Chapter Text
Not that anyone asked— but if you were to ask Ava, she generally considered herself to be a positive person. Someone who views the glass half full rather than empty. An optimist instead of a pessimist, as it were.
No matter how you classified it, the point is, she tried to find the bright side in any situation. She must admit, though, that has become a bit more difficult in her current situation.
Honestly, it’s fine.
It’s not that she necessarily expected Beatrice to remember what all they had talked about last night when she had one or three drinks too many. Like intellectually she knew that it was highly unlikely that Bea’s memories would be completely intact. But, well, sometimes what the mind knows the heart doesn’t care to listen to.
But, like she said, she’s a positive person. And the second she can manage to find the upside to Bea forgetting she confessed to having feelings for Ava, she’d let you know.
For the moment though, she was yet to find it.
It may take a little while but, just, give her a moment.
She is trying. She swears.
And as long as you ignored her disappointed facial expression and deflated body language, she had this completely under control and everything will work out in the end. Even if she didn’t believe that quite yet.
But like she said earlier, she’s trying god damnit.
In between the time Ava had stopped talking and began to ruminate in her thoughts, Beatrice had somehow managed to sit up from her position in bed, fear evident in her eyes.
Okay so like, maybe the way she had phrased the whole ‘we need to talk’ thing may have been a bit more ominous then she was aiming for. But it’s not like she had much experience in this area. After all, she was more of the ‘make everything into a joke rather than deal with your actual feelings’ type of a person.
She wasn’t prepared for this.
She wasn’t prepared for Beatrice to show up in her life unannounced. Wasn’t prepared to fall into an easy rhythm of laughing on the couch over late night television or shared meals. Wasn’t prepared for intermixed laundry and inside jokes any sane person would overhear and think she had lost her an entire mind and then some.
She hadn’t been expecting any of this. She was supposed to be living in a one bedroom apartment alone. That’s what she had signed up for.
She didn’t sign up for these feelings. For falling in love. It just fucking happened without her permission. And as much as she tried, she still couldn’t manage to find it in herself to regret any of it.
Falling for Bea was one of the easiest and yet somehow stupidest things she has ever done. It’s irresponsible to fall in love with your roommate whom you share a bed —and on some occasions, a shower— with. This isn’t how it’s supposed to go. And it most certainly isn’t how she had imagined it in her head late at night.
There was supposed to be some sort of meet-cute. Like dropping her textbooks in a crowded hallway or being bumped into accidentally resulting in a drink spilling on her. Only for the love of her life to turn around and help her, their hands accidentally brushing and an undeniable spark tingling from the contact. They were supposed to lock eyes for an abnormal amount of time and know— just know that they were the one.
Or at least, that’s how it happened in the movies, anyways.
What was not supposed to happen was showing up on a stressful moving day to a random stranger moving in their own belongings into her new place. What was not supposed to happen was them proceeding to argue for the rest of the day and debating over who would get the bed versus the couch.
There was no long held eye contact or clumsy maneuvers. There was only communal grocery lists and shared sweaters.
(Just to be clear, if anyone asks, no Ava has not seen Beatrice’s gray long sleeve t-shirt she has been looking for. And no, the one Ava wore three days ago that looked suspiciously like it had no correlation. She would never steal clothing just because it smelled like Bea, that would be theft and Ava is no thief. So everyone can just mind their business and leave her alone, she is innocent and that’s all there is to it.)
Anyways.
The point is, what she had been shown in the movies is not how things went at all. And yet, what was real and true was so much better then what the media had depicted. It was domestic bliss and Ava wouldn’t give it up for the world.
She just hoped that after this conversation with Beatrice, she wouldn’t be asked to. Because that? Well, that would hurt like a bitch.
“Ava?”
After an unknown amount of time of being lost inside her own thoughts, Ava turned her body toward Bea, finally meeting her eyes which were both curious and scared.
Ava exhaled a deep breath. “Sorry, just thinking.”
Beatrice shifted closer, their legs almost touching on the bed now. “Is it because of how I came home last night? Did I say something? Do something? Whatever it was I can promise you I didn’t mean it. I would never want to jeopardize—”
Before she could manage to completely destroy Ava’s self-confidence in talking about their actual feelings for once, she quieted her with a finger pressed to Beatrice’s lips. Bea stopped speaking immediately, eyes wide from what Ava could only assume was surprise by her actions.
Ava moved her hand to cup her cheek briefly, enjoying the feeling of soft skin and Bea unconsciously leaning into the contact. “Normally you are one of my favorite people to sit and listen to you talk but right now, I really need you to let me go first before I lose my nerve, okay?”
