Chapter Text
TW: panic attacks, depictions of violence, and suicidal thoughts.
Barbara
Barbara saw that she was pushing herself into the kitchen with what appeared to be her own arms but she still wasn’t entirely sure. Robotically, her hands grabbed a cup then she appeared in front of the water dispenser, but she paused here, staring at the glass in her hands. What was I doing? I was talking to Dick through comms. He was yelling at me and then there was a… a sound… She kept staring at the cup as the sound replayed in her mind. It was a loud sudden bang that echoed through her ears.
She froze, feeling glass under her fingers and a vague pain in her stomach. She could hear her dad struggling beside her, but she wasn’t sure why. The ground she was laying on was cold and wet. She felt it start to seep into her new yellow shirt she had just gotten so she’d look nice for Kara who she still wasn’t sure if she even was coming to dinner or not.
Barbara gripped the glass, confused for some reason as to why it wasn’t hurting her. It had just shattered and was all on the floor under her, was it not? She was almost certain when she fell back she broke the coffee table, so how was this glass in her hands now not cutting her? It didn’t make much sense.
“I got her now, Nightwing!” A girl said, but it was so far away even though her vague outline was directly in front of her. “Hey, Babs. How are you doing? Dick told me to rush over here as fast as I could?”
Barbara heard a voice talking, but it somehow belonged to a girl when there were four men in the room, two she didn’t know, and two she did. One, her dad who was grunting from fighting off the two strangers. And the other was in the ugliest shirt Barbara had ever seen, which wasn’t his usual style, but not that strange for him.
It was like Barbara was underwater, looking up at a blurry image of a silhouette she recognized but couldn’t pinpoint and a voice she knew but couldn’t process. More clearly and closely, she heard a laugh rippling through her ears, and could see a pale white face with poorly slapped on clown makeup inches away.
“Babs? Are you here right now?” the same girl spoke.
Barbara felt herself be turned to face a new direction, but everywhere she looked it was the Joker’s face laughing and filming her as he plunged a knife into her shoulder. She began to shake, but otherwise didn’t move or scream, being frozen in place, in time even. She wasn’t sure she could do anything if she tried.
“Barbara? Barbara!”
Barbara felt her shoulders be grabbed and heard glass shattering on the ground. Without thinking she fought back, raising up one fist and aimed for the clown’s stupid green head, punching it as hard as she could. Her hand was caught and without hesitation she threw another punch with her other hand, once again missing him and having it held. She tried to get out of his grip to no avail. Barbara heard someone yelling in protest of her fight which only motivated her further. She wrenched and moved and even tried to dead weight her way out, but he was too strong, seemingly able to hold all a hundred and thirty seven pounds of her with no issue. She tried kicking him, but her legs weren’t cooperating, so she started to ram her shoulder into his chest, trying to catch him off balance.
“HEY! HEY! IT’S ME! IT’S ME! IT’S KARA! IT’S KARA! YOU’RE ROOMMATE! IT’S KARA!”
Barbara felt like she had been sucked back into her body, like a dream where you fall and wake up before you hit the ground. The whiplash hurt her head as she was snapped back into reality, staring at Kara holding both of her hands above her head with one hand, Kara’s other hand at her hip to keep her from falling out of her chair. Barbara had to blink a few times to focus her vision onto Kara’s apprehensive expression.
“It’s just me. You’re alright. You’re safe,” Kara soothed, breathlessly. “It’s just me.” She gave her a weary smile and lowered Barbara back into her chair. “Nothing hurting you. It’s just me right now, okay? Just me and you in here.”
Barbara blinked at her again. “Kara…” She stated as if telling Kara her own name.
“Yeah, Babs,” Kara reassured, pushing a strand of red hair back behind Barbara’s ears. “It’s me.”
Barbara felt herself breathe in and out deeply, her body trying to calm itself down without her even realizing. She wasn’t sure how she even thought that Kara was that clown. They couldn’t be more opposite of each other in every single shape and form. Her mind was equally as confused as it was before, but slightly more present and aware of where she was and what her body was doing. Her brain was still racing at a thousand miles an hour, remembering the events from That Night but at the same time forming entirely new thoughts about it.
