Chapter Text
Chandler had his tongue halfway down Janice’s throat when he realized that Joey wasn’t home. Maybe he had left quietly? No, that couldn’t be right. He was definitely out when they arrived. Right? Then again, he had been so preoccupied with talking to Janice about pontoon boats that he might have overlooked his presence.
For a moment, he finds his mind lost in an array of different horrible Joey-ending scenarios, including a car accident, a stabbing spree, a mugging-gone-wrong, and, oh, why was mind-Joey naked?
Mind-Joey, where is your sense of modesty? Chandler wondered. I suppose you take after the real Joey. Still, I’d prefer if you kept your pants on while I have my hand up my girlfriend’s blouse, thanks.
He immediately felt Janice start to pull back a bit. He gave a little sound of disapproval, but she pulled back nonetheless. Her hand left his hair, and they both separated, looking at each other.
“What?” Chandler was trying to conceal the concern in his tone with a bit of humor and affection. “Don’t tell me I’m doing this wrong. Why didn’t you tell me before?”
“Chandler Bing,” Janice said, looking up at him. She laid her hand on his chest. “You’re doing it again.”
“‘ It .’” Chandler shook his head. “Last I checked, there was no ‘it.’ Unless there has been an ‘it,’ and you’ve just been hiding it from me. In which case, I’d prefer if you just broke it off here and never told me.”
“You’re thinking too much.” She took a step back and tilted her head. “Your heartbeat’s all fast.”
Chandler gave a quick, barking laugh. “Don’t worry, that’s just me. Typical me stuff, overexcited over some kissing, y’know?”
“Yeah, sure,” Janice said, turning her head away. “That explains why I’ve essentially been making out with a brick wall for the past ten minutes.”
Oh, oops. He reached out to touch her arm, which she allowed, but she made no move to invite him to do any more. For once, he didn’t feel like he wanted to do anything more. He just stood there for a moment, not sure what to say.
“What’re you thinkin’ about?” The silence was broken with a question that Chandler wasn’t sure how he was supposed to answer. “When you go all quiet, what’s on your mind?”
There’s a long, blank stare directed at her, before he says, “Pontoon boats.”
“Chandler…”
“No, seriously,” he said, and even he could tell he was digging himself into a hole, but he never had figured out how to stop talking. “They’re so interesting. A rich person’s wooden raft. How is it possible to go backwards in the evolution of watercraft?”
“Chandler.” She stopped him there, grabbing both of his hands in hers. “I’m serious. What’s going through your mind right now?”
He really wanted to tell her, honestly. It was just really hard for him to be serious in situations like this, where he’s faced with the horrifying truth that, yes , he does care about his best friend. Enough to think about him naked when making out with his girlfriend, apparently.
He realized a little too late that he’d been gawking at her, completely unresponsive, for far too long.
“Okay,” she said, a little despondent. She released his hands, resting hers at her sides. She walked from the living room to the kitchen’s bar stools, and sat down at one. “I know, Chan.”
“Woah woah woah,” Chandler said, quickly, rushing towards her, but stopping when she shook her head. “Know what? There isn’t anything to know! I was– I was thinking about you, obviously, Janice.”
Okay, lying! Pretty solid second choice. If you’re dealing with literally anyone but Janice.
“I know you’re thinking about other girls,” she said, her voice turning all high-pitched like it did whenever she got upset. She started fanning her face. “Oh my god. Oh my god!”
Chandler shook his head. “No, no, no! You’ve got it all wrong! I wasn’t thinking of other girls—“
“Why’d you say it like that?” Janice asked, her eyes widening. She began to fan herself again, tears clearly forming in her eyes. “Oh… my… god!”
“What?! What, what’s ‘oh my god?’”
“My boyfriend is gay!” She put her head in her hands and leaned on the table.
Chandler stared at her for a few seconds, then laughed a little. Then, he laughed a lot more, a lot louder. “What are you talking about?!”
“I should have known the moment I found out about you kissing Joey!” Janice said. “People said I was crazy for goin’ out with you! All my friends thought you were gay, and now it turns out you are, and– and…”
“‘And’ what?” Chandler placed both of his hands on either side of his head. Was this really happening right now? “You’re telling me all your friends think I’m gay? Great. Apparently the news got to everyone but me! I’m not gay!” He spun around in a distressed circle and then took her by the shoulders, forcing her to look at him. ‘‘And’ what, woman?!”
“Oh God, Chan, I’ve been kissing my ex husband behind your back.”
Woah. “What?”
“I know, honey, I’m sorry…”
“Okay,” Chandler said, leaning on the edge of the foosball table, relying on it for support. His heart felt like it was about to fall out of his ass. “Okay. So, I’m gay, and you’re cheating on me. Never once did I picture this being the way our breakup would go, but, hey, it could be worse. You coulda killed me!”
“I’m sorry, Chandler. This isn’t going to work out.” Janice stood. “I think we’re both caught up on the wrong people.”
“Yeah, the difference is, you have a kid with the guy you’re caught up on!” He threw his arms out in frustration. “If I were caught up on a guy– which I’m not!- I, at the very least, have had the decency not to make out with him behind closed doors!”
“I know.” She grabbed her bag off of where it was hanging from the foosball table. “I think I’m gonna go.”
“No, no, no,” Chandler switched up quickly, reaching for her arm. He could feel himself freaking out. “Please just stay. Please? I– I need you. We can work this out, we can fix this…”
“No,” Janice said, Chandler sinking to the floor. “We can’t. I know you think about other people, and I know I’ve screwed up. Way more than you have. It’s not worth your time to pretend that you even want to fix it, Chan.”
“What?” Chandler said, scooting back to lean against the table. “What are you talking about? Of course I want to fix this. I love you!”
“Chandler…” She looked deep into his eyes for a good few moments, then pressed a short kiss to his cheek. He stared at her. “I gotta go, okay? I’m telling you not to fix it.”
“But–”
“Just trust me.”
She left after that, and he didn’t move until around two in the morning, when Monica entered the apartment. She had had her mouth open, a statement about to be made, before it was replaced with a shocked gasp. She rushed over to him where he sat, head against the leg of the foosball table. He looked up at her pathetically.
“Oh my god, what happened?” She knelt down beside him, putting her hand on his shoulder.
“Janice was cheating on me,” he mumbled. “And I’m gay, apparently.”
She stared at him for a moment, before letting out a laugh, accompanied by her signature snort. “Sorry, that’s not funny. Are you actually? Gay, that is?”
“Maybe,” Chandler said, sighing. “But I’d rather focus on the cheating thing right now.”
“Right, right. Sorry. What happened?”