Chapter Text
The years passed in a flurry of soul-destroying exams, and stupid school events. Much to his own surprise, they made it work – someway, somehow. North always made time for him despite what he had been prattling about years ago in the library. Whether it was a quick text wishing him a good morning before school or late-night video calls, North’s presence was just as sturdy and soothing in his life as it had been years ago.
On weekends, they would often have virtual movie nights. Li Ming would sync up a movie for them, and they would watch it together, with North flooding his phone with stupid and unnecessary comments that would distract both of them from watching the movie.
During school breaks, they would visit each other. The first time North visited Pattaya, Li Ming had been a bundle of nerves. But the moment he saw North’s sweet, reassuring smile, all his qualms seemed to have vanished completely. They spent the whole day exploring the city, North’s hand a warm weight that he bore.
Li Ming took him around the whole town, spending their night by the beach, the salty air and the sound of the waves lapping at the shore a flawless backdrop to ending the most perfect day Li Ming had experienced for the first time in what felt like forever. It was after they had had ice cream by the pier that Li Ming finally gathered up enough courage to tell North just how much he meant to him.
North was ecstatic, his eyes glowing, and lips stretched in a full smile. Li Ming had never seen him not happy, not smiling, and he wished things stayed that way for North for a long, long time. Maybe, until the end of the time.
North deserved many things. Li Ming wasn’t sure who had deemed him worthy enough to be loved by someone as idyllic as North.
“You should come to visit me sometime in Chiang Mai,” North spoke up out of the blue, his eyes riveted by the night sky, reflecting the light of the heavens above.
Loving North was all-consuming. Like the color red, it flowed through his system steadily most days. But on some odd days, it bubbled over, like beads of blood that couldn’t bear to be confined within for even a second more. “Maybe after New Year’s? There’s so much to do this term.” He replied, his gaze fixated on North.
“And if the world were to end tomorrow? Wouldn’t you rush for the first available train?” North asked, turning his head to look at him with a playful glint in his eyes. Li Ming bit the inside of his cheek, barely able to stifle a smile as he responded, “Hm, I guess, I would.”
North’s smile widened despite the feigned hesitation Li Ming had painted his words with. “Good,” he whispered, leaning close enough until their foreheads touched. “Because I’d hate to face the end of the world without you.”
Li Ming’s breath caught in his throat as North’s face drew nearer. The warmth of North’s skin brushed against his own, and Li Ming swore he had never ever experienced the feeling of his heart beating this loudly, this quickly.
Before he could say anything, perhaps to poke fun at North coming with the most ridiculous one-liners, North closed the pinch of a distance between them. For someone who liked to spew a ton of bullshit, North’s lips were soft, a tender pressure against his lips that Li Ming was far too aware of.
His ears were ringing with white noise, and Li Ming was so sure, he was spilling red.
The kiss was mellow, a slow, drawn-out thing that he hoped would never end. He had so much love to give, so much blood to bleed.
North’s hand came up to cup his cheek, his thumb brushing lightly against his skin. The kiss deepened, and Li Ming leaned even closer, his hands finding their way to North’s shoulders. It was a slow, deliberate exploration, each movement filled with a tenderness that made Li Ming feel so loved.
When they finally pulled apart, Li Ming felt breathless, the blood rushing up to his neck. “That was…… something,” North mumbled, his voice filled with wonder, and lips bitten red.
“You have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that.” North chuckled softly, looking at him with stars in his eyes before he leaned forward to press a chaste peck on Li Ming’s forehead, one of his hands still under the loose shirt Li Ming had worn to the beach, his fingers caressing the bare skin with ease that only came with time.
The first time he visited Chiang Mai for North was coincidentally on New Year’s Eve. They spent the whole day downtown, windowshopping because Li Ming had seen everything there was to see in the town. And when the daylight gave way to the murk of the night, they found themselves at one of North’s friends’ house, drinks in their hands and smiles on their lips.
North introduced him as his boyfriend proudly to his friends, taking him away to the back patio to kiss when the clock struck midnight and the fireworks painted the persistent darkness of the universe.
Things were good, life was good. They were graduating high school in just a month and Li Ming had never been so happy to finally start university together with North in Bangkok.
When they finally moved to Bangkok to start university, things seemed better than ever. Li Ming had gotten accepted into his dream school with the most important person of his life right by his side. What was not there to love about life?
They found a small apartment near the campus, a cozy little space that they decorated together with small pieces of themselves. They spent weekends exploring Bangkok’s vibrant streets, visiting markets, temples, and street food stalls. North's enthusiasm was infectious, and Li Ming loved seeing the city through his eyes.