“You… you saved my life…” Barbara recalled.
Kara nodded, “that’s what everyone keeps telling me.”
Barbara shook her head. “No… I… I would have been dead… I would have died…”
“That’s… that’s a possibility, yes,” Kara hesitated to continue.
Kara didn't understand what Barbara was trying to tell her. In desperation, she started to explain more. “I wouldn’t be here right now, sitting with you right now if you hadn’t…Hadn’t found me…” Barbara continued, doing her best imitation of coherency. “I wouldn’t be here at all.”
Kara held her hands up to try and stop her. “Let’s calm down right now,” Kara urged her. “Lets relax, okay. You just went through something tonight that we should talk about-”
“I-I never would have hacked Batman’s computer…” Barbara rambled on as though she was responding logically to Kara’s plea. “I would have died alone on my living room floor. I wouldn’t have been able to help you with Mad Hatter. You wouldn’t have gone into the sewers tonight.”
Kara nodded fearfully. “That’s probably true, but why don’t we calm down a bit before we start processing all of th-”
“I should be in a casket six feet under,” Barbara interrupted again. She’s not understanding me at all. “Daddy would have had to bury me. They would have had a funeral for me. Daddy, Jay, Dick, you, and other people would have attended.”
“Let’s get you some water,” Kara suggested. “Let’s get you some water and then we can watch a movie and you can breathe and not potentially hurt yourself.”
What isn’t she understanding?! She’s not getting what I’m trying to say. “I would be dead,” she grabbed Kara’s hand tightly and stared into her eyes to make her point heard. “And just… Everything. There’s a lot that wouldn’t have… happened,” her voice started to trail off as the realization hit her.
I’m supposed to be dead.
It’s weird how trauma hits you. Barbara Gordon had just finished getting out of the hospital after being tortured and shot leaving her physically disabled. During that time, she had both mentioned and heard that she barely made it out alive and the only reason she was still breathing was because of Kara’s quick thinking. But she had never really thought about it. She hadn’t processed what she was saying when she had thanked Kara for saving her life. She never truly realized what the words “near-death experience” meant to her. She tried not to think at all about That Night to the best of her ability, with only flashes of the night showing in her mind’s eye during particularly emotional moments in the hospital. She didn’t let it sink in fully that she was left to die on her living room floor as she laid in agony praying to a god she didn’t believe in to let the pain end quickly because she didn’t know how much more of it she could take.
But the facts were there. He left her to die. Barbara would have been just another body six feet in the ground if Kara didn’t find her.
I’m supposed to be dead.
“Barbara?” Kara asked again, trying to get into her field of view.
Barbara’s eyes may have been on Kara, but she wasn’t seeing her. Barbara was seeing a hideous Hawaiian shirt being worn by Gotham’s most notorious villain. She was seeing the windowsill becoming a shade of red as her head was bashed into it repeatedly. She was seeing her own blood pooling up in the carpet of her living room. She was seeing her bookshelves be knocked over onto her, ensuring she wouldn’t be able to escape. She was seeing her finger trying to write out “joker has dad” in her own blood but not having enough strength to finish the “j.”
I’m supposed to be dead.
“Babs?” Kara tried again.
Barbara couldn’t hear her. All she heard was his laugh echoing off the walls, a knife ripping through flesh and veins on her head, her own muffled screams behind a gag, footsteps finally walking away as she lay virtually motionless on the ground.
I’m supposed to be dead.
“Babs! Hey, hey, hey! Babs? What’s going on? Are you okay?” Kara’s free hand hovered over Barbara’s shoulder, having just learned not to touch her, but also not knowing what to do.
Barbara felt her insides be ripped out of her with a metal bullet, glass baring into her back, knife carving his name into her arm. There was the strong smell of cheap booze and cigarettes flooding her nose, and the disgusting taste of a dirty blood soaked scarf in her mouth.
I’m supposed to be dead.
“I’m… I’m…” Barbara started, but her throat was constricting. She wasn’t able to get more than a few shallow breaths in at times.
“Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay,” Kara anxiously reassured her.
Barbara put her hands on her chair as though she was going to stand up, but fell forward instead right onto Kara. Kara caught her with ease, but wasn’t sure what she should do next or what would be better for Barbara. She ended up holding her in her lap.
“I’m supposed…” Barbara tried again, unaware that she was on the ground.
“You’re okay,” Kara repeated. “You’re okay. You’re safe, alright?”
Barbara robotically shook her head, “no. No, I’m not… I’m not supposed… I shouldn’t…”
Barbara was on the ground, watching her finger barely move, waiting for it all to just be over, for the pain to die out, but it wouldn’t come. She was going to suffer for all eternity in that state, after being carved up and beaten to a pulp. Even as the world started to fade out around her, she still had every wound on her body screaming out. The pain wouldn’t numb, her body wouldn’t stop throbbing. She heard that dying was peaceful, but that right wasn’t reserved for her. She thought about everything she had ever done, every book she read, every friend she made, every person she’s saved, and wondered what on earth she had done to deserve this fate. Why did he decide to do this? What causes someone to become like that?
“I don’t know where you are, but right now you’re here with me,” Kara reminded.
Barbara thought about her brother and wondered if all of his victims thought the same thing. James grew up in a loving household with her dad doing the best he could after their mom left them. James was a psychopath with no sense of morals no matter how hard her dad tried. Is that what he was like as a kid? The same as her brother? Did he have a loving home? A mom and dad? Siblings? A house and friends and a favorite teacher? Or did he grow up on the streets of Gotham like Jay? Virtually homeless with a drug addicted mother?
Kara spoke in the calmest tone Barbara had ever heard, “I got you. You’re in the kitchen- your new kitchen, I might add.”
Barbara went to remove the gag around her mouth to speak more clearly to get Kara to understand her. She was confused when nothing was there. Her eyes went to her empty hands. “I was supposed…” Her hands were clean, no blood caked onto them.
“In the Gotham city clock tower,” Kara continued. “Funded by billionaire Bruce Wayne who I don’t understand how that idiot is as rich as he is, but I digress.”
Barbara’s eyes went to her stomach where no entrance wound was to be found. Her hands rubbed the spot she was shot and was shocked she didn’t feel any pain around the area. “I’m…I’m…”
“Surrounded by as many plants as I can attempt to keep alive,” Kara sniffled. “While I still smell like a dirty sewer because you made me go down there.”
Barbara blinked a few times, clearing the tears from her eyes, and finally realizing where she was. She was hyperventilating and shaking in Kara’s lap. Her head was swimming, trying to process all of the thoughts she had just had the last five minutes. “I’m… alive.” She looked at Kara and forced herself to stay right there with her. Right in her arms, in her apartment, with her friend who quite frankly did smell like sewer water.
“You are,” Kara agreed, a tear slipping out of her eye and onto Barbara’s sleeve. “You’re okay.”
I’m Barbara Gordon. I’m in my kitchen. I was just telling Kara that she saved my life.
And you made Kara upset ? God DAMMIT, BARBARA!
Barbara shook her head, “No… that’s not…” She wiped her eyes with her spotless hands. “That’s not what I’m… I can’t…”
She is probably PISSED she still has to take care of you. She’s going to scream at you ANY SECOND now.
“It’s okay. Take your time,” Kara gently hushed her. “Shhh. Take your time. Just breathe.” Kara was crying silently, but was just managing to hold it together for Babs.
Barbara was the opposite of together. She was hyperventilating worse than she had in the hospital. She couldn’t take in more than half a breath before letting it out. “S-Sorry… I’m… sorry…” she gasped in between breaths.
Fucking hell. She’s going to KILL you if you don’t get YOUR SHIT TOGETHER.
Another tear slipped out of Kara’s eye and Barbara wanted to wipe it away, but she couldn’t move at all. Barbara was trying to get in enough breath to explain to Kara what was going on in her head. To explain why she was acting the way she was. She knew it was illogical. She knew Kara wasn’t going to hurt her. Or…did she?
