Chapter Text
Jayce was really getting sick of dropping things. The lack of sensation in his new arm was driving him mad, and it wasn’t like what he could feel was making it any better. He had no reference to how much strength to put behind each little movement and gesture of his, but he knew how inhumanly strong and durable these augments are, so he was being too careful. He didn’t want to break anything, and he didn’t want to use too much force, so he was left bending over and picking everything up.
Viktor suggested putting on a glove. The cloth would add more friction, and not feeling things through a glove was normal, and it helped more than he expected. At the same time, he was told he shouldn’t have the glove on all day, and he should wear short sleeved shirts as much as he could. The human mind found changes to the body uncanny, which was why it was hard to cope despite the fact that he never actually lost his arm, it was just turned into something else. But last time he checked, the validity of exposure therapy was case-by-case, and he didn’t think it was helping him.
He still tried though. He took off the glove and tried to handle things with it for the sake of practice, but he was defeated each time. No matter how advanced this prosthetic was, it was going to take a while to get used to it. He soothed himself with words he remembered saying to Jamie, and sometimes it felt like he was lying to himself, but most of the time framing it that way got the point across in his head. It was easier to be patient to himself that way, and every misstep in his exercises didn’t feel like a personal failure.
Within the week that passed, that was as far as he got when it came to self-soothing, and just because his anger wasn’t directed at himself, didn’t mean it was gone. He was frustrated and furious at the situation he was in, and Viktor was of little help emotionally. His partner bounced back and forth when it came to being there for him at first, but as the days drew on, he became more and more distant, and Jayce was nearly livid. He was distraught and grieving while sitting in their room in nothing but his pants and boots because he dropped his shirt on the floor, and he couldn’t muster the courage to try again.
He sighed and let his shoulders drop. He took his right hand and rubbed the new metal, running it up and down the limb and squeezing here and there, like he was trying to wake it out of pins and needles after sleeping on it wrong. He just wanted to at least get used to how it felt if nothing else. It was a place to start, anyway.
The door opened, and he kept his gaze down, deciding not to meet Viktor in the eye. In his peripheral, he could see his partner hesitate partway across the room before he came over and sat down on his left side. “You know, sometimes I miss my body, too.”
A lie, considering the lack of emotion in his voice. He humored the conversation anyway. “Really?”
Viktor picked up on his doubt. “Of course. There’s many sensations I wish I could still feel through my metal parts. Like the sun on my skin, the chill in my chest I used to get when drinking cold water, or gentle touches from you.”
He finally looked up to him. He really didn’t want an argument - one he couldn’t win in the face of a stubborn machine - but he couldn’t keep back his bitterness. “So when you’re not like this, you miss your body?”
“Like what?”
“Interacting with The Hexcore.” He clarified, “I mean you can’t miss anything if you don’t feel it.”
“Jayce-”
“I’m not missing my arm right now, I miss you.” He emphasized. “I need you.”
Viktor paused, and he wasn’t sure if it was to figure out what to say or to give him more room to elaborate, but eventually he moved his right hand, and their metal brushed against each other. “I’m right here.”
That voice was still too flat for the statement to be true. “No you’re not.”
He was now. Sort of. Viktor’s emotions began to leak into his features a little. He looked sad. Their metal hands intertwined. “I warned you about this.” He said kindly, “When you told me to interact with The Hexcore, I said the man you fell in love with wouldn’t be here… That side of me was desperate and fearful, and-”
“There aren’t sides to you. Or anyone. There’s just you.”
There he was. Viktor had broken through completely now. He was still calm, but he could see him search his face for some kind of lie he didn’t have. He gestured to himself, “What are you saying? That I can’t escape this?”
He shook his head, “I’m saying that you are sliding into permanence in draining your emotions, and it’s reminding me of your extremist work.”
Viktor took his hand back and matched his angry tone, “How hard did Silco’s people hit you? Do you actually not remember me threatening your life because I saw your handwriting on papers?"
