sirius have often played out scenarios in which they get Regulus out of the Black house. One constant has been Kreacher. Sirius revealed that the elf is, following Sirius’ escape, the only person in Grimmauld Place that he trusts. During their early childhood, Regulus took to their house elf and the relationship between them has baffled Sirius since. But Sirius was also certain that if needed, Kreacher would lay his life down for Regulus. And vice versa, but that doesn’t really help in this case.
Regulus raises an eyebrow, “Kreacher?”
“He… He could apparate you to my house, right?” He’s suddenly unsure if that’s even possible. He knows that Sirius has told him House Elf magic is on a different level and apparating from that distance would be nothing. What if he was wrong, though?
“I…” Regulus stops and looks off to his right, “I suppose he could. I’m not sure of the distance limitations to House Elf apparition.”
“He can apparate you. If not, then… well, I’ll figure something out. I can come get you or–or you could take a cab or–”
“I’m sure Kreacher could apparate me, James. If not all the way then he could stop somewhere and make a second jump.” Regulus interrupts him with a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth.
“Right.” He smiles back even though Regulus wasn’t exactly smiling to begin with. “So you’ll come?”
Regulus takes a deep breath and tilts his head in consideration. “Even though it will be possible for Kreacher to apparate me, I don’t want to put him at risk. If Mother or Father found out…” He doesn’t finish but he does scowl at the floor.
“Free him then.” That’s an easy solution, James thinks. If that’s Regulus’ biggest hang up then fuck him, that’s easy.
“What?”
“Free him. Give him a piece of clothes and free him.” James shrugs.
“I… Can I do that?” Regulus asks, taken aback.
“I don’t see why not. You’re seventeen, Kreacher respects you as Master of the house, and you’re technically still the rightful heir to the Black fortunes. If you give him something, I see no reason why it shouldn’t work.” James assures him.
Regulus opens his mouth but then closes it as his eyebrows furrow. “Has it really been this easy the whole time?” He wonders to himself.
“Getting out is the easy part, baby. Finding a place to stay was the hard part, you said.” He reminds him, leaning against his arm and ducking his head until their eyes meet. Regulus huffs, rolls his eyes, and swats at James but the air around them lightens. “What’re you gonna do about that?” James asks, tilting his chin at the parchment sitting on the table.
He sighs, “I’ll have to write her back. I’m not sure what to say to avoid suspicion.”
“What would you have said, before this?”
“Crucio, or something, probably.” Regulus says it so calmly that James laughs. Then Regulus grins cheekily at him and he realises he said it so James would laugh. And James loves him. And James hasn’t forgotten about Regulus’ comment earlier. But he’ll deal with that when they aren’t dealing with this. “I’ll just tell her that we need to talk about what I’ll take instead next year. She should believe that and it won’t come off as if I’m simply accepting it.”
“Right, good.” He fishes his wand out and casts a quick Tempus. Frowning at the puff of light that arranges itself into the time, he sighs and stands. “All right, my love. We best be off so we can at least make the next class.”
Regulus stands and brushes nonexistent lint from his robes. When their eyes meet, James rolls his very exaggeratedly. Regulus makes an exaggerated face of disdain back before saying, “I don’t have anywhere to be. I’ve a free period before lunch.”
James groans. He takes the letter from the table and Incendio ’s it mid-air before attaching himself to Regulus’ side. “Completely wasted on you, innit? You’ll spend the whole thing in the library! Might as well go to class.” He shakes his head and drags them out to the hallway.
Regulus laughs breathlessly, “That’s what the free period is there for!” He protests.
“For incorrigible swots, sure!” James snarks back with a smile so wide it hurts.
Regulus huffs and tears their hands apart, “Oh fuck off.” He grumbles.
“I really should try to make it to Charms. Flitwick will have my arse if I miss the last class.” James tells him reluctantly.