Silently, Beatrice nodded in agreement as Ava’s hand dropped to lie uselessly by her side.
“Okay.” She sighed. “Here’s the thing, you… you were never supposed to happen.”
Beatrice looked at her confusedly, eyebrows furrowing in response but Ava didn’t stop. She couldn’t, now that she had started she had to get it all out.
“Well, okay maybe that’s not exactly what I mean. What I am trying to say is we weren’t supposed to meet like this. You know? We were supposed to meet in about a thousand different ways all of which would have been a hell of a lot simpler than the way we actually met. Or at least, in this lifetime. I’m still on the fence about reincarnation but I feel like I have known you in a past life the way you just fit so perfectly but that’s besides the point. My point is, I wasn’t expecting to meet you like this. I wasn’t expecting for you to come into my life in this way. Because I have to admit, falling for your roommate isn’t exactly the smartest thing I’ve ever done. I’d like to lie to you and say this is a recent development that completely hit me out of nowhere. But that’s simply not true. In fact, I’ve actually seen this coming, for a while now. Maybe since we first met that day and argued in front of the moving trucks, I don’t know. Falling for you, developing feelings for you was just… way too easy. It’s one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. You make it so god damn easy to fall in love with you that I couldn’t help not to.”
“And I tried to keep this all to myself because I didn’t know how you felt and just coming right out and declaring something as deep and strong as this felt really irresponsible because of everything that’s involved. This isn’t just falling in love with a classmate or a barista you see every day at your go-to coffee shop. Someone who, if shit hit the fan, you could easily avoid or simply make your coffee at home. It’s not like that with you, Bea. We live together, share a fucking twin bed together. A bed that arguably two people shouldn’t fit in and yet, we do. We fit… we fit perfectly, exactly as we were meant to.”
“For a while there, I tried to ignore it. Tried to act like waking up in your arms was completely platonic and didn’t at all affect me in a completely gay way. But it did, Bea. It affected me in a significantly gay way that I couldn’t ignore no matter how hard I tried. But you never said anything and so I just assumed, as I typically do, that meant you didn’t share the feelings I have for you. Which was really fucking reinforced, by the way, when you went on a date with that woman who I will not be naming. I truly did not know how much of a jealous person I was until that night because damn did those feelings catch me by surprise. But, you didn’t come home that night for a while. Like wayyy later than I was expecting so I just assumed the date must have clearly gone well. And that’s fine, I wouldn’t have said anything to stop you from falling for someone else. I wouldn’t have liked it and might have cursed her name in my own head, mind you, but out loud, I wouldn’t have said anything. So, to me, it was the next logical move to go out on a date myself to try and get over you. Which I failed at miserably but whatever, I can’t win them all I suppose.”
“But then last night—-” Ava trailed off, thinking about everything drunk Beatrice had said and how cute she had said it. “Last night you came home, pretty sloshed, if I do say so myself. Which I have many questions about but we can discuss that later. Anyways, you came home knocked your hip into our joint dresser and I did what any good roommate what do and made sure you drank plenty of water before bed. Which, by the looks of it, didn’t completely save you from a hangover but I’m a bartender, not a miracle worker. I can’t say I didn’t try. As we sat there at the kitchen table I didn’t intend on saying much of anything outside of ensuring you finished every last drop of water I gave you. But god, you are the most adorable drunk who also apparently likes to talk, fun fact, and proceeded to tell me that you have feelings for me too. I so badly wanted to reassure you, to tell you that you weren’t alone in that but well, clearly it wouldn’t have made a difference since you don’t seem to remember much of it anyways. I promised myself I would wait until tomorrow morning and sure enough, that time is right now, to tell you that I am irrevocably, undeniably, idiotically, in love with you, Bea. And I don’t care how unwise that may be of me to say knowing all of the outside factors we have going on because I don’t think I could stand to continue to live with you as I watched you go on dates with someone else. I don’t think I’m strong enough for that, I don’t really want to be in the first place.”
“All I want, all I’ve ever really wanted, was a place to call home. And yeah, this apartment is pretty cool and all but I didn’t find it in this building. I found it in you. When I think of the place I feel most myself, it’s with you. When I think of the place I feel the safest, it’s in your arms. When I think of the person I want to spend the rest of my life with, it’s you and I don’t want to go one more day without you at least knowing that. I don’t know if what you said last night is how you truly feel or merely drunken ramblings. I don’t. But what I do know is I can’t wait anymore. I’ve deeply enjoyed our friendship, I have, but I want so much more than that. And if you don’t want that with me, that’s okay. I’ll accept that. I just can’t live forever in this limbo of the unknown. There may not be any risk in the unknown but anything worth doing in life is worth risking for.” Ava exhaled a deep breath. “And that’s my entire spiel. I practiced it in the mirror a couple of times this morning and I think I hit all the points I wanted to. So, what do you think?”