Your friend is crying, Barbara. If you could just get your SHIT TOGETHER maybe everything would be okay. If she did hurt you at this point you’d DESERVE IT.
She started shaking even more violently. She shut her eyes tight and concentrated on her breath. Barbara took in gulps of air just to keep herself breathing. Deep breaths in, deep breaths out. Deep breaths in, deep breaths-
Fucking HELL ! Remember how long it took you to thank her?! What were you WAITING FOR HER to bring it up, DUMBASS?!
Barbara kept sobbing, frustrated she couldn’t do this one simple thing. Dick wanted her to talk about her feelings, Kara wanted to know what was going on with her, and according to every psychiatry class she’s ever taken, talking out your feelings does help. So why couldn’t she just do it?
You can’t even FUCKING BREATHE?! Can you do ANYTHING , you dumb BITCH?!
As she cried more, Kara pressed her forehead to hers and started to hum a tune Barbara barely recognized. An old kryptonian lullaby Kara’s mom sang to her as a child. Kara’s humming was so soft and quiet, the only way Barbara could hear her was by concentrating on it and nothing else. She held her breath at times just so she could hear the slow, soft tune.
She’s putting far too much work in to calm your dumb ass down. Do you even deserve this much effort?
Barbara flinched at her thoughts and started to sob again. Kara held her tighter and kept humming. The song finished several times, but Kara kept going, looping it on repeat. Barbara shakily grabbed Kara’s cape and felt the smooth silk in her hand, focusing on the fibers that ran through her fingertips. She tried so hard to focus on Kara’s soft humming over the sound of her own voice in her head, but it was hard to ignore.
I can’t believe you’re letting her comfort you. She’s gone through so much more, and yet here you are, crying like a toddler over a little gun shot. At least your family and friends are all alive.
“I’m sorry,” Barbara croaked out, her voice shaking as much as she was “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t-”
“Shhhhh,” Kara consoled. “Shhh. I got you. You’re doing great, Babs. You’re doing so good.”
Kara continued the song, humming over Barbara’s sobs, and eventually singing the lyrics in the original Kryptonian. Barbara admittedly didn’t know much, but it helped her concentrate harder to pick up the little words she knew. It took a few rounds of the short melody to understand the gist, but from what she could tell, the song was about a guard protecting something small and alive until it grew up to protect him. She sniffled as she translated and failed to keep back the tears flowing down her face.
Like a child. Do you need a blankey and milk too?
The thought was significantly quieter than the previous ones. She felt Kara’s soft slow breath on her face, her blonde hair fall onto Barbara’s shoulder. After about five minutes since Kara began the song, Babs was finally able to catch her breath. She hadn’t stopped shaking but it was less violent. She was significantly less convinced that Kara would hurt her, given how sweet she was being. Kara was trying to lift her back up, and was doing a good job at calming Barbara down.
“I’m sorry,” Babs hiccuped. “I didn’t mean to make you mad.”
Kara shook her head, “why would I be mad? I just want you to be okay.”
“This wasn’t how you wanted to spend a Friday night,” Babs sniffed.
Kara smiled, “I’m hanging out with you. Can’t think of a better way to spend my time.”
Kara really was the kindest being on the planet and after everything she was still there. She was still helping her. After three months, she hadn’t left yet.
She really shouldn’t have saved you.
Barbara tensed and took another huge gasp of breath in. Kara hugged her tighter, but otherwise didn’t move, starting the song again at the same quiet volume.
You should have been left there, you know?
Kara’s humming became more distant. It sounded like there was a wall between her and Barbara, even if their foreheads were touching each other.
If she never found you, she wouldn’t be here right now. She wouldn’t have spent 3 miserable months in the hospital.
“No…” Barbara cried weakly, trying to disagree with the voice in her head. She pulled away slightly from Kara. I don’t deserve to be comforted.
Kara didn’t let her and pulled her into a hug, Barbara’s head now on her shoulder. “Shhh,” Kara comforted. “It’s okay, you’re okay.” She stroked her red hair with her hand and repeated, “it’s okay.”