He smiles up at James, “You’d best be off then.” But he knows what he’s doing. And James knows he knows what he’s doing. And so James shouldn’t reward his coy little behaviour. And yet…
James swoops down and kisses him. He grabs him by the waist and tugs him close and presses their lips together because he just has to taste him. Regulus isn’t even surprised, he just wraps his arms around James’ neck and pulls roughly to bring him even closer. And damn it all to hell, Regulus knows what he’s doing. When they break away—Regulus breaks away, James chases his lips—he’s smirking and far too pleased.
“Oh… fuck right off, Regulus!” He whines and goes to stomp away.
His boyfriend catches his hand to stop him. When their gazes meet, he confesses shyly, “I love you.”
Any and all exasperation melts. “I love you too, Reggie.” Regulus smiles so prettily. “Godric, I love you so much.”
—
Thursday
[ 18:01 ] James Potter
[ 18:01 ] Why have I been added to another group chat??
[ 18:02 ] Irrelevant
[ 18:02 ] No it’s not???
[ 18:03 ] We just want to make sure Regulus is telling the truth.
[ 18:03 ] What did Regulus say?
[ 18:04 ] It’s probably true.
[ 18:05 ] Also who is this and 020 8864 6465?
[ 18:06 ] That he’s finally moving out.
[ 18:06 ] That he’s leaving Grimmauld Place.
[ 18:06 ] That he’s escaping Walburga’s evil clutches
[ 18:06 ] that he’s bravely standing up for himself!
[ 18:07 ] Yes.
[ 18:08 ] To all of it.
[ 18:08 ] Also, seriously, who the fuck is 020 0075 8434 and 020 8864 6465?
[ 18:09 ] Dorcas.
[ 18:10 ] pandora
[ 18:10 ] Great thanks
[ 18:12 ] How’d you manage to convince him?
[ 18:13 ] I don’t really think I did much. I just told him I want him to be safe and offered for him to move in with me.
[ 18:13 ] You waited until NOW to offer??
[ 18:14 ] NO obviously not. I offered over Christmas Hols but he said he’d think about it. I kinda begged him though… he finally gave in after that.
[ 18:16 ] i think regulus considers waiting until the last moment the safest way to avoid making the wrong decision
[ 18:16 ] Thanks for the psychoanalysis of our best friend Dora
[ 18:17 ] oh anytime <3
[ 18:18 ] Wait.
[ 18:18 ] Where is Regulus if you’re all texting me?
[ 18:20 ] Don’t worry your pretty little head about that James.
[ 18:20 ] Is he okay?
[ 18:33 ] Hello??
[ 18:47 ] Did you lose my boyfriend???
—
Summer Hols: The First Day
The days leading up to James boarding the Hogwarts Express for the last time are full of whiplash-inducing emotions. The moment James had made it to Charms Tuesday morning he was interrogated by his friends about his previous whereabouts. But James and Regulus hadn’t discussed letting anyone know what they’d planned. (By anyone James is, of course, talking about Sirius specifically.) So he’d kept quiet the bulk of his and Regulus’ conversation until he could speak with Regulus. Who then told James not to breathe a word of it to Sirius.
Initially, James had been upset about having to promise he wouldn’t say anything. He hates lying to Sirius, especially about something as monumental as his baby brother finally escaping Grimmauld Place. But when Regulus had explained it was because he didn’t want anything Sirius said to change his mind… well, James was much more accommodating. That isn’t to say that James knows what on Earth Sirius could possibly say to change Regulus’ mind. But their relationship is baffling at the best of times. So he’s kept it quiet. Because he’d rather Sirius be fuming at him than Regulus stay stuck with Walburga and Orion. He imagines Sirius will see it that way as well.
Regulus’ friends have been ecstatic since he confirmed the truth of the I’m leaving Grimmauld Place to live with James allegations. He’s been added to another group chat which, honestly, they’re getting hard to keep track of. He’d bet good Galleons on the chance that he’ll be added to another that includes all of Regulus’ friends and the boy himself. James loves it. He loves being so tightly intertwined with Regulus that his friends are slowly becoming James’ friends.