“Maybe try anti-anxiety pills like a fucking normal person?”
Viktor scoffed, “Modern medicine already failed me, I’m not about to let it fail me again, especially when I have something far more advanced and consistent in the other room.”
“You’re talking about perfection again.”
“I can be perfect.”
He could feel the bewilderment pull at his features, “What the fuck are you talking about? No you can’t. You’ll always find something to fix no matter what. Where did this need to be perfect come from anyway? Did Sky push this on you?”
Again, the moment he spoke the name, he knew he shouldn’t have, but this time Viktor was pissed. For a moment, he thought he was going to get punched judging by the fire in his partner’s eyes, but the swing never came. Viktor adjusted himself back and pivoted a little so they were face to face with distance between them. “I can’t believe the audacity you have to put the blame on a woman you never met.”
He read between the lines of that. “Oh, so I’m to blame? How could I have possibly-”
“Yes!” Viktor shouted. His hands were on his head, his fingers balled up in his locks, “I augmented and augmented, crafted and recrafted my armor, but it was never good enough! You came down, destroyed my work, shattered my metal plating, and broke my bones!”
He should feel guilty, but he didn’t. If Viktor wanted to shove history in his face instead of staying on topic, that was fine by him. “How the hell are you the only victim in this? Do you know the amount of progress I could’ve made if you weren’t constantly stealing from Hextech and The Academy and putting me in the hospital? The people I could’ve helped?”
“Hextech’s failure is your burden, not mine. You asked for funding from wolves. How is it my fault when they tear up your dream and strip you of your worth? I’m taking advantage of what they don’t green-light. You’re welcome.”
“You’re welcome?” He quoted, “Is that how you felt this whole time while working with me? That setting me back was somehow a favor?”
“I told you in the beginning that I couldn’t express my guilt for harming you enough, but I wouldn’t have done anything differently.”
“Nothing? Not even trying to disintegrate me?”
“I was protecting Blitzcrank!”
“They were barely a pile of metal!”
The creases in Viktor’s face deepened, “Do you honestly think you’re going to win this argument by insulting my loved ones?”
He got back on track quickly with a frantic gesture, “Name one thing you regret. One thing. And as a reminder, you have a lot of terrible acts on your criminal record.”
Viktor stared him down. “Zaun is bigger than me and my regret.”
“Bigger than us?”
The sentence fell out of his mouth without him even thinking, but Viktor softened in the face of it, his features relaxing and his shoulders dropping. He broke eye contact and looked down at his feet, and Jayce took this moment to try and cool off a bit. The argument had gotten too far. They dug up things they both forgave each other for, and it wasn’t right. It was time to take a step back. Viktor mentioned they were low on supplies. Maybe it was for the best if one of them left to stock up, and they could continue this when they weren’t so heated.
Viktor’s voice came quiet and sad. “Yes.”
He must’ve looked stupid. Eyes wide, and mouth open.
His love glanced at him, “Don’t look so surprised, I’m The Herald. Who do you think you’ve been kissing?”
He wanted to cry. He wanted to be angry, but his tone was so pleading it probably sounded pathetic. “Someone who said they wanted to be with me.”
Viktor sighed and closed his eyes in the face of his own sweet words. Not out of annoyance, but something close to disappointment. He raised his gaze again, “I do, Jayce. I love you so much, but Sky was the closest thing to a spouse I’ve ever had, and I made decisions with my fear that ended up killing her. Our confrontation the other week showed me that I’m still capable of that kind of fear and… That can’t happen to you too.”
He started at his partner, or whatever Viktor was now, hoping the story would be expanded, or there would be a ‘but’ at the end of the statement, but nothing else came. He truthfully couldn’t remember the last time he felt heartbreak like this. He didn’t think he’d ever fallen this hard for someone before, and maybe it was foolish of him to think the two of them would work out considering everything, but maybe it could’ve if Viktor hadn’t gotten shot. Irrational anger at Jinx rose up, and for a moment he blamed her for what he was sure was a break-up, but he supposed something in their mission would’ve triggered this eventually.