Dick wouldn’t have had to go through so much work rebuilding the apartment and painting it just for you?! And you had the audacity to yell at him tonight?!
“No…” Barbara tried to tell herself again to no avail.
“I got you. I got you. I’m not mad at you at all.”
And your dad would have been so much more relaxed. I mean, fuck . Having to go to work all day just to go to the hospital and see you suffer. He was injured too but you didn’t hear him whining about it.
Barbara coughed into Kara’s shoulder, getting spit and snot all over her sleeve. Kara didn’t seem to notice or care.
Dad suffered because of you. After all, dad was at your apartment. If you didn’t invite him over to try your shitty dinner, he wouldn’t have been kidnapped.
“I’m so glad you’re here,” Kara said shakily. “I’m so glad I got you in time.”
Were you really worth it though? After all, you’re not Batgirl anymore, and Burnside is clearly already fucked without her.
“I should be dead,” Barbara finally got out. “I should be dead,” She repeated, sobbing into Kara’s shoulder.
Kara shook her head. “No. No you shouldn’t be. You were right, I got you in time.”
Babs shook her head. “I should have been dead. I was supposed-” she hiccuped, “-to die That Night. I was supposed to die. I should have died.” She weeped into Kara.
Kara pulled her away from her. “Hey hey hey,” Kara hushed her. She pushed some of Barbara’s hair behind her ear that fell. “What are you saying? What do you mean?”
Barbara couldn’t meet her eyes as she sobbed out “I should have died. I should have- everyone suffered because of me. I don’t deserve…” Her voice trailed off as she choked up, starting to hyperventilate once more. She felt nauseous like she was going to puke as if a huge ball was stuck in her throat trying to be ejected out.
“Look at me,” Kara begged, adjusting Barbara’s glasses for her so they sat right on her face. Barbara kept her eyes shut tight, not wanting to face her. “Hey, Barbara. Look at me,” Kara said a bit more forcefully.
Barbara flinched but did as told this time and cracked her eyes open to see that Kara’s eyes were puffy and her nose was red. There were still tears streaming down her face and a few dried to her cheeks. Barbara really didn’t want to know what she looked like in that moment given she could feel snot on her chin and could barely see out of tear-blurred eyes.
“Barbara Gail Gordon,” Kara sniffed out, smiling as best she could given the circumstances. “You are the most amazing, most intelligent person in the universe, and I say that as someone who has been to space and on many many planets in the galaxy. I am baffled every single day with how much knowledge you keep in that beautiful gorgeous red head of yours. I have never once doubted your capabilities when it comes to any amount of trivia or facts, or scientific studies. And you use that power for good, imparting it onto the young people of Gotham who are lucky enough to come through those library doors and ask you for help. You are the strongest, bravest, most selfless person I know. Once again, I say that with confidence, especially after learning yesterday that you swung from buildings with just some guy in a furry costume” -this made Barbara laugh a bit- “when you have no powers of your own, but you still decided to save so many people’s lives because that’s the kind of person you are.” Barbara smiled a bit and looked down at the ground, wiping at her eyes. “Hey! I didn’t say you could look away!” Kara commanded.
“S-Sorry,” Babs sniffled and then coughed.
“I forgive you this time. But I won’t allow you to be mean to my best friend, alright?” Kara pushed a strand of Barbara’s hair back and grabbed her face in her hands. “You should not have died. You bring so much light and value to the world. Even now, you are still doing everything in your power to help the people of Gotham. You saved so many people Saturday not just by telling us what was going on, but by coming up with a plan. And you’re now making sure it doesn’t happen again, fuck, anyone else in your position would just give up completely, but not you. Because you are so wonderful and caring and amazing. I’m lucky to have met you, but more importantly, the people of Gotham are lucky they have you watching over them, ready to rally the team and have us fly away at your command.”
Babs shook her head. “It’s only for a weekend.” She took a few deep breaths in. “Once Batman gets back, they’ll be listening to him again.”
“You really think so?” Kara asked, genuinely.