Over the last few days, James had been on the receiving end of so much love. Barty had come up nearly every time he caught sight of James to sling an arm around his neck or grab his shoulders and grin or pat him on the back or hug him. The hugging was one time and James is still reeling. He knows Barty’s tactile, he’s seen him and Regulus together of course he knows. But shit, it’s jarring to suddenly be touched so often by his boyfriend’s best mate. Dorcas spent a lot of time smiling at him, stopping him in the corridors to ask how his day was going, offering to help him in any of their shared Gryffindor/Slytherin classes. Pandora would wiggle her fingers at him in greeting whenever she saw him, text him randomly throughout the day to send him good energy, and even sat next to him in the library the one time he was there without Regulus. Even Evan had said hello to him in the halls. His popularity with the Slytherins (and one Ravenclaw) increased exponentially overnight.
James hadn’t needed any encouragement from them to take Regulus in though. He’s been walking on cloud nine since Tuesday. Every time he’s seen Regulus since then has been a test in his ability to stay still and not jump him. He just can’t wait. He can’t wait for Regulus to move in. He can’t wait for early mornings in the kitchen and Regulus telling him about the book he’s reading and sneaking kisses when no one’s looking and watching as many films as James can convince him to sit through and hopefully having a cuddle on a blanket in the backyard as they watch the stars. They’re basically getting to live together for free. There’s none of the awkward is it too soon to ask or the anxious what if I push him away by asking. James can’t wait.
James is bloody terrified. He wants it so badly he’s afraid he’s going to somehow want it too badly and it’ll disappear. He’s afraid that Regulus will talk himself out of it once he gets home. He’s afraid that Regulus will walk through the doors of Grimmauld Place and whatever has kept him there for the last seventeen years will override his desire to get out. He’s afraid that Regulus will be afraid of moving in with James because it’s too soon and therefore it’s too risky. He’s afraid that Regulus isn’t confident in their relationship and that insecurity will lead to gritting his teeth and toughing it out with his parents.
He’s hopeful it won’t go that way. James knows that the security and surety he has in their relationship and the love between them isn’t necessarily something Regulus has though. To James, this doesn’t feel new. They don't feel as tentative as a six-month long relationship probably should. Of course, he’s always jumped eye closed, both feet first so it’s not exactly surprising that James isn’t second guessing anything. He just hopes that his confidence is enough for the both of them.
The train ride home is rough. James spends the entire trip nervously bouncing his leg much to the chagrin of the rest of the cabin. Sirius bitches multiple times, threatening to hex the damn thing off if he doesn’t stop. Peter asks him maybe ten times if he’s all right and if he should text Regulus to come here to settle him down. Remus just watches him curiously as if he might be able to see straight into James’ mind if he just looks hard enough. But in the end, James doesn’t stop his anxious tic, Sirius keeps bitching, Peter asks a total seventeen times if he’s sure he’s okay, Remus eyes him suspiciously until the train stops at the station, and they all part ways with promises to see each other tomorrow (because the Marauders are nothing if not codependent) and no answer to James’ behaviour.
Sirius forgets all about James once they walk through the doors of the Potter family home. His mum is sitting on the sofa with her feet up in his dad’s lap while she reads Witch Weekly. His dad is dutifully massaging his mum’s feet while something plays at a low volume on the wireless. And you’d think that Sirius hasn’t seen them in years with the way he exclaims happily and rushes into the sitting room to join them. Fleamont and Euphemia both are aware of Regulus’ plan to join them later that evening and are also aware of it being a secret from Sirius. So they exchange knowing glances with James and jump into entertaining Sirius that way he can focus on fixing up a room.
Only a couple hours later, James is sitting on the floor of his bedroom unpacking his trunk and folding the clothes he’d crumpled just that morning in his rush to leave. He’s just finished and standing when the telltale crack of apparition makes his hair stand on end. In front of him is Regulus, wide-eyed and flushed, hand-in-hand with an elf that must be Kreacher. He really is as decrepit as Sirius said, James thinks.