He hadn’t fully given up yet. “Vitya,” He tried.
Viktor gave a sad smile, “I’ll try to find a sweet spot with The Hexcore, but I can’t make promises.”
Permanence as a last resort that was too close for comfort. He should be relieved that they weren’t breaking up, but he was just furious again. He stood up, “Have you ever made a promise?”
“Jayce-”
He picked up his shirt and slipped it on, the movement smoother than he expected. “I’m getting supplies. Find that sweet spot while I’m gone.”
He stormed out, and Viktor let him go without protest, which he was thankful for. Rio trailed him out, cooing at him the whole way, but he didn’t stop to pet her this time. He wasn’t in the mood, and he just wanted some air, as humid as it was. So he rode the elevator up, marched past Zaun’s backdrop, down the entrance, and around the graveyard without looking back.
He swore he felt like someone’s eyes were on him. Seems that Viktor watched him leave while stewing in self pity.
Jayce was gone for a couple of hours, which was fair in Viktor’s opinion, even if he knew space wasn’t what his partner wanted. They both needed to cool off and think, but no sudden clarity came to him. He milled about his laboratory, organizing and cleaning as he thought over his own words, but nothing that had come out of his mouth was an exaggeration or lie to apologize for. What Jayce said to him though, really started to weigh on him.
He went to the medicine rack in his infirmary, looking for anything old that needed to be thrown out. Rio nudged him, but she’d already had her pills for the day, so he just told her ‘no’, and got back to it. He tried to think about a promise he could make, but there was no such thing anymore. No one could make any promise in this world, not with the weak bodies and fragile lives they all had. He could have a brain aneurysm at any moment. Jayce could trip and break his neck.
He tossed an expired bottle in the trash, and Rio bolted out of the room in the corner of his eye. He supposed there were promises he could make. He wouldn’t die. He wouldn’t hurt who he loved. And he would serve Zaun. All those promises were deep in The Hexcore’s webbings, and he’d be giving up everything that made him happy. His work would give him purpose and fulfillment, but genuine enjoyment and his personal life would be gone. But if he kept all of that and died, he’d abandoned Zaun. And if he kept all that, how long until he was pointing a laser at Jayce again? For what? His indulgence? How selfish.
He picked up another bottle and twisted the top, feeling the child lock on it click in his fingers. Was it really perfection he wanted, or was this a self-worth issue? Both? He couldn’t remember the last time he was genuinely self conscious about himself. Maybe a kid battling the internalized ableism the world taught him. He fought and clawed for his self-worth in his adolescence, and he swore never to let it go, but there were parts of him he viewed as inferior for different reasons now. But change and evolution was normal. As was wanting to better oneself. He wasn’t the man he was a few years ago, a few weeks ago, a few days ago, and on a cellular level, not even the man he was a few hours ago.
If permanence was impossible, then was Jayce right? His so-called self improvement would be never ending. He’d never be happy with himself. Maybe it was for the best he stopped moving his own goal post.
Rio suddenly let out a loud, deep roar, and his heart leapt into his throat. The only time he’d ever heard that was when he intruded into Singed’s cave uninvited.
The pill bottle hit the floor, and he sprinted down the hall. He turned into his workshop and saw Jinx, her pistol in hand, and Rio all puffed up, spines rattling loudly, and her tail tilted up in the air, all attempts to look big and loud to intimidate the threat. She let out a low, crocodile-like hiss that would’ve sent a chill down his spine if it were directed at him. His feet continued to carry him across the room, and Jinx turned her weapon to him once he got too close for comfort. The adrenaline triggered his faster reflexes, and he swore he saw the barrel of her gun light up.
He jumped forward to tackle her as the gun went off, and Rio screamed. Jinx grunted when he landed on her, and her gun slid out of reach. He struggled to subdue her, because even with his superior strength, she was able to slip out of his grip before he truly got a hold of her. He raised a fist, but then her leg tangled with his, she pushed against him, and his back was against the floor before he knew it. Now she was facing the same problem he had with her, because he was too strong for her to keep his limbs down.
