Chapter Text
✧˖° 🍦 🫧 ❀
It’s Donghyuck’s birthday and, even though there’s still one more week of exams, they all pile into the car and set off, singing along to the radio with the windows down and the afternoon sun pouring in through the windscreen.
Chenle rests his head on the window, lets the seatbelt dig into his neck, and sniffs. To his right, Renjun is the only other member of the family not singing; even Jeno’s lips move along to the song, corners of his mouth twitching into the faintest of smiles.
Donghyuck hits a high note, and Chenle flinches. His head thumps, foggy and scalp tight over his head like the caps he used to have to wear for swimming lessons as a kid, and he blames it on dehydration. He knows it’s from the restriction, though. And the purging. His dinner has resurfaced every night for a week now, and he runs his tongue over his teeth to check if the enamel is wearing away, although he already knows it is.
He fears it won’t be long until his parents find out again.
They’re going out for dinner at Donghyuck’s favourite hot pot place. It’s the family’s go-to restaurant so Chenle knows what to expect. He knows what to order, and everyone else knows what he’s going to order, too. Yet, once they’re settled around a table, the hanging light feels like he’s under police interrogation and Johnny leans over from where’s he’s sat opposite to ask what he’s going to pick. He says what everyone else wants, and if he would like to add anything to their order.
He chews his lip. Then shakes his head and closes the menu, pulling his jumper sleeves over his hands even though his cheeks flame hot.
Their drinks arrive. They all clink glasses, Mark makes a cheesy toast that has Donghyuck rolling his eyes, and Johnny ruffles his hair and pinches his cheeks as Taeyong pulls him into a side hug.
“My babies are all growing up!” Taeyong exclaims. He’s had one sip of his beer and his cheeks are already pink. Johnny agrees and fills a glass from the water jug for his husband.
“When can I start my driving lessons?” Donghyuck asks next.
After weeks of discussion, their parents have agreed to pay for driving lessons. They explained he’d have to save for a car himself, but Donghyuck just wants to learn, he says now, to get on the road and drive girls around with the windows down and sunglasses on.
“Girls?” Jaemin repeats, head tilted to the side. There’s a glint in his eye, mischief in his smirk. Mark doubles over with laughter and punches Donghyuck’s side, making the boy scowl in response. Everyone laughs out loud, and Chenle blinks slowly.
The smell of hot pot is warm, homely, familiar as it fills every corner of the restaurant when he gets up to go to the bathroom. He leaves their laughter behind and weaves between the tables. He ignores the stares of an elderly couple, breezes straight past a group of boys his age, then enters the bathroom and locks himself in a cubicle.
He sits on the toilet lid and breathes out, shaky. It’s just a meal. With his family. For a birthday. But he threw up the waffles they had for breakfast, then the cake that Renjun and Jaemin (Taeyong) so lovingly made, and his ears were ringing while Donghyuck unwrapped his presents.
Jaemin gifted a shimmering eyeshadow palette, wrapped up in pink with a silver bow on the top that Donghyuck pouted about having to undo. Jeno gave him a box set of DVDs Chenle had never heard of, but Donghyuck smothered the boy to say thank you. Renjun painted a card himself, and filled a box with his favourite snacks, while Mark splurged to buy him some little black boots with heels he knew he’d had his eye on.
And Chenle… forgot. Well, he didn’t forget. He just never found the time or energy to go get him a present, not when each day has been wrapped in cotton wool so soft it slips through his fingers without him even realising until he collapses into bed. Taeyong saved him by ordering a t-shirt Donghyuck had asked for on his behalf – not even asking for the money – and Chenle wrote the card he was given to go alongside it. When Donghyuck hugged him thank you, the warmth Chenle felt seemed like a mockery, and it didn’t last long enough.
He forgot, and Donghyuck had been wriggling with excitement all month about his birthday, never letting anyone forget amongst the craze of exams, and for once Chenle thinks it might just be all too much.