Before he can even really process that not only did Regulus follow through but he’s early and in James’ bedroom and the door is closed, Regulus huffs and turns a stern glare to his elf. “Kreacher!” He scolds.
Kreacher looks up at his master and crosses his arms, “What? Kreacher be doing what Master Regulus has asked.”
It’s almost comical the twin expressions of indignation on their faces. James hadn’t realised—and he’s not sure why because Sirius has already told him such is the case—how close Regulus and Kreacher are. The fact that the house elf even feels comfortable enough to look at Regulus that way is incredible.
“I asked you to take me to James!” Regulus reminds, irritated and mirroring the elf’s defensive posture.
“Master Regulus be standing in front of James Potter. Kreacher took Master Regulus to James Potter as Master Regulus be asking.” Kreacher looks at James and makes no effort to hide the disdain in his huge eyes.
Regulus glances at James, the bed behind him, the closed door, and then back at Kreacher, “Do you think I’m a slag, Kreacher?” He hisses and plants his hands on his hips so he can lean down and stare pointedly into his eyes.
“Kreacher be thinking no such things about Master Regulus!” He sounds utterly scandalised at the insinuation as well.
James laughs. He doesn’t mean to, honest, but he can’t help it. Both master and elf turn twin glares on him and he laughs even harder. “It’s all right, Reggie.” He assures once he’s caught his breath. Regulus straightens up and eyes him hesitantly. “I mean it. Here, pass me your trunk.” James holds out a waiting hand.
Regulus does so and watches curiously as he opens it up. James takes out a scarf that looks fairly old and assumes this is the scarf he wants to give his elf. “Oh,” Regulus breathes and takes the fabric slowly. He bites his lip and then turns to Kreacher.
The elf looks between the scarf and Regulus a couple times before he begins wailing. James should’ve known. “Master Regulus cannot be freeing Kreacher. Kreacher will never be leaving Master Regulus, Kreacher refuses!” He grabs his ears and uses them to cover his face as he continues to cry.
“Kreacher!” Regulus hisses, “Knock it off! You must take this or who knows what Mother will do to you.”
“Kreacher be not leaving Master Regulus even if Master Regulus be trying to force Kreacher.” The elf continues ranting.
“Um…” James interjects slowly. Both of them turn to look at him. “Well, you could always go work at Hogwarts, Kreacher.”
“What?” Regulus asks, his eyebrows drawing together.
“It’s… if you don’t want to leave Regulus, you can always go work at Hogwarts. I know he won’t be there for a couple months, but… it’s better than nothing, right?” He hopes he isn’t mucking this up. Maybe that’s not even what’s bothering Kreacher about the whole thing. Maybe he just really loves working for House Black, who the fuck knows?
“Oh,” Regulus looks down at Kreacher who is meeting his eyes with hope, “well of course, you should do that, Kreacher. No one knows how to clean my robes quite like you do. It’s always horrific when I have to go back to Hogwarts, really.”
To James, that sounds ridiculous and he doesn’t know why on Earth that would convince any house elf, let alone Regulus’ favourite. Of course, James is an idiot and doesn’t know anything because Kreacher falls all over himself in his haste to accept Regulus’ scarf. “Kreacher be looking forward to taking care of Master Regulus while he is at Hogwarts for his seventh year. Kreacher is being Master Regulus’ house elf once he graduates from Hogwarts.”
Regulus grins, “Of course. Who else could make my favourite curry as well as you?”
Kreacher gasps and throws himself at Regulus. James has no idea what’s happening but Regulus seems to be expecting it, so he kneels down and wraps the elf in a hug. Oh. Well. That’s very sweet. This side of Regulus James has never seen. It feels like a true tragedy. That’s fine, he thinks, I’ll get to see it endlessly once he graduates and we live together. “Kreacher be leaving for Hogwarts now. Kreacher will miss Master Regulus.” The house elf tells him genuinely.
“I’ll see you very soon, Kreacher. Only a couple months.” Regulus promises before he disapparates.