She was able to tuck his left arm under her knee and grab his throat to keep him in place. She leaned forward, and stretched above him with her free hand, going for her gun. He could hear the weapon push against the floor a little, so he wrapped his right arm around her torso and squeezed. He could feel her ribs bend under his pressure, and she let out a loud sound of pain, but she kept at it, even as he continued to constrict her to the point she could barely breathe.
He tightened his hold even more, “A machine doesn’t tire, girl. I can lay like this forever.”
Rio lunged forward, grabbed Jinx by one of her legs, and whipped around, throwing her into the opposite wall. He sprung up as she let out another roar, but before he could follow up on the space given to him, there were bombs by their feet, all shaped like monsters with clattering jaws. Smoke and powder attacked his sinuses when they went off. He coughed, and he could hear Rio gagging. He crushed the pistol under his right foot.
“Rio, out!” He commanded.
With his enhanced vision, he could see her start to head to the door, but it would seem that Jinx disappeared. They passed the threshold only to find that more smoke bombs had gone off in the hall and likely the other rooms. Jinx was covering her escape, but why was she here in the first place?
He looked back into his workshop. His eye augments were more suited for dark environments rather than smoke or fog, but he could see the false part of his wall that worked as a safe. The door was wide open, and the Hexgem she stole from Topside was gone.
With Rio hacking the way she was, he didn’t even give himself time to cuss about that. He just ordered her to go outside, which meant they were going to the back of his laboratories where the large door Blitzcrank uses was. The poor thing kept stopping to dry heave because of all the dust, but they made it out into the humid air quicker than he expected. He let her catch her breath, then told her to follow him. He rounded the rock face to the graveyard and up to the elevator, then he turned to properly check on her.
Her breathing sounded even and unhindered, but a part of her tail was bleeding. There was a thick gash down by its end, probably from the stray bullet when the gun went off. He had to coax and comfort her a lot, but he was eventually able to get a closer look at the wound. She whined in pain, but in all honesty, it wasn’t as bad as he feared. She would need stitches once the lab’s air had been cleared and filtered, but it was just a gash, and there was no bullet left in her.
He went into the trunk that sat at the back wall to grab some medical supplies that would help for the time being. Rio cried when he cleaned her wound with the antiseptic, but stayed still regardless. He patted it dry with one of the towels, and wrapped as much gauze around it as he could, making sure to save some for later just in case he needed to change her bandages before they went back inside. He taped it all in place and offered his lap for her head to lay down in. She took the invitation immediately, and he pet and praised her for being as good as she was. Sensing the intruder, helping him in the fight, and staying still while he treated her made him so proud, yet so heartbroken. God, he hated Jinx.
It was maybe only twenty minutes before he heard the steady pace of Jayce’s boots on the stone. Rio tensed some, but he stayed still and quiet in hopes it would keep her anxiety at bay while she was on edge. Jayce finally made it up the hill, and she slowly approached him while her spines clapped calmly. It was nowhere near the excitement she usually had whenever he or his partner came back from errands or more dangerous parts of their jobs, but it was nice to see her spirits lift, even if a little.
Jayce looked between them as he pet her, “What’s going on?”
He hesitated only to consider how descriptive he was going to be. He decided short and blunt was the best option, and answer questions from there. “Jinx attacked us. She shot Rio’s tail, took the spare Hexgem, and filled the whole place up with smoke. I’m waiting for my air filter system to do its job.”
Jayce dropped his bag to the ground and rubbed at the notch in his brow. “Great.” He groaned, “She gonna be okay?”
“After some stitching, yes.”
The relief deflated his partner, “Good. At least you two are okay, right? You"re okay?.”
“I"m fine.”
There was a long, awkward silence as Jayce sat next to him on his right, and Rio took her spot in his lap again. He glanced over, “We need to kill Silco before she makes another weapon.”