He can see why Jisung didn’t want to stay.
Maybe it wasn’t because of him. Maybe everything was just too busy in their home, too loud, everyone always having something to say.
Chenle rips off a few sheets of toilet paper and scrunches them in his fist. His own exams start the week after next, as soon as his brothers finish theirs. He doesn’t’ know the last time he opened a revision book, or even handed in a piece of homework. School is daze of hunger, coldness, and teachers’ voices that go in one ear and out the other, everything a total muddle. He closes his eyes, and immediately his mind fills with images of himself shoving his fingers down his throat. His nails would scrape his tongue, his teeth would graze his knuckles, and his body would convulse and shake as sweat trickles on his forehead and finally, finally…
“Chenle?”
Johnny’s here. Chenle stands up, flushes the toilet, and exits the cubicle with as much nonchalance as he can. He washes his hands, not daring to meet Johnny’s gaze through the mirror.
“Chenle,” Johnny says again. “Are you alright? You’ve been gone quite a while. The food arrived ten minutes ago.”
“I’m okay,” Chenle says. He wipes his hands over his jeans and smiles up at his dad. Johnny smiles back. “Let’s get back to the party.” Johnny chuckles as he follows him to their table, and there’s already a bowl of food in his place.
Chenle eats slowly, on autopilot, but he reminds himself it’s good that he’s eating. It’s comfort food, he remembers halfway through the meal. What he grew up eating. It warms the chill in his bones, softens the tension in his eyes and he starts to join in with the conversation.
They all avoid the topic of exams, and they instead talk about the upcoming summer. Taeyong wants to go to the beach, so Johnny says he’s up for driving them all down south. Cornwall, perhaps. Or Devon. Jaemin suggests Korea, to which Donghyuck starts begging to visit Jeju, the island he’s wanted to visit his entire life and now is the time and pretty please it’s my birthday. Taeyong drops his head to Johnny’s shoulder and giggles, so clearly tipsy by now, and says they’ll have to see about going abroad.
Which means no, Mark reminds Donghyuck, but they all start making in depth plans while Johnny kisses Taeyong’s head and feeds him some more beef.
Chenle, staring into his own bowl of rice, wonders if he could get away with wearing thick jeans and a baggy jumper to the beach.
✧˖°
His brothers finish their exams, and then, before he can open a textbook, it’s Chenle’s turn to stare at a maths exam paper with his head in his hands.
The numbers blur in and out of focus, as though he were underwater, and he thinks he might as well be underwater because he can’t breathe. His throat burns, his mouth is dry, his head floats, the corners of his eyes sting with tears. He keeps his head down, pen in his grip, afraid to look up. He can still catch the clock in the corner of his eyes. The red, digital numbers seem to be moving faster and faster, the minutes slipping away with each wave of panic that rushes through him.
He has extra time. Plus a rest break allowance.
Pride has always stopped him from using either.
But, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath, Chenle thinks now might be a good time to be a little kinder to himself, and to accept the help.
The corridor is packed after the exam. They have to wait at their seats as the invigilators let them go one row at a time, reminding them to be quiet because they are still under exam conditions and some students are still writing.
Chenle didn’t bother to use his extra time. He didn’t have a clue how to answer at least a third of the questions, a few others he got halfway through then either got stuck or gave up, and when his pen ran out he took that as a sign to just put it down and give up. So much for being kinder to himself.
He pushes past his classmates who are all asking each other what they got for question seventeen, question five, and that really hard question with the weird triangles.
He grabs his bag, slings it over his shoulder, and pushes through the double doors out into the courtyard. Sitting on a bench under the oak tree, he wishes he had listened to his parents and missed out on the exams, given himself another break.
It doesn’t take long for Jisung to arrive.