As soon as he’s gone, James sweeps him up into a hug. “Godric, I missed you so much.” He confesses into his curls.
Regulus laughs and pushes him off, “You saw me this morning, James.”
It’s really unfortunate for Regulus that James knows him so well. He’s completely unable to fool him with minced words and blank expressions. Because while Regulus’ mouth says you saw me this morning, James , Regulus’ eyes say I missed you, too. “I’m glad you’re here.” James replies, ignoring his attempts at dissuasion, “I was worried you might change your mind.”
Regulus’ eyebrows draw together. He’d been looking around the room halfheartedly, gaze jumping from one random knick knack to another, but at James’ statement he looks concerned. “What do you mean? Why would I change my mind?”
He swallows thickly and moves to sit on the edge of his bed. Regulus watches and, when James holds out an encouraging hand, joins him. He sits a bit further away than James would have liked, but to be fair they’re alone in his bedroom. “I thought you might talk yourself out of it.”
“Why would I do that?” Regulus’ face drops into cold neutrality.
“Don’t do that.” James scoots closer and draws his hand into his lap, squeezing tightly. “Don’t look at me like that, baby.”
“What are you talking about, James?” He does look a little irritated with James though so he’ll take it.
“I thought you might try to find a reason not to come. Because sometimes you worry quite a bit about things that I don’t think are a problem.”
Regulus straight scowls now, “What the fuck are you on about?”
“It’s not too soon, I don’t think it’s too soon for you to be here. It’s not an imposition, I don’t think it’s an imposition for you to be here, my parents don’t think it’s an imposition for you to be here.” He says instead of telling him directly.
“I…” Regulus trails off and looks away, glaring at a rumpled jumper James has strewn about his floor. “Whatever.” He grumbles in the end.
James grins and presses their sides together. “Do you remember what I said Tuesday?”
He’s not exactly looking forward to this conversation. He’s happy to have it. He knows they need to have it. But Regulus is… Regulus. Getting him to open up can be like pulling teeth. And he needs them both to open up.
Regulus frowns, “What?” He asks after a moment of consideration and his eyes have slid back James’.
“That I was going to come back to that second conversation we were having.”
Immediately his demeanour shifts. It’s endlessly fascinating, the way Regulus has perfected the cold, indifferent pureblood persona and can slip in and out of it as he pleases. Though, James would very much prefer if he never saw it again. “I don’t–”
“Regulus.” James cuts him off before he can say something ridiculous. His boyfriend takes his hand back to cross his arms defensively. And despite himself, James has to bite back a smile. It’s far too cute. “What have I done to make you think I could ever want anyone but you?”
“It’s not about that.” He protests immediately, eyes widening at the insinuation that James has done anything wrong.
“It’s about that for me, love. I want to know what I’m doing to make you–”
“No.” He interrupts firmly. “You’ve done nothing wrong.” James stays quiet and waits him out. He fidgets with fingers as he twists his hands together in his lap, eyes downcast and avoiding James’ at all cost. “I… know that there are better people out there than me.” He wants to stop Regulus, to tell him that, for James, there is no one better. He also knows that’s not helpful right now. Regulus needs to say his piece before he loses all momentum and never tries again. “I’m a–a coward. Sirius has always said so. I’m a Slytherin, it took me two extra years to leave my home, my family has only ever taught me to not say what I mean, my two best friends are from pureblood supremacist households, and I…” Regulus’ eyebrows furrow and he looks genuinely upset about whatever he’s going to say, “I’m Sirius’ younger brother.”
James almost laughs. Thank fucking Merlin he doesn’t. Regulus would AK him immediately, no questions asked. But of all the things “wrong” with him that he listed, the worst seemed to be that he’s Sirius’ younger brother. James remains quiet for another few seconds until he’s sure that there’s nothing else to be said. “Reggie…” The name leaves his lips like a prayer. “Sweetheart, nothing about what you’ve just said has anything to do with your value or why I’m with you. You’re a Slytherin? Okay, I’m a Gryffindor. Next.”