The room was deafening silent and when Ava looked at Beatrice she looked to be in a state of complete shock. Which was most definitely not helpful for Ava’s self-confidence. “Bea? Please say something. Literally anything, I will take literally anything right now but silence.”
Beatrice stared at her, blinking twice before shaking her head as if to restart her entire sympathetic nervous system. “You… you practiced that? This morning?”
Ava merely shrugged. “I didn’t want to mess it up and leave anything out. Practicing helps.”
“That’s— I mean, it makes sense. Sorry. I’m trying to get my thoughts together. It’s just… hangover brain, it’s not exactly the best for this sort of thing.”
“Right.” Ava nodded to herself, moving to stand up from the bed. “I should have thought about that before just dumping this all on you first thing in the morning. That’s my bad. I’ll just let you think on it and if I could uh, maybe get a response by the end of the day that would be great.” She cringed at her wording, she sounded like she was sending out a business email, not having a deeply personal conversation about her feelings.
“Wait, Ava!” Beatrice called after her, but Ava didn’t listen. She couldn’t hear much over the roaring of her own heartbeat in her ears as she made a swift exit from the apartment.
Well, that went about as poorly as she could have imagined.
What the fuck had she been thinking?
***
There were a lot of things Ava wished for right now; a lobtomy to forget what happened, her phone to call Mary, or an umbrella to stop the rain from making her look like a drowned rat. And honestly, she would have just settled for a hoodie, but, well, we don’t always get to have the things we want.
Exhibit A: this morning.
She had been so sure going into it. So sure that Beatrice felt the same way. But, like with most things as of late, she was completely and utterly wrong. Worst of all, she’d probably have to find a new place to live.
Mary would probably let her crash at her place for a while but after that, she’d need somewhere permanent to go. And to grab all of her shit, of course. Maybe she would just make Mary do it instead that way she didn’t have to embarrass herself all over again by seeing Bea.
Fuck, she had truly looked at the best thing in her life in the eyes and proceeded to take a fucking flame thrower to it, burning the entire thing to dust. She wiped away the few errant tears before realizing it was impossible to discern whether the water came from the sky or her own eyes and promptly gave up.
She couldn’t help but laugh at herself at the situation she somehow found herself in. No one knew how to mess up a good thing better than she did.
Ava let out a deep breath which really sounded more like a choked sob as she sat underneath one of the larger trees nearby in hopes of not getting completely drenched by the rain.
The weather was fitting, really.
She laid her head down on the damp grass and closed her eyes. Choosing to ignore her discomfort and merely listen to the rain as it pelted the leaves on nearby trees. If she weren’t so distraught it would almost be nice, peaceful in a way.
“There you are! I’ve been looking all over for you. I called your phone about a dozen times before I realized you left it at home. What are you doing? You’re going to get yourself sick.”
Ava didn’t need to open her eyes to know it was Beatrice who was speaking to her. Which was the exact last person she wanted to talk to but life just happened to have a real funny sense of humor today.
“Go home, Bea. I can take care of myself.” She managed, her voice sounding hoarse from her extended crying session earlier.
The sound of Beatrice unzipping what Ava assumed was her sweatshirt could be overheard before Ava felt the warmth of soft cotton cover her torso and arms. Cautiously, she peeked one eye open to see Beatrice crouched down beside her. “I’d love to as soon as you get up. Come on, I’ll help you.”
Ava scooted away from Beatrice’s gentle hands. “No thanks, I’m good here. I’ll send Mary to get my stuff in the next day or so.”
“Would you just get up, please? I’d really rather not have this conversation outside in the middle of a rainstorm.”
“It doesn’t make any difference. And anyways, there’s nothing to talk about. You didn’t mean what you said last night and I made the stupid mistake of assuming you did. My bad, won’t happen again.”
“Ava, for the love of god would you just—” She trailed off before the next thing Ava knew, she was being picked up into a bridal carry which made both of her eyes promptly fly open because she certainly wasn’t expecting this.
“What the… put me down! I don’t need this and I certainly don’t need your help.”
Beatrice leveled her with a challenging look. “Too bad.”
Ava stared at her incredulously. “Too bad? What do you mean too bad?? You can’t just go around picking people up! It doesn’t work like that.”
