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“Does he frighten you?” Scorpius asks as they trail their fingers over Anders’ arm. “Justice, I mean.”
Anders blinks slowly, lazily, like a cat might after it’s just awoken from a nap. “Sometimes,” he says. His tone is light and casual despite the gravity of the conversation.
“How do you live like that?” Scorpius can’t even begin to imagine it. “Not having control, not knowing when someone else might take over your body…”
“It’s more complicated than that.” Anders doesn’t look away from Scorpius’ intense gaze. “He’s a part of me and I’m a part of him. Don’t you scare yourself sometimes?”
Scorpius thinks back on the rage they’d felt when Bethany died or when they’d thought Carver would be killed by the taint. They’d been so consumed by anger and self-loathing, so ready to lash out at anyone who came too close. They shudder to think about what they might have done if Anders’ Grey Warden plan hadn’t worked to save Carver.
“Sometimes,” they say quietly.
“I imagine it’s like that.” Anders reaches to stroke Scorpius’ stubbled jaw. “He scares me the way I used to scare myself. All that anger, that loathing and disgust I felt at the world around me, it’s a part of him now. And he scares me in a way I might be afraid of the actions of my friends. But I still–” he cuts himself off, looking troubled.
“Still?” Scorpius presses.
“I still care for him,” Anders admits. “I still– I still need him.”
Scorpius tries to digest that. “Even after what he almost did to that girl?”
Anders finally looks away. “Yes. Even then.” He pauses. “I am not separate from Justice, Hawke. I wouldn’t know how to be without him. I think– I think it’d kill me to try.”
Scorpius can’t imagine what that’s like. To be afraid of a being inside of yourself, but still needing it so desperately. They can’t pretend to understand any of it.
But they don’t need to understand it.
They reach out and pull Anders closer to them. “Then I’ll work on buttering him up,” they say in a jovial tone. “Make sure he likes me as much as you do.”
Anders laughs and Scorpius can hear the relief in it. “I don’t think it’s possible for anyone to love you as much as I do.”
“I don’t know about that. I’m very lovable.”
“Yes, you are.” There’s so much fondness in Anders’ voice that it almost hurts to hear. But in a good way, as bizarre as that is.
Scorpius kisses him and starts thinking about how to win Justice over.