This gave Babs pause. “What do you mean?”
“Robin was more than eager to follow your directions. Personally, I find Batman to be a sexist prick who I really would rather not follow into battle if I don’t have to, and I think Nightwing feels the same way.”
“I third that opinion,” Babs said weakly, wiping her eyes with her sleeve. She felt calmer, but with that the adrenaline wore off and her lung began to hurt.
They sat in a calming silence for a few minutes as Barbara caught her breath. Once there was enough oxygen going back into her brain the realization she was sitting in her crushes lap on the floor after she held her and told her she was amazing sobered her up further. She cringed and went to get out of Kara’s lap.
“Ah! Broken glass!” Kara warned.
Babs nodded and was careful where she placed her hands on the ground to move closer to her chair. “Got it.” She pushed herself up and yelled out in pain, falling back down to the floor where Kara caught her.
Pathe-
NO! No more tonight… Barbara wasn’t even sure she had enough energy left for the night to come up for more insults for herself. “K-Kara, can…” She had to catch her breath. “Can you help me get back?” She gestured to her chair with her head. As much as she cringed at herself for having to ask, Barbara did not want to feel the sharp shooting pain in her side again on top of her running out of breath already.
Kara didn’t hesitate. Once settled in her chair, the emotions started to rise up again in Barbara and she forced them back down, not wanting to cry again. By the time Babs got fully situated, Kara was shoving an inhaler, a glass of water, and pain medication in her hand and was already starting to sweep up the broken glass.
“S-S-Sorry-” Babs couldn’t finish her sentence fully before going into a coughing fit and wincing with every breath.
Kara nodded towards her hand. “Take all of that before you try speaking again.”
Babs took her medication and inhaler, but couldn’t make eye contact with Kara even after she cleaned up the floor. As Kara swept the first bits of glass into the dustpan, Babs started to speak, but she didn’t know where to begin. Babs’ mind was now thinking clearly, able to separate apparent panic induced hallucinations from reality. She easily figured out the source of the attack as Dick’s bike backfiring coupled with the brand new, clear as day audio microphone set which caused her brain to confuse the sound for a gunshot. But how would she explain to her friend, hell caregiver it felt like, that she wasn’t crazy and she had a flashback due to a motorcycle?! There’s not a chance in hell Kara wouldn’t be giving her calls every five minutes to check up on her now.
Babs, I need you to think rationally about this. Kara wouldn’t do such a thing for her own sake. She would only do it if she really and truly believed you were in danger. The other day was the first time you were alone, not in a hospital. That’s all that happened.
“I don’t know why I-” Barbara blurted out, surprising even herself unsure of why she spoke up. Kara’s rhythmic sweeping stopped before she continued, trying her best to seem like everything was normal. “-why I was saying I want to die… I… I really don’t know where that came from. I don’t. My brain was… a line got crossed somewhere and I wasn’t thinking clearly.”
The truth. Though the self deprecating thoughts were near constant, the suicidal ones were new. It was the only thing at that moment Babs felt she could rationalize, completely lost as to why any of it had come out. She didn’t want to kill herself nor die.
“I think I’ve felt useless recently so my… the thoughts in the panic were formed that maybe I don’t deserve to live?” Babs tried to rationalize aloud, still unable to look at Kara. “Please believe that I have no desire to… I just don’t want you to be worried about me like that for any reason.”
Kara left the pan and broom on the floor to put her hands on either side of Babs’ chair wheels so she was forced to be in her eye line. Babs didn’t make eye contact but rather stared at the top of her perfect blonde hair. “How about we both go take a break, hop in the shower to refresh ourselves, then meet back in the living room to talk about what happened with a clear head so we can potentially avoid it in the future?”
Babs hesitated but nodded. It wasn’t a bad plan and gave her time to fully formulate what she wanted to say before she did. “Okay, yeah. That… that sounds good. Yeah.” She agreed.
Kara stood up to finish sweeping and Babs began to head towards her bedroom.
Fantastic. The best plan of the night involves one I didn’t even make after the one I did went up in smoke because I fucked up. Great first night.