“I’m not the one who decided to run out of the apartment before I could attempt to gather my thoughts and respond to something as life altering as the speech you gave, while I was still very much hungover, might I add. So yes, too bad. You’re coming home with me whether you like it or not.”
Ava huffed, crossing her arms over her chest. “What’s the point, it’s not like you feel the same anyways.”
Mid-walk, Beatrice paused to stare down at her, eyes devastatingly beautiful and jaw line stupidly defined. “You want to do this here? Fine. We’ll do this here, as I carry you, while it’s raining out. But I’m walking us home as we talk before we both end up catching a cold come tomorrow morning.”
Ava rolled her eyes. “No one said you had to come looking for me. I was perfectly fine throwing my pity party for one underneath that tree over there. It was a good tree, nice leaf coverage and a solid stump.” She insisted, stubbornly.
“Sorry to rip you away from something so precious.” Beatrice deadpanned.
“Apology not accepted.”
“Fine. How is this for an apology instead, I’m sorry I didn’t say anything back. My mind was all over the place and it was about the last thing I was expecting to wake up to this morning. You just caught me so off guard that I didn’t know what to say. But whatever it is I told you last night, drunk, was true. Ava—” Beatrice sighed. “I’ve had feelings for you since the second you fought with me over who would sleep on the couch because you noticed my back was bothering me. You’ve just always been so kind, and considerate, and beautiful, I don’t know how anyone could manage to know you the way I do and not fall in love with you. I think about you all the time to the point where it’s ridiculous. So much so that Camila challenged me to a drinking game last night where every time I brought your name up in conversation I had to drink. Which is why I came home drunker than I’ve ever been. I have to admit, I was skeptical about the odds of this working out considering our circumstances of already living like a married couple but then I realized, we already live like a married couple and I’ve never felt so happy in all my life. Waking up next to you makes me smile each and every morning without fail even when I know I have a very stressful day ahead. It’s like you said earlier, it’s not home if it’s not with you. Which is why I refused to go home before I found you and we are both so going to get sick from this but I don’t care. All I really care about is having you with me and the rest we will just figure it out as we go like we always do. I love you, Ava. I’m in love with you and I plan on loving you for the rest of our lives if you’ll let me, okay?”
Ava couldn’t help but just look at Beatrice completely dumbfounded. This is not at all how she had expected this conversation to go but damn is she happy it did.
“You–you love me?” She asked nervously, needing to be absolutely certain her brain hadn’t just allowed her to hear what she wanted to.
Beatrice giggled then, a light airy sound that made Ava want to bottle it up for safekeeping. “Yes, yes I do. I’m going to put you down now though, okay? I need my hands so I can open the door to our apartment complex.”
Ava looked around, she hadn’t even realized they were back, when had that happened? Ava only clung to her tighter, using her own free hand to push the door open instead. “There, now you don’t have to let go.” She smiled smugly.
Bea shook her head good-naturedly. “I’ll still have to put you down when we get to our apartment so I can unlock the door.”
“Nonsense.” Ava waved her off. “Which pocket are your keys in, I’ll get them for you.”
“Bottom left. You do realize I will have to let you go at some point, right? We can’t just stay like this forever.”
“Says who?” Ava challenged, successfully retrieving their apartment key and using it to open their front door.”
Beatrice used her foot to kick the door closed behind them. “Well, it would be kind of hard to kiss you from this angle, for one thing.”
Well now, this simply wouldn’t do so Ava did what any intelligent person would, wrapped her arms around Beatrice’s neck with her legs coming to rest on her hips so they were face to face. She smirked, “Better?”
Beatrice laughed to herself. “Much.” She whispered lowly before gently pushing Ava up against the nearest wall.
“Oh.” Ava exhaled shakily.
“Yeah.” Beatrice murmured before finally pressing her warm lips to Ava’s own.
Ava felt herself get lost in the feeling of Bea kissing her for the first time, as if time itself slowed to a stop. She had wondered, far more often than she cared to admit, if Beatrice’s lips were truly as soft as they looked.
As it just so turns out, they were, and then some.
Ava’s fingers played with the baby hairs on the back of Beatrice’s neck, their lips moving against each other in perfect tandem. When Ava gently licked at Bea’s bottom lip she was immediately granted entrance, one, or maybe it was both of them, Ava couldn’t really say, whimpering in response.
This? This feeling right here— one of Beatrice’s hands on her waist while the other pressed against the wall to box her in, their bodies moving together as one as they learn just what exactly makes the other moan in satisfaction or whine, wanting more, to be close, and then even closer still, was the best feeling in the world.
Ava never thought she’d be able to confidently say that. But today, today she knew without a doubt.
This was everything she had ever dreamed of, and so much more.