“Hey,” he says, and Chenle’s eyebrows rise up his forehead as he’d forgotten how deep Jisung’s voice is. In the sunlight, and perhaps because it’s the first time he’s properly seeing his face for weeks, the roundness of his cheeks and the anxious twisting of his fingers don’t match the scratchy voice at all, yet somehow that only makes Jisung more attractive.
“Hi,” Chenle replies. He scoots over on the bench to make space for Jisung to sit beside him.
There’s a silence for a minute. Neither asks about the exam. Chenle wants to ask about Jisung’s new foster parents, if there’s been any talk of adoption, but he doesn’t want to push it. And that’s not what they’re meeting for, anyway.
Because Chenle has, for once, listened to Yizhuo’s advice.
“So…” Chenle starts, but trails off.
It all suddenly feels so stupid. So childish. And self-centred of him to take an innocent comment from Jisung so personally, and he bites his tongue to stop himself. He doesn’t know where to start. The words he spent half the night practicing are gone, like the solutions to most of the maths paper, and then tears are in his eyes all over again and he feels so pathetic.
“I’ve missed you,” Jisung says.
“Oh,” Chenle says. He didn’t mean to. It just slipped out, more of a noise of surprise than anything else, and he swallows, throat still tight. “Oh,” he says again, a little brighter. “Really? But I was so rude to you.”
“It’s okay,” jisung says. He smiles now, meeting Chenle’s gaze before looking away, hunching his shoulders as some kind of protection. “I’m sorry for upsetting you. I shouldn’t have… I… I shouldn’t have just offloaded all that onto you without asking. Or mentioned… food stuff. I’m sorry.”
His voice is thick with something Chenle only identifies as concern when Jisung looks at him again, brows furrowed. Chenle’s own brow creases into a frown because he doesn’t know how to respond, besides a meek apology that Jisung only nods at.
It’s not quite going to plan, but at least Jisung isn’t shouting or hissing insults at him. So perhaps it’s going better than expected.
Chenle sits up straighter, pulls his bag close to his stomach and hugs it tight, then tries again as he kicks his feet like a kid in a highchair.
He can’t let the mental illness hold him back anymore.
“Look,” he says. His heart beats too fast and a spell of dizziness blankets his head, so he has to pause to blink and breathe before continuing. “Look, Jisung. I… I really like you. I’m sorry for being so moody, and for taking things personally. But, you know… with my… eating disorder,” saying the words still feels like a crime, and the crack in his voice makes him blush, “my brain twists peoples’ words. I’m obsessed with my weight and how I look, but I’m not… it’s not just selfishness. It’s… it’s… it’s…”
“It’s more complicated than that,” Jisung finishes for him.
Chenle nods, avoiding his gaze in case his notice the flush on his cheeks. Even now, he’s worrying if his hair looks okay, if he’s bright red in the face, if he should suck in his stomach just a tad more.
“Yeah,” Chenle says. He breathes out and sits back. He looks at Jisung now, and Jisung smiles back. Silence resumes, but their eye contact is like a shock of electricity up Chenle’s spine, making him shudder then stiffen, unable to pull away. It’s tense, but a good kind of tense. Chenle’s heart beats in his ears.
“I’ve been reading,” Jisung says. “I realised I shouldn’t have said what I said. But I’m not very good with social… stuff. That’s not an excuse!” He sits up and stares harder at Chenle, then looks fiercely away as though only just realising he was staring. “That’s not an excuse. I’m just saying that, um, since I was quite isolated before moving to yours… I sometimes stay stuff I shouldn’t and half the time I just don’t speak because I don’t know what to say at all so then I just panic and blurt out anything but I’m really, really sorry. I’m really sorry. I know I upset you, but I never apologised to you. I wasn’t comparing our eating habits at all. I genuinely wanted advice from you. I admired you, actually. I thought…” his adam’s apple bobs when he swallows, and he goes back to fiddling with his fingers. “I thought, well, I still think, I think you’re really strong. And I admired you for that. I wanted to get better from my past, too. I thought you might be able to help me, but I get that it was insensitive to ask and I’m really sorry and-“
Chenle reaches for Jisung’s hand, intertwines their fingers and pulls his hand onto his lap, making Jisung lean forward. It’s an impulse, and once their faces are close he doesn’t know what to do and his mind blanks, Jisung’s expression just as surprised. But Jisung doesn’t move away, his lips still slightly parted from his ramble. Bitten from stress. But still round and glistening in the sunlight.