Jayce made eye contact. “We talked about this. I need evidence of my colleague’s involvement.”
He really didn’t want another argument, so he kept his tone calm and understanding. It wasn"t hard because he really thought it was a shame they never actually found what Jayce came down here for, but sometimes things like that happen. They hit too many hitches, and there was no changing it. “I know. I’m sorry, but we’ve run out of time for that.”
“I can interrogate him.”
A snort made its way out of his throat unwillingly, and Jayce’s gaze turned into a glare. “Sorry- I didn’t mean-” He stammered, “Er, as someone who was interrogated by you, you’re not the best at it.”
“I was interrogating a machine. Silco isn’t you.”
“That’s fair, but… What angle could you even pull?”
Jayce’s shoulders slumped, “I don’t know…”
He stroked Rio a few times, pondering it himself, but there wasn’t an angle with Silco. At least not in an interrogation. “You know, gang bosses are just businessmen at their core. Strike a deal, then backstab and arrest him so you can put him on trial. Or let me kill him. Whichever you want in the moment.”
Jayce hummed. “I’ll sleep on it.”
They shouldn’t lay around thinking on it for long, but he decided to talk about it more in depth later once the lab was clear and Rio was properly treated. So they just sat there, the wind cutting through the gap in the wall’s face being the only thing keeping the silence away. It didn’t make it any less awkward. He sighed, “I thought about what you said, and you’re right, perfection is a never-ending chase.”
Jayce nodded sympathetically, “I’d be a hypocrite if I said I never struggle with it. In the Academy, I had to be perfect to keep The Kiramman’s partisanship, then I had to be perfect to get The Council’s funding for Hextech, and now I have to be perfect in my political decisions so things don’t fall apart. It’s hard to not let it get to you.”
“Well, I promise to work on dismantling that mindset,” He decided firmly, “And I promise to be more present.”
Jayce gave a sad smile and intertwined his human hand with Viktor’s metal one, “You don’t know how much that means to me. Thank you. Sorry for assuming the worst in Sky, and I’m sorry for your loss.”
What was that Piltie phrase? “Water under the bridge.”
There was another span of quiet, this time far more comfortable. He took a moment just to feel what he could through his augment. Jayce’s hold was kind, but stable, giving enough pressure so he was squeezing the metal a little, and for the first time since they split up to find the hammer, Viktor felt close to him. It was nice, like they were on the same team again after fighting alone or against each other for so long. The tension between them began to melt away, and he started to run his thumb across Jayce’s knuckles, just to tell his partner he was there, and he was going to do everything in his power to keep it that way.
Suddenly Rio turned, sniffed at her tail, then nudged him with a high-pitched whine.
“I know, girl. You’ll feel better in a few days. I’ll promise that too.” He turned to Jayce again, “You should take her with you when you return Topside.”
“What?”
It was a knee-jerk, and he didn’t even think on his words before he said them, but he kept going anyway, talking himself into it. “I love her, I do, you have no idea how far back we go, but… It’s getting dangerous here, and without Silco around, people are going to be more willing to come to me for help, and who knows if I’ll have time to care for an animal, and-”
“Hey, hey,” Jayce soothed, “We’ll play it by ear, alright? I love her too, but I don’t exactly have an environment where she"ll be happy up in Piltover.”
He gave another sigh and leaned his head against the wall behind him. “You’re right. I just don’t know what to do.”
“You’re worried.” Jayce’s touch left him as he stood, “Let me go check on the lab, if the air is clear enough, then we"ll give her those stitches.”
Jayce paced away, rounding to the back door, which was for the best considering all the smoke that might be stuck in the elevator shaft. He leaned his head on the rock again, thinking over his new promises. Not dying, not failing Zaun, not hurting the ones he loves most, being there for Jayce, guiding Rio into recovery, and keeping his mind away from perfection…
Magic teased in his veins. He couldn’t keep them all.