But as time went on, the demands of university life began to take their toll. North became increasingly involved in extracurricular activities, joining the university's basketball team and taking on leadership roles in various clubs. His schedule grew more hectic, and Li Ming found himself spending more and more time alone by himself.
The first time they went to a party, North refused to hold his hand. Li Ming felt a pang of hurt but brushed it off, telling himself that maybe North was merely trying to fit in with his new friends. He spent most of the evening feeling out of place, mulling over how going out with his friend, Mudmee, would have perhaps been a better decision than this.
But it had been so long since he and North had gone out together like this. And Li Ming could never bring himself to refuse North when he asked for things with such sincerity.
As the night went on, Li Ming found himself retreating to a corner, nursing a drink and observing the lively scene from a distance. North seemed to be in his element, surrounded by his friends and admirers alike. Li Ming tried to join in a few conversations, but couldn't shake off the feeling that gnawed at his insides.
When they came home at the end of the night, North was too drunk to utter even a word. And so, the tale continued. They would share a kiss before going to classes each day, and share dinner before going to bed. It all just felt a little too perfunctory.
As weeks turned into months, Li Ming started hearing rumors. Whispers of North spending time with someone else, stories of late-night parties, and stolen phone calls in between basketball practice. Li Ming tried to ignore them, tried to focus on his studies and his art, but the whispers grew louder, more insistent.
It was stupid, and Li Ming felt even stupider to let the words get to his word. He would only be ruining their relationship if he decided to confront North. Maybe, all they needed was just some time to settle into a new lifestyle. North would surely go back to his old self in a few months, go back to spending his whole day with him, and speak the cheesiest lines known to mankind.
It was raining when he returned home that night after a postponed art date with Mudmee. The sound of the rain was too loud even when he entered the apartment, the water falling from the skies in harsh deluges, the force of it seeming almost as lethal as a falling star. He called out for North, placing the bag of takeout he had picked up on his way home on the kitchen table.
The apartment was eerily quiet. With his stomach churning, he checked the spare bedroom North often liked to use for working out, his chest getting heavier with each passing second, and no sight of North.
He went to their bedroom at last, twisting open the door only to stumble a step behind at the sight that greeted him. North was in their bed, tangled up with someone else.
His feet stayed rooted to the ground even when all he wanted was to run away. He didn’t, much like the first time North had made him want to leave him behind and run away from his emotions. It all came back to him in a cycle, he realized dauntingly. The person with North scrambled to gather his clothes, clearly uncomfortable and desperate to leave. Li Ming recognized him from the party two months ago. He was still just as pretty, with soft hair and full lips.
Without a word, Li Ming turned around and walked out of the room. He stumbled into the living room, his vision blurred with tears. Had he inherited his father’s anger, he would have thrown the vase at North’s face the moment the man decided to follow him, still shirtless.
Unfortunately for him, Li Ming had spent most of his childhood under his mother’s care. He hastily wiped away the tears that trailed down his cheeks, walking around the coffee table to put as much space as he could between himself and North.
“Ming, please hear me out first. I didn’t –”
“I asked you.” He cut North off, his voice barely even audible to his own ears.
“What? Just let me explain myself once, Ming, please. And then you can –”
North rounded the table to get closer towards him and Li Ming felt the urge to jump down the window, away from North, and if fate so aligned, from everything all at once.
“I asked you if you meant it that day in the library.” He repeated, his chest heaving with each breath he took. “I know, I know but please can you please just hear what I have to say once?” North was crying too but Li Ming couldn’t spot any red colouring his vision, only blue.
“I never asked to be here with you.” There was so much more he wanted to say, so much that would break North’s heart just as much. But Li Ming wanted to run, run so far away that no one would ever find him. “Can you please leave me alone, North?” He whispered then, voice hoarse and thick with something Li Ming despised, something so abominable, something thoroughly laced with emotions and despair.
North took a good minute to process the words, letting the sound of the rain fill in the gaps of silence between them. And then as if Li Ming was just as abominable as an emotion, North turned his back to him. He left, and for a moment, Li Ming wondered if all the moments and the love they had shared were all but a paltry figment of his imagination.
But the scalding stamp of desertion was still fresh on his heart, and the world was still blue. The earth soaking wet. And then finally, finally, the blues had stained the yellows so thoroughly that Li Ming slipped head-first in the sordid mix of torn grass and dirt, the final nail on the coffin closing out any possibilities of the color yellow that would pull him back from the grave that had been dug for him the moment he had breathed for the first time in his father’s arms.
The wet earth welcomed him in all its essence, and the world seemed just as blue as it had seemed twenty years ago. It was better this way, he thought. The mix of colors and the mix of emotions had been too confusing.
A constant state of mind was better than an incomprehensible haze.
A closed grave was indeed better than a yawning grave.