Chenle leans in, and kisses Jisung’s cheek, just next to the corner of his lips.
“Jisung. It’s alright. I forgive you. Do you forgive me, too?”
Jisung nods. “Yes,” he says. “Yes.”
“Good. Are we… can we be friends again?” Chenle asks. His cheeks are definitely red. So are Jisung’s, Chenle is afraid he messed up until Jisung kisses his cheek back, so fast Chenle doesn’t realise what happened until Jisung is looking down at the ground and his skin prickles with excitement.
They’re still holding hands; the word ‘friends’ rings through Chenle’s head like an alarm and he wishes he’d had the guts to confess properly, but the adrenaline of a failed exam still pulses through him and his heart hurts now – it still won’t slow down – and Chenle fears he might pass out again.
That would be extremely unromantic. Passing out right after confessing.
Or perhaps that would make it even more romantic. Jisung would catch him, carry him to the nurse’s office, hold his hand, waiting for him to wake up, spending night after night in the hospital room waiting for him to wake up…
“Chenle?”
Chenle blinks. Lets go of their hands and goes back to hugging his bag.
“Chenle, are you alright?” Jsiung asks.
“I think I failed the exam,” Chenle replies. Now he’s back to thinking about the exam. The numbers. The sweat on his palms as he tried to muffle his racing breaths. The red clock digits laughing at him for two hours.
Jisung’s speaking again, but Chenle can’t hear exactly what he’s saying. Only the faint approximation of his voice; deep, smooth, worried.
The corners of his vision fade to black and his head pulses with too many thoughts and not enough oxygen and he realises he’s so, so hungry. He shouldn’t have thrown up his breakfast. Or his dinner the night before. How could he hold Jisung’s hand and kiss his cheek when his own fingers have been shoved countless times down his throat, covered in spit and vomit and his own pitiful tears?
Someone’s calling his name. He doesn’t know who it is anymore, but he hopes it’s Jisung, and he never finds out because everything turns black.
✧˖°
Donghyuck charges up the stairs, swings round the banister and knocks on Mark’s door. Rocking on his heels, he looks at the excerpt of an old Spiderman comic taped to the door and calls out the boy’s name when he doesn’t reply.
“Markie?” He sings out again. Then, more concerned, “Mark?”
“Go away.” It’s muffled, as though smothered by a pillow and choked out around a knot of sadness and despair, and when Donghyuck opens the door he realises it’s just that.
“Mark? What happened?” Donghyuck stays in the doorway a moment, frozen with panic of what to do because Mark never breaks down like this, not in front of him at least, and Mark’s his oldest brother and always so put together and tidy. But now, his room looks like an actual bomb went off. He tells Mark so, and Mark curls into a tighter ball.
He’s facing the wall so Donghyuck can’t see his expression, but his body trembles and there’s only so much he can do to muffle his sobs.
“Mark,” Donghyuck says, softly this time, and crosses the room to sit on his bed.
The sheets are decorated with Spiderman comic scenes and Donghyuck usual laughs at them when he invites himself into the room to annoy his favourite sibling just because. Now, he just sits and taps his fingers on his lap. He doesn’t know what to do.
“You never listen to me, do you?” Mark says. He finally rolls onto his back, rubs his face with his hands and finally drops them to stare at Donghyuck. He tries to be stern but fails, and Donghyuck just knows he’s happy to see him inside; Mark would just never admit to it.