Regulus lets out a very breathy, very tightly contained giggle and he turns his head. So James keeps going. “It took you two extra years to leave your home… extra for who? There’s no timeline for which a person is expected to leave their abusive parents. Sure, Sirius left two years ago… what does that have to do with you? Next.” He makes another airy sound and James almost stops just to kiss him for it. “Your family encouraged you to hide how you feel. Okay? Mine encouraged me to embrace it. You’re barely seventeen, you’ve got decades to unlearn that. Next. Your best friends’ families are arseholes. Great! My best friend’s family is a terror and drove both their sons away. Next.”
For this, James brings a slow hand up to run through Regulus’ hair. He wants to see his face when he addresses this last part. Regulus holds out on him enough that he worries he might have to reach out and physically move his head so they’re looking at each other. But just at the last moment, he turns nervous eyes and a bitten bottom lip onto James. “Regulus. I know you’re Sirius’ younger brother. My love for you, my feelings for you, they’re independent of him. You’re hardly Sirius’ younger brother to me. You’re always my boyfriend. Your relatives have very little to do with this. You being my best mate’s younger brother is not the fatal flaw you think it is. It’s… well, honestly, it’s a bit irrelevant to me.”
“That can’t be true, James, don’t be silly.” Regulus argues immediately.
“I’m not being silly. It is true.” James watches as the words register and he still fights their truth. “Why am I supposed to care about it?”
“Well… because he’s your best friend. Your brother.” Regulus blinks quickly at his thighs as if the word is painful, “You might have to choose between us. Or he might have to choose between you and me. It would be much simpler if you were to date someone who isn’t related to any of your friends.”
“We’re already dating. Even if we were to break up right now, don’t you think there’d be a bit of that needing to choose business you’re worried about? Also, I’ve already witnessed a couple of the infamous Black brother rows. I’ve never felt like I had to choose between you two. Because you’re my boyfriend, he’s my best mate, and you both understand the relation I have to the other. I don’t feel like I need to choose because you never make me choose. And as much of a drama queen as Sirius is, he’s never made me choose either. Regulus,” James calls to him and waits until their eyes have met, “I don’t care that Sirius is your brother. I care about how you make me feel. You’re so smart you managed to make Potions understandable to me. You’re funny. There’s not a day that goes by where we aren’t laughing together. You’re sarcastic and witty, always making snide comments under your breath or sending them to me throughout the day. You’re caring, and not just for me. You’ve been working with Dad on Wolfsbane for Remus, you keep Barty sane, you take Pandora seriously no matter what she says, you’re always there for Dorcas no matter when she calls you, and you look after Evan just as much as he looks after you. You even had me apologise to Snape for fuck’s sake because you knew he was hurt. You are the loveliest person I’ve had the pleasure to know. And I refuse to let you speak ill of the man I love.”
Regulus rolls his eyes and James knows it’s because he doesn’t want James to see the effect his words have on him. “You’re the soppiest person I’ve ever known.”
He laughs and wraps himself around his boyfriend. He squeezes him tight and close, inhaling deeply the smell of Regulus’ stupid posh shampoo and stupid expensive cologne and everything that makes him Regulus. “I can’t help it. I’m in love.”
He scoffs and shakes his head and James just holds him tighter until Regulus relaxes completely and is holding him back. “Yes, well.” It’s all James expects to hear from him regarding this. He knows that the conversation is done for now. He knows that he’ll have to remind Regulus time and again that it’s the truth and his feelings haven’t changed. And he knows it’ll all be worth it. Because it’s not a chore to love Regulus loudly. “I’m also in love, in case you were curious.”
James laughs. Unbridled, unrestrained, pure joy laughter. This is why it’s worth it. The pockets of courage that continue to grow. James will foster them until Regulus feels comfortable and safe enough to say things like this whenever he wants. “I know you are, my love.” He rubs his cheek against Regulus’ temple where it’s pressed. “But it’s always nice to hear it.”