Then, Mark rolls his eyes as he sits up against the headrest. He pats the spare space beside him and Donghyuck shuffles up the bed to join him, their legs spread out long. Their toes knock together, and Mark flinches away. Donghyuck lays his legs over Mark’s so the boy is trapped in place.
“Whatever,” Mark grumbles, but there’s a tiny smile on his lips as he leans his head back and shuts his eyes.
Donghyuck takes the chance to look at his face. Dark circles under his eyes, like weights dragging the life out of him. Dry, chapped lips. He hasn’t shaved for a few days. And his eyes and cheeks are red and puffy, so obviously irritated from recent tears.
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Donghyuck asks.
“We had an assembly at school today about university.”
“Okay.”
“Because we’re supposed to be starting our applications to get them sent off by Christmas. Or January at the latest. Even though the deadline is in, like, March.”
“Hm.”
“But I really, really don’t want to go to university.”
“Oh.”
“But the school are pushing all of us to apply and the head of year spoke to me after the assembly and he, like, said that… that, like, I should have the first draft of my personal statement by now. But I haven’t even started it at all. Because I don’t wanna do it.”
“As in you don’t wanna write the application?”
“I don’t want to apply to university at all. I don’t want to go.”
“Dad didn’t go to university and he turned out alright.”
Mark sniffs and chuckles weakly. “Yeah. But it’s just the… like, pressure from all the teachers. I get good grades, so it’s like… expected of me to go. I just hate studying.”
“I don’t want to go to university.”
“I think we all know that already, Hyuck.” Mark laughs again. He sniffs, and Donghyuck hands him a tissue from his bedside table and cringes when he blows his nose.
“Our parents would be fine with you not going.” Mark sighs, so Donghyuck turns to face him and takes one of his hands between both his own, pats it as though he were an old lady chatting the ear off her grandson. “Of course they’ll be fine with it. What do you want to do?”
Mark tugs his arm away but Donghyuck grips tighter, and they end up in a strange tug of war that ends up with Donghyuck laying across Mark, laughing in his ear and trying to tickle under his arms and doing his very best to kiss his cheek.
“Get… ugh, get… get off me!” Mark finally manages to break free, and sits up again, but now the flush on his cheeks is more from the exertion rather than tears, and a sparkle has returned to his eyes. “I don’t know what I want to do. I just know I don’t want to go to university.”
“You’ve still got a whole year to decide.” Donghyuck says. Then, grinning, he says, “But, if you decide to be a world-famous musician or rapper or pop star or whatever, can I get free signed copies of every album? And you have to give me credit!”
“Credit for what?”
Donghyuck takes his hand again and ignores Mark’s eye roll.
“For being the bestest little brother, like, ever. Duh.”
“Ugh, fine.”
✧˖°
In the darkness, Chenle decides to get better. For real for real this time.
For his parents. For his siblings. For all the nurses and doctors and therapists he’s been passed between over the years.
He’ll ask Jisung to help him, and he’ll help Jisung too.
Chenle will go to Jisung’s new house and they’ll play with the dog, Daegal, together, laughing on the floor as the bundle of white fur jumps all over them and tries to lick every inch of their faces.
They hang out with their friends between classes. Dye their hair together under Donghyuck’s and Yizhuo’s instruction on the first day of summer break. They’ll go for ice cream dates, sit in the park in the sun, ice cream smeared on their noses as they double over with laughter over something that wasn’t really that funny, it’s just that they’ll be so happy to just be together.
They’ll make their relationship official, and Johnny and Taeyong bake them a cake and smother them both with kisses and support.
Best of all, Jisung will visit Chenle in the middle of the night. They’ll climb the apple tree together, fingers intertwined as they share whispers and giggles and their first kiss. Then their second, third, fourth. They’ll lose count, but every single one will always feel like the first.
Chenle will get better for himself. And he’ll feel alive.
✧˖° 🍦 🫧 ❀